ch1: The Stage is Set
Hey all! First publish so comments and typo warning welcome
Also, for the sake of effect imagine Simon played by Joe Morton who plays Henry from the show Eureka.
Edit
Proof read by GabeaCool to whom I am very grateful
*Stub*
“CRAP!”
James yelped, as he bent over to soothe his foot he stubbed on an uneven piece of the pavement. After a few minutes, he continued his walk, while muttering something under his breath.
The New Orleans air felt thick and muggy as it does in the middle of a southern summer. But that didn’t seem to lessen anyone’s excitement. Performers riddled the streets, bringing blaring noise and equally blaring color that cheerfully clashed with the architecture of the old quarter.
Tourists of every kind ranging from laughing families, to rowdy college students, to young and old couples enjoying each other’s company crowded the streets bringing life to the atmosphere. Everyone eagerly basked in the life, mystery, and joy that was New Orleans.
It made James want to puke.
James shook his head, as he silently berated himself for his whiny attitude. The city was a wonderful town but it just couldn’t give him what he wanted. When his folks decided on the trip and started planning, he told himself that this would be good for him. It was a chance to bond with his family, get out of his introverted shell, and maybe get away from some of his personal demons.
Of course, it went the same way as all his endeavors did. After a very long road trip with bickering parents and his little brother, they finally made it to the hotel, and proceeded to traipse across town from one tourist trap to another arguing about anything and everything. All the while, James let himself be dragged around while saying nothing and fuming to himself.
It wasn’t that James didn’t love his family. Heck, compared to others, his folks seemed like something out of Leave it to Beaver. The immediate family at least. However, after wasting some of his best years at home trying to play diplomat, it got to the point that all he did was sit in the background internet surfing while they duked it out. Eventually, their arguing would get to a point that he just had to walk out for a breather as he was on this little stroll through New Orleans. And as usual, he only succeeded in bringing himself down further as he watched others laugh and live around him with envy. Not for the first time, James wished he could figure out why he was so withdrawn so he could just enjoy being around people for a change.
“Ah, shoot! What the..?” James looked down in annoyance as he stubbed his foot again. Looking around, he realized he stubbed his foot the same piece of sidewalk after looping around the same block.
James shook his head in annoyance at himself then noticed something to his left. Sandwiched between two other buildings was a shop that seemed…odd somehow. He looked up at the old-timey, wooden shop sign framed over the wood double doors while trying to figure out what seemed off about the shop.
Odds and Ends
If you can want it, we got it.
James looked at the rest of the building. It looked like the drawing of a house by a child who couldn’t decide what it should be made of and decided on everything. Part of it was made from brick, part from oak, part from cement block and…was that adobe mud? The two pillars on either side of the door were equally mismatched; one was polished marble while the other was mahogany. It wasn’t like the placed was built out of leftovers though. Each material, from the brick to the oak, was high quality and well kept.
The feeling of cold iron on his palm shocked James from his inspection as he realized he unconsciously crossed to the door. His hand jerked back as if it was burned. What the heck was he doing? The building looked like it was built by a schizophrenic and the vague phrase on the sign didn’t inspire a lot of confidence. This place probably catered for eccentrics or tourists with more money than sense. Being here was just a waste of time.
James started to leave but hesitated at the last thought. Well, the whole reason he was wandering around was to kill time wasn’t it? Figuring what the heck, he shrugged and stepped through the door.
What he saw inside left him staring. For all his doubt at the vague and overused phrase on the door, it fit the sight before James better than anything else that came to mind.
Despite being set in a cramped store space, the shelves and table showed off every genre of merchandise he could think of: entertainment, clothing, literature. The shop’s inventory didn’t seem to have any boundaries on where they came from or how old they were either. On one shelf there sat antique jewelry from Victorian London while a few rows down sat a fully loaded PS4 fresh off the assembly line.
And was it just him or did the displayed inventory seem to change every time he turned around? No matter how long James looked around the shelves had something new on display despite the shop seeming to have too little space to justify it. He was so distracted by the hodgepodge of merchandise that he failed to notice the owner sitting behind the counter.
“Why, hey there Big Red. What can ole Simon do for you today?”
The cheerful, almost ecstatic voice shocked James from his inspection. He spun and his eyes widened as he took in the shopkeeper’s appearance.
Simon wore a baggy, handmade T-shirt composed of oranges and blacks arranged in patterns that seemed vaguely tribal. Half his head was covered in dreadlocks extending to his shoulders while the other was shaved to the scalp and sporting jagged tattoos. His ears were pierced with some type of bone jewelry and his neck sported similarly styled accessories. The weird part was this didn’t seem to be for an act to the tourists. The guy just seemed genuinely comfortable in the getup. And then there was the attitude.
The store owner’s expression and posture belonged to somebody spending all of his time daydreaming but his eyes seemed to gleam as if he were enjoying some inside joke the rest of the world was too dense to notice.
James gave a slight shake of his head as he tried understanding how he missed someone that obvious. James considered his own life for an instant before taking back the mental question. For all that he was six three and covered in red hair, people could walk around oblivious to his presence in the room for ten minutes before noticing him and jumping in shock as if he appeared out of thin air.
