- Member Since 10th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen May 21st, 2021
Michael Hudson
Original Works. It was a good run.
Michael Hudson
Joined 10th Feb, 2014 ·
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Sequels2
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Michael Hudson · 1.6k words · 24 7 · 908 views
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Michael Hudson · 15k words · 22 10 · 461 views
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"search google for this image"
done
you're welcome
*You're
*brim
What is there to say? You deliver as always.
5289793
Brm brm! Am a car!
I definitely have mixed feelings about this story, but well done, none the less.
Very good now for a sequel with sombra babies
5290432
Definitely agreed.
I was a bit saddened when I noticed the "completed" tag there because I'd be rather interested in seeing this setting being expanded upon.
but all of the mane6 went to go stop sombra in the first place , what could they possibly do after that event that they couldn't do during it?....
is anyone else thinking of that comic my little slave by blunt whiskey? seriously loved it!
5290794 As it says in the description (now) this was inspired by it. I just wish he hadn't left the fandom.
5290748 I'm sorry but no. Think about how strong Sombra is. They had no elements, no Crystal Heart, and no Twilight. Until Celestia and Luna (and I'm thinking of doing a prequel) show up, who could stop him from ripping everypony a new one? The mane 6 weren't there to fight Sombra outside of the Crystal Heart, and you all can see where that went.
I love the story. Reminds me of My Little Slave.
5290851 what do you mean they had no twilight? she was there , and as long as they're together the elements just sorta appear for them when they need it.....
5290895 Um... the major change here is that instead of Spike grabbing the Crystal Heart, Twilight stayed selfish and never let him do it, letting Sombra win. By the time Twilight escaped (which honestly one must debate how and I don't like pointing out my own plotholes) the others would have had to flee themselves seeing as they don't have teleportation or anything like that. Twilight was trapped.
5290913 oh k , would have made it simpler to include that canon change in the description,....
Awesome story also by the way found out bluntwhiskey is a chick is still doing twibra, just not the my little slave, and working on FNaF fanart
5291579 Cool, and I'm happy she is not gone from the fandom. When I was looking for her though, I couldn't find her. Also, thank you for the compliment.
5291676 your most welcome and don't worry about it she goes by another name i think kayla-na. she has a tumblr, patreon, and just recently put some of her work back on derpibooru, though on there i think she still uses her last alias
5291693 alright. I don't think I'll bother her though since she no longer goes under the name or relates herself to it. Still, she is wonderful at her craft and I hope she is doing well.
Well written. Love your interpretation of Sombra. Bluntwhiskey is an amazing artist. Have you considered more stories along similar paths? E.G. The stories of married life between Sombra and Twilight or the adventures of their children. Either way outstanding work.
What plan was the knight talking about ?
5292764
I'm hoping that I'm thinking the right part (right at the beginning) and it is the fact that the nobles want to buy Twilight to kill her and gain favor with Sombra through such means. She kind if has to be alive for that, and the guard wants to bang her.
Very well-written, great descriptions all-around. Yes, quite dark but strangely enough with a tinge of hope. And you gave Sombra characterization! That alone deserves cheer, but it fits with the vanishingly-little we got in the show for him, too. Bravo!
5292775 I was talking about when the knight met with Sombra after he bout Twilight to the castle. He muttered that he hoped Sombra's plan worked.
5294873 Oh! That is in reference to Sombra's hope in the end of winning Twilight over through showing her that life sucks more outside of the castle.
I like your story. I can't wait to see what you do in the future.
Stupid sexy Sombra!
If you can't fight the system Twilight, work your way up and change it from the inside.
Ok, now this is an interesting story and premise! I kind of hope to find out more of this world, how things came to be, how Rarity was captured and broken to Sombra's will, what has happened to the others.
This followed almost situation for situation of a wordless comic I read called my little slave involving twilight and sombra
5413818 Um... *Jumbled glances at description* I made sure though that this doesn't quite follow every scene, or at least has enough change to be my own.
5413879 oh! Dur! I should have read the description lol.
