> Odds and Ends.
>  by Redstargazer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> ch1: The Stage is Set
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 *Stub*

“CRAP!”

James yelped, as he bent over to soothe his foot he stubbed on an uneven piece of the pavement. After a few minutes, he continued his walk, while muttering something under his breath.

The New Orleans air felt thick and muggy as it does in the middle of a southern summer. But that didn’t seem to lessen anyone’s excitement. Performers riddled the streets, bringing blaring noise and equally blaring color that cheerfully clashed with the architecture of the old quarter. 

Tourists of every kind ranging from laughing families, to rowdy college students, to young and old couples enjoying each other’s company crowded the streets bringing life to the atmosphere. Everyone eagerly basked in the life, mystery, and joy that was New Orleans.

It made James want to puke.

James shook his head, as he silently berated himself for his whiny attitude. The city was a wonderful town but it just couldn’t give him what he wanted. When his folks decided on the trip and started planning, he told himself that this would be good for him. It was a chance to bond with his family, get out of his introverted shell, and maybe get away from some of his personal demons.

Of course, it went the same way as all his endeavors did. After a very long road trip with bickering parents and his little brother, they finally made it to the hotel, and proceeded to traipse across town from one tourist trap to another arguing about anything and everything. All the while, James let himself be dragged around while saying nothing and fuming to himself.

It wasn’t that James didn’t love his family. Heck, compared to others, his folks seemed like something out of Leave it to Beaver. The immediate family at least. However, after wasting some of his best years at home trying to play diplomat, it got to the point that all he did was sit in the background internet surfing while they duked it out. Eventually, their arguing would get to a point that he just had to walk out for a breather as he was on this little stroll through New Orleans. And as usual, he only succeeded in bringing himself down further as he watched others laugh and live around him with envy. Not for the first time, James wished he could figure out why he was so withdrawn so he could just enjoy being around people for a change.

“Ah, shoot! What the..?” James looked down in annoyance as he stubbed his foot again. Looking around, he realized he stubbed his foot the same piece of sidewalk after looping around the same block.

James shook his head in annoyance at himself then noticed something to his left. Sandwiched between two other buildings was a shop that seemed…odd somehow. He looked up at the old-timey, wooden shop sign framed over the wood double doors while trying to figure out what seemed off about the shop.
 

Odds and Ends


If you can want it, we got it.


 


James looked at the rest of the building. It looked like the drawing of a house by a child who couldn’t decide what it should be made of and decided on everything. Part of it was made from brick, part from oak, part from cement block and…was that adobe mud? The two pillars on either side of the door were equally mismatched; one was polished marble while the other was mahogany. It wasn’t like the placed was built out of leftovers though. Each material, from the brick to the oak, was high quality and well kept.

The feeling of cold iron on his palm shocked James from his inspection as he realized he unconsciously crossed to the door. His hand jerked back as if it was burned. What the heck was he doing? The building looked like it was built by a schizophrenic and the vague phrase on the sign didn’t inspire a lot of confidence. This place probably catered for eccentrics or tourists with more money than sense. Being here was just a waste of time.

James started to leave but hesitated at the last thought. Well, the whole reason he was wandering around was to kill time wasn’t it? Figuring what the heck, he shrugged and stepped through the door.

What he saw inside left him staring. For all his doubt at the vague and overused phrase on the door, it fit the sight before James better than anything else that came to mind.

Despite being set in a cramped store space, the shelves and table showed off every genre of merchandise he could think of: entertainment, clothing, literature. The shop’s inventory didn’t seem to have any boundaries on where they came from or how old they were either. On one shelf there sat antique jewelry from Victorian London while a few rows down sat a fully loaded PS4 fresh off the assembly line.

And was it just him or did the displayed inventory seem to change every time he turned around? No matter how long James looked around the shelves had something new on display despite the shop seeming to have too little space to justify it. He was so distracted by the hodgepodge of merchandise that he failed to notice the owner sitting behind the counter.

“Why, hey there Big Red. What can ole Simon do for you today?”

The cheerful, almost ecstatic voice shocked James from his inspection. He spun and his eyes widened as he took in the shopkeeper’s appearance.

Simon wore a baggy, handmade T-shirt composed of oranges and blacks arranged in patterns that seemed vaguely tribal. Half his head was covered in dreadlocks extending to his shoulders while the other was shaved to the scalp and sporting jagged tattoos. His ears were pierced with some type of bone jewelry and his neck sported similarly styled accessories. The weird part was this didn’t seem to be for an act to the tourists. The guy just seemed genuinely comfortable in the getup. And then there was the attitude.

 The store owner’s expression and posture belonged to somebody spending all of his time daydreaming but his eyes seemed to gleam as if he were enjoying some inside joke the rest of the world was too dense to notice.

James gave a slight shake of his head as he tried understanding how he missed someone that obvious. James considered his own life for an instant before taking back the mental question. For all that he was six three and covered in red hair, people could walk around oblivious to his presence in the room for ten minutes before noticing him and jumping in shock as if he appeared out of thin air.

So this is what it feels like on their end, eh? James thought wryly. “So, um. Interesting shop you’ve got here. Stuff I see here is way, waaay too nice for it to be a pawn shop and calling it a curio shop doesn’t seem to cover it. Out of curiosity, where do you get your inventory?”

Simon shrugged. “Meh. All over and all sorts a ways. Sometimes barter, sometimes favors. Sometimes I just pick stuff up on travels.”

“Uh huh. Sooo… Mind if I do a little window shopping?”

“Oh sure. You can look all you like Red but nobody’s left this store yet without buying something.”

“You’re that good eh?”

“Nope. It’s magic.”

“Hahaha oh yeah, I’ve heard this one. It’s the,” James did quotation fingers, “‘magic of New Orleans.’ Or maybe voodoo. Seems to vary from one shop to the next.” James laughed and was surprised to hear Simon laughing right along with him.

“Nah, man. I wouldn’t resort to one of those corny spiels, though I can understand the assumption. I mean magic in this shop specifically.” Simon wave around the shop. “Magic is responsible for just about everything that goes on here: storage, bargaining, accounting. It even draws in the customers I want while screening the ones that don’t interest me. Then the old girl keeps them here till they find what they want. I just watch after her and give the customers a body to talk to.”

“…? ‘The old girl?’ You mean the shop? As in she’s alive and a part of it all?”

“That’s right. Put enough magic into a place or thing and it takes a life of its own. Me and this old girl,” Simon said gently as he stroked the counter as if it were a cat, “we’ve been together more years than I can count. And while she can be stubborn, and maybe a bit finicky, I wouldn’t trade anything for the years we’ve had and that we’re going to have together.”

Silence stretched across the room as James waited for the punchline before the silence finally got awkward as he realized that Simon was being completely serious. James decided now was a good time to take the first train out of crazy town.

“Oookay. Well. Nice to see romance going strong but,” James pulled out his cell phone as if checking the clock then shoving it back in his pocket, “wouldn’t you know it? Just remembered I’ve got an appointment…tour…thingy coming up so…take care then.”
Simon just hummed in answer as he took out a magazine to glance through while James took a hasty exit out the door…and stepped straight back into the shop as the door closed back behind him. James’s head whipped around as he found himself surrounded by the store again.

“Something wrong Red?” Simon said casually without looking up from his magazine. “Thought you had ‘an appointment tour thingy’ to get to?”

“Ummm. Yeah. I do.” James shook his head uncertainly then head out the front door. Once again, he found himself back in the shop though this time he entered in from a door on the opposite side of the shop’s front door. He turned to see that he had just walked out of the storage closet then turned back and stomped toward Simon slamming his hands on the counter. “Okay look buddy. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull but you can’t keep me here.”

“I’m not keeping you here Big Red.” Simon said calmly, not bothering to look up from his magazine. “As I said, I just watch over her and give customers a body to talk to. She’s the one that keeps you here till you get what you want and if you’re still here then that just means you want something.”

“…Uh huh.” James leaned off the counter and slowly backed toward the shop center as he idly swung his hands back forth. “Well that’s reasonable I guess. When I stop to think about it I guess I want…to say…” He hummed for a bit in thought, slowly looked around. “SURPRISE PHEASANT PLUCKER!!!” With that shout, James ran and lunged through the store’s display window…Only for an attic hatch in the ceiling to open and drop him back onto the floor.
“…ow.” James noticed there were cuts along his arm and shards of glass surrounded him on the floor. Even so, he looked up to find the store window completely unharmed.

With a pained grunt, James pushed himself off the floor and looked up to notice Simon had put down his magazine in favor of shaking his head at the scene with a small smile.

“When you first walked in I thought you might’ve been a bit too tame but seeing that, I can’t help but like you. Of all the customers I’ve had only two others ever tried pulling that and even then they weren’t that spontaneous with their actions or as eccentric with their,” Simon paused as he smiled considering what to say, “…expletives? I mean, ‘pheasant plucker?’”

“Umph. Firstly, the phrase came from a tongue twister that used ‘mother pheasant plucker.’ As for the lack of swearing, aside from my parents trying to teach me against using them I see swear words as blunt instruments. A bit distasteful but appropriate for certain situations.”

Simon raised his eyes. “And this isn’t one of those situations?”

“Getting there.” James straightened up and carefully thumped glass dust off his shoulder before looking back at Simon. “Anyway you said two others? Who were they and what did they do?”

“Typically, I don’t give names out but I see no harm here. First,” The shopkeeper counted off on his right hand, “Amelia Earhart tried throwing her pilot cap through the window and shrieking in frustration and then Jimmy Hoffa tried to bash it with a chair before spewing a list of swear words that left me impressed, and for someone who’s been around as long as I have that’s saying something.”

“Amelia Ear-!? Jimmy Hoff-!?” James sputtered for a few minutes before continuing. “You’re telling this place has killed-?”

“Hey, hey no need for that! My girl doesn’t kill anyone! In these two cases they were sent elsewhere to get what they wanted. Possibly even off world.” Simon stood there primly with his nose in the air before relaxing again. “ ‘Course something could’ve happened after they got there but anything that happens before or after the shop is on the customer.”

“Oh dear god help me.” James sighed, half in prayer and half in a curse. “Okay. Fine. What do I have to do? Just grab something from here and buy it…?” he trailed off seeing Simon shaking his head.

“Sorry kid but the sign out front isn’t quite that straight forward. When it says ‘if you can want it’ it means want it with all your heart. You could spend days looking through this shop and not get out until acknowledging what you want most.”

“Okay. Okay fine, uh.” James covered his face with his hands a moment in thought. “Okay, you say this shop can get anything? How about a gold bar right here on the table.”

Simon raised an eyebrow and grunted to which James threw his arms up in frustration. “What!? You said anything and a gold bar would go a long ways in getting what I want: Out of college debt, no longer dependent on my folks, I-”

“I know.” Simon said raising his hand in a calming gesture. “One thing the shop’s magic does is search the customer’s feelings and intent. Nothing specific but enough that I can get a general idea. I know you’re being honest about this, and it’s a close second to what you want, but you’re not quite there yet. Just think hard, really hard: what scares you most, what are you most desperate for, what keeps you up at night? And don’t worry about your request sounding stupid. In this shop there’s no such thing.”

“Sure about that?”

“Positive. One of the last customers walked out with a bag of Coca-Cola balls.”

“.? What?”

“It’s a type of hard candy that tastes like coke drinks. The company that makes them stopped manufacturing them and the customer didn’t even want them to eat. They just helped remind him of his old man back when they used to share them.”

“Huh. So, it can just be something of sentimental value?” This got a nod in answer. “Okay. Okay then I can think of something.” James started pacing back and forth combing a hand through his hair. What did he want? What was important to him? What was so important that he couldn’t tell anyone? He stopped mid-pace as a thought struck him. It seemed stupid to him. Vague, childish, and pointless. Even so, it seemed to strike a chord within him.  
James turned and leaned on the counter. “I want-I” He faltered as he mustered up the gut to whisper the childish wish “I want happily ever after.”

 Minutes passed as James’ anxious, hazel eyes stared into Simon’s calm, coal colored eyes. Any second, James knew that the odd merchant would laugh, scoff, or scold the stupid request. A grown man doesn’t talk like that, doesn’t-

“Okay.”

With that one word, Simon dropped all pretenses of being easygoing. His movements were brisk and businesslike as he dug through drawers around his counter space as he assembled a packet of forms.

James could only stare after having his request taken in stride. “S-seriously? ‘Okay?’ Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“But. That can’t be enough to go on! Materials, costs, planning and what does ‘happily ever after’ even mean!? The details-”

“‘The Devil’s in the details’ as they say kid.” Simon said cheerfully as he slipped the packet into a folder and dropped it on the counter in front of James. “So since the Devil’s the last guy you want to meet I say leave the details alone and let things work themselves out.”

“……That’s. Not. Actually what the phra-”

“Not what the phrase means, yeah yeah. Don’t be so uptight you’ll live longer. Or have more fun at least. Here,” an impatient finger tapped on the folder. “This is the basic adventure package. Arrangements for transport, housing, agreements yadda yadda. Think of it as one of those swamp tours you set up except there’s magic. And much further travel. Maybe some cake. And maybe…possibly…mumble * a slight case of death * mumble. Look, just sign the front and the shop will take care of the rest.”  

For the sake of his sanity, James tried to ignore that mumbled bit as he flipped through the packet once. Twice. Three times. At the fourth time, he dropped the papers and gave Simon a stale look. “It’s almost all blank. No names no dates. Not even a price. What kind of idiot would sign something like this!?”

“Ah, come on Red. The biggest part of adventures is the uncertainty. It won’t work if you go in knowing every little aspect of the trip. Besides, do I look like someone who would steer you wrong?”

“…………….”

“…Okay fine.” The shop keeper said irritably. “You want assurance? Here’s some. You may have noticed by now that my little business doesn’t run on your typical currency like money?” He barely waited for James’ nod before continuing. “For physical items I need items with sentimental, practical or, something you’d never guess by now, magical properties. For services, payment usually takes the form of another service or some favor. In the second case I usually act as a broker between two or more parties. After meeting certain conditions you will be approached by another party, introduced by yours truly, and asked to perform a certain task. You will not, I repeat will not, be forced or coerced into anything you are unable or unwilling to do. You will face a simple choice: complete this contract by accepting the assignment or the shop returns you to the spot right outside,” Simon gestured to the door, “and only a few minutes after you first walked through the door. It’ll be as if nothing ever happened.”

“Sooo what? Send me through space and time? Like Doct-”

“Like the guy in the blue box, yes. Don’t mention his name, please.” For the first time in the encounter, James saw a frown on the shopkeeper’s face. “Last time somebody mentioned him he crashed through my wall. Took weeks to fix the old girl back up.”

“Whoa whoa back up. Are you saying that he’s..? I mean he’s actually re-”

“Reckless, obnoxious, and totally co-dependent, yes.” Simon cut in. “Look, will you sign this and get things moving or do I need to find something for you to do around here the next few weeks until you make a decision?”

James stood in front of the counter staring at the folder with apprehension. Every bone in his body said this was a bad idea. His mind was yelling that this was insane. He had every reason to ignore this crazy scheme and no reason, excluding the whole stuck in a magic shop issue, to go along with it.

Deep down though…? Deep down was a nagging feeling that this was just what his repressed little heart wanted. This was his chance to be something more than a failing referee for home squabbles for family that wouldn’t listen. A chance to do more than sit around doing nothing or walk from one business to another knowing that no amount of hard work or responsibility would help him with the sleazy bosses he usually ended up with.

This was a chance to be his own person.

James grabbed a pen and jotted his name on the paper before he could lose his nerve.
“Excellent! That should take care of everything.” Simon gleefully took the folder and stuffed it in a drawer before tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Now let’s see. I think there might be one more- oh right!” The storekeeper snapped his fingers and ran from around his counter to the center of the shop where he started searching for something. After a few minutes of scrounging, he made a triumphant noise and came back handing a small, green vial to James. “You’re going to need this.”

The red-headed college guy looked from the vial to the shopkeeper and back to the vial again before smirking. “Really? Really!? Let me guess what happens next. I drink a potion, go to a magical land, then wake up in front of a bar minus my wallet and nursing a hangover.”

This earned a flat look from Simon. “Okay Red first off, you use that after you get to the magical land. Second, we’re one block away from Bourbon Street. A place where virtually every form of alcohol and narcotic is available for purchase. Please don’t insult me by saying I’m dumb enough to employ an obvious trick that even an idiot could recognize in this part of the country as a means to scam some tourist out of their money.”

 “Oh. Well when you put that way. Sorry.” James shrugged uncomfortably and looked back at the vial as Simon stepped around him back to the counter.

“That’s what I keep the frying pan around for.”

This got an absent nod of agreement from James before the statement caught up to him. “Wait, hang on a sec. What do you mean by-?”

*WHAM*
 
 
 
Equestria, Edge of the Everfree Forest -night
 
 
Princess Luna, ruler of the night and protector of dreamers, lay quietly on a personal cloud as she scrutinized her hoofy-work of constellations and pathways for the moon.

The common pony seemed to believe that Luna needed to be at the palace practicing some great, arcane ritual to fulfill her nightly duties. It was a belief Luna did little to disabuse as it gave her the freedom to spend some nights working in private where she could enjoy some solitude with her own musings.

Well, as private as she could be while her royal guard shadowed her from a distance.

Luna closed her eyes and sighed as she took a moment away from her work to consider her own problems. It has been six weeks. Six weeks since her near-disastrous first nightmare night. With help from Twilight Sparkle and the other element bearers, except possibly one slightly over the top pink pony in a chicken suit, the night was salvaged into something worthwhile. Tia, dear Tia, was more than happy to talk things out with her little sister over the weeks. The citizens of Ponyville and the castle servants had long since warmed up to Luna after seeing her moment of normalcy…relative normalcy. That night, Luna had made huge strides in repairing the damaged relationship between her and her subjects. Even so.

Even so, the past weeks of reactions from other ponies and her night court showed it would be a long, long time before she would have the close relationship with her subjects enjoyed by her sister. The night princess was also well aware the progress she made so far was fragile at best. And that wasn’t the worst of her worries.

Despite Tia’s assurance that the elements purged Nightmare Moon for good, something about that night one thousand years ago bothered Luna. It was the feeling that Nightmare Moon came from something much darker and more terrible than mere feelings of inadequacy. Something that still lurked in Equestira. Yet, no matter how hard she thought back, her mind always drew a blank. Not just from the night she turned but four months prior. Four months exactly. She remembered everything before and after but not during those four months.
Something had to be done. But what was there to do? She found nothing in the Canterlot Archives despite searching from top to bottom since the day of her restoration by the elements. Tia, though Luna was sure she would be ready to listen, was too busy tending to matters of state to waste time with some unformed fear a thousand years past. The element bearers had their own lives to live and short enough already without wasting…short enough.   
There it is. Princess Luna, the ruler of the night and a diarch of Equestria, was afraid, alone and had no pony to turn to. Because, aside from her sister, most ponies wouldn’t see past the sheer age difference or raw power. Even Twilight Sparkle, the one pony who saw past the boisterous Canterlot voice and dark coat, would never fully get past the royal title shared with Tia. Unless Celestia’s protégé should happen to wake up with a new pair of wings.

Luna snorted at the thought. Oh, yes we can see it now. She thought wryly. Everypony would sing and dance until Tia would show up to wave a hoof to have Twilight sprout wings and reveal her ‘grand destiny’ then have a giggle later that night over her weekly cake binge. Luna shook her head. For all her love of mischief Luna doubted her sister would do anything so…obvious.

Luna sighed and looked back up at her sky sadly. It would be nice if there were somepony that could…possibly…

“HIYA PRINCESS MOPEY!!”

The maniacally, cheerful greeting shocked Luna so to the point of nearly falling off her cloud. And while any pegasi or alicorn could recover from a fall mid-flight the freefall beforehand would still be just as distressing. She turned prepared to give somepony a severe reprimand for startling a winged pony at rest only for her irritation to give way to shock at the sight before her.

Somehow the element of laughter, Pinkamania Pie if Luna remembered correctly, had navigated a massive pink hot air balloon up to three hooves behind Luna’s cloud without so much a sound.

“Pinkamania, how-?”

“Aw come on Princess, you don’t have to use my full name like all the stiffy McStiff Ponies out there. Just call me Pinkie. All my friends do.”

“Very well…Pinkie.” Luna felt strange using a first name with somepony that had started off running at the sight of her. Not that it didn’t feel nice to have the same pony be so trusting so soon. “How did you get here? And what are you doing?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Well duh! I flew here! And now I’m sitting here in a hot air balloon finding out why Princess Luna is being a Princess Mopey. You see,” Pinkie started hopping in place in the balloon basket as she continued her fluffy epic, “Somepony made the comment that I had sooo much energy that I could probably fly delivering cakes from one side of Equestria to the other in a day and I thought ‘Cakes across Equestria in a Day!? Cool! I gotta try it!’ But then when I tried to use my cycle copter I realized that there wasn’t enough room for the cakes so I loaded my hot air balloon and tried to use my surplus energy to speed it up through focusing my Pinkie Power.” At this point the pink mare demonstrated her focus by putting a fore hoof on either side of her head, crossing her eyes, and sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth. “But then my super intense Pinkie meditation was interrupted by my Pinkie senses telling me of an I.M.A. Imminent Mopeypants Alert. And everypony knows you can’t finish a cake mission if it means ignoring and I.M.A. so here I am.”

The onslaught of giggles and cheerful words left Luna blinking as she tried to assemble an answer. Of course, her mind failed to assemble a response before the bounding ball of concentrated pink laughter started off again.

“Oooh I know. I saw you staring at the sky so you must have been making a wish right?” Pinkie gasped as a thought struck her. “Wait a second! You’re the princess of night so that must mean you have the whole sky of stars to wish on! OH MY GOSH! If I could do that I’d use every wish for a cake and candy day! Everyday! FOREVER!!!!”

“PINKIE PIE!” Luna called in her Canterlot voice to catch Pinkie Pie’s attention. “While We -I- am most thankful for how you appreciate my night,” Luna gave a light shudder at Pinkie’s idea. That much confectionary mayhem flooding the world at once? Faust forbid! “it doesn’t work like that. When a pony makes a wish upon it the request comes to me. Most wishes that come true are simply those that happen to be within my power to grant. If we-I tried to make a wish I would simply be talking to myself.”

“That’s not good.”
The morose statement forced Luna to look at Pinkie who now had a saddened smile and slightly deflated mane. “Everypony has wishes from time to time. Even if the wish doesn’t come true at first, ponies can feel good knowing somepony is listening. It’s not right somepony who listens to all of our wishes doesn’t get to make her own.”
The simple declaration left Luna feeling deeply touched at its sorrow and concern for her behalf. “You are very kind to think so child. However, when our sis- my sister and I are responsible for the celestial bodies and all beneath them that doesn’t leave many others to turn to for answers. In the end, I simply have to accept that there will never be another who can hear out my-”

“WRONG! ‘Cause till now, you never had your good ole Auntie Pinkie Pie to help out.” Pinkie stuck her foreleg into her now fully fluffed mane in an attempt to find something.