So this is what it feels like on their end, eh? James thought wryly. “So, um. Interesting shop you’ve got here. Stuff I see here is way, waaay too nice for it to be a pawn shop and calling it a curio shop doesn’t seem to cover it. Out of curiosity, where do you get your inventory?”
Simon shrugged. “Meh. All over and all sorts a ways. Sometimes barter, sometimes favors. Sometimes I just pick stuff up on travels.”
“Uh huh. Sooo… Mind if I do a little window shopping?”
“Oh sure. You can look all you like Red but nobody’s left this store yet without buying something.”
“You’re that good eh?”
“Nope. It’s magic.”
“Hahaha oh yeah, I’ve heard this one. It’s the,” James did quotation fingers, “‘magic of New Orleans.’ Or maybe voodoo. Seems to vary from one shop to the next.” James laughed and was surprised to hear Simon laughing right along with him.
“Nah, man. I wouldn’t resort to one of those corny spiels, though I can understand the assumption. I mean magic in this shop specifically.” Simon wave around the shop. “Magic is responsible for just about everything that goes on here: storage, bargaining, accounting. It even draws in the customers I want while screening the ones that don’t interest me. Then the old girl keeps them here till they find what they want. I just watch after her and give the customers a body to talk to.”
“…? ‘The old girl?’ You mean the shop? As in she’s alive and a part of it all?”
“That’s right. Put enough magic into a place or thing and it takes a life of its own. Me and this old girl,” Simon said gently as he stroked the counter as if it were a cat, “we’ve been together more years than I can count. And while she can be stubborn, and maybe a bit finicky, I wouldn’t trade anything for the years we’ve had and that we’re going to have together.”
Silence stretched across the room as James waited for the punchline before the silence finally got awkward as he realized that Simon was being completely serious. James decided now was a good time to take the first train out of crazy town.
“Oookay. Well. Nice to see romance going strong but,” James pulled out his cell phone as if checking the clock then shoving it back in his pocket, “wouldn’t you know it? Just remembered I’ve got an appointment…tour…thingy coming up so…take care then.”
Simon just hummed in answer as he took out a magazine to glance through while James took a hasty exit out the door…and stepped straight back into the shop as the door closed back behind him. James’s head whipped around as he found himself surrounded by the store again.
“Something wrong Red?” Simon said casually without looking up from his magazine. “Thought you had ‘an appointment tour thingy’ to get to?”
“Ummm. Yeah. I do.” James shook his head uncertainly then head out the front door. Once again, he found himself back in the shop though this time he entered in from a door on the opposite side of the shop’s front door. He turned to see that he had just walked out of the storage closet then turned back and stomped toward Simon slamming his hands on the counter. “Okay look buddy. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull but you can’t keep me here.”
“I’m not keeping you here Big Red.” Simon said calmly, not bothering to look up from his magazine. “As I said, I just watch over her and give customers a body to talk to. She’s the one that keeps you here till you get what you want and if you’re still here then that just means you want something.”
“…Uh huh.” James leaned off the counter and slowly backed toward the shop center as he idly swung his hands back forth. “Well that’s reasonable I guess. When I stop to think about it I guess I want…to say…” He hummed for a bit in thought, slowly looked around. “SURPRISE PHEASANT PLUCKER!!!” With that shout, James ran and lunged through the store’s display window…Only for an attic hatch in the ceiling to open and drop him back onto the floor.
“…ow.” James noticed there were cuts along his arm and shards of glass surrounded him on the floor. Even so, he looked up to find the store window completely unharmed.
With a pained grunt, James pushed himself off the floor and looked up to notice Simon had put down his magazine in favor of shaking his head at the scene with a small smile.
“When you first walked in I thought you might’ve been a bit too tame but seeing that, I can’t help but like you. Of all the customers I’ve had only two others ever tried pulling that and even then they weren’t that spontaneous with their actions or as eccentric with their,” Simon paused as he smiled considering what to say, “…expletives? I mean, ‘pheasant plucker?’”
“Umph. Firstly, the phrase came from a tongue twister that used ‘mother pheasant plucker.’ As for the lack of swearing, aside from my parents trying to teach me against using them I see swear words as blunt instruments. A bit distasteful but appropriate for certain situations.”
Simon raised his eyes. “And this isn’t one of those situations?”
“Getting there.” James straightened up and carefully thumped glass dust off his shoulder before looking back at Simon. “Anyway you said two others? Who were they and what did they do?”
“Typically, I don’t give names out but I see no harm here. First,” The shopkeeper counted off on his right hand, “Amelia Earhart tried throwing her pilot cap through the window and shrieking in frustration and then Jimmy Hoffa tried to bash it with a chair before spewing a list of swear words that left me impressed, and for someone who’s been around as long as I have that’s saying something.”
“Amelia Ear-!? Jimmy Hoff-!?” James sputtered for a few minutes before continuing. “You’re telling this place has killed-?”
“Hey, hey no need for that! My girl doesn’t kill anyone! In these two cases they were sent elsewhere to get what they wanted. Possibly even off world.” Simon stood there primly with his nose in the air before relaxing again. “ ‘Course something could’ve happened after they got there but anything that happens before or after the shop is on the customer.”
“Oh dear god help me.” James sighed, half in prayer and half in a curse. “Okay. Fine. What do I have to do? Just grab something from here and buy it…?” he trailed off seeing Simon shaking his head.