5413879 needless to say it was good.
5414602 I hope you enjoyed it and its prequel/sequel then.
New Ad slogan: fill it to the brim, with Sombra
Very well done. Gritty yet not too dark. A sprinkle of kindness and a tasteful sex scene and you have a masterpiece. This is why Sombra is my favorite bad guy. The fans can make him into any kind of villain.
5789308 Wow. Thank you for the compliment, and I do think there are a few restrictions to his character. If you told me Sombra was a flower plucking, lover of freedom... I'd check for an A.U. tag. Almost all of his characterization should be based off of his previous actions, which is tyrannical ruler. However, pony and king are there too, which leaves room for some level of conscious. At least, to me I suppose.
5789311 You'll note I said villain. I have seen so many variations and representations of Sombra he couldn't be anything other. I've seen versions of him that mirror Darth Vader, Count Dracula, Macbeth even Sauron! He either commits more and more evil until his defeat or until he pulls a Vader and redeems himself. Your version of him reminds me of Sauron with a touch of Arcturus Mengsk.(The Emperor from StarCraft)This is a guy who does horrible things, but ultimately believes that the good he does make up for the bad. There are few bad guys more evil than those who think they are in the right. Your Sombra plans on conquering the world and unifying it under a single government. Some see that as a bad thing, others a good thing. It reminds me alot of Injustice: Gods Among Us and the similarities between him and that version of Superman is a great parallel. Anyway keep up the good work.
5789397 Thank you, and I hope you peruse the 'sequels' currently out.
5789404 I've been browsing around the Internet and I think I found a quote that fits your Sombra perfectly.
"Millions died as I carved out my Empire. Millions more were delivered into dire bondage, where they certainly didn't survive long. But that resulted in a life of peace and security for untold billions that spanned many centuries." The Adversary, Fables by Bill Willingham
5790799 That at the very least somewhat fits his mindset. Unfortunately, at least as this AU is concerned, it will take many years for that peace to be found, but that will happen when you plunge a whole continent into anarchy and madness.
Took a bit to post this, because most of my reading these days happens on a phone. I'd have otherwise been gushing days ago about a well-done...grimlight...fic? We'll go with that. It was deliciously dark and yet didn't seem to have that oppressive dread about it that makes some of its contemporaries almost unreadable or unbearable--because the characters feel real, they feel motivated, driven, and they do believe they're doing what's right for themselves, or others. They have hope, and it translates well to the reader, or it did to me at least.
I only just realized that I wasn't following you, and I've since corrected that error.
5919314 Yay! I hope you decide to check out the prequels then and enjoy them as well, though I will be honest, In the Hole has a more oppressive tone with its dark element.
Okay, this'll be probably more like my impression on certain fragments... For starters, I don't know "My Little Slave", so I'm going in blind. Or rather, somewhat blind, since "My Little Slave" suggests a lot of things, especially with dark, sex, and mature tag. Warning: This comment contains unmarked spoilers.
Hmm, knowing the author and seeing the tags, the price will be even worse than Twilight suspects. I'd say that I'll probably be mentally scarred by the end, but so far the only scene that managed to do so was the great foalcon orgy in Twisted: Four Little Foals and it's hard to top that, at least in terms of squickiness.
Meanwhile, I'm three paragraphs in and something feels off. Like, it's an in medias res opening, but it flew somewhat quickly. In three paragraphs there was a house, a coffee mug and apparently a large fight going on. It all escalated quickly and ended abruptly. There are also some technical flaws, like repetition of the word "shards" and the "That is when the guards came in" sentence, which is in the present tense, despite the rest of the text being in the past. There's also the "decimated" issue, but we already talked about it.
I can't find anything technically wrong in that sentence, yet something in it rubs me the wrong way. When I think about it, it'd probably feel more natural to start it with "Outside the large tent" and give some more information on "a cold landscape", since the description seems kinda bleak, especially after a quite rich previous paragraph.