Luna blinked her eyes a couple of times at the interruption before narrowing them in annoyance. “Child. While I appreciate your desire to help I’ll have you know I’m a good deal older than you. In fact, by thousands of-”

“FOUND IT!!” From the depths of her mane, Pinkie pulled out a reflective silver slip of paper and extended her fore leg over the side of the basket towards Luna.
Enveloping the offered ticket in her magic, Luna levitated the slip of paper in front of her to get a better look. It read as follows:


Odds and Ends


Wishing ticket


The owner of this ticket is entitled to one, complimentary wish upon activation.


Disclaimer: Based on the nature of the wish, time between activation and fulfillment may vary. Some wishes may not activate ticket due to logistical, dimensional, and/or supernatural impossibility.

 
“This is very…nice of you Pinkie.” Luna said uncertainly, “Pray tell, what is this?”

“Oh silly Princess! It’s a wishing ticket like it says on the print.” The pink mare giggled and pointed excitedly at the floating ticket. “All you have to do is hold it in front of you, close your eyes, then focus on something you really really really really really,” she paused long enough to take a deep breath, “really really REALLY want deep down. Then the ticket goes POOF and your wish is set to be granted.”

“Um. Thank you Pinkie but we wouldn’t want to deprive you-”

“Oh no problem princess. Even if you weren’t there to hear me out I mainly pass those out to pay for favors anyway so I could probably get one of my own any time I needed.” Pinkie pointed to herself proudly. “After all I’ve got people.”

“Pardon? People?”

“Yeah. They’re kinda like ponies except funny looking. Or maybe we’re funny looking. Or both of us are funny looking.” Pinkie giggled at herself before cutting off abruptly as she was taken by a series of odd movements. She spun in place three times, back flipped backwards once, then stuck her tongue in and out three times. After coming to a standstill she gasped. “Oh my gosh! It’s a visitor from reeeally out of Equestria and in need of a welcome cake signal.”

The party mare looked at Luna with large pleading eyes. “Princess I’m really really reeeally sorry but…couldyoutaketheballoonbacktoPonyvilleandlanditformegottagothankyou!”

Before Luna could discern the onslaught of words, the little pink mare jumped over the opposite side of the balloon basket causing the princess to shout in her most panicked Canterlot voice yet. “PINKIE PIE!!! HOLD ON, HELP IS COM…ing?”

The lunar princess watched in awe as Pinkie soared back up to flight altitude on a multicolored  hang glider that was seemingly pulled from the depths of her poufy mane. Luna stared as the little party pony soared towards the heart of the Everfree Forest shouting “PINKIE POWERS AWAY!!!”

Long after the glider disappeared, Luna shook her head in bewilderment thinking, not for the first time, That child MUST be some benign, long-lost descendent of Discord. How else does an earth pony accomplish half the things she does without magic?

She looked back to the ticket in front of her and considered it with a thoughtful frown before shrugging. Surely it couldn’t hurt to try?

Holding the ticket in front of her, Luna closed her eyes and focused on her earlier moment of sadness. Thoughts ran through her mind as she tried to narrow down her feelings to a single wish. She wanted somepony else to talk to for advice. Somepony that could lend an ear and be there for Luna the pony not the Princess of the night. Somepony who could…possibly…

When a single wish finally formed in Luna’s mind, she felt new magic forming in front of her. Her eyes opened in surprise to see the ticket glowing in concentrated magic. Pinkie wasn’t exaggerating. This device was magic; very powerful magic at that. Before Luna could form a plan of action the little ticket burst into silver flame causing her to shy back and cover her eyes from the flash.

After sensing the magic disperse as suddenly as it formed Luna pulled her hoof back to look around for any signs of activity. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, she frowned in confusion before remembering the lines on the ticket. ‘Based on the nature of the wish, time between activation and fulfillment may vary.’

Instead of the annoyance she expected at finding nothing, Luna felt an oddly warming sensation. It seems Pinkie was right, she thought fondly, One does feel comforted by the idea having their wish heard.

Sighing contently, Luna hopped from her cloud into the basket so she could take Pinkie’s balloon back. She tugged a few times at one of the lines and frowned as she failed to get a reaction. Luna moved on to tugging other lines, poking at some of the sandbags, even startling herself into giving a very unprincess-like squeak by pulling the chain on the furnace causing a flash of flame to send the balloon jolting a few hooves upward.

After twenty minutes of fiddling, poking, and prodding, the princess now sat on her haunches staring straight ahead in a haggard expression. Her normally majestic mane now dulled and frizzed out with stress and her left eye twitched as she quietly spoke in a deadpanned voice.
“…….we have no idea how to work this contraption.”
 
 
Equestria, Heart of the Everfree Forest -next morning
 
 
 
A dull throbbing pain brought James crashing back to the land of the waking world. Without opening his eyes, he gingerly touched the back of his head and hissed as the pain sharpened for a moment. His hand felt dry of blood so nothing serious then. Aside from a minor concussion. Minor-ish.

His eyes were still closed but he could feel wind across his face and notice sunlight through his closed eyelids. At the vague memory of mentioning being left somewhere, his hand shot to his pocket and he groaned when he found it empty.

“Scumbag did take my wallet.” He mumbled.

James continued to lie on the ground deciding that he would get up as soon as someone decided to help him up or at least nudge him out of the way. Minutes passed as he lay on the ground, yet no one bothered to move him.
His eyebrows furrowed as he took notice of the sounds around him. Or, more accurately, the lack of important ones. There was no music, no cars, no…

No people.

James fought a rising wave of panic as he felt along the ground with his hand. Instead of asphalt, drain water or, thank god no, vomit left by some party goer from the previous night he felt grass and packed dirt under his palm. Maybe he was in one of the parks? No. That wouldn’t explain the lack of people noises. Some wooded area or swap outside of the city limits? Again, the thought was dismissed. It would’ve been very far outside of New Orleans and required a far trek from any road to explain the lack of civilization noises. Surely, in the middle of all that manhandling, he would’ve come to?

Realizing that no other choice remained, James slowly sat up, wincing as the effort increased the throbbing in the back of his head. When his eyes finally opened, his jaw dropped at the sight around him.

He sat in a wooded clearing surrounded by trees and foliage that looked like something out of a wilderness survival flick. The foliage was so thick it seemed to form a wall and looking up revealed that branches from the surrounding trees stretched to form a thick canopy overhead letting no more than a few beams of sunlight flow through.  

While James was no botanist, he’d paid of attention in biology classes and scouts nature trips to know this plant life didn’t belong remotely close to New Orleans.

Turning around, James was shocked further as he glimpsed the clearing’s center. There sat a giant tree stump fashioned into a two story hut. It made him think of stories he heard about Sequoias that were hollowed out and fashioned into houses, though this seemed a different species of tree.

The confused man started for the door before a crinkling sound drew his attention to his feet. Three items had been piled beside where he awoke: a sealed envelope, a large paper bag with ‘James’ survival package’ marked in sharpie on the outside, and a set of keys he assumed went to the door to the hut.

Curiosity prompted James to open the bag first. His breath caught at what fell out.
The heaviest of the bag’s contents turned out to be an old leather-bound family bible his mom passed to him to read whenever he had a problem as she did. Admittedly, he didn’t read it as often as he should and treated more like a talisman he kept around for comfort and the old memories associated with it. The next item was his scratched up old MP3 player that he kept his favorite tunes on to help him calm his nerves. Last, but certainly not least, was the vial of green mystery liquid that Simon handed over before braining him.

After a moment of staring at the pile of items around him, James finally went for the letter. Considering past interactions with Simon he was convinced that the message would come with no small amount of trolling, but with no other means of answers he just had to suck it up and take the ribbing. The letter was opened reluctantly.
 
Dear James (known hence forth as Big Red),
 
WELCOME TO OZ BATCH!!!
 
James blinked in shock a moment before reading on.
 
Sorry BR. Always wanted to use that line and couldn’t help myself after your little stunt in the shop. But in all seriousness, no, you are not in the land of OZ. You’re in Equestria. More specifically, you’re near the heart of the Everfree Forest.  At this point you’re probably torn between the thoughts ‘Oh, dear god I’m in pastel Hell,’ and ‘A world without war? Eh, could be worse.’
In answer to the first thought, suck it up. With the insight my girl gives me for dealing with customers I know darn well you’d forgive being in Everfree for a chance to meet your favorite pony you closet Brony. As to the second, don’t get cocky. This world may be quieter than Earth but don’t think for a second everything can be solved with hugs and cake. Since your source of info came from a company peddling girls plushies, you can bet that show left out some darker details. Not quite creepy pasta or cupcakes dark, but dark enough. Your blood can spill, your bones can break, and there are ponies, as well as other creatures, with just enough darkness in their little pastel hearts that they’ll try to see it done.
 To the purpose of readying you for what to expect, this letter provides a few tidbits of advice.
Firstly, the reason for placing you near the heart of Everfree instead of, say for example, Ponyville. Most of the atmosphere in this planet is heavily saturated in magic. What makes this painfully obvious fact important is how painfully human biology reacts to this world’s magic. Imagine taking a three day camping trip in Chernobyl. Fortunately, the Everfree acts as sort of a sieve filtering magic from the surroundings as you get deeper into the woods with the center of Everfree having the least magic. Unfortunately, the biggest nastiest monsters are typically found in the heart of Everfree as well. Is there a connection? Yes. Will I tell you what it is? No, because that will take away from the adventure. Don’t worry too much though. You’re a smart(ish) kid. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
My first advice is this: If you pace yourself, you can actually build up some immunity to the worst side effects of magic by exploring a little further from the Glade, your hidey hole, each passing week. The Glade is designed to conceal and protect you from the worst wild life. Of course, that same protection doesn’t count for much if you’re found outside. You’ll find a few tools and instructions in the hut to deal with that.
My second bit of advice? However, ahem, useful your current college degree may be in the rest of pony land, I can tell you it won’t help here. That is where the vial comes in. To spare you the technical details it’s like steroids for the mind. For brief periods you will have faster thought processes and photographic memory. Combined with the enchanted library in the hut, the closest thing you will find to the internet in this world, it will allow you to quickly learn any new skills that could help you. Use too much or incorrectly and, continuing with the steroid comparison, it will do bad things to your head. Very bad things. Instructions and suggestions for proper use are inside with the library. IGNORE THEM AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Last piece of advice. Treat the situation as if your life depends on it. Because it does. Your return trip is only guaranteed on official termination of your contract with the other party. You die here? You die. That’s it.
Now that the heavy stuff is out of the way: let loose and have fun. As any thrill seeker on Earth would say, being in a life or death situation doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself.
 
The humble proprietor of Odds and Ends,
Simon
 
P.S. Sorry about the frying pan. While being unconscious made the trip a bit easier, the way I did it was kind of in answer for your little inner monologue about my shop being crazy town.
 
P.P.S. Oh, and the Tartarus gate is just a stone’s throw from the Glade. Thought you’d like to know.
 
P.P.P.S. There’s cake inside the hut.
 
 

James remained frozen as he stared listlessly at the letter while trying to put his panicked thoughts in order and process the situation.

Okay. So he is currently residing in every brony’s dream trip. Except for the part where some of the inhabitants may or may not try to hunt him down.

He took a deep breath then exhaled in an attempt to calm himself.

His current housing gives him the choice of sitting, literally, on Hell’s doorstep or stepping out too far and finding out what it is like to have his skin melt off in front of his eyes.

Another deep breath. Exhale.

James put on his earphones to start some music to calm his nerves. That always worked before after all. He clicked the random button and started his next inhale only to be interrupted as a familiar voice chimed through his ear piece.

“Oh, hey Big Red! Just thought I’d try a little something to help you get in the spirit of things. Along with this message, all seven and a half gigs on your player have been replaced with repeatedly copied tracks of the song The Smile Song sung by everyone’s favorite pink pony. Enjoy!”
 
James’ breath caught in his throat and his entire body went rigid as the named song started playing.

The Glade seemed to go silent with anticipation of what the frozen figure would do next.
The silence was broken when…
 
 
 
Equestria, various locations- same time.
 
 
Fluttershy had just finished doing her morning routines: her animals were fed, the rabbits suffering from flu were well on their way to recovery, and she even had time to rehearse with the songbird choir for the coming town events.

With time to spare, she was now sitting on her front porch beside Angel bunny with a fresh cup of tea while enjoying the sight of Celestia’s rising sun. For all the stress that came from living so close to the Everfree, it was moments like this that made it worthwhile.

“You know Angel? I think we’re just going to take things slow today. Something tells me we won’t be having that much excitement for a change.”

Angel looked up and gave his opinions on such blindly optimistic judgments with a frown and raised eyebrow. His expression made Fluttershy giggle and she went back to enjoying her tea.
Yes, things were shaping up to be nice and quiet that day. At least they were until…
 
In a dark basement beneath Bon Bon’s shop The Sweet Tooth, many strange and bizarre plans were coming together.

One wall had the Equestiran map painted on its side partially covered with a variety of news clippings, photos, and post-it-notes. Numerous colored strings crisscrossed the map connecting the packets in a sporadic web revealing patterns that only the most eccentric and paranoid of individuals would suspect existed. No lights in the room shown except for a single lamp casting a single beam that illuminated the wall in all its conspiracy obsessed glory.
In the center of that beam stood the friendly, if occasionally unhinged, lime coated unicorn, Lyra Heartstrings. 

While she often spent time in the basement pursuing her…hobbies…there was just something about today that brought her conspiracy instincts screaming to the surface of her psyche. Her eyes were bloodshot, the left of which twitched constantly, and her whole body shivered in anticipation of something the unicorn couldn’t seem to grasp. She stared at the wall as if willing the stubborn web of data on the wall to bring her enlightenment as to what she seemed to be sensing.

Her horn glowed with an eerie green light and her ears twitched at some unknown sound. In an instant, her entire body froze and she was struck by a sense of clarity. In that moment, she could only voice her excitement by whispering two words through a slightly off kilter grin.  
  “…They’re heeeereeeee.”
 
 
The Princess of the sun was struggling to keep her composure as she prepared for the day court.
At the end of last night, the worry Celestia had felt at her sister’s tardiness quickly turned to mirth at her arrival to Canterlot.

Two of Luna’s night guard, as renowned for their intimidating countenance as the solar guard for their stoic dispositions, were wheezing while dragging a neon pink hot air balloon as their mistress bellowed in the Royal Canterlot voice for a balloon pilot. Being some of the strongest flyers in the guard, they seemed to be unusually flustered for trying to drag a simple hot air balloon.

Of course, that may have been because an even more flustered Luna was tampering with the balloon controls sending it jolting up and down as the guards tried to haul it.  
If that bit of excitement wasn’t enough her advisor, Trusty, came with the news that today was looking to be one of those rare occasions where the Day court would be nearly dead quiet. This of course meant more time for Celestia to plot ways to utilize last night’s events in pranking Luna as recompense for the massive cake contamination via Tartarus Diablo sauce two nights ago.

Her prankster machinations were interrupted, however, as her ears twitched at a faint sound coming from the direction of Everfree. She nervously turned to face the direction of the sound as it grew steadily louder.

“What in Tartarus is that noise…?”
 
 

From the simple town of Ponyville to the majestic Canterlot, ponies were startled out of their morning routines as their attention was captured by an odd sound. Its savage keen pierced the morning air sounding both enraged and agonized. The call seemed to have formed a word of some sort but nopony could identify it. The closest anypony could describe was a sound along the lines of…
 
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!”


> Ch2: Something Reeks in the Forest of Everfree
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another day dawned beneath Celetia’s sun and the town’s librarian prepped for coming scheduled tasks: alternating library organization between the Dewey decibel and other systems, working on her twelfth thesis paper, stocking up for an expedition on the Everfree outskirts to study categorize the flora and fauna. The purple unicorn sighed in contentment. How could the day get any more relaxing?

Her number one assistant would likely have some choice retorts to that question.


“Seventeen times, Twilight? Really!?!” Spike huffed in exasperation as he balanced on top of a shelf latter, “Just how many times do you have to reorganize the library before you’re ‘settled in?’ I’ve lost track of how many ponies walked out of this building shaking their heads in confusion because the sections are never in the same place for more than a day!”

“Forty-two.”

“Missing the point, Twilight,” Spike said flatly.

“Sorry, Spike,” Twilight sighed, “I know you are right of course. It’s just that, with this new mission Celestia gave us, I need a way to relax and pull myself together.”

“Most ponies try hobbies. Have you considered stamp collecting?”

“I’m serious, Spike! The Princess is counting on us to find the source of the disturbance from the Everfree! How many times can we expect to get a personal mission from the Princess herself?!”

“Honestly? I’m surprised we haven’t been offered ‘employee of the month’ packages like I see Filthy Rich offering at his general store.”

“Spike!”

“Come on, Twilight!” the little Dragon groaned as he strained with an encyclopedia on the top shelf. “It’s been over two months since that weird noise! Nopony has heard a peep since! Whatever caused it is either gone or so deep in the forest that the Princess would never consider sending us in without a legion of guard ponies. You ask me? I give it a day before some disaster comes to Ponyville and this whole thing blows over. I wouldn’t be surprised if everypony already forgot about the ‘Everfree voice’ by now.”

“I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE EVERFREE VOICE!!!”

The sudden shout from outside forced a startled yelp from Spike as he tumbled from the top of the ladder along with an avalanche of books. The little dragon came within an inch of slamming headfirst into the ground before being caught in a violet aura. After opening his eyes, he directed a sheepish look toward his friend.

“‘Give it a day’ huh?” she said dryly to Spike who only shrugged in response. “Well, we might as well see what this is about.”

They made their way through the front door to find a flurry of activity at the town center in response to the shout. Somehow, in the short time window between the shout and the duo’s exit from the library, ponies had left their houses and stalls to form a massive crowd around the town square’s fountain. Twilight could only guess at how bored these ponies must be to gravitate toward any sign of activity that quickly.

After taking a moment to scan the crowd, Twilight spotted Applejack near the edge and made her way toward the orange mare. “Applejack! What in Equestria is this about?!”

The farm pony looked over and nodded, “Hey, Twi. Seems like Lrya’s on the rampage.”

“You mean the crazy one that lives in the basement of Bon-Bon’s shop?”

“Spike!” Twilight chided.

“I’m not normally one for speaking poorly about other ponies,” Applejack nodded, “but she does tend to act a few apples short of a basket. And yes, that’s the one. She was actually picked up from the edge of Everfree by one of the weather team that spotted her. Says she has some ‘evidence’ about the ruckus a couple months back.”

All of them looked up at the pony in question. At the moment, she stood on the fountain edge seemingly prepping for a speech. The lime-green unicorn’s mane had twigs tangled in it, her coat was matted, and she was wearing a manic grin as her left eye twitched. A damaged, instant picture magi-camera was hung about her neck and she regularly switched between scanning the crowd’s faces and checking something in her saddle bags. Her roommate, the Candy store owner Bon-Bon, stood to the left alternating between giving nervous looks to the crowd and exasperated ones to Lyra.

“Well,” Twilight said as she shrugged uncomfortably, “I suppose it can’t hurt to hear what she has to say…right?”

“Everypony! Can I have your attention please?” the crowd hushed and turned toward Lyra who nodded when she could see that all attention was on her. “Thank you. During what the Crown plays down as the ‘incident’”-Lyra bent her front hooves in quotation-“my horn suffered from magic feedback resulting from a trans-dimensional occurrence. In order to confirm this, I made arrangements for my own expedition into the Everfree by the end of the first month and returned today. It was during that expedition that I encountered a majestic and elusive being. A creature I’m sure you will be shocked to hear of. A creature-”

“Let me guess. HUMANS!? The same thing you’re always trying to ‘point fingers at,’ for every time a tree shakes or the leaves fall? When you aren’t bemoaning your finger envy, of course.”

“Alright, who said that!?” Lyra scanned sniggering audience members before finding and glaring at the source. “Oh, ha ha. You amuse as always, Smart Ass.”

“Eh, I do my best,” said the town donkey.

“Anyway, sarcasm aside,” Lyra continued irritably, “it was, indeed, a human. BEHOLD MY PROOF!” Her horn flashed and a photograph was pulled from her saddlebags along with a slew of other photos that slid to the ground in front of the fountain.

“Oh, the horror! The horror!” came a dramatic cry from one of the Flower Sisters as she fell to the ground with a hoof across her forehead.

The sibling to the left looked doubtfully between the pictures and her fallen sister. “Really? You’re going to faint at a photo that looks like our aunt’s fruitcake left over from last year’s Heart’s Warming celebration? Honestly, we saw more drama at the bunny stampede.”

“Meh. I figure it’s good to stay in practice for next disaster,” the fainting sister said nonchalantly as she stood up and brushed dirt from her coat.

“Like wha-? No!” Lrya said angrily, “no, this is a picture of the human I encountered. More specifically, it is a Wooly Mountain Man.”

“A Wooly what?” came a confused murmur from several audience members.

“A Wooly Mountain Man. It is a subspecies of the common human. Look here,” Lyra began pointing excitedly at several parts of photo, “note the additional growth of fur over its normally hairless abdomen. It is an adaptation for the harsh conditions in its cold, high altitude environment. And here! It is wielding the artfully crafted mining tool made for digging up precious metals to replace fallen teeth.”

“Question!” Smart the donkey called holding his hoof in the air. “If that is a Wooly Mountain Man, then why is it mucking about in a forest instead of, I don’t know, the peaks of Dragon Spire? You know, the only unoccupied mountain for leagues around?”

“Well, you see…um, that is…” Lrya trailed off as she considered that little conflict for the first time.

“Well. Looks just like that time with the panic about ‘Royal Secret Police,” Smart said in a bored voice.

“HEY! The Secret Guard is real! They just snuck into my home at night and took the evidence before I could go public. After the failed attempt at drugging my previous meal, of course.” Bon-Bon faced hoofed at Lyra’s rebuttal.

“Indeed,” Mayor Mare spoke up doubtfully before turning to the crowd, “you heard it everypony. Just another false alarm. Please go about your business.” This brought an annoyed groan from the audience as they dispersed while Lyra looked back and forth in panic.

“Wait, what!? No!! The Wooly Mountain Man is out there! We just need to start an exploration party and-”

“Give it a rest Lyres,” Bon-Bon said tiredly. “You can try again after you find solid proof,” she looked over the photos doubtfully, “maybe work on you photography skills while you’re at it. For now, let’s go home and-”

“NEVER! I can’t give up now that I’m so close!” Lyra pointed toward the forest line, “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE BONNIE!! It-mmmph?!”

Lyra’s rant was interrupted when Bon-Bon shoved something in the green mare’s mouth. “Yes, yes I’ve heard it before. If that’s the case, I’m sure the truth will be there in a few days after you’ve rested from this latest adventure. For now though, eat your sunflower seeds and let’s go home, Lyra.”

Lyra reluctantly followed after Bon-Bon, growling through a mouthful of sunflower seeds, as the rest of the crowd moved on leaving Twilight Sparkle and her assistant standing where they were at the beginning. The purple unicorn put a hoof to her muzzle in thought as she considered following after them. The claim of ‘magic feedback’ had caught Twilight’s attention as something similar had happened to her that day. After witnessing the rest of that little display though? Twilight finally shrugged and made her way back to the library to go back to organizing instead.

The town square was left deserted. No trace of the morning’s meeting was left aside from a pile of blurry photos in front of the fountain. Everypony had left without showing a hint of belief or interest.

Except for one.