“Sorry kid but the sign out front isn’t quite that straight forward. When it says ‘if you can want it’ it means want it with all your heart. You could spend days looking through this shop and not get out until acknowledging what you want most.”
“Okay. Okay fine, uh.” James covered his face with his hands a moment in thought. “Okay, you say this shop can get anything? How about a gold bar right here on the table.”
Simon raised an eyebrow and grunted to which James threw his arms up in frustration. “What!? You said anything and a gold bar would go a long ways in getting what I want: Out of college debt, no longer dependent on my folks, I-”
“I know.” Simon said raising his hand in a calming gesture. “One thing the shop’s magic does is search the customer’s feelings and intent. Nothing specific but enough that I can get a general idea. I know you’re being honest about this, and it’s a close second to what you want, but you’re not quite there yet. Just think hard, really hard: what scares you most, what are you most desperate for, what keeps you up at night? And don’t worry about your request sounding stupid. In this shop there’s no such thing.”
“Sure about that?”
“Positive. One of the last customers walked out with a bag of Coca-Cola balls.”
“.? What?”
“It’s a type of hard candy that tastes like coke drinks. The company that makes them stopped manufacturing them and the customer didn’t even want them to eat. They just helped remind him of his old man back when they used to share them.”
“Huh. So, it can just be something of sentimental value?” This got a nod in answer. “Okay. Okay then I can think of something.” James started pacing back and forth combing a hand through his hair. What did he want? What was important to him? What was so important that he couldn’t tell anyone? He stopped mid-pace as a thought struck him. It seemed stupid to him. Vague, childish, and pointless. Even so, it seemed to strike a chord within him.
James turned and leaned on the counter. “I want-I” He faltered as he mustered up the gut to whisper the childish wish “I want happily ever after.”
Minutes passed as James’ anxious, hazel eyes stared into Simon’s calm, coal colored eyes. Any second, James knew that the odd merchant would laugh, scoff, or scold the stupid request. A grown man doesn’t talk like that, doesn’t-
“Okay.”
With that one word, Simon dropped all pretenses of being easygoing. His movements were brisk and businesslike as he dug through drawers around his counter space as he assembled a packet of forms.
James could only stare after having his request taken in stride. “S-seriously? ‘Okay?’ Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“But. That can’t be enough to go on! Materials, costs, planning and what does ‘happily ever after’ even mean!? The details-”
“‘The Devil’s in the details’ as they say kid.” Simon said cheerfully as he slipped the packet into a folder and dropped it on the counter in front of James. “So since the Devil’s the last guy you want to meet I say leave the details alone and let things work themselves out.”
“……That’s. Not. Actually what the phra-”
“Not what the phrase means, yeah yeah. Don’t be so uptight you’ll live longer. Or have more fun at least. Here,” an impatient finger tapped on the folder. “This is the basic adventure package. Arrangements for transport, housing, agreements yadda yadda. Think of it as one of those swamp tours you set up except there’s magic. And much further travel. Maybe some cake. And maybe…possibly…mumble * a slight case of death * mumble. Look, just sign the front and the shop will take care of the rest.”
For the sake of his sanity, James tried to ignore that mumbled bit as he flipped through the packet once. Twice. Three times. At the fourth time, he dropped the papers and gave Simon a stale look. “It’s almost all blank. No names no dates. Not even a price. What kind of idiot would sign something like this!?”
“Ah, come on Red. The biggest part of adventures is the uncertainty. It won’t work if you go in knowing every little aspect of the trip. Besides, do I look like someone who would steer you wrong?”
“…………….”
“…Okay fine.” The shop keeper said irritably. “You want assurance? Here’s some. You may have noticed by now that my little business doesn’t run on your typical currency like money?” He barely waited for James’ nod before continuing. “For physical items I need items with sentimental, practical or, something you’d never guess by now, magical properties. For services, payment usually takes the form of another service or some favor. In the second case I usually act as a broker between two or more parties. After meeting certain conditions you will be approached by another party, introduced by yours truly, and asked to perform a certain task. You will not, I repeat will not, be forced or coerced into anything you are unable or unwilling to do. You will face a simple choice: complete this contract by accepting the assignment or the shop returns you to the spot right outside,” Simon gestured to the door, “and only a few minutes after you first walked through the door. It’ll be as if nothing ever happened.”
“Sooo what? Send me through space and time? Like Doct-”
“Like the guy in the blue box, yes. Don’t mention his name, please.” For the first time in the encounter, James saw a frown on the shopkeeper’s face. “Last time somebody mentioned him he crashed through my wall. Took weeks to fix the old girl back up.”
“Whoa whoa back up. Are you saying that he’s..? I mean he’s actually re-”
“Reckless, obnoxious, and totally co-dependent, yes.” Simon cut in. “Look, will you sign this and get things moving or do I need to find something for you to do around here the next few weeks until you make a decision?”
James stood in front of the counter staring at the folder with apprehension. Every bone in his body said this was a bad idea. His mind was yelling that this was insane. He had every reason to ignore this crazy scheme and no reason, excluding the whole stuck in a magic shop issue, to go along with it.