Story-wise, I'm still a bit lost after the beginning. There are some references (other nights) to things that happened to Twilight before the fight in which she was captured, but I still wonder what exactly went wrong there. Of course, it may have a purpose and the readers are supposed to discover some of the backstory later. It kinda works – the longer I think about it, the more I'm interested in what exactly happened. There's definitely some build-up; but it's the pay-off that will influence my opinion on this story the most.
Well, Twilight, I have a good and bad news. The good are that you're not fucked yet. The bad are that "yet" is a key word here. And considering the tags, "fucked" may be literal.
memecrunch.com/meme/DVN9/gentlemen-you-had-my-curiosity/image.jpg
This story started a bit rushed and confusing, but now it becomes more interesting with every line. Or maybe I'm just a bad person who enjoys reading such stuff. So, further down the track we have a mob which is apparently pissed at Twilight. Apparently, it won't be just what I think it will be, but also some humiliation and maybe some lynch.
quickmeme.com/img/fb/fb4821a55878e400ce303c79cd0aff6a97bc6ac5e61181e7598338deff5bc8f5.jpg
Unrelated: I can say "Good" in Palpatine's voice, but my friend told me not to do that. Ever.
Back to the story. The whole Twilight's walk through the town gives me flashback to The Hanging of Twilight Sparkle. I had rather mixed feelings about that fic, but it definitely did a good job showing Twilight's feelings when everypony wanted her dead (you may guess how it ended...). Here we also have some of Twilight's feelings and it's fleshed out much better than the initial few paragraphs.
And then... Sweet fucking baby Jesus on a stick, Shining Armor. I haven't seen that coming. And the exposition... Well, that's how you do exposition right. We, the readers, know what happened while not knowing what the fuck happened. Or, to straighten my train of thoughts, we know what happened, but we don't know how it happened and thus our imagination can go wild.
But let's go deeper. Well, death by gangbang was something I've seen coming if not from the start, then from the beginning of the auction scene. Still, it doesn't make it any less dark. There's however, one small thing that, while doesn't really ruin the whole scene, may sound kinda narmy:
The mental image it gave me caused me to burst in a rather inappropriate laughter (especially since I imagined that with a cartoonish "spring" sound as they unzipped their pants). That may vary depending of the reader, though. At least the following paragraph set the mood again and led to a twist.
As I said before, I've seen the gangbang thing coming (may be since I read what you wrote about a certain politically incorrect OC meeting some VIPs). In fact, when I saw this going to happen, I thought that it was too blatant to be true, especially, since it's barely 1/4th of the story. So, I kinda wanted this twist to happen and it happened. I guess Twilight is not much better off at this point, but let's read further.
On our way to Sombra (I guess) we get another snippet of the backstory. Apparently, the war was going for some time, with other Element Bearers involved (a minor nitpick, something I always tell people: Mane 6 are not the Elements of Harmony. They're the Element Bearers. Elements are the necklaces and a big crown thingy). Also, I can't get rid of an impression that those guys have kinda edgy names. Anyway, Twilight meets... someone. My first idea was Rarity due to an accent and "darling".
Indeed, it's Rarity, who apparently was thought to be dead – yet another dropped piece of a backstory. The picture is getting bigger with every paragraph, not to mention that Rarity's fate may be foreshadowing of what will happen to Twilight. The dialogue between them is, so far, one of my favourite parts of the story. Rarity's lines especially – she is clearly not telling us something and while we may deduce it, it's still quite a feeling to imagine what she's been through.
A more general thought, which you may also call my author filibuster: many readers underestimate the readers' imagination. It's especially visible in dark fics: many beginning writers try to top Cupcakes gore-wise (which, in fact, isn't that hard), writing visceral descriptions, full of blood, guts, and rape which leave nothing to imagination. Meanwhile, nothing scares the readers more than what they think happened. I can name a few things I think happened to Rarity in there and all of them are based on my fears, thus being tailored for me. Same goes for any other reader.
Okay, Twilight is clearly genre blind here. I guess after what she experienced on the slave market she should've get the idea what such an outfit may mean.
Here we go...