A lone mare walked from the shadows of the nearby buildings where she stood avoiding the collective gaze of the crowd during the meeting. She wore an old-style dress, thick reading glasses, and wore her mane in a piled bun. Altogether, the ensemble gave her a quaint, almost motherly look. A few ponies might have recognized her for her fictional books series. Even fewer knew just how much truth those books actually contained. In all of Equestria, however, only one mare knew her real job. Well, maybe two after that little royal reunion.

The motherly mare picked up one of the pictures and studied it uncertainly. A year-old Heart’s Warming fruit cake? She could definitely see that. Or maybe a pole-vaulting badger if viewed the right way. In all likelihood, this was just the ranting of a delusional conspiracy hound. Then again, that same conspiracy hound’s antics nearly threw a wrench into a hidden government branch’s workings. For the longest while, they debated whether said conspiracy hound should be ‘recruited’ or killed. Fortunately for the crazed little unicorn, it was decided to simply keep a closer watch on her.

The mare dropped the photo to reach into the folds of her dress. She pulled out what seemed to be a rusted compass with a cracked crystal. Unlike a normal compass, it only had one arrow. That arrow was currently twitching in the direction of the Everfree Forest.  She looked from the compass to the forest and back again with pursed lips. Obviously, there was something in there. Could it even be…?

Giving a shrug the mare, known as A.K. Yearling to some, replaced the compass and pulled out a safari hat in its stead. Whatever the case, she thought wryly, I should at least find new material for my books.
 
 
 
Airspace above Everfree Forest
 
 
 
Princess Luna was flying over the Everfree Forest while in one of the foulest moods she had been in centuries. Her search for answers in the Archives over the last two months had found nothing. Not even in the forbidden sections! And after all the time she had to spend meditating, preparing safety guards and counter curses just to enter that infernal place!

Did the increased activity in her Night Court help? Certainly not! As it turned out, the new influx of petitioners were nobles bringing convoluted tax schemes. The best part of it? She wasn’t their first choice. They were hoping to sneak crooked legislation by the ‘naïve, younger princess’ after they were turned down by Celestia.   

Oh, and Celestia! By Faust! If the uproar by Luna’s…less than graceful arrival into Canterlot via hot air balloon wasn’t troublesome enough, Celestia had spent the last two months planting little reminders and pranks around the palace: models, poster photos of her waving her forelegs in panic(she still had no way of knowing how she got those pictures), insurance packets. There was even a brochure for a balloon pilot training camp; one intended for training foals!

That latest prank had been the last straw! Luna was so infuriated that she stormed out in the middle of her night court to visit her viewing cloud. When this angered, taking time to focus on her night sky was often the only way she could calm herself. After this latest fiasco though? She was thoroughly tempted to arrange some constellations to a pattern fittingly embarrassing for her prank loving big sister. Like an illustration of Celestia during her special cake night, perhaps?

She chuckled darkly and looked up preparing to move her stars around only to blink in confusion. It was still the middle of the day. She couldn’t have stormed out of Night Court. Thinking about it, she couldn’t really remember her flight out here. Looking around, she also noticed that she had overshot her viewing cloud by several miles.

Luna stopped into a hover and quickly shook her head in an attempt to shake the haze from her memories. What had angered her to begin with? The nobles and disappointing research results were nothing new. The pranks weren’t that annoying. Some of them were rather amusing in fact. So why..?

The princess turned to fly back to the palace and consult her sister…only to freeze midair as a powerful surge of magic immobilized and held her in place. She tried summoning her own magic, but the foreign energy managed to suppress it. Mists formed and darkened into massive, frothing swirls of storm clouds. What could be doing this? What is powerful enough to-!?Her mind’s processes froze at a sudden thought. This is the same magic emitted by that ticket!!

Before Luna could attempt to act on that revelation, the storm clouds dissipated as every jolt of their combined energy formed into a lance of electricity that stuck her horn. She screamed in pain and helplessly entered a free fall as the magic holding her vanished as quickly as it had formed. Her last sight before losing consciousness was the rapidly approaching tree canopy of the Everfree.
 
 
 
 
Everfree Forest- late evening
 
 
The beastly form of a manticore trampled through the underbrush and managed to shatter several saplings unfortunate enough to be planted in its path. It stopped in a clearing, glaring at its surroundings and sniffing the air. Unlike its lesser cousins dwelling in the forest edge, the manticores native to the heartlands of the Everfree Forest were more aggressive, smarter, and sported fur colors ranging from blood red to pale white with the latter being the worst, likely because of having to survive with a coat color that clashed with its environment. This happened to be one of those pale brutes. It sniffed the air for a few minutes before finally roaring in frustration and charging out of the clearing.

The clearing remained silent for a few minutes until the smaller animals decided the predator had cleared enough distance to consider the area safe to move in again. One bush along the clearing edge rustled as a wounded, brown Pegasus emerged while struggling with a load carried on her shoulder.

Daring Do was currently up to her neck in horse apples.

Daring’s mission briefing had warned her that the native wildlife of Everfree got meaner, tougher, and smarter the further in one traveled. That wasn’t a problem for her. Her wing had been sprained, possibly even dislocated, effectively grounding her. That proved annoying, but it was nothing she hadn’t dealt with before. The source of her difficulty came from the dead weight she was dragging along with her.

The explorer glanced back at the unconscious alicorn currently tied to her back. Somehow, the nocturnal monarch had charred her horn and badly singed one of her wings. Thank harmony for the small mercy that Luna was a tad smaller than her sister at least! But what was the Princess of the Moon even doing here?! Shouldn’t she being getting beauty rest or something?

Her thoughts went back to when everything went south as she started trudging back toward Ponyville. The mission had been going smoothly for the most part. That was, at least, until the bucking Princess of the Moon came crashing through the canopy and directly onto Daring. When Daring failed to rouse the Princess, it became pretty clear that the original mission parameters would have to be abandoned in favor of getting Luna to safety. Interesting tidbit though? Carrying somepony two to three times your size while injured made navigating a deadly forest a lot harder.

Oh, yeah. There’s also the fact that the Princess’s little crash landing attracted the attention of every bloodthirsty predator in the forest.

The hours since the crash were a desperate fight for survival. It took all of Daring’s skill, tenacity, and every trick learned in her adventures to keep out of a mouth full of sharp teeth. And it wasn’t enough. By her best estimations, Daring expected they wouldn’t make it out before night fell. While carrying an unconscious Princess? Odds weren’t good on making it out at all after that point.

As if the universe decided to express its agreement, a series of rumbling growls resounded around the pair. Daring sighed and looked around tiredly taking in the sight of eight pairs of glowing eyes belonging to ebony colored, briar riddled timber wolves bigger than most cows. By this point, Daring’s bag of explorer tricks was used up. It seems like this might be the-hang on!

Daring glanced around quickly in hope only to sigh disappointedly. Well, with the sheer number of timber wolf packs in Everfree, it was probably hoping for too much to find a pack with a cedar pug or something to rush past. In correction to her earlier assessment, that was the last from the bag of tricks.

Daring exhaled once more before taking in her surroundings with a drained expression as a bleak thought came to her mind. This is it isn’t it? This book won’t be getting a happy ending.

Gently slipping the unconscious form of Princess Luna to the ground, Daring spread her legs apart and snorted in challenge. Well, she ended one career in a blaze of glory. Why not do it again?

The last stand of Daring Do was interrupted as a whistling noise filled the air, followed by a dull *clunk* as a clay sphere bounced into the clearing. Both the wounded mare and timber wolves stared at the ball for an instant in confusion before it exploded in a flash of light and clouds of powder.

Daring coughed from the powder and rubbed her eyes trying to recover from the odd flash bomb. All around her, she could hear growls, yelps, and some whistling noise. When she was finally able to look up again, her mouth dropped in amazement. Where eight timber wolves stood ready to tear her apart, only five remained locked in combat with some bipedal being. Whether it was hallucinogenic effects of the flash bomb or some form of magic, the figure seemed to be surrounded by streaks of silver and orange light. Everywhere those streaks were directed, timber wolf parts went flying or burst into flames.

In a bloody fight that might have taken ten to fifteen seconds of dodging, strikes, and parries, the clearing was riddled with piles of ash and wood chippings. Only the biped and a single timber wolf remained. While the adversaries faced one another, Daring took the opportunity to get a better look at the new fighter. It wore a fur robe made from red manticore fur and held some sort of pole arm in its right grip. Whether it was magic or some trick, the fan-shaped blade at the end flickered with fire. Well, that explained the silver and orange streaks. But the fact that an experienced brawler like Daring only managed to see streaks in the first place? That made her nervous. The two enemies glared at one another before the wooden predator snarled and darted away.

“Don’t let it get away!” Daring called out, not bothering to worry whether Mr. Biped McSlashy was friend or foe. If that fungus ridden mutt got away it would spread its enchantments to other flora and come back with a pack twice the numbers faced earlier. Any other day, Daring wouldn’t have cared what it did and would’ve let bygones be bygones. Circle of life thing and all. Now, while she was weighed down by a wounded Princess? She couldn’t afford the risk.

McSlashy took the hint. Twirling the pole arm in a flourish, he cocked the weapon back and threw it like a javelin. The weapon flew twenty feet before finding its mark and pinning the hapless, brushwood canine to the ground. The initial impact got a yelp from it and it started yelping in earnest as whatever gimmick that lit the blade set the creature ablaze. It went silent after the flames left nothing but a pile of ashes with the weapon stuck into the ground, seemingly untouched by the flames.

With the adrenaline rush thoroughly burned out, Daring fell tiredly back on her haunch. The explorer had been in enough situations to know that the lights were going out for her at any moment, but she intended to fight unconsciousness until she could get a good glimpse at this thing.

Could this-? Could this be a human? It didn’t seem possible. Aside from the fact that humans aren’t supposed to exist in Equestria, what Daring did know indicated that they shouldn’t have been faster than an eye blink or able to throw a spear with the accuracy and power of a ballista. The human, if that is really what it is, stood with his back to her slowly moving his shaggy, auburn haired head left and right as he scanned the area. Satisfied that there were no more threats in the area, he slowly turned around giving Daring her first good look at his face. His skin was pale and half his face was covered in a thick, scraggly beard. His cool amber eyes stared back into Daring’s shocked magentas. After a few minutes of staring, he opened his mouth to speak softly.

“Fedora.”

Just enough breath remained in Daring for her to utter a clever retort before passing out. “…the buck?”

Smooth, Daring. Real smooth, she thought dryly as unconsciousness took her



> ch3: the players gather
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
“Come on girl, hold it together,” the pilot muttered under her breath, “just be good for mama a little bit longer.” She grimaced as groaning noises came from the frame in reply.
Even with the sudden shorts in the radio, neither the pilot nor her navigator had expected to encounter any problems getting to the island. Near the end of their flight, however, a freak storm had hit sending them into a fight for their lives. While their custom-job aircraft was built for rugged, long-term trips it wasn’t meant to take the beating it was receiving from these raging winds, lightning strikes and baseball sized hail.

“Damn it, Fred! I’m flying blind here!” pilot yelled as the craft tipped and dropped a few meters as she fought against the storm winds. “Get that junker running and a comm. line to the flight tower, now!”

“The radio is working fine!” the frustrated navigator called from his station at the radio. “The problem is there’s nothing there! There aren’t any signals to pick up.”

“Bull! We should already be at the island. Our instruments say it, your flight calculations say it!” the pilot yelled angrily. “Even if we’re going to try for a crash landing in the shallows near the beach, we’re going to need tower guidance to talk us down safely with all of this,”-she waved at the surrounding storm-“obstruction to my line of sight!!Get. That. Radio. Working!!”        

“I told you already it is!” Fred yelled back heatedly, “it’s the storm! Has to be-”

A massive peal of thunder and flash of light interrupted their argument. A grinding screech and flash of orange to their right signaled the right engine’s demise. Everything shook as the plane went into a nose dive despite the pilot’s best efforts. “FUCK!! We’ve been hit! Guidance or not we’re going down. Fred, brace for impact! Fred!? Fred, answer me-!” the pilot stopped as she noticed the smell of burned flesh. She turned in her seat to see that, as well as killing their engine, that last strike had lanced through the hull into the radio operator’s station. Fred was already gone.

“Damn it, Fred. I’m sorry,” the pilot said softly as she relaxed back into her chair. Her voice had gone flat, lacking any trace of fight or energy. Along with the surrounding storm, a loud humming sound built around the plane as it careened toward the surface.  
Is this it then? I work all my life for this big adventure and it ends like this!?! came a bitter thought. The pilot sighed as she braced for the inevitable. “I’m sorry, Pidge,” she spoke softly, “guess you won’t be getting that first edition of my book after all.”


****

“Gaahh!?” Daring Do jerked awake in a cold sweat. She had to take several calming breaths before the feeling of impending doom faded away. She looked down at herself to see that she was sitting on a small, patchwork cushion. Self-examination revealed that a bandage had been wrapped around her middle in such a way that her injured wing was bound to her side while leaving the other free movement. Daring turned her gaze to her surroundings as she worked on calming her breaths.

She seemed to be in the living room area of some sort of hut. ‘Seemed to be’ as the room seemed to be designed for the purpose but didn’t have furnishings that were associated with the civilized concept of a living room. Most of the items present were tools from various crafting disciplines, ingredient containers, etc. A book shelf was carved into the wall beneath a set of stairs leading two the second floor. From the looks of it, it was stocked with reference material. If somepony asked Daring what she would compare the place to? The best she could guess would be a dumping ground or storage shed for a trade school.

Her gaze drifted to the center of the floor and her eyes widened. In the center of the room, sitting with his legs folded under him and his hands lying on his knees, sat the creature. Well, the human sat there. His eyes were closed and his breathing seemed to indicate sleep. But was he human? Gruff looks aide, he seemed to match one for appearance but, based on what she remembered, he shouldn’t have been capable of half the things he did when he rescued her and the Princess.

Daring’s ears stiffened and her eyes shrunk to pinpricks. The Princess!! How could she have forgotten?

Daring looked around from her position and couldn’t see any trace of the princess in the ground floor. As quietly as she could, the wounded explorer rose from her padding and inched toward and up the stairs. When she made it to the top she sighed in relief at what she saw. The Princess lay on a cushion of her own wrapped in bandages and treated much as Daring was. Inching closer, Daring looked over the wounds. As well as bandages, Daring recognized the scent of several healing salves that she learned of during her travels. Whoever or whatever this guy was, at least he seemed to know his field curatives. 

“Princess. We need to get out of here,” Daring said softly as she nudged the sleeping ruler gently. No answer came. “Seriously, Highness, this is not the time to be getting your royal beauty sleep. The entire kingdom is likely freaking out by now. Get up!” Luna still showed no response.

“Perfect,” Daring muttered. “Looks like the choice is carrying sleeping beauty through a deadly forest or ask Mr. McSlashy for help while hoping he’s not a psychotic.” Daring hesitated a moment before shrugging and making her way back to the mumbling, “McSlashy, I choose you.”

No longer feeling any urgency, she took her time observing the structure of the tree itself as she made her way down.  
The construction material reminded her of the library in Ponyville, meaning that this building was likely made by wood shaping. The problem with that explanation is that the only craftponies with that skill still around today are found in Canterlot and had no reason to come to the Everfree. Maybe their host did this? Again, that shouldn’t be possible if he really is a human.

Coming to the bottom of the stairs, Daring looked over to the center of the room where she last saw the human. He sat exactly as he was when she snuck off. She decided to take this chance to get a closer look at their mystery man.

Aside from some loose fitting clothing around his legs, the rest of his clothing was tossed to the side near the bookshelf leaving his feet and upper body bare. Well, however long he has been here, she thought, he has certainly been put through the ringer.  A set of claw marks, manticore Daring guessed, extended from his right shoulder across his right pectoral. That one had been a lucky dodge as a direct hit would have shredded through muscle, organ, and bone altogether instead of leaving a simple scar. Light, winding scars webbed along his middle indicated a brush with garotte vines. Based on the nicks and scars Daring could see, this guy should have been killed a dozen times over. Yet, perhaps through his apparent field medic skills or sheer luck, his body seemed to be in pretty good shape. While he demonstrated a fair amount of brute strength earlier, his muscles were lean and corded indicating a focus on flexibility and speed. Despite the webbing of scars, his abdominals were rock hard and rippled with each deep breath. It glistened in a thin sheen of sweat and…!

Daring’s eyes widened in shock and she slammed a hoof into her face in an attempt to derail that train of thought before it could go further. NO! Bad Daring Do. Bad BAD! You are on a mission. You are not in heat. You are not some damsel to jump at the first would be knight to help out, she thought to herself in annoyance, and you are most especially NOT in one of those corny, outer species romance novels you see your hack competition throw onto the shelves each week. She took a deep breath and let it out. Make first contact now, consider therapy later.

She walked toward him and cleared her throat. Time to get this show on the road. “Excuse me? My name’s Daring. Daring Do. Professional explorer and adventurer. I was hoping we could…introduce ourselves?” The figure did not so much as twitch.
Daring grunted and tried a little bit louder. “Listen, I appreciate you sav-er-aiding me and my friend back there. The thing is, it’s important that we get out of here because a lot of ponies are going to be looking for us soon. Maybe…if you could..?” she voice faded out as she realized she still wasn’t reaching him.

This was getting ridiculous! Adventuring may have been a solitary kind of job that keeps you in the middle of nowhere from civilization, but that doesn’t mean Daring was one to tolerate being ignored. Tartarus, if that were the case, then she wouldn’t spend so much time writing about herself after each trip! “Hey, hairless! I’m talking to you!” she barked and waved her hoof in front of his face. She still received no reaction for her troubles.

The irate explorer frowned for a moment before a smirk came to her face. “And…thecrazymonkeyhermitsayswhat?” she blurted.

“…….”

“Hmph. Fine! Be that way.” Daring glared at the kneeling figure a moment before her smirk returned. “If I have to wait on you to wake up then I guess I should do something to keep myself entertained.” She glanced around until her eyes landed on the bookcase she saw earlier.

She started for the shelf before noticing their host’s weapon leaned against the wall nearby and headed for a closer look. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the fan shaped blade at the top. Daring wondered at how a blade with such an immaculate edge could have been made with so many chips and holes in the center. Closer inspection revealed scorch marks around these holes, some of them filled with a burnt jelly substance.

“Well, that explains the fire show earlier,” Daring whispered thoughtfully to herself, “but how did he make-?” her eyes widened as her gaze drifted to the manticore coat folded nearby and a few possibilities came to mind. She swallowed. “Actually, I really don’t need to know.”  

Abandoning that train of thought, Daring walked back to the bookcase to see what kind of subjects tall, dark, and stabby studied. She was surprised by the wide range of titles she saw: The Equestria Bestiary Guide, Commander Hurricane’s Code of Warfare, Smith Craft for Simpletons, and Wild Herbs and You. Daring even spotted a few titles she wrote in the collection. She covered her mouth with a hoof to keep from giggling. Never would have expected to find a fan here, she thought dryly as she lifted one of her books to idly glance through. All expression drained from her face as she found nothing but blank pages.

She placed the book back and pulled another out only to find it blank as well. She tried another. And another. She tried it with familiar titles and some exotic titles that sounded like they had never been published in Equestria. Over and over, every book she pulled out was filled with blank pages. What is the point of a bookshelf filled with covers without the pages!? She thought as she looked back at her host with a concerned frown. What could be going through that guy’s head?


****

“‘Crazy monkey hermit?’ Okay. You might be one of my favorite ponies but you are so going to pay for that one.”

James currently lounged in an office chair with his feet propped on a mahogany desk. The only items on the desk were ingoing and outgoing baskets. The wall behind him sported a viewing mirror with a radio sitting on the sill and the wall to his left had a bookcase with books that periodically shifted in and out of existence. His own appearance differed from the waking world in that his red hair was trimmed, a small goatee and stash framed his mouth, and he wore a cassock. The clothes tended to shift on his mood, but the cassock tended to be his standard; he couldn’t decide just what got him into the habit as he wasn’t actually Catholic but figured what appealed to him was a combination of the style and his own twisted, sarcastic humor. As far a mental constructs go, it wasn’t the most sophisticated he had designed so far, but it served its purpose.

On the first day of his little adventure, after he finished with his nervous breakdown of course, James walked into hut to take inventory of what he had to work with. There had indeed been cake, topped with the line ‘welcome to a new world and here’s hoping you like the new digs’ in icing, as well as a varied collection of tools that varied from wilderness survival to crafting materials. While the tools looked like they would be useful, James was more than a little overwhelmed at the fact that he would have to figure them out on his own while trying to survive an environment filled with flesh-eating monstrosities.

It was on the verge of a second freak out that he remembered the vial of liquid in his hand. Simon’s note said it could be used in combination with his ‘magical internet,’ the enchanted collection of books beside the staircase, to quickly learn skills he might need to survive. The note also said to study a set of instructions in the hut before using it. James generally believed in reading the instruction manual, but due to the dubiousness of the source, and possibly some lingering anger over the MP3 trolling, he decided his best bet was to experiment on his own. His first test was to memorize something familiar; his old family bible. When no side effects kicked in, he decided that Simon was pulling his leg and moved on to two or three reference books from the shelf. He learned two things an hour later. 1) Simon wasn’t pulling his leg. 2) Whether or not you think the author is a scumbag, you always ALWAYS check the manual first.

In the middle of reading his third vocational book, he collapsed onto the floor as searing pain shot behind his fore head. Every bit of information he memorized in the past hour fought to the surface of his consciousness along with every memory embedded in his mind. Every. Single. One. Each experience, idea, and thought that his mind recorded fought for dominance. Every piece of information parading through his mind brought the sensation of a heated blade tearing through his skull and his sense of awareness drifted as memories and images blended together. Was he sitting alone at a table at the nursery? Was he being beat up at the schoolyard? Was he working at a fast food diner? Did he ever have drinks with President Truman?

In an effort to regain control, he locked onto the most familiar image his mind could summon; the church he grew up in. First, he pictured a long hallway lined with Sunday school rooms. He then imagined it divided into three wings: the east wing where it connected to the main sanctuary, the center had a conference room for dinners, and the west wing that had the access stairs leading to the gym in the lower levels. After establishing visuals, he began focusing on the little details to give it strength: the feeling of safety he felt in the sanctuary, the texture of the carpet under his childhood hands, the sound of the organ playing simple hymns.  When the image became more solid, he then imagined frantically shoving the excess information and locking them into various rooms. As the chaos diminished, he allowed the building’s image to fade from his mind.

James’ eyes opened to find he was lying on the hut floor. His throat was parched and his body was covered in bruises from an apparent session of seizures. After quenching his thirst at the sink, James took a look around to try and gauge what happened. Based on his observations, such as the staleness of the cake and the weakness from his level of dehydration, James estimated that his little experiment had left him twitching on the floor for two or three days. He offered a silent prayer in thanks that he didn’t just die of thirst or break his neck for his stupidity as he cleaned himself in the small bathroom. Afterward, he decided to use the rest of the day for recovery and flopped into the small cot upstairs.

The moment his eyes closed, James was pleasantly surprised for the first time since he woke up in front of the hut. Instead of drifting into slumber, he found himself standing in the halls of the church he mentally reconstructed. Curious, he started exploring the hallways and found that he could open doors to access the information in an orderly fashion. Whether someone upstairs and a world away was still watching out for him or he experienced a case of serendipity, his struggle with the juice had formed into a memory palace.