Deep down though…? Deep down was a nagging feeling that this was just what his repressed little heart wanted. This was his chance to be something more than a failing referee for home squabbles for family that wouldn’t listen. A chance to do more than sit around doing nothing or walk from one business to another knowing that no amount of hard work or responsibility would help him with the sleazy bosses he usually ended up with.
This was a chance to be his own person.
James grabbed a pen and jotted his name on the paper before he could lose his nerve.
“Excellent! That should take care of everything.” Simon gleefully took the folder and stuffed it in a drawer before tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Now let’s see. I think there might be one more- oh right!” The storekeeper snapped his fingers and ran from around his counter to the center of the shop where he started searching for something. After a few minutes of scrounging, he made a triumphant noise and came back handing a small, green vial to James. “You’re going to need this.”
The red-headed college guy looked from the vial to the shopkeeper and back to the vial again before smirking. “Really? Really!? Let me guess what happens next. I drink a potion, go to a magical land, then wake up in front of a bar minus my wallet and nursing a hangover.”
This earned a flat look from Simon. “Okay Red first off, you use that after you get to the magical land. Second, we’re one block away from Bourbon Street. A place where virtually every form of alcohol and narcotic is available for purchase. Please don’t insult me by saying I’m dumb enough to employ an obvious trick that even an idiot could recognize in this part of the country as a means to scam some tourist out of their money.”
“Oh. Well when you put that way. Sorry.” James shrugged uncomfortably and looked back at the vial as Simon stepped around him back to the counter.
“That’s what I keep the frying pan around for.”
This got an absent nod of agreement from James before the statement caught up to him. “Wait, hang on a sec. What do you mean by-?”
*WHAM*
Equestria, Edge of the Everfree Forest -night
Princess Luna, ruler of the night and protector of dreamers, lay quietly on a personal cloud as she scrutinized her hoofy-work of constellations and pathways for the moon.
The common pony seemed to believe that Luna needed to be at the palace practicing some great, arcane ritual to fulfill her nightly duties. It was a belief Luna did little to disabuse as it gave her the freedom to spend some nights working in private where she could enjoy some solitude with her own musings.
Well, as private as she could be while her royal guard shadowed her from a distance.
Luna closed her eyes and sighed as she took a moment away from her work to consider her own problems. It has been six weeks. Six weeks since her near-disastrous first nightmare night. With help from Twilight Sparkle and the other element bearers, except possibly one slightly over the top pink pony in a chicken suit, the night was salvaged into something worthwhile. Tia, dear Tia, was more than happy to talk things out with her little sister over the weeks. The citizens of Ponyville and the castle servants had long since warmed up to Luna after seeing her moment of normalcy…relative normalcy. That night, Luna had made huge strides in repairing the damaged relationship between her and her subjects. Even so.
Even so, the past weeks of reactions from other ponies and her night court showed it would be a long, long time before she would have the close relationship with her subjects enjoyed by her sister. The night princess was also well aware the progress she made so far was fragile at best. And that wasn’t the worst of her worries.
Despite Tia’s assurance that the elements purged Nightmare Moon for good, something about that night one thousand years ago bothered Luna. It was the feeling that Nightmare Moon came from something much darker and more terrible than mere feelings of inadequacy. Something that still lurked in Equestira. Yet, no matter how hard she thought back, her mind always drew a blank. Not just from the night she turned but four months prior. Four months exactly. She remembered everything before and after but not during those four months.
Something had to be done. But what was there to do? She found nothing in the Canterlot Archives despite searching from top to bottom since the day of her restoration by the elements. Tia, though Luna was sure she would be ready to listen, was too busy tending to matters of state to waste time with some unformed fear a thousand years past. The element bearers had their own lives to live and short enough already without wasting…short enough.
There it is. Princess Luna, the ruler of the night and a diarch of Equestria, was afraid, alone and had no pony to turn to. Because, aside from her sister, most ponies wouldn’t see past the sheer age difference or raw power. Even Twilight Sparkle, the one pony who saw past the boisterous Canterlot voice and dark coat, would never fully get past the royal title shared with Tia. Unless Celestia’s protégé should happen to wake up with a new pair of wings.
Luna snorted at the thought. Oh, yes we can see it now. She thought wryly. Everypony would sing and dance until Tia would show up to wave a hoof to have Twilight sprout wings and reveal her ‘grand destiny’ then have a giggle later that night over her weekly cake binge. Luna shook her head. For all her love of mischief Luna doubted her sister would do anything so…obvious.
Luna sighed and looked back up at her sky sadly. It would be nice if there were somepony that could…possibly…
“HIYA PRINCESS MOPEY!!”
The maniacally, cheerful greeting shocked Luna so to the point of nearly falling off her cloud. And while any pegasi or alicorn could recover from a fall mid-flight the freefall beforehand would still be just as distressing. She turned prepared to give somepony a severe reprimand for startling a winged pony at rest only for her irritation to give way to shock at the sight before her.
Somehow the element of laughter, Pinkamania Pie if Luna remembered correctly, had navigated a massive pink hot air balloon up to three hooves behind Luna’s cloud without so much a sound.
“Pinkamania, how-?”
“Aw come on Princess, you don’t have to use my full name like all the stiffy McStiff Ponies out there. Just call me Pinkie. All my friends do.”