Well, Sombra is clearly a magnificient bastard here. Someone above all those petty villains. He doesn't want Twilight to be simply dead, but rather completely submitted to his will. While it may seem stupid (she may always pretend and stab him one day), it's actually quite wise: despite the market scene, Twilight may still have some supporters, not to mention that killing her would make her a martyr and got ponies thinking, which is not something dictators want. Long term goals, indeed. And on the top of that, he's a woobie destroyer of worlds, it seems.
And here, we reached the sex scene. Incredible as it may seem, given the buildup, it's more or less consensual. The first bit is short and brutal. It feels realistic, as far as the sex scenes in pony fiction go. They hardly know each other and Sombra definitely is into violence (though he doesn't really want to hurt her). I didn't read many sex slave fics before, but Sombra seems less sadistic than I expected, at least at this point. He's not pure evil, more like a darker shade of grey (damn, it sounds bad).
As far as mechanics goes, there are a few word choices I'd rethink, especially given the established mood. It's kinda like with cocks I mentioned earlier. In fact, after lots of interesting buildup and backstory, we kinda get a more or less standard clopfic. Better than the average, but still. And the ending...
I'm gonna put it that way: the best part of this fic is the middle, starting from the slave market and ending at the door of Sombra's chamber. The ending was sudden and, in my opinion, rushed and unconvincing. Like, Twilight spent quite a some time fighting Sombra. Then, she got caught, became his slave and had sex with him and, as a result of that, during the last 150 words of the fic, she decides that killing Sombra makes no sense and it's much better to live peacefully in his castle. It does bring some unfortunate implications (unless Sombra's cum is magical and there's some mind control involved – that's the only way I can make sense of it. That, or Twilight's PTSD caused a rapid development of Stockholm syndrome). Twilight starts as an action girl, but then becomes more of a faux action girl, which kinda made me cringe. Also, this:
And it never occured to her that Sombra was the cause of death and fear she experienced? She slept with him once and realised that he was misunderstood for his whole life? She didn't ask why exactly Rarity is scared of Sombra?
Generally, it's not a bad way to end a fic. It could've worked, but only if the fic itself was longer. Like, if the process of Twilight changing her mind was gradual. It'd have to be a multichapter, I guess. Chores, sex, some news about Twilight's friends, doubts, Sombra and Twilight slowly changing... It'd have to be elaborated on.
Overall, your writing is quite solid. The prose becomes sophisticated at some points and strangely beige at the others, but generally it's quite enjoyable to read. The character I like the most here is Rarity. Her scene was definitely the best moment of the story.
Paradoxically, Twilight is probably the weakest character. Like I said before, she's genre blind, weak-willed and too easily converted. For someone who lost her friends, family, and mentors, she's too forgiving.
To sum up:
Good stuff:
- The backstory and how it's presented,
- Those few scenes in the middle of the fic, including Shining Armor at the slave market,
- Rarity,
- It didn't go the typical rapefic way (for some people it may be a disadvantage...)
Bad stuff:
- Pacing. Some moments were rushed, especially the beginning and the ending,
- Twilight and her completely changing her mind after having sex with Sombra,
- It may be incredible, but at over 9k words, the fic is too short.
- The in medias res beginning didn't exactly feel pulled off well.
Ok. I'm going to read the prequel and sequel now.
Pretty good. It was dark, but not too much so. It was also mysterious enough and, believe-able that Twilight wouldn't finish Sombra just because the outside world is so painful that his word was a better option. I honestly would love to see what would happen after this.
6120572 Theirs a sequel and prequel!?!?!?!??
7852341 Both are prequels actually.
One is about Rarity and her change to working with Sombra, and the other is world building for kind of how Sombra beat the princesses, his order of knights, and the stallion who was to be his right hand man. I did have a LONG sequel planned, but I just never have found the time for it, something that's probably impossible without being commissioned for it now that I'm also trying to work on my own original fiction.
7852347 Ah! Thx!
and somewhere some how be it in the land of the living or the after life shining armor's big brother sense tingled making him screamed for he could sense Twilight had banged king sombra