In literature and shows the memory palace, sometimes called a mind attic or mind palace, was a visualization technique that allowed for better memorization that was said to have originated from Method of Loci dating back to ancient Rome. James came to call it the Chapel of Reflections. The name may have been a bit pompous, yes, but he figured he had the right to be as pompous as he wanted to be in his own head. He discovered there were a few differences in his creation, however, as he toyed with it over the following two weeks. For one thing, he could use it during the waking hours or use it as a sort of meditation trance in place of normal sleep. For another, his version allowed him to access memories and control cognitive functions with a level of control on par with most computers. Fight training? Just open a door to his days at the neighborhood dojo. Survival skills? Take the door to his good old days of outdoor training with the Eagle Scouts.

Unfortunately, these memories were only able to take him so far. Wilderness survival training didn’t help much in a wilderness with plants and wildlife that were unrecognizable. Martial arts training didn’t help much either when he didn’t manage to complete it in the first place after moving from that town. James had to find a way to supplement what he had, but he was understandably reluctant to turn back to the potion again. After some experimenting, the meditation kind not the randomly chugging dangerous magic concoctions kind, he came up with what he affectionately called ‘the office.’

As well as having some access to auditory information played through the imagined radio, which was how he heard the ‘monkey hermit’ comment, the bookshelf represented his slight modification with short term memory. Basically, he would give a cursory glance through books in the waking world, imprinting the text into his short-term memory before meditating later to access that information via the bookshelf in the construct. With a little tweaking to his time perception, he could go over the information in his mind in greater detail before placing useful knowledge in the ingoing basket to be sorted into other rooms while the rest went to outgoing to be forgotten. With practice, James perfected this technique to the point that weeks of study could be compressed into hours. It wasn’t as efficient as the juice, but it was still faster than mundane means and much safer.

For the following months, James spent his days training and his nights in study and meditation. He also went on regular patrols further and further out of the Glade to build up his magic immunity as suggested by Simon’s note. His study and meditation sharpened his mind and his physical training left him in shape that might have left professional martial artists green with envy. What’s more, between his sharpened senses and faster reflexes, James was even beginning to suspect that his ‘magic immunity exercises’ were altering his physical traits on some deeper level. James was actually surprised at how much he was able to accomplish without having to worry about other people’s opinions.

Of course, even with the strides he made, there were a few remaining issues. One of the more annoying was the residual effects from the misuse of the juice. While his knowledge was mostly sorted with the Chapel of Reflections, there were times when images and sounds might bleed into his mind to form odd hallucinations during waking hours. This wasn’t always an issue, but the timing could be pretty inconveniencing. Example? The last thing someone needs while evading a manticore is getting distracted by the image of President Taft. Who is guzzling martinis. While dancing in a go-go cage. For a long time after the incident, James would wonder what bothered him more: the scarring he received from the predator or having that image burned into his mind.  

Most recently, James rediscovered a problem he suffered from on Earth: socializing. During his college years, he focused so hard on his studies that his social skills took a nose dive. Little secret? Turns out staying on the Dean’s List for years doesn’t count for much if you can’t maintain conversation without sounding like a babbling idiot. Now, after months of exile, what happens on first contact with the outside? How does he make his first impression after months of honing himself into some sort of survivalist, spiritual guru? He greets them by saying “fedora” as they pass out from exhaustion. Honestly, what had been going through his head at the time?!

Unbidden, the sound of static fills the air as the radio behind him replays his earlier thoughts, ‘Oh my gosh! Not only am I meeting Princess ‘ruler of dreams and awkward social moments’ Luna, but Daring Do, too! She’s, like, my childhood hero Indiana Jones packed into a heartwarming MLP character!!! Huh. I wonder what she would look like in a fedora?’ The last had been unconsciously spoken aloud as he stupidly stared at two of his favorite characters in the show.

“Oh, yeah,” James muttered bitterly, “I was mentally squealing like a groupie.” His mental image stood up from the chair and stretched. “Oh, well. There’ll be plenty of opportunity to make a better impression when I’m out of my trance. For the moment though, I think I’ll kill some time in one of my Florida vacation memories.” He started to focus on finding said memory when his efforts were interrupted.

“Hello! Is anypony there!? We require assistance!”

James frowned in confusion. For all of the weird hallucinations he’s seen in the past two months, he was pretty sure that didn’t come from inside his head. James closed his eyes and felt the surroundings shift as he focused on the source of the voice. When James opened his eyes, his mouth twisted into a smirk as the west wing leading to the gym appeared around him. There was an unwelcome guest.

During the early development of the Chapel of Reflections, James had used the gym as a dumping ground for data that took up valuable space: youtube videos, memes, sitcoms, etcetera. One night, however, James made an unpleasant discovery. Not all of the worst monsters were prowling the woods in the waking world. In hindsight, he probably should have expected that when Simon’s note warned him about being near the gates of Tartarus. He was just glad to be lucky enough that the intruder wasn’t used to dealing with humans. The creature’s confusion gave James just enough advantage to shove it out again. Afterward, James took steps to prepare for any more mental break-ins.

Since he didn’t have enough intel on how to keep these things out, he decided the best way to deal with the threat was by riddling their entrance with as many nasty surprises as possible. To that end, he converted the gym into the ‘Gauntlet.’ He wired his mindscape in such a way that any attempts to enter his mind would be redirected through the Gauntlet where the would-be intruder would face a horde of weaponized jiffs and memes. Think the Fraidy Cat kitten is cute and cuddly when it wraps its paws around someone’s hand? Try saying that after adding four hundred pounds of mass and razor-sharp claws.

Instead of heading for the stairway to the Gauntlet, James opted to face the hallway wall to his left that housed a window giving him a bird’s eye view of the chamber below. He chuckled darkly wondering what kind of internet horrors his intruder would face before he looked through the window. His laughter died in his throat and his face blanched, however, as he caught sight of the hapless figure below.

“Oh, fudge my monkey,” he muttered softly.

 ****
“Hello! Is anypony there!? We require assistance!” Silence answered Luna’s plea and she scowled at her surroundings once again.

It was a large chamber with concrete block walls. The floors were smooth wood covered in odd black strips forming circles and boxes. The high ceiling held a number of bell-shaped devices, one of which formed a shaft of light around her. It was the only light shining in the cold, dark space around her.

Luna felt shivers down her spine as she tried to identify her location. At first, she had assumed she slipped into the dreamscape; partially because of the blank in her memories between the freefall and her arrival and partially because of the fact that the room had no doors. That theory fell flat, however, when she started looking closer at her surroundings. The dreamscape was a constantly shifting whirl of dreams, fantasies, and images flowing from countless minds. No matter what she did, the location retained its same form indicating that it came from one source. The implications of that last fact did not bode well.

In her service as the ruler of dreams, Luna had long since learned that strength was not merely measured in physical or magical prowess. The strongest warrior or the most spell savvy unicorn could be reduced to simpering foals within the endless expanse of the dreamscape. Stone crushing hooves and potent magic meant nothing in a realm where the rules were constantly fluctuating. Force of will is what shaped and ruled these planes. The choice weapons were imagination, intelligence and cunning. For all his terrible power and madness during the Chaos Wars, even Discord learned to respect her talents here. During her thousands of years of existence, no creature had matched her in this realm.

Apparently, that was no longer the case.

No matter how she focused, the surroundings maintained their solid form. Even details as minute as the echoes of her hooffalls on the wooden floor and the smell of cleaners in the air, sensations that even the most experienced practitioners of dreaming arts would have struggled to maintain, held firm against her mental prods. Whether this was a trap laid in the dreamscape or an active part of some creature’s mind it required a driven will and keen intellect to form and hold such a construct together. Had that not been enough to rattle Luna, there was also the sheer alien quality in the thoughts that molded this place.

Luna took a deep, calming breath as she fought to maintain her composure. Whatever form of being that kept her here, they would not get the satisfaction of seeing her unnerved. “Whoever rules this realm, we command thee show thyself!” she commanded as she stood with as much majesty as she could muster. “We are the Princess of the Moon and ruler of dreams. We offer one chance to step forward before wrath is delivered upon thee and thine.”

Her threats were interrupted as a thrumming filled the chamber only to give way to a buzz. It was the first sound Luna heard when her own light source activated in this dark place. Something else was here.

The Princess held her regal pose despite the stinging chill that worked its way down her spine. Something lay in wait behind her. It wasn’t that she could hear, smell, or otherwise detect anything with her base senses. Rather, it was a deep primal fear that yelled in her mind of incoming doom and demanded she flee; instincts old as equinekind dating back to the days when dragons and other predators hunted her little ponies for sport.

Luna tried to turn but her body remained frozen. It was as if some irrational fear stopped her in the hopes that refusing to acknowledge the presence behind her would prevent the horrific fate it had in store for her. She drew a rattled breath before forcing herself to turn. Eternity seemed to pass as she slowly turned to face the second shaft of light emitted by one of those bell-shaped devices. The source of her primal fears stood nearly three meters away at the center of that shaft. It was…It…

It was a blob.

Luna blinked and the tension left her body as fear gave way to confusion. The creature sitting within its shaft of light stared at her with blank eyes. It held no other discernable features aside from a thick, red line across the lower diameter of its body.

The Princess shook her head as she tried to regain her composure. “You there. Creature. Is this your dwelling?”

The creature answered with a vacant stare.

Luna fidgeted in discomfort as the stare seemed to unnerve her despite her best efforts. “If another rules this place then bring forth your master that we may have words.”

Once again, the creature only stared.

Luna grinded her teeth in frustration. In all of her centuries of being, nothing seemed to get under her royal skin quite like being ignored. It even led to her banishment. Apparently, a thousand years on the moon did little to curb that peeve. “See here creature, We are Luna, Princess of the Moon! We rule the night and guard over this land of dreamers. We shall not be disrespected by the likes of-”

“IMMA FIRIN MAH LASA!!”

Luna’s mouth opened and closed in shock. She couldn’t tell what shocked her more: the squeaky voice, the bizarre message, or the fact that the red line she saw was a mouth that nearly took up the entire front of the creature’s body when it yelled. “I…beg your pardon?” she asked hesitantly. “What do you mean-AHHHHH!”

She screamed in pain as the creature opened its mouth and spewed a beam of blue light that struck her to the ground. She felt as if the flesh was melting off her bones and fire flowed through her veins. Luna couldn’t begin to guess at how long she writhed in agony before the blue light receded. The smell of singed hair filled the air and her ears rang from the blasting sound of the creature’s attack. She struggled to rise but only managed enough energy to lift her eyelids. The blob dragon had advanced and now stood a mere meter away staring her down with its lifeless eyes.

“IMMA FIRIN MAH LASA!!”

Is this it then? She thought sadly. After surviving Nightmare Moon and returning from millennia-long exile? This is how it all ends? Death by blob dragon!?

The creature opened its mouth and the air once again filled with thunder and blue light. Luna closed her eyes and braced for the end. It didn’t come.

Luna opened her eyes cautiously. Blue light danced around her, but a shadow fell on her as something stood between her and the blob. When the light faded, she saw that her defender was some bipedal figure in dark clothing. It had its back to her and held its arms crossed in front of its face in a defensive gesture. Despite wisps of smoke wafting about its clothing, the figure stood steady between Luna and the creature.

It squatted down, reached backward, and placed its palm on Luna’s side. Her fatigue seemed to fade at the touch and she shakily stood.

“There is a door to our left,” Luna’s savior said quietly, its gaze never leaving the blob, “make a run for it. Don’t look back or ask questions. Just run.”

Luna looked to her left to find that a door did, indeed, appear on one of the formerly blank walls. She looked back at the figure with distrust. “How do We know you are-”

“IMMA FIRIN MAH LASA!!”

“RUN!”

Needing no more persuasion, Luna bolted to the door along with her rescuer as they both narrowly dodged another blast.

“We won’t make it!” Luna panted.

“We will!”

“IMMA FIRIN MAH LASA!!”

Both the alicorn and the biped dove through the door as it shut behind them. A muted boom could be heard as the door rattled but held strong. Luna wheezed as she fought to concentrate her will in order to dispel the remaining weariness imposed by the surrounding illusions and heard her new companion doing the same. She took this moment to look around at the new room.

It was a small, rectangular space that seemed equipped as a kitchen area. A counter sat in the center with various mixers, utensils, and ingredients. Luna started when she noticed another biped standing at the opposite end of the counter wearing semi-formal clothing with an apron tied a crossed his front as he sharpened a cooking knife. He seemed older than the one beside her, what with the thinning, grey hair on his scalp and wrinkled skin. The creature in question looked up from his knife sharpening and gently smiled at the newly arrived pair. Luna might have thought the smile fatherly in most cases but something about this one seemed…off somehow.

“Ah, good evening, James. Are we having another guest for dinner?”

“No, Anthony. We are most certainly not,” the one beside her, now known as James, said coldly. “We are going to talk and then she leaves. Nothing more.”

Anthony briefly frowned in disappointment, but his smile picked up again. “Ah, well. I had been hoping to try out my new recipes with horse. Radish. Horseradish. Do forgive me,” he said with a polite nod to Luna, “I have a slight speech impediment. Sometimes it’s best to simply ignore me.”

Luna returned a polite nod but watched the old one warily as he went back to sharpening his knife. He seemed pleasant enough, but something about him bothered her. She might have simply dismissed the feeling as a false alarm brought on by the alien surroundings if it weren’t for the fact that that line of thinking put her at the mercies of a vacant-eyed blob.

A door opposite their entry opened causing Luna to jump. “Don’t’ mind Anthony. He is just a secondary defense. He won’t try anything while I am here,” James said, waving a dismissive hand as he strode to the side of the door and motioned for her to follow. “Now, considering your less than pleasant entrance, I move we take our discussion somewhere comfortable.”

“Nay, dark one,” Luna said curtly as she looked at him in distrust, “not until you tell us who you are and your reasons for holding us here.”

James’ expression stayed neutral aside from a raised eyebrow. “Well, I suppose it’s only fair to give introductions first.” He bowed forward slightly, almost mockingly, while maintaining eye contact. “You may call me James. I am a human and the humble owner of this twisted little mind you are currently traipsing around and you are none other than Princess Luna, ruler of dreams.”

“And how would you know that?” Luna asked suspiciously. She vaguely remembered myths speaking of creatures called humans but, assuming anything he said was true, he surely would have no way of recognizing her. After all, Equestria had never seen the likes of…

“I heard you yelling it out as I made my way to help you. Honestly, I would be surprised if that yell didn’t reach someone in the outside world. I can still feel a ringing in my head from it,” He said dryly, seeming to note the embarrassed grimace that crossed Luna’s face. “As for why you are here? I was actually planning to ask you that myself. That room outside,” he motioned to the deathtrap they just escaped, “doesn’t actively pull others in. It only locks in those that try to make their way into my mind.” Luna’s guide leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed. “Maybe, instead of looking to accuse the guy who just saved you, you should consider thinking back on what you remember leading to your arrival?”

Luna stared at James with distrust before reluctantly giving in to his reasoning and closing her eyes as she focused on remembering. What had happened? First there was the hazy flight. Then there was the magic strike. Then her last moments of consciousness before she fell when she tried…

“A mist beacon,” Luna sighed tiredly. She looked up in time to notice James’ confused look and elaborated, “A mist beacon is a form of distress call that I can send to my sister. Essentially, on the odd chance my body is taxed to its limit, I enter a form of torpor that sends my spirit along the dreamscape until it touches a suitable mind.”

“So what?” James asked doubtfully, “You just float around in dreamland until you find a sleeping mind to jump in? Doesn’t that sound a little risky? What’s to stop you from landing in a dozing dragon or toddler’s daydream or something?”

“We said a suitable mind,” Luna snapped back, “the spell specifically searches for a mind based on preset stipulations. Notably, those most matching with our sister: Princess Celestia.”

“Okay, hang on a sec,” James said with a barked laugh and placed one hand on his chest, “are you saying I match with your sister?! Either your spell backfired or you have a seriously dysfunctional family.”

“Our spell worked flawlessly and our family is perfectly respectable!” Luna said in an indignant huff. Well, mostly respectable, she thought self-consciously as her banishment came to mind. And the Chaos Wars. And the fight against Sombra. She glared at the surrounding construct before continuing, “While my sister does not mold the dreamscape as I do, she possesses a level of lucidity and control in her unconscious mind that no living being we knew of possessed,” Luna frowned as she took in James’ raised eyebrow, “none that we knew of until now, at least. Some of the greatest scholars of equinekind tried and failed to form their mind in as complex a structure as yours.

“And on the subject of mental structures,” Luna said in an accusatory tone, “you claim that yon trap was not intended for us, yet what else would you expect to enter your mind?”

“A succubus,” James replied easily. He took in Luna’s wide eyes with a smirk before he went on, “I had a nasty run in some time ago and survived through sheer luck that she was confused after having only dealt with stallions before running into one of my kind. Afterward, I prepared that defense in case she, or anything else for that matter, made another attempt. She tried later but found a few little surprises that left her screaming before she fled. Not,” James’ glared at Luna’s shocked expression, “not remotely what I meant.”

The Princess covered her muzzle with a hoof as she coughed, trying to hide the faint blush that came to her cheeks. “If that is the case, then we apologize for the intrusion and ask that you release us. Our sister will be worried and-”

“Yeah. About that?” James said hesitantly. He rubbed the back of his neck in what Luna could only guess was a gesture of embarrassment before he spoke again, “We may both be stuck here for a while.”

“Stuck,” Luna said slowly as if trying to be sure she heard correctly, “in your own mind?”

“Now, hang on a sec,” James said quickly, raising his hands in a placating manner as he stood straight, “there is a good reason. Back in the waking world there was a…scuffle. I found a pegasus dragging your unconscious body as she was surrounded by Timberwolves. I was able to help the two of you get away and to safety, but it took a lot out of me. I had to use a forced trance of my own to recover my strength. During these types of trances, I can’t even leave on my own so the only thing we can do is wait for it to take its course. Afterward, I’ll gladly do what I can help the two of you get out of these woods.”

“I do not know of this pegasus you speak of,” Luna spoke thoughtfully, “but I can find no reason to doubt your word. Even so,” she looked at James uncertainly, “what do we do until your trance wanes?”

James motioned for her to follow and turned to enter the room he tried to get her into earlier. Still unsure of what to think of James, but lacking any real reason to argue, she followed. The room they entered seemed to be a lounge of some sort. The floor was lined with blue carpet and the walls were made of white painted, concrete blocks. An overhead light source lit the area, revealing a coffee table with two chairs on either side. As James took a seat he waved at the chair opposite his and it stretched and morphed to fit Luna’s build. “Since we have time to kill? Why not spend it talking and getting to know each other a bit better?” With another wave of his hands, teacups appeared in front of both chairs and an herbal smell filled the air.

Once again, Luna hesitated as she tried to consider any possible traps. Unable to find any, she shrugged uncomfortably and took the seat set for her. She lifted her cup, glancing at her host over its edge, and gestured toward him in a sort of toast. Well, she thought dryly, here is to being diplomatic.
 

> Ch4: Perchance to Dream [unedited]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

James felt like he might lose his lunch at any moment. Or at least as much as one could as a mentally constructed illusion.

James had just saved Princess Luna, Princess of the Moon, protector of Dreamers, and one of his favorite ponies from the show. Anyone in his shoes would be stoked to be here right? Well, he wasn’t anyone. All he could think about how their first meeting went south and whether she was going to send him to the moon afterward. 

For starters, the threat he had to save her from was a deranged thought process from his own mind. Afterwards, a mental image of Anthony Hopkins issued a thinly veiled threat to eat her before James’ own mouth shot off as he tried come up with something intelligent to say. Then there was that little half-bow he gave her that she probably thought he was mocking her with when he was actually having an internal fight about protocol. Seriously, at what point was a bow respectful and when was it idol worship? Kind of hard to pick when the one you’re talking to a force of nature personified. And what could be worse than having these thoughts bounce around in his head while talking to someone? Having them bounce around while said someone was literally inside his head.

It was taking all of his concentration to keep these worries and thoughts bound in other sections of his mind while keeping them from appearing in the ‘lounge’ he and Luna used now. As a result, they had spent the last ten minutes, at least as they perceived time in here, in silence as he did nothing but stare ahead. Sadly, in spite of his best efforts, the good old juice side effects picked then to pull another prank. 

James had to really fight to keep his attention on Luna instead of the reappearing image of Taft behind her; this time, wearing a hula outfit. James didn’t want Luna alerted to any more signs of potential instability so, instead of speaking aloud, he sent a message along the fabric of his mindscape around Luna to the Taft construct. Alright, listen up and listen good. I don’t care if you do have the form of one my country’s leaders. You will get your pudgy, inappropriately covered rear back into my subconscious NOW or, so help me, I will toss it in with the rest of the junk in the Gauntlet.  

The Taft lookalike raised an eyebrow as he took a long drink from his Italian soda and transmitted a bundle of sensations that vaguely translated to, ‘Hey! I’m just a messenger. Take it up with the kid that sent me here.’

James closed his eyes a moment to calm himself before addressing him again.  I don’t care how much pull he seems to have over the rest of you. I rule here, not him! He’s just as much a part of my mind as you and he will behave himself…or else. You can tell him that when you meet him. Taft bowed deferentially as he faded from his spot behind Luna.

James opened his eyes again to see Luna staring at him with an intent expression. Good grief! She probably thinks I’m a complete moron or something, he thought glumly.




**** 


He’s a tactical genius! Luna thought grudgingly as she regarded her host with a neutral expression.

While she couldn’t sense any falsehood in his claim that her prior altercation was accidental, that didn’t seem to stop him from probing and testing her. Not that Luna could blame him for it of course. After all, despite her good intentions, she trespassed into the deepest, most sacred corners of his consciousness. It was the sheer skill of his probing that boggled her mind.

First there were his dream skills. His phantom butler presented an odd mystery with his unassuming visage and vaguely threatening aura. And the room they used now? No amount of prodding seemed to hinder the illusion or reveal any flaws. From the stable structure of the room to the fine details of the tea, she could have easily believed they were somewhere in the waking world. To have something so detailed as taste and smell in tea! No matter how skilled somepony, or someone in this case, was with optical illusion it wasn’t possible to make another mind feel such ingrained and specific details such as smell, taste or tactile information. That had to be borrowed from past experience.

It took all of Luna’s discipline to keep her expression blank as that last point brought up a very disturbing thought. The sensations she felt at the blob dragon’s attack; the burning flesh, the flaring pain throughout her body. That had to come from existing experience. What kind of life would one live to collect such horrid experiences?

If this mental fortitude wasn’t intimidating enough, his shrewd, political tactics were terrifying! After he had to ‘hold back’ the mysterious butler guardian he proceeded to tear at her composure through snark and cutting remarks. He even tossed in a subtle bite through his little half bow and dry glance; not openly mocking but just enough insolence for the gesture to leave a sting. In his latest stroke, he made the ever so cordial offer of civilized conversation over tea, only to have her stew in silence under his cold, if moderately civil, scrutiny. If she hadn’t known better, she might have thought he had been trained by Tia herself. 

Luna considered all the she had observed in the human during their interactions thus far. He obviously possessed a strong will. He didn’t initiate hostility, at least not intentionally if his claim of the Gauntlet’s nature was to be believed, but was ruthless and cunning in dealing with potential threats. His skill with reading and manipulating others hinted that he grew up, where ever he came from, in an environment steeped in political intrigue that made Canterlot seem a foal’s playground. Most notably, he was no stranger to pain. All of these qualities made for a being that was not to be underestimated.