“Very well…Pinkie.” Luna felt strange using a first name with somepony that had started off running at the sight of her. Not that it didn’t feel nice to have the same pony be so trusting so soon. “How did you get here? And what are you doing?”
Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Well duh! I flew here! And now I’m sitting here in a hot air balloon finding out why Princess Luna is being a Princess Mopey. You see,” Pinkie started hopping in place in the balloon basket as she continued her fluffy epic, “Somepony made the comment that I had sooo much energy that I could probably fly delivering cakes from one side of Equestria to the other in a day and I thought ‘Cakes across Equestria in a Day!? Cool! I gotta try it!’ But then when I tried to use my cycle copter I realized that there wasn’t enough room for the cakes so I loaded my hot air balloon and tried to use my surplus energy to speed it up through focusing my Pinkie Power.” At this point the pink mare demonstrated her focus by putting a fore hoof on either side of her head, crossing her eyes, and sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth. “But then my super intense Pinkie meditation was interrupted by my Pinkie senses telling me of an I.M.A. Imminent Mopeypants Alert. And everypony knows you can’t finish a cake mission if it means ignoring and I.M.A. so here I am.”
The onslaught of giggles and cheerful words left Luna blinking as she tried to assemble an answer. Of course, her mind failed to assemble a response before the bounding ball of concentrated pink laughter started off again.
“Oooh I know. I saw you staring at the sky so you must have been making a wish right?” Pinkie gasped as a thought struck her. “Wait a second! You’re the princess of night so that must mean you have the whole sky of stars to wish on! OH MY GOSH! If I could do that I’d use every wish for a cake and candy day! Everyday! FOREVER!!!!”
“PINKIE PIE!” Luna called in her Canterlot voice to catch Pinkie Pie’s attention. “While We -I- am most thankful for how you appreciate my night,” Luna gave a light shudder at Pinkie’s idea. That much confectionary mayhem flooding the world at once? Faust forbid! “it doesn’t work like that. When a pony makes a wish upon it the request comes to me. Most wishes that come true are simply those that happen to be within my power to grant. If we-I tried to make a wish I would simply be talking to myself.”
“That’s not good.”
The morose statement forced Luna to look at Pinkie who now had a saddened smile and slightly deflated mane. “Everypony has wishes from time to time. Even if the wish doesn’t come true at first, ponies can feel good knowing somepony is listening. It’s not right somepony who listens to all of our wishes doesn’t get to make her own.”
The simple declaration left Luna feeling deeply touched at its sorrow and concern for her behalf. “You are very kind to think so child. However, when our sis- my sister and I are responsible for the celestial bodies and all beneath them that doesn’t leave many others to turn to for answers. In the end, I simply have to accept that there will never be another who can hear out my-”
“WRONG! ‘Cause till now, you never had your good ole Auntie Pinkie Pie to help out.” Pinkie stuck her foreleg into her now fully fluffed mane in an attempt to find something.
Luna blinked her eyes a couple of times at the interruption before narrowing them in annoyance. “Child. While I appreciate your desire to help I’ll have you know I’m a good deal older than you. In fact, by thousands of-”
“FOUND IT!!” From the depths of her mane, Pinkie pulled out a reflective silver slip of paper and extended her fore leg over the side of the basket towards Luna.
Enveloping the offered ticket in her magic, Luna levitated the slip of paper in front of her to get a better look. It read as follows:
Odds and Ends
Wishing ticket
The owner of this ticket is entitled to one, complimentary wish upon activation.
Disclaimer: Based on the nature of the wish, time between activation and fulfillment may vary. Some wishes may not activate ticket due to logistical, dimensional, and/or supernatural impossibility.
“This is very…nice of you Pinkie.” Luna said uncertainly, “Pray tell, what is this?”
“Oh silly Princess! It’s a wishing ticket like it says on the print.” The pink mare giggled and pointed excitedly at the floating ticket. “All you have to do is hold it in front of you, close your eyes, then focus on something you really really really really really,” she paused long enough to take a deep breath, “really really REALLY want deep down. Then the ticket goes POOF and your wish is set to be granted.”
“Um. Thank you Pinkie but we wouldn’t want to deprive you-”
“Oh no problem princess. Even if you weren’t there to hear me out I mainly pass those out to pay for favors anyway so I could probably get one of my own any time I needed.” Pinkie pointed to herself proudly. “After all I’ve got people.”
“Pardon? People?”
“Yeah. They’re kinda like ponies except funny looking. Or maybe we’re funny looking. Or both of us are funny looking.” Pinkie giggled at herself before cutting off abruptly as she was taken by a series of odd movements. She spun in place three times, back flipped backwards once, then stuck her tongue in and out three times. After coming to a standstill she gasped. “Oh my gosh! It’s a visitor from reeeally out of Equestria and in need of a welcome cake signal.”
The party mare looked at Luna with large pleading eyes. “Princess I’m really really reeeally sorry but…couldyoutaketheballoonbacktoPonyvilleandlanditformegottagothankyou!”
Before Luna could discern the onslaught of words, the little pink mare jumped over the opposite side of the balloon basket causing the princess to shout in her most panicked Canterlot voice yet. “PINKIE PIE!!! HOLD ON, HELP IS COM…ing?”
The lunar princess watched in awe as Pinkie soared back up to flight altitude on a multicolored hang glider that was seemingly pulled from the depths of her poufy mane. Luna stared as the little party pony soared towards the heart of the Everfree Forest shouting “PINKIE POWERS AWAY!!!”
Long after the glider disappeared, Luna shook her head in bewilderment thinking, not for the first time, That child MUST be some benign, long-lost descendent of Discord. How else does an earth pony accomplish half the things she does without magic?
She looked back to the ticket in front of her and considered it with a thoughtful frown before shrugging. Surely it couldn’t hurt to try?
Holding the ticket in front of her, Luna closed her eyes and focused on her earlier moment of sadness. Thoughts ran through her mind as she tried to narrow down her feelings to a single wish. She wanted somepony else to talk to for advice. Somepony that could lend an ear and be there for Luna the pony not the Princess of the night. Somepony who could…possibly…
When a single wish finally formed in Luna’s mind, she felt new magic forming in front of her. Her eyes opened in surprise to see the ticket glowing in concentrated magic. Pinkie wasn’t exaggerating. This device was magic; very powerful magic at that. Before Luna could form a plan of action the little ticket burst into silver flame causing her to shy back and cover her eyes from the flash.
After sensing the magic disperse as suddenly as it formed Luna pulled her hoof back to look around for any signs of activity. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, she frowned in confusion before remembering the lines on the ticket. ‘Based on the nature of the wish, time between activation and fulfillment may vary.’
Instead of the annoyance she expected at finding nothing, Luna felt an oddly warming sensation. It seems Pinkie was right, she thought fondly, One does feel comforted by the idea having their wish heard.
Sighing contently, Luna hopped from her cloud into the basket so she could take Pinkie’s balloon back. She tugged a few times at one of the lines and frowned as she failed to get a reaction. Luna moved on to tugging other lines, poking at some of the sandbags, even startling herself into giving a very unprincess-like squeak by pulling the chain on the furnace causing a flash of flame to send the balloon jolting a few hooves upward.
After twenty minutes of fiddling, poking, and prodding, the princess now sat on her haunches staring straight ahead in a haggard expression. Her normally majestic mane now dulled and frizzed out with stress and her left eye twitched as she quietly spoke in a deadpanned voice.
“…….we have no idea how to work this contraption.”
Equestria, Heart of the Everfree Forest -next morning
A dull throbbing pain brought James crashing back to the land of the waking world. Without opening his eyes, he gingerly touched the back of his head and hissed as the pain sharpened for a moment. His hand felt dry of blood so nothing serious then. Aside from a minor concussion. Minor-ish.
His eyes were still closed but he could feel wind across his face and notice sunlight through his closed eyelids. At the vague memory of mentioning being left somewhere, his hand shot to his pocket and he groaned when he found it empty.
“Scumbag did take my wallet.” He mumbled.
James continued to lie on the ground deciding that he would get up as soon as someone decided to help him up or at least nudge him out of the way. Minutes passed as he lay on the ground, yet no one bothered to move him.
His eyebrows furrowed as he took notice of the sounds around him. Or, more accurately, the lack of important ones. There was no music, no cars, no…
No people.
James fought a rising wave of panic as he felt along the ground with his hand. Instead of asphalt, drain water or, thank god no, vomit left by some party goer from the previous night he felt grass and packed dirt under his palm. Maybe he was in one of the parks? No. That wouldn’t explain the lack of people noises. Some wooded area or swap outside of the city limits? Again, the thought was dismissed. It would’ve been very far outside of New Orleans and required a far trek from any road to explain the lack of civilization noises. Surely, in the middle of all that manhandling, he would’ve come to?
Realizing that no other choice remained, James slowly sat up, wincing as the effort increased the throbbing in the back of his head. When his eyes finally opened, his jaw dropped at the sight around him.
He sat in a wooded clearing surrounded by trees and foliage that looked like something out of a wilderness survival flick. The foliage was so thick it seemed to form a wall and looking up revealed that branches from the surrounding trees stretched to form a thick canopy overhead letting no more than a few beams of sunlight flow through.
While James was no botanist, he’d paid of attention in biology classes and scouts nature trips to know this plant life didn’t belong remotely close to New Orleans.
Turning around, James was shocked further as he glimpsed the clearing’s center. There sat a giant tree stump fashioned into a two story hut. It made him think of stories he heard about Sequoias that were hollowed out and fashioned into houses, though this seemed a different species of tree.
The confused man started for the door before a crinkling sound drew his attention to his feet. Three items had been piled beside where he awoke: a sealed envelope, a large paper bag with ‘James’ survival package’ marked in sharpie on the outside, and a set of keys he assumed went to the door to the hut.
Curiosity prompted James to open the bag first. His breath caught at what fell out.
The heaviest of the bag’s contents turned out to be an old leather-bound family bible his mom passed to him to read whenever he had a problem as she did. Admittedly, he didn’t read it as often as he should and treated more like a talisman he kept around for comfort and the old memories associated with it. The next item was his scratched up old MP3 player that he kept his favorite tunes on to help him calm his nerves. Last, but certainly not least, was the vial of green mystery liquid that Simon handed over before braining him.
After a moment of staring at the pile of items around him, James finally went for the letter. Considering past interactions with Simon he was convinced that the message would come with no small amount of trolling, but with no other means of answers he just had to suck it up and take the ribbing. The letter was opened reluctantly.