The question now is, would he prove friend or foe?

In either case, Luna wasn’t going to learn anything by sitting here and squirming under his gaze. She would have to be the one to break the silence. But how? Tia had taught her that making the first move often meant having the least margin for error. The first question she asked could decide the entire tide of their verbal battle. It would have to be probing. It would have to be clever. But above all, she would have to be subtle.

“So, dost thou come here often?”

The silence quickly went from tense to awkward as the ridiculous query hung in the air. Oh,dear Faust! Did I really just ask him that question those younger ponies ask when courting in those modern clubs!?! She berated herself silently. Maybe he won’t take the opening to-? 

Her hopes were dashed when the human raised an eyebrow. “My apologies Princess. If I knew this is the direction our talk would go I might have arranged for slightly stronger drinks and some candle light.”

Luna snorted in barely contained annoyance before taking a breath and calming herself. “Thou knowst, I mean, you know very well what was meant. There is no record of creatures with your description and I know the mental processes of this world’s inhabitants, ponies and otherwise, to know you are not from here. How did you come to be in this world?”

“I have no idea.”

After all of the intrigue, the blunt admission caught Luna off guard. “You…do not know? Truly?”

James nodded slightly. “As you said, I don’t come from this world. Everything I’ve seen out there,” James vaguely waved to indicate the waking world, “would’ve been myth in my world. I might’ve even thought this was all a hallucination if not for the sheer length and consistency of my time here. As for how?” He shook his head. “One day, I was in a tourist town on vacation with my family. The next? I wake up in the middle of a forest full of monstrosities, animals and plants both, trying to eat me. Everything in between is a complete blank.”

Luna could detect no falsehood. Every word he spoke was true and she could even notice a crack in his defenses as his eyes tightened at the mention of his family. She looked down and sighed. Her behavior was not unlike the distrust many ponies directed at her. “Forgive me. You have shown exceptional kindness despite personal loss…and my less than gracious behavior.”

“No need,” James said, waving a hand dismissively, “you’re a princess. It’s part of your job to be suspicious of anything outside of your kingdom and potentially dangerous. It’s also kind of my job to show kindness to others, so no need to thank me either.”

“Part of your…?” Luna tilted her head curiously. “What sort of profession has a requirement such as that?” 

“I’m a chaplain.”

“A what?”

“Well it’s…How to explain? Hhmm” James put a hand to his chin and frowned as he thought. “Have you ever had priests of some sort? Someone, er, somepony that represented a religion, taught its tenets, and performed rites pertaining to it?” Luna nodded and he continued, “Well, basically, a chaplain is the same thing. The difference is, while a priest does their work in a big temple, chaplains do their work traveling or being posted in locations where people don’t have the luxury of having time to visit such temples.”

“I see,” Luna said uncertainly, “and…what exactly is your religion?”

“It’s called Christianity,” James shrugged, “I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s basically centered around these things: First, we follow the example of one called the Christ, our God who took mortal form.”

“He took a mortal form? For what purpose?”

“Well, basically to spend his life being an example to us on how to live in peace and performing miracles to help mortals in sorrow,” Luna smiled fondly and nodded at this before James finished his first reason, “and then he was tortured to death.”

Luna nodded absently before the words caught up with her and her eyes widened in horror. “WHAT!?! FOR WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD THAT BE NECESSARY!?!”

“Well, we are taught from a young age that my people’s furthest ancestors committed a sin; One that all of their descendants would be doomed to pay and suffer for in this life and the next. Our only hope was a prophecy that stated we would be free when one who was devoid of sin would willingly give their life for the rest. In the end, who else could possibly match that but a God? To that end he came to our level, taught us a new way, and then paid the price for our redemption. It is for this reason that my people are dedicated to him.” 

Luna sat there in silence as she tried to take that in. What sin could have been committed that warranted such a cost? And to willingly pay it? Celestia had always loved and worked hard for their little ponies but could she have managed to go this far? Could Luna?

Those questions boggled Luna so much that she nearly missed out as James continued with his explanation, “A second part of my faith comes from this,” he waved a hand and a thick book with a cross on its cover appeared, “it is a collection of scriptures that acts as a history for our faith as well as a large number of tenets that we use to guide our lives. To put it simply, all of it tends to focus around one simple rule; Love thy neighbor as a brother and thy brother as a friend.”

“Well, based on the effort you have expended to help a stranger and the tolerance you’ve shown one who trespassed into your very mind,” Luna said warmly, “I would say you’ve stayed true to your belief. Your order would be proud if they could see you.”

“Well, they might be. Or they might want to have me hauled to prison.”

It took much of Luna’s practiced court skills to keep from facehoofing then and there. Were all humans this frustrating?! First it’s peace talk, then it’s death and torture. First he’s noble, then he is apparently a wanted criminal. Admittedly, the death and torture bit was done in honorable self-sacrifice so there may be something to this ‘prison’ comment. Or it may just be another elaborate test of sorts. In any event, her best course of action was to play along. “And why would that be?”

“For impersonating a member of the clergy. I was never officially recognized, so I’d likely be tracked down, denounced as a fraud, and jailed and/or fined into oblivion.”

“…It’s likely a pointless question but, with those kinds of consequences, I am compelled to ask ‘why?’” 

“Oh, goodie the dreaded ‘why’ question,” he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands pressed together as his face formed into a thoughtful, slightly irritated frown, “the wisest, vaguest, and most bothersome question ever to be asked and used as a bane to sane minds everywhere.” He closed his eyes and seemed to focus on gathering his thoughts as Luna silently debated on whether or not she had just been insulted. 

Before she could decide, James started speaking, “Well, before my little trip to the magical land of Oz-”

“Equestria.”

“Nuance,” James muttered absently, “I was actually looking into training to be a chaplain but, interestingly enough, that sort of plan tends to fall through after getting thrown into another world. Looking back, though, I honestly can’t say I’m sure whether their opinion would’ve mattered that much to me anyway as I was beginning to question my faith in it anyway.”

“Wait. If you doubted your faith, why did you decide to go for priesthood in it?”

“They’re snazzy dressers?” he managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds under Luna’s aggravated glare before he guffawed. “Okay, seriously, it wasn’t my faith in God and Christianity in doubt as much as in other people in general.” He took in the Princess’s confused stare before shrugging uncomfortably. “Well, let’s just say they did some things that didn’t sit well with me and leave it at that for now.

“Anyway, as to why I chose the self-taught route while in a strange world? Being marooned in the middle of nowhere by yourself tends to require something to focus on to take the edge off of the experience. There wasn’t much else I was that passionate about and, while a lot of my duties are null in void without others around, I figured there were worse things I could do besides devoting time to God.” He looked to the side then shrugged and added, “Besides, I’m in another world. Even if they did know, what would they do? Say hurtful words about me and hope that I’ll hear them from here?”

“Then for the sake of better understanding,” Luna said quietly as she ignored the sarcasm, “can you explain your duties priest?”

“Sure. Just bear in mind that, for the sake of brevity, this is going to be a much abbreviated explanation sticking to the basics.” He waited for a nod from Luna before continuing. 

“Well, firstly, we do what all Christians are called to do and spread the message of God to others. Specifically, other humans as that was the only intelligent race mentioned in the scriptures and known of in my world.” He looked over to take in Luna’s wide-eyed stare and nodded as he went on, “yeah, pretty sure he didn’t have any plans regarding you and/or other worlds when the gospels were written. So, unless I find other humans or he sends some kind of really obvious sign, it’s probably best I make no assumptions on any plans he may or may not have and put the ‘looking for sinners to save’ mission on hold.

“Next, we act as teachers. Whenever members of the Faith, new and old alike, have questions about the finer points in the tenets, need reminding about the basics, or just have some confusion that needs a confident guide to clear up they come to us for the answers. If they don’t have any questions, then we go on sort of a routine lecture that’s aimed at keeping them focused on living as Christians are meant to.

“And lastly, we act as counselors. Whenever someone has doubts, fears, or disturbed consciences they come to us. By drawing on our knowledge of scripture and personal experiences we work to comfort and guide them as best we can. And if we don’t have all the answers, or they feel the answers we give doesn’t help, then we at least help by offering a willing ear they can tell their worries to without fear of judgment. This last duty is different from the rest of the job as we are expected to perform it for anyone regardless of whether they are believers. In fact, it’s probably the one duty I can do in this world that isn’t dependent on belief, station, or species.”  

“What do you mean by ‘disturbed consciences’?”

“About what you would expect,” James said casually. “In a faith focused on improvement oneself from a sinful nature, it’s kind of a given that we’re going to make mistakes and need forgiveness along the way. Some have interpreted this part differently but, as I see it, people come to us to admit their sins, learn how to correct them, and be assured that they will be forgiven. It’s not that we have any say in whether God forgives or not so much as it helps others to hear a verbal confirmation that they are heading in the right direction. As for what sins are covered? Pretty much anything from stealing out of the cookie jar to murder.”

“Murder!?!” Luna yelped. “Do you mean to say that if somepony came to you with tears in their eyes and apologies on their tongue, you would simply say ‘all is forgiven’ and leave it at that!?! You would keep silent even if there were no way to know their intent afterward?” Luna ranted in outrage. “There is being forgiving and there is sheer recklessness! To simply keep quiet and-”

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” James broke in sternly, “there is a difference between forgiveness and a pardon. Any that come to me with that kind of confession would be told up front that I’ll keep confidential with the understanding that they would answer to the consequences of their actions. I’ll gladly hear them out and won’t go shouting what they did from the mountain tops if they come trying to get their life in order trusting them to do what is right. However, if the authorities come knocking because that same confessor is actively running to avoid facing what they did? Then I’ll consider that trust broken and all bets are off.”

“So you claim that, as long as they answered honorably for their actions and acted with integrity, you would provide comfort and guidance to any who came asking? With no judgment or prejudice what so ever?”

To his credit, the human considered his answer carefully before looking Luna in the eye. “Honestly? There might be something out there that would make it a struggle for me to keep cool. Even so, yes I would do my best to keep impartial and provide the benefit of the doubt.”

Luna snorted contemptuously. “Tis that simple then? Any monster that comes to your doorstep and you’ll just listen without a single scornful word? If some monster that committed genocide, razed towns, or betrayed her own country came asking for advice or comfort you would just give it?!”
The human showed no irritation at Luna’s comments. All he did was tilt his head and look at her curiously. “That…seems oddly specific, Princess. Are we still talking hypotheticals or should I get situated to offer a session?” 

Luna’s eyes widened. “You! You dare?!” She stood and stomped her hoof in outrage. “I am not going to sit here while some vagabond speaks as if I he knows everything about me!” She glared at the human and snorted, daring him to speak. All he did, however, was stare back calmly as if she still hadn't spoken . “Well, you do not! I am Princess Luna! A sovereign and protector of Equestria! Everything, EVERYTHING I have done has been for the greater good!” Aside from the Nightmare of course. The fact that the gap in her memory made it hard to know whether it was her choice to begin with didn’t offer any comfort. “I have a sister who loves me and a number of friends that trust and respect me.” A sister that may never fully trust her again and the number of friends still remained in the single digits. She was vaguely aware of something warm streaming down her cheeks and matting her fur. “I am NOT something to be pitied and I am NOT a M-Monster. I-” Luna’s rant was interrupted as she hiccupped. She tried demand the conversation be dismissed but all that came out was a pained whisper. “I am not a monster. I am not a monster.” Over and over she repeated the denial as if it were some soul-saving mantra. She hated everything about this moment. She hated showing weakness in front of this stranger. She hated that she felt she had to defend herself. Above all, she hated how those denials sounded more like she was trying to convince herself of their truth. 

Luna’s tears stopped and her body stiffened as she felt something wrap around her shoulders. Her eyes shot open and she saw that James had crossed the threshold and knelt in down to gently hug her. “You are right, Princess. You are not someone to be pitied or seen as a monster. You are someone that has been hurt and needs to talk about it. You are also right that I don’t know anything about the mare in front of me,” James leaned back to look into Luna’s eyes. She could see no trace of mockery or pity in his gaze. There was only kindness and concern. “Even so, I would very much like to find out. And if I don’t have any answers? You would be surprised how therapeutic a willing ear can be,” he waved his hands at the surroundings, “and if it helps, you have my word that nothing said will leave this place.”

Luna stared into James’ eyes and could see no hint of deception or malice in them. She wanted to brush aside his concerns. She wanted to say she was fine, that she only suffered a minor lapse in judgment brought on by stress. She wanted to point out how ridiculous it was to think she would spill her deepest secrets into some stranger’s mind.  She opened her mouth to say as much but instead whispered, “My name is Luna Selene and…I have done terrible things.”

That soft declaration seemed to open the flood gates as past regrets and doubts tumbled from her mouth. She spoke of assassinations and black ops she had carried out in various conflicts while her sister fought honorably on the battle field. She went on about whole species that had gone extinct, some at Discord’s claws and some at her hooves, during the Chaos Wars. Luna had expected to see James stare at her in revulsion or scorn her for the crimes she listed but he never once showed a hint of disdain. There was not even a flinch. He simply watched her with that unchanging gaze of compassion and understanding that pushed her to keep going. She went on to describe the founding of Everfree City and its inevitable destruction during her rampage as Nightmare Moon. She described her fears about the four month gap and how she worried whether Nightmare Moon was an outside force or just a part of her waiting to rear its ugly head again to take away what little she had now. Her last coherent words spoke of how she suspected Celestia’s insistence on leaving the matter alone actually hid the fact that her trust was only skin deep. Luna finally ran out of confessions breaking down to tears and shuttering as James went back to holding her. 

After the tears dried and her shuttering stopped, James pulled back to wipe her tears with a hand and watched her carefully. “So. How are you feeling now?”

Luna took a couple of breaths before answering. “I…I am not sure. A bit hollow, truth be told.”

“That’s not surprising, especially with all that you had to get off your chest. Think of it as a clean slate for you to start over from. I might even have a few ideas for you. If you would be willing to hear a few suggestions?” Luna hesitated a moment before nodding her assent for him to continue. “I’m not sure how much, if anything, you know about my people, but one thing has been fairly consistent: war. Our history has been riddled with it and we’ve learned one thing for sure. No matter what good intentions may have been behind it, war itself is an abomination. The only ‘honor’ we’ve found it to have is in protecting what you love and ending said war as quickly and bloodlessly as possible. Yes, your sister may have acted ‘honorably’ in battle, but each and every battle cost the lives of countless soldiers on both sides. Soldiers that likely left behind loved ones that felt that loss long afterward. Your missions targeted specific individuals, likely those responsible for starting the conflict in the first place, and prevented many more ‘honorable’ battles where large losses would have continued.

“As for those lost species? As I said earlier, war is an abomination. Something bad is always going to come out of it no matter how hard you try to change it. These Chaos Wars are just a whole other level of abomination. They sound just as bad, heck maybe worse, than a nuclear holocaust and you still managed to keep this world from falling apart. That is quite a feat in itself.”

“Those are…certainly points I had never thought have before,” Luna frowned in confusion as she continued, “however, I am not familiar with this ‘Nuclear Holocaust’ term. Pray tell, what is it?”

The human sat there, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before finally sighing. “Let’s just say it’s one of those subjects that are best left undiscovered. 

“Anyway, next point. You’re worried that your sister’s lack of discussion on the Nightmare Moon incident shows that she still doesn’t trust you. Did it ever occur to you that she hasn’t spoken about it because she considers it her failing rather than yours?”

“Hers? That-” Luna shook her head “-that makes no sense! I was the one that rebelled and endangered everypony. She merely did what she had to.”

“Doesn’t mean she’ll see it that way. This actually reminds me about fights I’ve had with my little brother.”

“You both fought a civil war that threatened the safety of your world?”

James leveled a flat look at Luna. “…no. Not so much. There tended to be a lot of fights because of misunderstandings from our differences. I was cautious and took things slowly while he was ambitious and waited for no one. I always worried about others’ opinions while he wouldn’t hesitate to stomp those opinions underfoot with some blunt criticism. Our differences tended to send us at each other’s throats more often than not. Even so,” his eyes tightened before he closed them, took a calming breath and continued, “even so, we were still family and always stood up for each other when it counted. In fact, the one thing that hurt me worse than any insult or put down he sent my way was when he got in trouble that could’ve been prevented if he just came to me for help. Mostly, because it left me wondering what I did wrong and why he didn’t trust me.”

“But what if,” Luna looked down and bit her lower lip nervously. “We are both heads of state and she has even more duties than I. What if she can’t find the time?”

“Make the time,” James cut in. “With something like this bothering you, you can’t just ignore it and hope it goes away. That’s likely a big reason for the Nightmare Moon incident anyway. You’ll just have to be upfront. And if causes an argument? Big deal. One of the things that make family special is that they won’t let any argument or insult keep them from being there when you need it.”

Luna opened her mouth to dispute his overly simplistic suggestion but promptly closed it again when she couldn’t bring a good counterargument to mind. A thoughtful frown formed as she closed her eyes and bowed her head. Something about this conversation, this creature, seems oddly familiar. It almost reminds her of…

“And what’s that smile about, Princess?”

She hadn’t even realized she was smiling. Yet, at what came to mind, she couldn’t seem to stop as she opened her eyes and looked back to James. “You. You remind me of a pony long gone.”

“Oh?”

“He was the last royal advisor that my sister and I had ever had in court. He was sharp tongued and cynical. He was quite an irascible old coot who rarely respected anypony or anything that didn’t meet his ridiculously high standards.”

“I feel so flattered. Please try not to give me too big a head here,” James said flatly.

“The old goat was always something of an insufferable know-it-all that never gave a moment’s peace to anypony he deemed mistaken or in need of improvement.”

“Seriously, Princess. You can stop aaaanytime now.”  

“And there was never a dearer friend in my or my sister’s long lives.”

Silence stretched as Luna sat there with a nostalgic smile on her face. Eventually, James raised an eyebrow. “Well, come on. You can’t just decide to listen to me and stop when the story gets good.”

For the first time since tumbling into this stranger’s mind, perhaps since Nightmare Night, Luna’s heart lightened at his snark. She even had to put a hoof up and stifle a giggle. “As annoying as his sharp tongue could be, it also comforted the two of us as it proved that he saw the ponies beneath the power, titles, and crowns. Ponies who made mistakes, suffered insecurities, and needed support. He was ready to bring us back down to Equis when the position threatened to go to our heads and always stood ready in private to comfort us and witness our tears when our hearts grew heavy,” new tears, this time of remembrance of better days, flowed down her cheeks, “and for all that know-it-all attitude, my sister and I never saw such wisdom and insight in all of our time in this world as we did during the short life of that crazy old unicorn. We could never bring ourselves to appoint a new advisor since his death. We knew there would never be another soul like Starswirl.” Luna sighed then looked at James with faint smile. “I think I can safely say, though, that I have met one good soul that could rival his.”

James stared neutrally at Luna before he finally returned her smile with one of his own. “Then I guess I can say I’m in good company then.” The comment seemed to banish the remaining trace of tension and both figures sat in contentment. After a few minutes enjoying the sensation of their illusionary tea room, James planted his hands on his knees and stood with a sigh. “Well, I guess that’s enough sharing for one evening. We should probably see about getting you back to your subjects.”

“I take it your meditation is finished?”

“Actually,” James drew out the word as if debating the prudence in revealing what he was about to say, “we’ve been ready to leave since the ‘Nightmare Moon’ segment of your little cry fest.”

“…what?”

“I considered interrupting you so we could be on our way. However, it was obvious you needed to blow some steam.” James thought for a moment then shrugged. “If we stopped, you likely would have bottled it up until you blew up on something small later. Really, it was for your own good.”

A scowl came over Luna’s features and her left eye twitched a couple of times. She opened her mouth then closed abruptly as she inhaled a calming breath. The scowl faded into a calm smile as she exhaled. “You are right. This has been a long time coming.” She opened her eyes and her smile turned wry. “And I was equally right when I recognized you as an insufferable know-it-all.”

James cried out in mock hurt and put a hand to his chest. “Princess! You wound me so! It’s not easy being right all of the time.” He posed and put the back of his hand to his forehead to add emphasis causing Luna to giggle. He laughed along with her as he dropped the pose. “Joking aside though, we probably need to get started on getting you home. I’d wager your sister and the rest of the country will be starting to freak out after you’ve been gone so long. Besides-” James paused as a smirk formed on his lips “-there’s a pegasus mare in need of a good pranking.”


**** 



Okay, careful Daring, the explorer thought to herself, Just ease in to it. It’s just like all of those temple booby traps. Closer and closer, she worked her way to the mark. Her breath caught in her throat as she thought the wild man’s breathing pattern changed. When it went back to normal she sighed, mindful of the drawing utensil in her mouth, and started making her way forward again. 

Daring Do had spent an hour digging through the hut trying to find something to combat her growing cabin fever as she waited for the McSlashy or the Princess to snap out of their trance thing. After several more disappointments (more blank books, vials of unknown liquids even she wasn’t crazy enough to take a chance with, and some odd rectangle with buttons and a blank window) she stumbled over some ink and a stick stained on the end indicating it had been used for writing. Seeing an opportunity, she made the same rational, responsible, and intelligent decision any explorer would have done in her hooves: she decided to draw doodles on the potentially unstable death monkey.

……Okay, so maaaaybe the boredom was taking over at this point.

Okay, this time for sure. Daring leaned in with the ink stick ready to put a perfectly placed monocle around that beady little eye of his. Closer. Closer. Just…a little…more… 

She was a breath away from succeeding when that hazel eye popped open to give her a glare fierce enough to send the fiends of Tartarus home packing. He roared and Daring squealed screamed as she rolled backwards tumbling into the shelf and bringing an avalanche of books onto her head. She jumped out from the pile into a combat stance ready for anything the human might throw at her…Only to find him still kneeling on his spot on the floor. 

He stared calmly at her taking in her combat stance and fierce glare. He quirked an eyebrow before he finally spoke. “Dangerous business that sneaking around and pranking. Could even be bad for the heart, eh?”

Daring glared at him as she tried to keep her breathing under control and get her heart to stop pounding. “Yeah?! Well…worry about your own heart ya dumb monkey.” Oh sure. What an awesome comeback Daring, she silently berated herself. 

The human seemed in agreement with that thought as he snorted. “Ooooh, such scathing ripostes! Are you always this witty or do you happen to be on a roll?”

Daring snorted and stomped a hoof. “Okay, fine! I’m having an off day. So sue me.”

The human shrugged as he slowly stood up. “Fair enough. Happens to the best of us. I’m James by the way. And you would be Daring Do. Profesional explorer and adventurer.”

“Hey! Just how do you know that?!”

“This little meditation thing I’ve been doing? It’s good for recovery and while I can’t always respond when I’m using it, I can hear a few things.”  

“Uhh. Exactly what kind of ‘things’?” Daring asked cautiously as she remembered a few possibly unwise phrases may have been uttered out of frustration over the past hour. Unwise as in ‘don’t say to a super strong killer wild man.’

James shrugged as he started toward his gear near the shelf. “Oh, little things: ambient noises, snippets of conversation, or even-” he stopped abruptly and rushed toward stopping with an inch left between his face and Daring’s. Before she could do more than widen her eyes in surprise he rambled, “andthefeatherbraingraverobbersayswhat?”