Dear James (known hence forth as Big Red),
WELCOME TO OZ BATCH!!!
James blinked in shock a moment before reading on.
Sorry BR. Always wanted to use that line and couldn’t help myself after your little stunt in the shop. But in all seriousness, no, you are not in the land of OZ. You’re in Equestria. More specifically, you’re near the heart of the Everfree Forest. At this point you’re probably torn between the thoughts ‘Oh, dear god I’m in pastel Hell,’ and ‘A world without war? Eh, could be worse.’
In answer to the first thought, suck it up. With the insight my girl gives me for dealing with customers I know darn well you’d forgive being in Everfree for a chance to meet your favorite pony you closet Brony. As to the second, don’t get cocky. This world may be quieter than Earth but don’t think for a second everything can be solved with hugs and cake. Since your source of info came from a company peddling girls plushies, you can bet that show left out some darker details. Not quite creepy pasta or cupcakes dark, but dark enough. Your blood can spill, your bones can break, and there are ponies, as well as other creatures, with just enough darkness in their little pastel hearts that they’ll try to see it done.
To the purpose of readying you for what to expect, this letter provides a few tidbits of advice.
Firstly, the reason for placing you near the heart of Everfree instead of, say for example, Ponyville. Most of the atmosphere in this planet is heavily saturated in magic. What makes this painfully obvious fact important is how painfully human biology reacts to this world’s magic. Imagine taking a three day camping trip in Chernobyl. Fortunately, the Everfree acts as sort of a sieve filtering magic from the surroundings as you get deeper into the woods with the center of Everfree having the least magic. Unfortunately, the biggest nastiest monsters are typically found in the heart of Everfree as well. Is there a connection? Yes. Will I tell you what it is? No, because that will take away from the adventure. Don’t worry too much though. You’re a smart(ish) kid. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
My first advice is this: If you pace yourself, you can actually build up some immunity to the worst side effects of magic by exploring a little further from the Glade, your hidey hole, each passing week. The Glade is designed to conceal and protect you from the worst wild life. Of course, that same protection doesn’t count for much if you’re found outside. You’ll find a few tools and instructions in the hut to deal with that.
My second bit of advice? However, ahem, useful your current college degree may be in the rest of pony land, I can tell you it won’t help here. That is where the vial comes in. To spare you the technical details it’s like steroids for the mind. For brief periods you will have faster thought processes and photographic memory. Combined with the enchanted library in the hut, the closest thing you will find to the internet in this world, it will allow you to quickly learn any new skills that could help you. Use too much or incorrectly and, continuing with the steroid comparison, it will do bad things to your head. Very bad things. Instructions and suggestions for proper use are inside with the library. IGNORE THEM AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Last piece of advice. Treat the situation as if your life depends on it. Because it does. Your return trip is only guaranteed on official termination of your contract with the other party. You die here? You die. That’s it.
Now that the heavy stuff is out of the way: let loose and have fun. As any thrill seeker on Earth would say, being in a life or death situation doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself.
The humble proprietor of Odds and Ends,
Simon
P.S. Sorry about the frying pan. While being unconscious made the trip a bit easier, the way I did it was kind of in answer for your little inner monologue about my shop being crazy town.
P.P.S. Oh, and the Tartarus gate is just a stone’s throw from the Glade. Thought you’d like to know.
P.P.P.S. There’s cake inside the hut.
James remained frozen as he stared listlessly at the letter while trying to put his panicked thoughts in order and process the situation.
Okay. So he is currently residing in every brony’s dream trip. Except for the part where some of the inhabitants may or may not try to hunt him down.
He took a deep breath then exhaled in an attempt to calm himself.
His current housing gives him the choice of sitting, literally, on Hell’s doorstep or stepping out too far and finding out what it is like to have his skin melt off in front of his eyes.
Another deep breath. Exhale.
James put on his earphones to start some music to calm his nerves. That always worked before after all. He clicked the random button and started his next inhale only to be interrupted as a familiar voice chimed through his ear piece.
“Oh, hey Big Red! Just thought I’d try a little something to help you get in the spirit of things. Along with this message, all seven and a half gigs on your player have been replaced with repeatedly copied tracks of the song The Smile Song sung by everyone’s favorite pink pony. Enjoy!”
James’ breath caught in his throat and his entire body went rigid as the named song started playing.
The Glade seemed to go silent with anticipation of what the frozen figure would do next.
The silence was broken when…
Equestria, various locations- same time.
Fluttershy had just finished doing her morning routines: her animals were fed, the rabbits suffering from flu were well on their way to recovery, and she even had time to rehearse with the songbird choir for the coming town events.
With time to spare, she was now sitting on her front porch beside Angel bunny with a fresh cup of tea while enjoying the sight of Celestia’s rising sun. For all the stress that came from living so close to the Everfree, it was moments like this that made it worthwhile.
“You know Angel? I think we’re just going to take things slow today. Something tells me we won’t be having that much excitement for a change.”
Angel looked up and gave his opinions on such blindly optimistic judgments with a frown and raised eyebrow. His expression made Fluttershy giggle and she went back to enjoying her tea.