“What? I-! HEY!” Daring yelled and swiped out uselessly with her left hoof only for James to jump back well clear of her range and smirk.

“Well, that’s enough fun for now. We should probably start planning for getting out of this forest. Luna should be waking up now so you might want to see about helping her down while I get my own equipment together.” He turned and walked over to collect his gear without giving Daring as much as a backward glance.

Daring’s mouth hung open a moment before she closed it again and fumed at the cheeky human. How dare he?! Who did he think he was?! She’s Daring Bucking Do, darn it! She huffed and headed up the stairs as she resolved to find a way to get even once she and the Princess were well on their way to safety. It wasn’t until she made it half way up the stair before part of the conversation finally hit her. Hang on. Where does he get off talking so casually about the Princess? Come to think of it, how did he know her name?! Even if he could hear through that weird zen thing, she was pretty sure she never mentioned the Princess’s name.  

> ch5: Never Smile at a Crocodile prt 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since beginning her career in ‘professional exploring,’ Daring Do had experienced life-threatening perils as often as an office pony might experience paper cuts. Like that office pony with the cut, she would simply shrug off each event and move on. Some would question the sanity of any pony that treated death traps and megalomaniacs with that kind of casual attitude but, when it came down to it, you couldn’t freak out at every little thing and expect to survive this business long. At the moment, she would’ve been ecstatic to find herself dangling over another pit of poisonous snakes rather than sitting in this hut.

Daring had made it upstairs in time to see the Princess stumbling out of bed like a drunkard. After offering her a stabilizing hoof and giving hasty introductions, Daring did a quick inventory over injuries that confirmed the Princess wouldn’t be flying or using magic for a while. An unfortunate, though not unexpected, hiccup to any plans of escape. This didn’t bother Daring too much. If anything, she actually preferred leaving magic out of the equation. She dealt with more than enough freaky, ancient voodoo hocus pocus with her day to day work with forbidden artifacts thank you very much. 

What did  bother her though was Luna’s response when trying to present the Princess with a plan to get out of the forest. The Princess waved a dismissive hoof saying, “Tis appreciated that you are thinking that far ahead, Daring. However I think it best we wait until we speak with James and see what he has in mind.” At Daring’s blank stare, the Princess explained that she had already acquainted herself with their host and learned that he could be trusted to guide them out. It involved lots of eloquent recommendations, ye-old speak, and dream symbolism mixed with magic theory. Daring said nothing and betrayed no emotion on her face during the explanation, but the meaning she got out of it went along the lines of, ‘Oh, don’t bother your pretty head with plans. The scary hermit warrior monk downstairs will see to all the little details of our survival. I know he’s good for it because I jumped into his head and had a nice chat over pretend tea. That was after he nearly tore my consciousness, despite my being an ancient god-like being, into little pieces. That was just a little mix up though so it’s all fine and good.’

Needless to say, the spiel did little to put Daring at ease. If anything, she wanted to roll her eyes while telling Ms Sand Mare to keep quiet and let the professionals handle it. Of course there are some things you just don’t say to one of your country’s sovereigns. Especially when, wounded or not, said sovereign could stomp you into a greasy smear. Besides, she couldn’t argue against the fact that this guy did seem to know his way around the forest. She learned a long time ago that, whether you like the source or not, you don’t dismiss that kind of help while stuck in unfamiliar territory. Even with her stubborn refusal to work with partner, she knew only an idiot would do otherwise. 

When they first got down, Luna actually hesitated at her first sight of James as if expecting something else than the hide wearing wild man in front of them. She seemed to lose her confusion after making eye contact with him and, after shrugging her shoulders, she and Daring made their way over to where he sat cross-legged on the in front of a small stone tea set. 

That’s how Daring came to find herself in her current position seated on the floor with the Princess and their ‘host’ around the crude little tea set. Instead of planning as Daring assumed they would be doing they spent the better part of thirty minutes in silence. Luna sat all prim and proper as if at a dinner party but kept sneaking glances over her cup at James like some school filly on a first date. James just…well, honestly, Daring had a really hard time reading that guy. Aside from the occasional twitch from his mouth that may have been the hint of a smile he might as well have been one of the statues from the royal gardens. 

Daring eventually reached her limit of awkward silence for the year. She stomped her left hoof hard enough to make the floor creak and rattle the tea set drawing the attention of the other two hut occupants while accusingly pointing her right hoof at James. “Alright buddy I think it’s time you gave us some answers. Let’s start with ‘just what the heck are you?!’”

Luna stared in shock for a moment before her expression gave way to anger. “How dare you speak to our host in that manner?! He helped us, gave us shelter and-”

“It’s alright Luna,” James interrupted gently before looking toward Daring with the same calm expression he wore the whole time. “Under the circumstances, anyo-er-pony would want to know what they were dealing with. I’m something called a human and-”

“Horseapples.” This got another glare from Luna and a single blink, what Daring assumed to be a sign of surprise, from James. Daring just barreled on, “A human couldn’t pull half the stuff you did with those timber wolves. Not to mention the fact that humans developed in a non-magic environment and would keel over from the exposure to magic in the atmosphere.”

“And just how would you know that?” Luna asked suspiciously with a narrowed glare at Daring. “While we only met today I have done enough reading through royal personnel files to know of you and your work: archeologist, explorer, writer, professor. Biologist, however, was not among your listed professions.”

Daring immediately lost her bluster and started with a stumbling explanation. “W-well you see. Um, that is…” she looked nervously at James then back to Luna and motioned to him helplessly. “Look, Princess, there are state secrets I can’t just say and-”

“I personally vouch for James’ character and integrity. You can say anything here and trust it to be in confidence.”

“My word on it,” James agreed solemnly.

Daring gave one last look between the two before hanging her head and sighing. “Alright fine…In the last few years, just before you came back from your exile,” Daring said with a wave of her hoof toward Luna before continuing, “there were some unexplained instances of humans appearing here and there. It’s been mostly kept under wraps as we still have a lot of questions that we couldn’t answer yet. We never learned how it happened, but when they showed up and came in contact with magic in the atmosphere they…” Daring actually had to come to a stop and swallow at the memory. She continued in a flat voice, “Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.” Luna actually blanched and James slightly grimaced at the implication. Before anyone could speak, Daring pointed an accusatory hoof at James again. “If you were really human then you would have keeled over the moment you found yourself here, especially without anyone around to help!”

“I think we can explain that.” Daring and James both looked toward Luna who now had a pained expression. “First tell me, Daring Do. What do you know of the Everfree Forest’s origin?”

Daring blinked at the question then frowned in thought. “Well as much as anyone in the historian circles; which isn’t all that much. It was pretty much summed up as the last scars left by the end of the Chaos Wars.”

Luna nodded sadly, “Yes that is the truth. At least the parts of it my sister and I allowed to be released.” The Princess took a deep breath and exhaled as she set her cup aside seeming to brace herself to open old wounds. The royal confidence in her face gave way to a haggard expression as she spoke, “After we successfully imprisoned Discord, my sister and I made a terrible discovery. To this day we don’t know whether it was a side effect from the war or a last sick joke left in the event of Discord’s defeat but we discovered that the magic seals on the Tartarus gates were warped and breaking down as they now clashed with the world’s magic. Any attempt to use magic on the seals threatened to break them entirely so we did the next best thing: we purged the area of magic and took measures prevent more from coming in.”

“Wait, hang on. That doesn’t make any sense,” Daring said as she removed her hat and scratched her head in confusion. “There’s magic everywhere in the world and even you and your sister don’t have the power to just make magic stop appearing in any given area. Even if you could, any spell like that would discharge enough magic that the seals would react and collapse on themselves.”

“You are correct. We can’t just make it disappear or shield against it. That only left the option of redirecting it.” 

“The forest,” James muttered. “You made a spell that had the forest and its inhabitants absorb magic as it flowed toward the gates. It was a measure that directed magic away from the gate without actually having to directly affect the gate itself.”

“Aye. At first, the field was only centered on the immediate area of the gate. This succeeded in clearing magic from the gates but came with consequences. Having that much magic flowing into the denizens of that area had far more extreme effects on the life there than we initially expected.” Luna closed her eyes and shuddered as she recalled one of many dark moments in her past. “Trees quickly grew from sprout to tree and fell to rot. Creatures, both prey and predator, were born and died only to be replaced with radically different species as numerous generations passed. We watched in shock as changes that should have occurred over millennia took place in minutes. Despite the spell affecting a small area, that area was churning out horrific forms at a rate that would have spread across Equestria within the year. We came to the horrific realization that in trying to prevent Tartarus’ opening our solution could simply turn the above world into a second Tartarus.

“In a desperate effort to correct our mistake, my sister cut swaths of the accelerated growth with solar strikes as I added new layers to the spell to extend its border. The idea was giving the spell a wider range would mean more targets resulting in a less concentrated flow of magic.”

“Resulting in the Everfree Forest,” Daring finished for Luna. She put a hoof to her chin in recollection before adding, “I seem to remember historians mention an event called ‘The Rain of Lights.’ They said it was a sign of the Chaos Wars’ end. I take it that was actually this little adventure of yours?”

Luna smiled thinly. “They weren’t wrong. We simply didn’t see the point of panicking everypony by mentioning how close to disaster they were at the time. At any rate, the gate was secure. The newly formed Everfree Forest prevented magic from breaking down the seals and even acted as an additional defense with its dangerous wildlife that now lived there. 

“However, despite the relative stability, the Forest still posed new problems. Without magic in the atmosphere keeping balance the forest relied on its inhabitants’ natural born attributes to decide just what was ‘natural’ for its environment. The same went for the weather as the skies no longer responded to ponies’ magic and simply reacted based on whatever environmental patterns happened to form at the time. Add the fact that the magic wasn’t simply absent but directed into the wildlife and plant life increasing the efficiency of their attributes and we couldn’t predict just what changes would occur in the forest”

“So, Darwinism to the umpteenth power eh?” Daring barked a laugh. “I’d wager that provided more than a few security concerns in our land of harmony.”

“Darwinism?” Luna asked unsurely. “I suppose this is a more modern naming for Starswirl’s theory of Magica Absenstia? That, in the absence of magic, nature’s order would break down into the mandate of the strong above the weak?”

“Y-yeah. Somepony decided to refine it a bit after having the Everfree around long enough to put it to the test.” Aside from the slight catch, Daring did a decent job in keeping her voice even. Most of her attention was focused on making sure she didn’t say anything else stupid in front of Luna but Daring could almost swear she saw James’ eyebrows furrow slightly. 

“Indeed? I suppose that’s just one more thing I’ll have to look into when I continue my studies.” Daring inwardly sighed at Luna’s casual acceptance. “To confirm your guess, yes, this did cause a good deal of concern. My sister and I worried that something in this hostile environment could develop and escape into the populace if left unchecked. Along with some of our most loyal and trusted subjects, my sister and I established Equestria’s capital within the Everfree so we could keep an eye on it while still performing our duties. It went well for a time. Until…” Luna trailed off and bit her lip.

“Until the Nightmare Moon incident,” James finished softly.

The look in Luna’s eye forced Daring to turn away. She might not have been annoyed by Luna’s earlier haughty attitude but it just seemed so wrong for such a strong willed pony to look that broken. When she looked back, Daring was glad to see some confidence back in those old eyes. She frowned for a moment as she noticed James giving an encouraging nod. She might not have liked seeing some total stranger apparently having that much influence over the Princess’ mood in such a short time but Daring had to admit he seemed to be helping.

“I can’t remember all of what transpired but my sister says the influx of magic from our fight reacted badly with the present spell and she had to quickly evacuate the citizens to where Canterlot now stands. Several…didn’t survive the exodus.” Luna bowed her head in sorrow before continuing, “My sister pushed herself to her limits trying to maintain the daily duties of the kingdom, tending to the sun and moon, and trying to keep watch on the Everfree. Thankfully, things eventually calmed enough that she was able to delegate watch on the Everfree Forest to others. She told me that, a little over a hundred years ago, she sent some of her best warriors to establish a small outpost on the border. To make sure the citizenry didn’t panic, Celestia had her warriors start the outpost under the guise of a homesteading for them and their families. As time went by and the forest proved relatively quiet, the outpost grew into a small community.”

“The Applefarm and Ponyville,” Daring breathed, her face a look of shocked realization. 

“Aye, the very same,” Luna confirmed with a nod. “As a reward for their steadfast service, those warriors posted there were awarded full ownership of the land and a small stipend to help in tending to any damages that the property may still incur resulting from the Everfree.”

Daring shook her head slowly, “I never would have thought it of those small town ponies. I mean, they may be tougher than most but they don’t exactly strike me as the big bad warrior type.”

“That was the idea, though there was no doubt some loss of warrior traits over the years and generations,” Luna said dryly. “That said, it would be unwise to underestimate any of them. They are far stronger of body and spirit than they may first appear. Those ponies wouldn’t hesitate to fight and lay down their lives for their loved ones. It has,” Luna hesitated and had to take a breath before finishing glumly, “happened before.”

The room fell quiet at the somber implication. Daring cleared her throat loudly in an attempt to ward off the doom and gloom and get back to the original topic, “Well this has been very enlightening but we still haven’t gotten a full answer on how James here survived in Equestria. Even if the center of the forest is free of magic, there is still bound to be some further out. From what I heard in Ponyville he actually ventured out far enough to save a mare that wandered in and I know there would’ve been enough magic to affect him.”

Luna directed a questioning glance to James who nodded and confirmed, “It’s true. I found some poor mare half delirious and snapping her camera at practically anything that moved. I managed to carry her close enough to the border where patrols could pick her up.”

“And where there would have been more than enough magic to kill you,” Daring pointed out. “As I said, there has got to be something else with you because humans can’t survive magic.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” James muttered as he rubbed his thickly bearded chin in thought. “It might not be that magic is complete anathema to human anatomy. Maybe it’s just shock from an abrupt environment change? Maybe we just need time to gradually adjust like with altitude or water depth? When I first got here I couldn’t leave the glade without getting violently sick, true, but each day I ventured out I was able to go a little bit farther before I had to head back.”

Daring blinked owlishly before looking down in thought. “I…never looked at it like that. Now that I think about it my…studies on those incidents showed they first appeared in areas where magic would’ve been pretty thick in the air.”  

Silence hung over the hut until a delicate throat clearing from Luna got James and Daring’s attention. “While I am glad this may allayed your suspicions Daring, we should likely focus on escaping the forest.”

“Escape! Right, yeah, escape important I-” Daring coughed and rubbed her neck awkwardly as she composed herself and turned to Luna. “Right, then. Options. How are things in the magic department, Princess? Think you could do a quick teleport after some rest?”

Luna frowned a moment before tentatively reaching a hoof to her horn. She hissed in pain as a spark arched from horn to hoof. “I fear not, Daring,” she answered as she tried to wave the soreness out of her hoof. “Without healing magic directly applied it will take a good two days bed rest to recover. Unacceptable, as my sister would not sit idly by. She would search and, to minimize time away from the throne, she would have to bring a contingent of guard to sweep the forest.”

“And while Celestia might handle things okay the guard would be put at risk as they came deeper into the forest.” Daring added quietly with a concerned frown. 

“That and teleporting wouldn’t be too healthy for me anyway. I might be able to handle atmospheric magic but I’m not sure I would want to be part of a direct spell and risk getting turned inside out.” The two mares turned surprised stares to James who merely shrugged.  “Hey, I may enjoy a little solitude and currently look like nutty hermit but that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life in the middle of nowhere scrounging for roots with flesh-eating beasts for company.”

Daring smirked and Luna nodded with a small smile before assuring, “Of course. After doing so much for the two of us I won’t simply leave you to be forgotten.”

“Good,” James clapped once before moving on. “With that out of the way, we can focus on getting out of this forest. I propose taking a hiking trail I know of. I can lead.” He looked back and forth between the two mares and frowned as he noticed their disbelieving looks. “What’re those looks for? Luna just said she couldn’t use magic and I know you’re both out of commission in terms of flight.  It might not be ideal but I know these woods well enough to find a safe path and nothing will try to attack so long as you stay close to me.”

“Pfft. Yeah sure,” Daring scoffed. “And how is that going to work out? I’ve seen you can take care of yourself but that doesn’t mean you can take on the whole forest and I can’t see anything less happening with two bandaged up mares as potential targets. You might look scary but definitely not that scary.”

James ignored Daring’s not so subtle jab and looked her in the eye. “From what I’ve seen of you I’d guess this isn’t your first time being shoulder deep in wilderness. In all of your jaunts you might have seen something odd like a brightly colored small animal or plant sticking out in the scenery? Something that looks like it would be an easy meal but the predators wouldn’t touch. Think you could explain why?”

“Well duh,” Daring said rolling her eyes. “They were probably toxic or something and the rest of the critters remember something nasty happening to the last chump that tried to eat them.”

“Exactly. I might have only been here a short while but the creatures here at the forest’s heart are fast learners and they remember me taking on Stumpy when they couldn’t.”

“They can’t be that scared of you. Those Timberwolves didn’t bother running when you showed up to sa-help me and the Princess.” Daring hesitated and quirked an eyebrow before asking, “And just who or what is Stumpy?”

“First off, those earlier Timberwolves were in a killing frenzy. If they weren’t distracted by what they thought was easy prey then they wouldn’t have come near me. And secondly,” for the first time that night, Daring saw what might have been nervousness in the stoic hermit as he hesitated. “Well if we’re lucky and things go smoothly you won’t have to find out. I will say this: He’s big, eats anything that won’t eat him first *mumble*which is basically everything in the forest*mumble*, and tends to hold a grudge.”

Daring was tempted to push for more answers. However, common sense took charge for a change and convinced her to back down as this might be one time she didn’t have to know all the answers. Especially if ‘Stumpy’ was big and bad enough to make this guy uncomfortable. Daring nodded with a sigh, “Okay. I guess we’ll follow your lead on this. What’s our next move?”

“Well, it’s going to be fairly straight forward. First, we’ll take a few hours to rest and-”

“No! We must leave now!” At the exclamation, Daring and James turned to see a distraught Luna standing tall though with a hint of desperation. “The longer we tarry here, the greater chances of my sister and her guards taking an unnecessary risk. I will not wait here while others endanger themselves on my behalf.”

“I understand your concern, Princess. However, Daring did make a good point earlier. As you are now, both of you make tempting targets. We need to lessen that temptation by you showing as little weakness as possible and that won’t happen if you stumble through the forest as you did down that flight of stairs a minute ago. We can afford a few hours rest.” The Princess seemed about to say more before James held his hand up and interrupted. “No, Luna. No sulking. No arguments. You are going to go upstairs to take your nap or I’ll carry you there and put your nose in a corner. Princess of the Moon or not, you’re still in a bad enough way that I could pull it off.”

 Is this guy completely off his rocker?! Daring thought as her eyes widened and watched the two stare each other down; Luna glaring and James staring back patiently as any adult waiting on a foal. If possible, Daring’s eyes widened further at Luna’s reaction. The Princess puffed her cheeks out and exhaled before pouting, glaring down to her left and muttering, “I am a Princess. I do not  sulk!” 

“Good,” James nodded casually as if he didn’t just talk down a Princess and leave her pouting like some kid. “Since a Princess doesn’t sulk then I know I can count on you to make the mature decision. Now go get some rest and I’ll let you know when we are heading out.”

The Princess stood with as much dignity as her injuries would allow and turned to stalk toward and up the stairs. Daring wasn’t sure but she thought she heard the Princess mumble ‘just like that old codger.’ The explorer stared in shock at the stair way before finally nodding slowly. “Okay. I’ll admit it. I’m impressed.” She turned toward James. “Okay, that drama out of the way, what are we going to do next?”

James glanced for a moment then shrugged, “Pretty much what it sounds like. We’re going to rest up, prepare as best we can, then head out and hope we don’t just crash and burn like another Ameila Earhart washout.” He turned and walked to an equipment pile on a heavy, oak work table where he started fiddling with vials without giving a second look back.

Daring blinked slowly then asked in a deceptively calm voice, “Oh? Ameila Earhart? Who might that be?”

“Meh. Just some loony nobody with a chip on her shoulder. I don’t want to bore you.”

“Oh no no. Please go on,” Daring spoke through gritted teeth. “I’m an explorer. I like learning new things. Tell me more about this ‘loony nobody with a chip on her shoulder.’”

James didn’t appear to notice the menace in the explorer’s voice. “Well, if you say so. From what I’ve seen from you and Luna, females in this world have a solid place in society but things were a little different back home. Women had to put up with centuries of being kept at the hearth and not given a say. At best they were treated as something fragile and incapable of being trusted with big decisions. At worst they were treated like lesser beings. Things eventually improved but not before some women stepped up and proved they could do plenty of heavy lifting themselves.”

He paused in his impromptu lecture long enough to study a small vial then set it on the table and picked up another to examine as he continued. “Problem was for every stride forward they made there were always a few obnoxious blowhards that damaged that progress by acting every bit as hair brained as the stereotypes suggested. In Earhart’s case she was a cocky know-it-all that bit off more than she could chew. The crazy rookie got a few lucky flights off, most of which done taking needless risk trying to prove she was a one woman flight crew, and then took a one way trip that got her killed. One more sad example that convinced the more sexist males they were right believing women belonged in a kitchen. Looking back, Earhart would’ve likely turned out better if she stuck with burnt meatloaf and –Oof!?” James grunted as he was tackled to the ground knocking the work table over on the trip down. He opened his eyes to find himself staring back at an incensed pegasus. Daring’s hooves were firmly planted on James chest restricting his movement. Her eyes glared into James’, her ears flickered in agitation, and warm air blew across his face as she angrily snorted little more than an inch away from his face.

“How dare you?” she whispered menacingly. “How dare you?! You arrogant, testosterone drunk, hairy, male chauvinist pig! ‘Lucky flights’ and ‘needless risk?!’ How else was I going to prove I deserved a chance in the sky when most men thought it was beneath them to work with a woman? How would you feel if everyone told you what dreams you were allowed to live out?! How would you feel growing up with parent figures that shook their head over you because you weren’t ‘proper?’ How would-?!” Her tirade halted as she noticed a change in James’ demeanor and frowned. “Just what are you smirking about cave man?”

“Just think about the last few minutes Ms. Earhart,” James suggested calmly. “Think really hard.” 

Daring’s frown changed from pissed to thoughtful as she thought and her eyes widened. She quickly hopped off and stared at James who sat up and regarded her with a smug look. “How…? How did you know?”

“Mostly a lot of little things topped off with one gambit to confirm it all.” James lifted his right hand and started counting off points. “Earlier when you were surprised you said ‘anyone.’ When Luna talked she said anypony. While I could believe you could pick up different habits in travel we usually slip into older habits when upset or surprised. Kind of like when Luna starts using old speech. When you talked about past incidents you spoke with a lot more intensity than someone giving a second hand account. And then there was the Darwinism slip. I might have believed in the concept existing here but the name? In a world with names like ‘Luna’ or ‘Daring Do’ how is Darwin going to come up?

“All of that convinced me of your possible human origins. As for how I guessed Amelia Earhart specifically? Out of all the unexplained disappearances back home only one had a personality that matched what I’ve seen of Daring Do. All that was left was to test for reactions. A random pony, heck even most people back home, wouldn’t react quite so strongly to trash talk about a stranger as they would themselves.”