Yes, things were shaping up to be nice and quiet that day. At least they were until…
In a dark basement beneath Bon Bon’s shop The Sweet Tooth, many strange and bizarre plans were coming together.
One wall had the Equestiran map painted on its side partially covered with a variety of news clippings, photos, and post-it-notes. Numerous colored strings crisscrossed the map connecting the packets in a sporadic web revealing patterns that only the most eccentric and paranoid of individuals would suspect existed. No lights in the room shown except for a single lamp casting a single beam that illuminated the wall in all its conspiracy obsessed glory.
In the center of that beam stood the friendly, if occasionally unhinged, lime coated unicorn, Lyra Heartstrings.
While she often spent time in the basement pursuing her…hobbies…there was just something about today that brought her conspiracy instincts screaming to the surface of her psyche. Her eyes were bloodshot, the left of which twitched constantly, and her whole body shivered in anticipation of something the unicorn couldn’t seem to grasp. She stared at the wall as if willing the stubborn web of data on the wall to bring her enlightenment as to what she seemed to be sensing.
Her horn glowed with an eerie green light and her ears twitched at some unknown sound. In an instant, her entire body froze and she was struck by a sense of clarity. In that moment, she could only voice her excitement by whispering two words through a slightly off kilter grin.
“…They’re heeeereeeee.”
The Princess of the sun was struggling to keep her composure as she prepared for the day court.
At the end of last night, the worry Celestia had felt at her sister’s tardiness quickly turned to mirth at her arrival to Canterlot.
Two of Luna’s night guard, as renowned for their intimidating countenance as the solar guard for their stoic dispositions, were wheezing while dragging a neon pink hot air balloon as their mistress bellowed in the Royal Canterlot voice for a balloon pilot. Being some of the strongest flyers in the guard, they seemed to be unusually flustered for trying to drag a simple hot air balloon.
Of course, that may have been because an even more flustered Luna was tampering with the balloon controls sending it jolting up and down as the guards tried to haul it.
If that bit of excitement wasn’t enough her advisor, Trusty, came with the news that today was looking to be one of those rare occasions where the Day court would be nearly dead quiet. This of course meant more time for Celestia to plot ways to utilize last night’s events in pranking Luna as recompense for the massive cake contamination via Tartarus Diablo sauce two nights ago.
Her prankster machinations were interrupted, however, as her ears twitched at a faint sound coming from the direction of Everfree. She nervously turned to face the direction of the sound as it grew steadily louder.
“What in Tartarus is that noise…?”
From the simple town of Ponyville to the majestic Canterlot, ponies were startled out of their morning routines as their attention was captured by an odd sound. Its savage keen pierced the morning air sounding both enraged and agonized. The call seemed to have formed a word of some sort but nopony could identify it. The closest anypony could describe was a sound along the lines of…
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!”
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It's not bad for a first attempt, though you really should proofread it better. Try to get an editor.
Please keep going!! I live it so far!!
5287467
Yeah, figured that might be the case on first time. Still looking for editor...and sadly, getting the hang of google doc
Till then, I've taken to posting it on writers groups for comments. Out of curiosity what was it you saw that needed improvement?
5287478
Thanks! I hope my work will continue to please
I can be a proofreader for you. This story is extremely eye-catching, and better grammar is just what it needs.
nice XD
5288063
That would be greatly appreciated.
Only problem is, as I stated earlier, first time really trying electronic format like this and kind of fumbling with basics like google doc. Any suggestions in the mean time? Also, think you can comment or PM some of the problems so far? Hoping to get problems solved in this chapter for later ones, as soon as I figure out which problems are from changes when I copy and paste onto the site from word and how much is from me out of practice
.
5288849
Do you mean you're having problems with the Gdocs? I can teach you it, it's pretty simple.
5288933
Well, I'm currently trying to research it on How it Works web sites while working on my story but I appreciate your willingness to help. Might take you up on that offer if I run in circles too much on my end
. Otherwise, if you have suggestions for me, I'm more than willing to hear them
Just thought to add, but while I have no problem with people deciding this doesn't match their tastes, I'd appreciate if any who downvote would at least say what put them off.
5295262
almost too spooked to ask...but I will anyway
Are you referring to the main character or Simon?
5295350
Okay. That would be doppelganger spooky. Actually made this as a semi-self insert
.
....
I told myself Ernest you should just review one more story before nights end, and I hoped it wouldn't be that long but dayum! That's allot of words. Probably will review it tomaro. (Still don't know how to spell tomaro.) :(
5298399
No problem
I admit I got a little carried away in the first chapter to set things up so hopefully it won't be that bad later. Thanks for taking a shot at it though
5298434 It's cool ima see if I can check it out tomaorw. :)
5298458
I look forward to it
I'm liken it.
5300102
Hope it continues to entertain
Awesome
let himself be dragged around
on the pavement?
Being here was just
His ears were pierced with
fashioned into houses
Wow. As a religious brony myself, I commend you on your courage in dealing with a subject that may not be that popular among the totality of the fandom. You rock. Woo-hoo!
And like James, I'm also a religious brony who truly and deeply wishes Equestria and the ponies we all love so much were real and actually real and I could visit them.
Oh, and yay Omnipinkie!
*Claps slowly* Well... that was a unique way to start the story. I like it.