Daring shook her head slowly. “God, I can’t believe I walked into that. You manipulative bastard,” she muttered half in anger and half in awe. 

James frowned as he stood, brushed himself off and addressed Daring disapprovingly, “I’m a chaplain you know.”

“Call yourself whatever you want you manipulative bastard,” she muttered absently. She looked back up to stare James in the eye and calmly state, “I don’t buy it.” James started to speak before Daring lifted a hoof and interrupted, “No. No don’t try to explain it away. Your explanation was fairly sound but my gut says it was still off. Too…convenient. And I learned a long time ago to trust my instincts over anything too convenient.” She glared suspiciously at James. “I think you know a little more about the human connection to all of this than you let on.”

James put up his hands in placation as he quickly assured, “Hey, it’s like I told Luna. I have no idea how I got here. One minute I was on Earth and the next I woke up here in the Glade.”

Daring tilted her head as she studied the man before her. He acted like a standup guy. He seemed sincere in following his own little chaplain code and didn’t show any signs of lying. But… “Okay, choir boy. You don’t know the how? Maybe I should ask who. As in ‘who do you remember being involved?’”

James blinked and opened and closed his mouth before settling for an elegant, “Aw crap.” Daring lifted an accusing hoof before James put in, “Alright, alright. Look, the only reason I didn’t tell Luna was because I wanted to find out some more information myself before panicking anyone. Anypony. Whatever. All I know is that he owned a shop called Odds and Ends and he mentioned you as a previous ‘customer.’ He had this creepy voodoo, mystic, knows-more-than-he-should vibe to him. Semi tribal look, African decent-”

“Simon,” Daring growled.

“So he still used the same name then? Huh. I didn’t even think that was his real name.”

“That’s the name he used but, between you and me, I don’t think that’s his real name either. But there’s a bigger question here.” Daring put a pondering hoof to her chin. “What is his angle? Why go to the trouble of dropping humans here?”

“Maybe he doesn’t want humans here. Maybe he just wants one.” James mumbled thoughtfully. He noticed the confused look from Daring. “Tell me this Daring. Exactly how did your arrival go? From what you said earlier, I gather you and any other humans that arrived were dropped randomly, suffered from magic shock, then had to survive through,” he motioned at Daring’s general direction before deciding on a proper phrase, “alternative means?”

Daring grimaced. “You could say that. I wasn’t the first so they knew enough to get me away from magic. They took me to a null magic chamber.” She noticed James’ questioning look and elaborated, “It’s a room that works kind of like the trick Celestia and Luna pulled with the Everfree but more sophisticated. As far as I could understand, it worked like a lightning rod protected building; it drew magic away then discharged it elsewhere safely. After talking it out and telling me what happened with previous cases they told me the best they could do was use indirect means (alchemy, surgery and even very minor spells over extended periods) to convert my form to something that could handle magic. My only condition was something that could fly and, well, here I am.” 

“But Simon just dropped you off and left it to the locals? Nothing more?” Daring nodded and James motioned around him. “My trip was completely different. He had a magically sterile house set up. He left step by step instructions on how to work my immunity. All in all he was pretty through about it. I figured he had experience with transporting humans but now… Maybe he didn’t even know for sure. Maybe everything he learned…”

“Was from trial and error,” Daring finished in a horrified whisper. “Tests. We were tests!? That bastard used us as guinea pigs!”

“Tests he was using to find a way to bring a human here unaltered,” James noticed Daring’s incredulous looks between him and his spear before correcting himself, “Well, mostly unaltered.”
“But why?” Daring asked no one in particular as she glared at the floor. “What would he gain?”
“It might not be him per say. I don’t know if he gave you the same song and dance but he told me part of the way he did business was services for third parties.” 

Daring’s looked as if she were going to ask what the point was when her eyes widened in realization. Pony and human sat in silence as new unspoken questions hung in the air. Who was the third party and what did they gain? 

Eventually, James broke the silence. “So…Daring or Amelia?”

Daring blinked then nodded as she realized his meaning. “It’s Daring. I left that life behind a long time ago.”
James nodded and turned back grunted as he put the work table right side up. “Well then, Daring, I suggest you go get some rest too. We’re likely to have an eventful trek ahead of us.”

The explorer nodded in agreement and started to head for the cushion she had earlier. She stopped at the doorway and turned to look back at James as he worked at the table. “So…how much of that was real?” James only stood there and Daring elaborated, “The trash talk. How much was a test and how much was how I’m remembered? You know, back home?”

“I’d be lying if I said at least some people didn’t think some of that. Frankly, I doubt I could name all the different groups and people that had their own take on what message they think your life proved; good or bad.”

“And you? What was your take on it?” In all of her life and death situations she survived she never felt as tense as she did now. She couldn’t understand why though. It’s not like she cared what others said before. Even stranger was how much it seemed to matter coming from a guy she just met. Maybe it was because this was the first time in a long time she talked with someone from home. Maybe Daring worried more about how she was remembered than she originally thought. 

A few minutes passed and Daring started to wonder if she would get an answer before James spoke quietly. “Honestly? I’d say anyone, man or woman, would have to be a little off in the head to try half the stuff you pulled. That said, the moral I see in your life is this: Life doesn’t leave you much in the way of a grey area. You either live it safe in a corner or chasing your dreams. You made your choice and went all in without looking back. I may not know you well enough to say if I would agree with every decision you made, but that last one is one I can respect.”

The hut remained quiet until Daring gave a slight snigger. “Really? That’s got to be one of the corniest things I’ve ever heard.”

James actually joined in with a slight chuckle of his own. “Yeah, well. I’ve always been something of a sentimentalist myself. Even so, I can’t help but think I would have achieved more with my life if I had a tenth of your insanity.”

“Oh?”

“Yup. I’ve done more living here in the last few months than I have in all the time I lived on Earth and that happened by doing the crazy thing and signing that contract. Thinking back, I think a lot of that may have been affected by the fact that I heard you came through before I did.”

“Pfft. Suuuure. Blame your insanity on the last chump that came through. That’s responsible.” Daring gave one more laugh and strolled back to her cushion. But not before whispering a soft, “Thanks.”
When she left James whispered an equally soft, “The honor was mine Ms. Earhart.”


Everfree Forest- later that evening



The three traveled quietly together making their way past the thick brush and through various game trails that winded around the forest floor. Some shafts of line shown through the canopy but the forest itself remained fairly dark. Daring glanced back and forth occasionally out of nerves. Luna noticed as she glanced to her side. “Is everything well, Daring?” Though she spoke softly it wasn’t whispered or holding any urgency.

Daring, on the other hand, had beads of sweat forming down her brow as she whispered back harshly. “Oh sure. Everything’s peachy! My fur has been on end for the last few hours and my gut’s been telling me that there’s something out there but we haven’t heard anything beyond a few smaller animals.” She looked around again as if confirming something wasn’t about to leap from a nearby bush then back to Luna. “Not that I’m complaining about not being attacked but I don’t like having the feeling that something is out there and not knowing where it is!”  

To Daring’s annoyance, Luna just laughed softly. “Is that what bothers you? If so, then allow me put your mind at ease. Without making any sudden movements look directly west of us.”

Daring frowned but did as she was told squinting as she tried to see past the clustered trees and thick brush. She didn’t notice anything until she looked closely at some gold lights in the distance. At first she thought they were refractions of sunlight from some due covered ferns until closer inspection revealed they seemed to be matching their movements. And there were eight pairs exactly. Daring gulped and looked back ahead.  
She had to fight the urge to glare at the Princess as Luna laughed again at noticing her discomfort. “Fear not friend Daring. I’ve been aware of them for a while. Nearly as soon as we left the Glade in fact.”

“Oh sure thanks, Princess,” Daring whispered snidely. “I feel so much better knowing that they’ve just been following us all this time.”

“Following, yes. But not attacking. Nor will they.” Luna continued speaking calmly as if they were discussing the weather team’s schedule while they walked. “As the Princess of the Night and all that dwells within, I’ve long since gained an understanding of predators.” Luna paused a moment glanced ahead toward where James walked and smiled. “An understanding our guide seems to share as well. His words proved as much earlier and I am sure he is just as aware of their presence as I am. The creatures may be tempted to attack but they recognize when there is a greater predator nearby.”

Daring looked from Luna to James and back again with a disturbed frown. “Okaaaay. Moving along and hoping things don’t get any creepier. What is your impression on ‘our guide.’ I mean, you’ve literally been inside his head. What is he like?”

Luna looked ahead at James who continued strolling ahead and watching for potential threats. “There is much I still don’t know about him. His defenses were…formidable to say the least. From what little I gathered in our talk, however, he strikes me as a being of integrity and honor. He strongly adheres to the code of his faith and is unlikely to deviate far from it. He also has a strong desire to aid others in need.”

It sounded like some old knight from the Arthurian tales. Daring looked ahead and tried to fit what she heard with the wooly wild man she was seeing now. “Sooo what? Beneath that dangerous shell he’s actually a big softy?”

Luna actually blinked in surprise before shaking her head. “Oh no not at all. He’s likely one of the most dangerous creatures I’ve ever met. Our meeting was actually one of the first times in centuries I feared for my life. Certainly the first time in the Dreamscape.”

Daring’s eyes widened worriedly at the apparent shift. “Ummm.”

“He’s cunning, determined, calculating. While not inherently cruel he has the potential to be absolutely ruthless against those who make themselves his enemy. If some of the signs were interpreted correctly, there is even a good deal of anger deep within.”

“Okay, Princess!” Daring whispered harshly trying to get her attention without letting James in on the conversation and inadvertently provoking him. “If there is a part where I shouldn’t be afraid of him now would be a good time to share it.”

Luna blinked at Daring’s words and nodded apologetically. “Forgive me, Daring. I did not mean imply he was a danger to us. I suppose my duties and past work tends to have me focus on the darker aspects of others.” She grimaced and closed her eyes as she tried to put her feelings to more adequate wording. “The cunning, determination, and calculating sides of his personality are purely tools to protect others. He would likely put himself in harm’s path long before he allowed another to suffer. Any ruthlessness would be tempered by his capacity for justice, compassion, and patience. From what I have seen of his character and code it would take a truly wicked creature to earn the title ‘enemy’ in his eyes. Even then he would give that creature a chance to redeem itself before committing to…harsher action. As for the anger?” Luna sighed. “I’d wager none would fear it more than he. Much of the discipline I saw in him was likely born from the fear that he would hurt others.” Luna’s eyes fell and she mumbled, “In that regard we may well be kindred spirits.” 

Daring fell quiet both to think on Luna’s earlier words and to avoid revealing that she heard the last words as they likely weren’t meant to be heard. She focused ahead on their mystery man who was still strolling ahead as easily as if he were in his own backyard aside from occasional glances to either side. Questions ran through her mind. What did Simon see in this guy to send him here? What was he like? 

She considered all that Luna said and what she saw of James thus far. Cunning and calculating? He certainly showed that in how he prodded her into reacting and how easily he slipped into answering questions without actually giving anything away. Determination and patience? He would’ve been manticore chow by now if he didn’t have any of that. He showed plenty of protectiveness in how he jumped in a fight to save two beings he didn’t know from a pack of Timberwolves. As for an odd mix of ruthlessness and compassion? She thought about the fight itself. He was efficient, certainly. He didn’t show any pleasure or hate as he fought but he didn’t hesitate in killing them either. It was like he understood the necessity of what he was doing but still didn’t like it so he just carried it out as quickly as possible and moved on. Daring couldn’t decide whether that should be comforting or scary. Maybe a little of both?

Daring was so preoccupied by her thoughts she didn’t notice soft obstacle ahead of her until it smacked her face forcing her to step backwards while spitting out feathers. She glared at Luna as she realized the Princess had stretched out her good wing to stop Daring. “Hey! What’s the big idea, Princess?! Why did…you?...” Daring’s rant faded as she noticed the Princess standing at her full height and glancing back and forth searching the surrounding forest. She looked past Luna to see James standing stock still. “Uh, hey guys?” Daring asked worriedly. “What’s the deal?”

“The forest is still. Unnaturally so,” Luna spoke softly as she cautiously scanned the surroundings.

Daring shrugged as she tried to fight the chill working its way up her spine. “Y-yeah. We’ve been followed by Timberwolves, remember? Anything with sense would clam up when they’re around.”

“That’s just it, Daring. They are gone as well.” Luna waited long enough for Daring to look around and gasp in understanding before continuing in a steady though worried explanation, “Tis true that prey will hide in the presence of hunters. But when the predators flee as well? What do you think that means?”

Before Daring could respond the ominous question, the attention of both mares was drawn to their human guide as his shoulders slumped and he sighed, “It means we are not as lucky as I hoped and that Daring is about to get an answer to her question back at the hut.” James glanced back at the mares with a stony expression aside from the tightening of his eyes. “Stumpy is somewhere up ahead.”

> Ch6: Never Smile at a Crocodile prt 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

  The trek forward had been a quiet and tense one; partly out of caution and partly due to the subdued atmosphere caused by James’ declaration. They eventually came to a stop at a collection of bushes just feet away from where the forest suddenly cut off. Some distance to their left, the forest opened in a wide trail measuring roughly ten or fifteen meters. Considering the large ruts and splintered logs that littered it, it was assumed the trail had been made by Stumpy. Ahead of them was a massive quarry surrounded by forest except for the cliff of granite and stone directly opposite their current position. The center of the cliff was split by a narrow divide leading to a twisting trail between the two rock formations. 

“Considering our luck I have a pretty good idea what the answer is going to be but I’ll be the stupid optimist here and ask anyway. Is that divide on the other side supposed to be our way out?” Daring asked grimly from James’ left. He looked over taking in the state of the two mares before answering. 

Daring was staring with a steady though wary gaze as she waited for an answer she knew she wouldn’t like. Luna was still staring ahead resolutely, her mouth tightened into a thin line. James didn’t envy the frustration she must have felt at staring down a foe she should be able to trounce but likely couldn’t fight now due to her injuries. He looked back at Daring and briefly considered trying to break it gently before dismissing the idea as he figured she wouldn’t appreciate him apparently trying to handle her with kid’s gloves. Besides, there is some bad news just didn’t have a way to break gently without straight up lying. He nodded answering tersely, “Unless the two of you instantly recovered enough to fly when I wasn’t looking? Yes.” 

The explorer closed her eyes and hung her head with a tired sigh, “Yeah, I kinda figured that would be the case.” James and the Daring both looked back up to stare at the dilemma that had Luna’s attention. Napping directly in front of their escape route was none other than James’ very own archenemy: Stumpy the hydra. 

Now to say stumpy was a hydra could be considered a bit misleading. Comparing him to any hydra could be akin to comparing a German Shepard to a Chihuahua. Yeah, they were technically part of the same family but they were still worlds apart. Stumpy’s body was covered in dark green armor-like scales speckled with dirty gold mottling that could allow him to blend where the tree canopy was tallest near the Everfree heart. Hard as it was to believe, it was pretty effective as he looked like a small hill with sun beams shining down on him right up to the point where some poor animal walked along into an ambush. He measured nearly twice the mass of any hydra found in the bogs. Where normal hydras were waddling mountains of meat, Stumpy’s mass was formed into a streamlined serpentine body that employed thick muscles along his side and rough traction gaining scales on his belly. James might have thought the sleek designed body would’ve rendered the front legs obsolete if he hadn’t seen how Stumpy was able to use them for quick bursts of speed or tight turns by quickly pushing off to the side. It brought to mind a freight train given the ability make hard banks and seek out targets to flatten. And that was before considering the temper and rows of razor-sharp teeth the size of a gladius.

Unlike the wide maws found on his lessor bog cousins, Stumpy’s heads angled into sharp snouts ideal for spearing through trees and underbrush where unlucky prey thought it could hide. Each head had a feathered crest colored motley gold that either aided in camouflage as it folded down or served as intimidation when flaring in anger both through colorful display and an unsettling grinding, screeching noise they produced as they rattled scratched against one another. It certainly didn’t make hiding from him easier as there were six heads, each one vigilant and equipped with sharpened senses. Well, seven originally, James mentally corrected as he idly observed the sleeping beast with his heads curled up and one stunted appendage hanging over the side and ending in a fused stump.

“I take it you had something to do with that little feature that probably earned its name?” Daring asked snidely from the left.

James looked over to see Daring’s gaze alternating between giving him a suspicious glare and a stare at Stumpy’s useless appendage with a combination of awe and nausea. Luna’s stare directed him was a bit more guarded though showing a hint of curiosity. James sighed before turning back to the sight of the troublesome uber-hydra before he started into a flat toned explanation, “You may remember I told you he holds a grudge?” He didn’t bother looking over to see them nod as he continued, “well, along with his little arsenal of natural weapons, he’s smart enough that the same trick doesn’t work twice and he seems to have a pretty well developed ego. When I narrowly survived our first encounter, he seemed to take affront to the fact that I got away and started going out of his way to track me across the forest. Half of my efforts to survive here came from thinking up new ways of evading him. Eventually, it came to a point where running was becoming less of a feasible option and I had to do something drastic,” he idly fingered the staff strapped to his back as he stared toward the spot where Stumpy lay curled asleep and snoring loud enough shake the nearby rubble, “something that would convince him that chasing me wasn’t worth the effort.

“Of course, this presented a slew of new questions. For one thing, there were stories back home about how hydras regenerate to the point that they could regrow new heads in the place of lost ones. And before you ask, no,” he held a hand up to Luna whose mouth opened as if to ask a question, “there aren’t any back home and I don’t know how there are stories there. I can only assume it involves whatever connection allowed me and the humans Daring mentioned to cross over.”

Luna’s mouth snapped shut while Daring simply nodded, likely been plagued by the same questions in her own ‘arrival.’ “However those stories came about, you made a good call keeping them in mind. From what I’ve seen in my travels, the whole regeneration thing is a trait that comes with age. We might not know how old…Stumpy…might be but considering all the advantages he has working for him already it’s better to ere on the side of caution.”

“My thoughts exactly,” James agreed with a nod. “I’d have to do something that would wound and leave a permanent mark. The one idea that came to mind was following the stories’ example by doing something that left a wound then cauterized said wound.”

“What could you have possibly done to achieve that?” Luna questioned incredulously before gesturing to the staff on back. “I will say that your weapon fits that description but, even with your strength, I see no way you could have used it to severe its neck!”

“Well, you’re not wrong, Luna,” James answered ignoring Daring’s glare at his lack of formality. “Even if I could cut through his hide, the best I could do would leave a few minor scratches that would only tick him off.” He sighed tiredly before he finished, “So, using the materials I found in the forest, I made a homemade termite grenade and-”     

“YOU WHA- hmph!” Daring’s eyes widened and she quickly slammed both front hooves to her mouth seemingly in a vain attempt to take back the startled shout. The three of them found their frightened stares turned to the beast in the quarry as he gave a massive snort and twitched. Long, tense seconds stretched before Stumpy’s breathing settled back into a regular snore and the three observers exhaled quietly. Daring turned her gaze back to James and hardened before she resumed, carefully whispering this time, her earlier thought, “You what?! I mean, I figure finding the materials to make the stuff would be easy in a place where you could trip over diamonds on a random walk but there’s no way I’d believe you could do it safely! If you even know what thermite is then you have to know how stupid it was to pull something like that!”

“Know ye one of the largest annoyances We’ve found since waking after a thousand years?” Luna interjected. Daring and James both turned to Luna in confusion at her casual interruption. There was also more than a little nervousness as her old speech was back up in full. When she noted their attention, she gave a satisfied nod before letting calm give way to aggravation as she hissed, “That everypony forgets it has been a thousand years! Would you kindly explain the details before thine tirade continues?! What is thermite?!” 

For the first time, Daring actually showed a bit of chagrin as she coughed awkwardly before addressing Luna. “Uh, yeah, sorry about that, Princess. Um. Would you happen to have read anything about railroads?” She waited for Luna’s impatient nod before going on. “Well, thermite is a special mixture that can produce a steady heat source that burns at extremely high temperatures. Rail companies use it in the field to melt and fuse the ends of steel rails together in seconds. Without magic.”

Luna’s eyebrows rose in interest. “Indeed? I’ve yet to hear of it though. Cursory as my readings on these railroads have been, I would think a device of such import would’ve shown in my studies earlier.”

“That’s because thermite isn’t all that popular. It requires a specialist to prepare it, loads of preparations, safety precautions. Unless they have some kind of deadline to make most teams would rather wait for a trained unicorn to come on site because, at the end of the day, magic tends to be cheaper,” Daring’s tone changed from respectful to irritated in a heartbeat as she turned to James with narrowed eyes, “not to mention safer. Usually, you can just use magic without worrying about spilling something on the floor and having it melt through the box car. And now this half wooly numbskull says he’s been playing with the stuff in a wooden hut in the middle of a forest. All so he could make a onetime weaponized form of it.” By the end of her rant, Daring was jabbing an accusatory hoof at James as if she were going to somehow stab him with it.

“I know, I know,” James groaned as he shrugged tiredly. “It was crazy and risky but some situations kind of don’t give you much choice in the matter. Like using up any bag of tricks you might have running from a giant walking stomach with several maws and a bad case of sadism.”

Daring’s face twisted into an exasperated glare as she prepared to shoot a reply only to be calmly interrupted for a second time. “He is not wrong.” Daring and James turned their gazes, the former blinking owlishly and the later quirking a concerned eyebrow, towards Luna. “We are not always given the luxury of safe and wholesome choices.” Her face was guarded as she stared at the ground but her eyes seemed to grow haunted as she thought on old memories.   

An awkward silence stretched until James finally spoke quietly, “Look, I understand. Things are bad and you have no reason to trust me. Yes this latest bit of info probably gives you even less reason to listen but know this: I may take risks but I don’t take them lightly. I have a plan and I have taken every detail into account. Please, just trust me for a little bit longer and I promise I will get you two home.”  

James wasn’t sure how much his face was giving away, but he could feel a tightening in his gut as he watched the two mares consider his words. Daring frowned at the ground in deliberation before looking up and nodding reluctantly while Luna barely hesitated before nodding her own confirmation. James nodded acknowledging their acceptance before turning to regard Stumpy again. Glad as he was that they were onboard though, he couldn’t seem decided what made him more uncomfortable: Daring having to struggle against years of experience before trusting him or being the object of such unwavering faith from someone like Luna. 

Well, no point brooding on it now.

“Okay, here’s what I have in mind. If you follow the treeline,” he gestured to the right where the two mare’s gazes followed, “you’ll notice it follows the quarry border all the way to the cliff wall. Once there, you’ll notice a thick barrier of foliage lining the base of the cliff all the way to the divide entrance.”

Luna nodded her head and pursed her lips thoughtfully as she listened to James’ outline. Even Daring, for all her misgivings, seemed to grow enthusiastic as the plan went on. “Yeah. Yeah I see where you are going with this. As long as we take it slow, the foliage should give us plenty of cover to get to the divide undetected. Even if he wakes up, we should be close enough that the divide that his size should limit him.” Daring held a hoof to her chin in thought before looking back to James with an appreciative regard. “You might just have a solid plan there.”

“Oh, not at all. Simply trying to sneak by would get us killed in a heartbeat,” James interrupted casually causing Daring to blink in confusion. James noticed her look and explained, “Among other things, Stumpy is a ridiculously light sleeper. The moment you get close to the divide, he’s going to come around. When that happens the brush won’t slow him down at all. I’ve seen more than enough poor woodland animals put too much faith in greenery.”

“O~kay,” Daring gritted out. “Any reason you bothered with that suggestion earlier? You know, besides getting under my fur? Oh and,” she waved a hoof as if a thought just occurred, “you know. Also tempting me to…oh how would you say? Buck you so hard that monkeys a million years ago feel it and fall out of their trees!” she hissed.

“I’m deeply hurt,” James declared in a flat tone accompanied by an equally flat stare. Daring answered with a raspberry that quickly cut off with a yelp as Luna gave a light smack to the back of the head with her wing. James ignored the exchange aside from a brief smirk and continued, “Inappropriate cracks aside, sneaking along the brush was only part of the plan. By the time he starts to rouse from your presence, I’ll be giving him something else to focus on from the opposite side of the quarry.”

This last addition to the plan left the two mares sharing an uncertain look before Daring hesitantly spoke up, “So what then? Are you hoping that your fight from last time will scare him enough to back down?”

“Not even a little bit,” James answered matter-of-factly. “The best my last stunt achieved was persuading him to stop actively hunting me. Finding me sneaking around in his backyard though? He’ll definitely be ready to rip me apart.” Seeing Daring and Luna’s distraught faces, James held a hand up to forestall any panicking and continued, “Before you freak out, no, it isn’t my plan to be an appetizer. While I had no way of knowing I’d meet anybo-pony I did plan for the possibility that I would have to get by Stumpy somehow without having the luxury of time to wait for him to leave. I managed to sneak some surprises in here piece by piece over the course of a few weeks.” He looked deeply into each mare’s gaze before adding in as sincere a voice as he could, “Everything will be fine, ladies. Just go on and I’ll step in by the time he starts to come to. After this, the wildlife afterward will be a lot tamer and it’ll be a straight shot to the border. Promise.”

Daring glared at the ground as she warred with herself before turning her glare back to James. She took a breath, likely to give him a piece of her mind on how stupid this idea was, only to be interrupted by Luna’s wing tapping her on the shoulder. She looked over to see the Princess give a slight shake of her head before letting out an exhale and turning back to James with narrowed eyes. “You had better be on the up and up on this,” She muttered before spinning on a hoof and skulking off. 

Luna started to follow before turning and giving James an unreadable stare. “You are the first soul I’ve been able to openly speak with like this in a long time. A very long time. Please don’t force me to see that to be taken away by going down in a blaze of glory.”

James stared back into her eyes and gave what he hoped to be a reassuring smile. “Believe me, Luna. That is in no way my first plan.” Luna regarded him for a moment nodding and making her way after Daring. James’ smile quickly fell when he was sure Luna was out of sight.

“Well, aren’t you just full of crap mister bible thumper? What happened to keeping that holy-ish image? The no lies thing a bit too much for you?”

“I didn’t actually lie. All I said was that going in a blaze of glory wasn’t my first plan,” James corrected.

“Going down in a blaze of glory shouldn’t be a plan at all, Dumbass,” came a sardonic reply.

James sighed tiredly turned his head acknowledging the presence to his left. If anyone else could see him they would see a young man casually leaning against one of the trees. His auburn brown hair was combed back and extended to his shoulders. He wore designer jeans and a white T-shirt that said ‘Governments might rule the world but artists shape it.’ “What do you want, Gramlich? Unless you have something genuinely helpful I suggest you get lost before I send you into the Gauntlet.” The abomination he faced now was probably the worst drawback suffered from the juice. In the past few months, every one of James’ doubts, fears, and insecurities that haunted him at home started harassing him in the form of a persona that called itself Gramlich. And to add insult to injury? It took the face of his younger brother, Alex. 

“Hey, take it easy buddy,” Gamlich said with a disarming smile and hands raised in placation. “I’m just looking out for your wellbeing. After all, being a part of you means if you go then I go down too. And I happen to be very helpful thank you very much. It just doesn’t do much good when you never listen to good advice.” 

“‘Good advice!?’” James repeated indignantly. “If I did things your way we would have been waiting at the hut for Celestia and her guards to come looking!”

“What’s so bad about that? The Princess is a big filly who can take care of herself.”

“A lot of those guards would’ve died searching these woods!”

“Um. Yeah,” Gamlich drawled as he shrugged nonchalantly. “They’re soldiers. Dying is kind of one of the hazards that comes with the job.”

“Maybe so, but I’m not going to be the weasel that forces them to face that when there’s another way.”

“And your way is what? Getting killed so they don’t have to? Yes, very noble,” Gamlich sneered. “I’m sure that unwitnessed act of heroism would be enough to inspire those soldiers to come visit your unmarked grave in the middle of nowhere. Assuming, of course, that Stumpy bothers to leave enough of you for that anyway.”

James huffed, “At least I would die knowing I did some good. If I did things your way, I would be spending the rest of my life rotting in a room by myself.” He stalked off toward Stumpy’s game trail where he would enact the plan while doing his best to ignore the grating presence beside him. 

“You know, most sane beings would prefer rotting in a hut over getting torn limb from limb by a raging hydra,” Gamlich pointed out dryly before shrugging. “Anyway, I didn’t show up to bemoan a ship that long since sailed. No, I’m here to talk about the sensible options we have left.”

“Oh I can’t wait to hear this,” James muttered darkly.  

“Walk away.”

Those two words stopped James in his tracks and turn toward the impassive visage of the creature before him. James would need some quality time in a padded room when/if he got out of these godforsaken woods. He knew this long since the first hallucinations started badgering him. He only bothered talking back to this depressing specter of self-loathing because it provided the closest thing he had to conversation. He knew it was just some twisted aspect of his own mind. 

And that is what terrified him now. To think even the worst part of his consciousness could suggest this. “…No. Just…You would have us-me! Have me leave them to die?!”

“Survival of the fittest,” Glamlich suggested with a sardonic smile on his lips.

James glared at him and spoke quietly choosing to ignore the barbs in the quote, “As far as my standards may have fallen. As much faith as I may of lost, in myself and others, I not going to leave another soul in need like this. ‘No greater love is there than to lay one’s life for another.’”

“Oh, great. More Bible quotes of the day,” Glamlich grumbled. “I’m sure the denizens of the forest appreciate your wisdom. Like that bunny living in sin? No telling how many holes that home wrecking skank has hipity hopped between. Or that deer from a few days ago? I’m sure he’ll rest easy knowing that manticore will get a good scolding for eating him without praying grace first.” 

“Even if it weren’t for my personal code,” James went on over the jeering and started his way again toward the cleared path, “I especially wouldn’t leave them since they’re in danger because I gave my word to be there.” 

“Word shmord. Who’s going to give you flak if you walk out now? The trees!?” the specter asked incredulously as he motioned around. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in Equestria not Narnia. Totally wrong fairytale setting for eavesdropping trees. Which brings the real issue at hand. THEY AREN’T REAL!” he spelled in a voice loud enough to alert everything within a mile. Or would have been if it had occurred outside James’ head. As it was, it was enough to make him flinch in mild pain. “I don’t care what theory you come up with in that little space between your ears where I’m stuck lodging. They’re still as good as fake where you’re concerned. Kept or broken, who’s going to know about a promise you made to make believe characters in a kid show?!”

“You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth,” James whispered softly as he made it to the spot a few feet from the width of area consisting of ruts, crushed trees, and compacted soil formed by Stumpy’s frequent passing. 

“Will you stop hiding behind verses for a second and listen, really listen?!” Gamlich cried exasperatedly as he stood in front of James who had taken to watching Stumpy for any sign of movement. “You’re not a soldier, or prophet, or even a real chaplain. You’re an emotionally closed off shut in with delusions of martyrdom! This isn’t one of your hypotheticals. This is you about to throw your life away in a painful, useless end. And for what? To play hero and feel justified in how you wasted your life before?! I say we get out now. Screw what happens to some make believe ponies and those dusty old scriptures written by a bunch of dea-” 

Gamlich was cut off as James’ halberd sliced through him. The image faded and James fell to one knee, grasping his head in pain. Essentially, James had done nothing aside from swinging his weapon through the air. However, when dealing with ‘distractions’, physical acts often provided a focus when dealing with some of these hallucinations. In this case, he used it to drive Gamlich out and down deep into his psyche. It might not seem like much in theory but he essentially cut off a part of his being, though a very annoying and despised part, and buried it deep.

After taking a breath of calming air, James looked up to watch Stumpy for any sudden twitches and signs of waking before tiredly whispering, “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”


******



Gamlich gave a couple of painful coughs as he lay on the hard surface. After a few more shuddering breaths he opened his eyes only to squint again at a powerful light around him. He looked around at darkness surrounding his area of light and went into a wheezing chuckle as he realized where he was. 

“So that’s it huh? Just send naughty old Gamlich to the Gauntlet when you can’t make a real argument,” he wheezed out another laugh as he forced himself shakily back to his feet. He looked up with a glare as if hoping his spite would surface through the abyss. “Well, fine Jamie boy! That’s just fine. Keep shoving your problems in a hole. See where that gets you. Sooner or later, reality is going to catch up and bite you in the ass. Then you’ll hear my voice sneering in the back ground and-”

“IMMA FIRIN MAH LASA!!”

Gamlich blinked a couple of times before recognition kicked in and he lowered his head mumbling in resignation, “Son of bi-”

***BOOM!!!***

****** 


“Well, it looks like that’s my cue,” James muttered tiredly as he noticed one of Stumpy’s heads twitch and grimace at an unseen disturbance.

After taking a bracing breath, he left the cover of foliage and strolled into the path. Once he got to the center he turned to face the direction of Stumpy and went into a parade rest with the halberd hefted over his shoulder javelin-style. He took a few more slow, deep breaths as he watched Stumpy for any more movements. 

On seeing three of Stumpy’s heads blink their eyes and started to look around groggily, likely due to Daring and Luna nearing the exit, James took one more deep breath. “Hey, Stumpy! Eat anyone interesting lately?!” James bellowed causing all of Stumpy’s heads to jerk awake and turn towards him. 

Stumpy stared at the intruder with six pairs of shocked eyes before they narrowed as he growled. Crunching sounds echoed as he uncoiled his massive body and grounded the rock beneath him to dust beneath walls of muscle and rough scales. New ruts were formed into the quarry floor as Stumpy anchored himself with his claws and began to slither leisurely towards the insolent creature before him. 

For his part, James continued to hold a relaxed stance with left hand propped on his waist and his right still holding the crude halberd over his shoulder. He watched Stumpy slide closer before commenting further. “Hey, Stumps! I always wanted to ask you something. How do you deal with morning breath? I mean most creatures sharing sleeping space can just leave. You? You’re stuck with six directions of perpetual B.O.” James frowned slightly in apparent thought before shrugging and adding, “Well, at least now it’s only five directions now. You’re welcome by the way.”

Five heads snarled in anger as their feathered crests ground against one another generating a series of shrill screeches. The sixth neck ending in a stump twitched back and forth as if making sure to remind the rest of the source of their anger at the intruder. And the seventh, who James had affectionately taken to calling ‘the brain,’ actually hesitated at the jab. It looked around then took an experimental sniff in the direction of the other hissing heads before quickly turning and coughing to the side with a nauseous expression. James actually wondered if they would come to blows with each other when the others noticed and started bickering in a series of growls and hisses before one finally restored order by barking something at them and bringing their attention back to James. As the main bulk of Stumpy’s body came to a halt, the six heads lowered slowly until they were lined up in front of him nearly a foot away.

From the proximity, James could count every row of razor-sharp teeth. His manticore coat flapped about him from the sheer force of Stumpy’s breath and the rank smell of soured meat threatened to bring tears James’ eyes. He waved his hand in front of his face a couple of times to disperse some of the stench. He looked into each of Stumpy’s glaring eyes then surprised the hydra with an elegant bow befitting a stage. “As much as I’d love to stay for dinner”- James had to stifle a chuckle seeing brain actually roll his eyes at the comment- “I’m afraid I have a promise to keep.” James straightened back up and gave a twisted smile. “And you’re going to have six nasty headaches to get over.” 

James turned ninety degrees and threw his halberd toward the tree line to his left. There was a thunking noise as it landed in the ground just past a bush, but also the snap of taut line being severed. The noise was briefly followed by a din of pulling ropes and wooden gears just before sections of foliage on either side seemed to explode in a mess of clod and leaves as wood beams launched from either side in a collision course toward the middle of the path. Right where Stumpy’s heads were lined up in a row. 

Stumpy didn’t have time to do more than look surprised before the logs made contact on either side slamming all six heads together. He roared in pain, pulling all his heads away and stumbling backwards. James held his breath as he watched each head seem to take turns drifting in and out of consciousness as the titanic carnivore struggled to stay awake. Eventually, only one head remained before finally giving in and sagging down groggily with the rest. The whole body seemed to brace and stand for a moment before crashing down with enough force to shake the surrounding area and send James to his knees. 

James took a minute to catch his bearings then walked to Stumpy and gave one of his heads a cautionary kick to make sure he was truly dead to the world before retrieving his spear and jogging toward the divide. He was met by the sight of two mares staring at him with matching awestruck expressions. 

He took a moment to bask in their shocked looks before he spoke. “While Stumpy might be a light sleeper, even he won’t just up and wake from a blunt force trauma like that. I estimate an hour or two before he wakes up with several killer headaches. More than enough time for us to get out.”
Daring and Luna both stared at him incomprehensively before the former finally attempted to speak, “H-how? What? I…huh?” In the end Daring could only motion toward the downed Hydra with a hoof in hopes James would guess the question.

“Not sure if you’ve seen for yourselves but I’ve noticed that Hydras have this odd little quirk. Whenever they actually face their prey head on instead of with ambush tactics they lower their heads down into a neat little row before taking the kill.” James shrugged nonchalantly before going on, “Not really sure why; toying with their prey, giving each head an even chance to tear at it. Could be anything really. Anyhow, I occasionally snuck here while Stumpy was gone to set the rig up one piece at a time on the off chance that Stumpy shared that habit and I would be able to exploit it.”

“There’s no way you could have tested it with him though,” Daring pointed out. “You said yourself that the same trick doesn’t work twice and there’s no way you could have tested it here and cleaned up before he returned.”

“Well, I tested the mechanics of the trap with a small scale model. As for whether Stumpy would fall into that same habit? I all could do was hope he was related enough to those smaller ones outside that he would share the same instincts.”

“And if your plan failed?” Daring pushed.

“I know enough about the wildlife outside that you two would’ve been able to sneak by them without too much difficulty.”    

“But what of you?” Luna asked with a concerned frown.

James merely shrugged again before answering, “Then I would’ve explored new meaning to the term ‘fast food.’” He raised a hand as if forestalling an objection, “And before you say anything, all I promised earlier was that dying wasn’t my first plan.”

Luna’s face darkened red with anger while Daring just shouted, “Are you bucking crazy?!”

…James knew it was in bad taste. These two had been through way too much but he just couldn’t ignore the opening. He lifted his hand while pinching his thumb and forefinger together in the universal sign, at least to those with digits, that said ‘a little.’ He was rewarded with a glare and violent eye twitch from Daring and, much to his surprise, a deepening scowl from Luna. He could only assume the latter mare knew the gesture from dealings with diamond dogs, minotaurs, griffins, and the like. 

He was practically giggling on the inside when Luna growled, “We are not amused.”

Even Daring had to struggle to keep her scowl up at that line.


Approaching the Ponyville border - Late evening


Luna continued to scan the area as they drew closer to Ponyville. While still injured and far from top form the cover of night, likely her sister’s doing, did much to restore her strength. Even as she worked to raise the moon and usher in each night, she and her guards drew a measure of power from it. James had been quite accurate in his assessment that she would be able to handle anything found in this part of the Everfree.

The Princess frowned as she gave a sideways glare at her guide who stoically strode at her left before giving an annoyed snort and turning her gaze forward again. Since the incident at the quarry, their party had travelled under silence: first cautious then sullen as the surroundings lost some of the menace present further back. James also kept silent though whether due to his normal disposition or caution around two infuriated mares, she couldn’t say. Halfway to their destination, Daring said that she recognized the area and parted ways saying that she had to keep a low profile. Luna wasn’t entirely sure, but she thought she might have heard Daring mumble something to James along the lines of ‘Take care. I might actually look forward to working together again’ before departing. 

Since then, she and James had continued at a brisk pace though something worried her. Occasionally she would glance over and notice that some of James’ strides falter a bit. He didn’t speak or show any expression to indicate something wrong. It may have simply been fatigue but it still worried her. He’d already demonstrated a nearly reckless disregard for his own safety if he feared endangering or holding others back. 

Her thoughts dispelled as her ears picked up sounds ahead. Her eyes widened and a foalish grin crossed her face as she noted lights ahead. “There! Just before us!” Luna cried excitedly. “That should be Ponyville! Quickly! If my sister isn’t there already, they should have a way to send a message!” She picked up her pace and sensed James keeping up behind her.

The scenery quickly gave way from wild brush and tree to fields and houses as they crossed into the Ponyville city limits. They failed to see any citizens though they may have chosen to stay indoors as a precaution if Celestia was already there in force and preparing to enter the forest.

As Luna suspected a small platoon of guards, comprised of members from both lunar and solar divisions, stood ready at town square fountain. The element bearers stood ready at the front with their elements equipped. And in front of them? Celestia stood dressed in gilded plate armor that she hadn’t worn since the end of the Chaos Wars. Luna’s heart seemed to leap into her throat at the sight as she realized how terrified her sister must have been to willingly pull out the old armor that she couldn’t stand to look at on most days for the memories associated with it. “Sister! Sister We’re over here!” 

Luna’s excited cry drew the attention of all the assembled ponies. Upon spotting Luna, Celestia’s stern glare melted leaving a teary eyed look of relief that brought a warmth to Luna. That warmth quickly faded, however, as Celestia’s relief gave way to shock and wariness as her gaze slipped past Luna. Luna’s trepidation increased as she saw the guards and the Elements take notice and readied for combat, the guards lowering their spears and the Bearers seeming to prepare their elements.

“Wait, hold! Everypony hold!” Luna cried quickly as she came to a stop while motioning for James to do the same. She nodded toward him as she hurried to explain, “He is called a human and is an ally. His name is James has been living in the heart of Everfree. He found me wounded and tended to my injuries before guiding me out.”

Celestia stared inscrutably between Luna and James before finally nodding to the rest of the group. The Element bearers relaxed and the guards raised their spears reluctantly. Rainbow and Applejack still seemed as suspicious as the guards. Fluttershy stayed hidden in the back while Rarity and Twilight stared, the latter in curiosity and the former in disgust at James’ attire. Pinky…reacted oddly, even by Luna’s past interactions as a reference. The pink mare stared in James’ direction with a strangely intense look. Regardless, Luna breathed a relieved sigh before looking up noticing Celestia making her way forward at a steady pace. She came to a stop directly in front of Luna and regarded her with a cold stare. Luna swallowed nervously as she failed to be able to read anything from Celestia’s expression. When even Luna couldn’t see past Celestia’s calm mask that usually meant the solar diarch was beyond furious.  

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Celestia surprised everypony as she quickly reached forward and pulled Luna into a bone crushing hug. Before Luna could respond, or catch her breath for that matter, she heard Celestia whisper, “If you ever take off like that without telling anyone again, I might just lock you in your room for the next hundred years.”
Luna scowled and opened her mouth to give a sharp retort until she felt a nearly imperceptible tremor go through Celesita. Luna’s annoyance quickly faded as she returned the hug and sighed, “Very well, sister. Next time we shall endeavor to fill out and turn in the proper forms for reckless self-endangerment. I know how much those clerks of yours love their paperwork.”

That got a dry chuckle from Celestia as she pulled back. “Of course. Can’t let the nobles think I’m playing favorites, can we?” Her relieved, loving gaze lingered on Luna a moment longer before fading back to the typical court mask of polite indifference as she turned to regard the human. She strolled to him until they were face to face and gave a nod. “I do not know how you came to be here or why, but you have my gratitude for aiding my sister. She means everything to me and I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to her.”

James said nothing, only staring back steadily. Celestia frowned slightly as she glanced back at Luna with a raised eyebrow. Luna cleared her throat before speaking to James in a reassuring voice, “I realize you must be uncomfortable being surrounded by strangers after your…unique situation. I can assure you, however, my sister means you no harm.”

“Of course,” Celestia agreed quickly with a nod as she turned to regard James again, this time with a comforting smile. “While some here may be a tad wary of you, you have my word that no harm will come to you. Further, I promise I will do everything in my power to-”

Celestia’s gentle words were cut off as two loud, wet coughs echoed through the plaza. The entire crowd stilled and stared toward Celestia with wide eyes. Celestia herself had a look of wide-eyed surprise as she slowly looked down at her chest trying to understand what she was seeing. Where her armor’s chest plate shined in pristine glory a moment ago, it was now marred by splotches of dripping crimson. 

Before anypony could speak James bent double and collapsed onto the ground with a bloodstained hand to his mouth as more violent coughs wracked his body. “JAMES!!” Luna shrieked as she rushed to his side and grabbed him in her hooves. His skin was burning to the touch and his body shuddered visibly. “James, speak to us! What ails thee…so…” Luna’s eyes widened in shock and she breathed, “Magic.” She looked over to Celestia in a near panic. “Sister, there’s too much magic in the air for his body to handle. It’s killing him!!”

Celestia’s face dawned in recognition then her eyes narrow determinedly as she turned and barked at the guards, “Have the fastest of you sent to Canterlot General and tell them to have Dr. Brightheart prep and ready a magic null chamber. He’ll know what to do. The rest of you secure him in the chariot. Manually. His body likely won’t take any more exposure to magic so no magic is to be directly applied.”

“That won’t work, Sister!” Luna cried out worriedly. “Several ley lines have formed in Canterlot after centuries of raising the sun and moon from there. Even if you take him directly to the chambers, bringing him close to that amount of magic in his state could finish him!”

Celestia looked back to her sister with a frustrated scowl, “And what else would you suggest?! Canterlot is the only nearby city with a null chamber or the specialized tools to set up another. We-”

“Actually, we can move him to the library basement,” a small voice spoke up. “It’s already lined with the insular materials and equipped with the glyphs needed to purge and redirect magic from the area.” Everypony present turned to the source of the interruption to find a very nervous Twilight Sparkle shuffling her hooves. “Before moving to Ponyville, I was working on some delicate research that needed a controlled environment where the magic could be reduced, or even blocked. So I…might have…slipped in some paper work with my town citizenship transfer forms to ‘borrow’ some of the equipment long enough to alter the basement.” By the end of the explanation, Twilight was rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof and smiling nervously. 

Celestia blinked a couple of times before sighing tiredly as she resisted the urge to face hoof (an urge that some in the guard, as well as Applejack and Rainbow Dash couldn’t resist) and spoke briskly, “Well, that can wait until later to discuss that. For now, ready the basement Twilight.” Twilight barely nodded before rushing into the library as Celestia turned back to the guards, “Move him to the library. And send somepony to the staff at the local hospital as well as the one in Everfree known as Zecora. We will likely need the expertise of every type of healing we can get.”

The town plaza had become a whirlwind of activity as everypony moved to follow their orders. Luna barely noticed as she held James in her forelegs, looking into pain clouded hazel eyes that drifted closed as his breathing slowed. “Hold on , James. Please, hold on,” Luna whispered gently.