- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen April 19th
Dark0592
Here lies the wistful delusions of the sleep addled mind. Actually wait, no, just me.
Dark0592
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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*grins with the intensity of a thousand suns*
continue...
The little side notes in parentheses within the text really need to come out; ideally, you could find a way to more organically convey the information, or you could stick it in the story summary if they're that critical. Not sure what the point of the age one is anyway - if it's not critical, you might want to take it out and save yourself the headache of keeping the ages matched with their human equivalents.
It all feels a bit too info-dump-ish, and Luna's complete non-reaction to Twilight casually dropping that she's been Celestia's personal protege for ten years comes off as a bit odd - in fact, it's odd that Luna doesn't at least know Twilight's name. Twilight certainly doesn't help this by never giving it to her, of course.
You play-by-play the details of a conversation which is, frankly, incredibly boring. It might be a good idea to step back a bit and just abstract the little incidentals of the conversation - a paragraph saying they chatted as they walked and highlighting the important details would cut out clutter. Characterization could use work, too - Luna and Twilight feel like cookie-cutter college girls.
I know this review has been very critical, but I think it needs to be. Your work needs a lot of polish in a lot of respects before it even stands out in the crowd of other 'FiM in high school/college' fics, let alone FiM fanfic in general.
478516 thanks for all of the feedback, I'm trying a new sort of story...I normally don't write something like this so the feedback is welcome, chapter two is already written so it might still have some of these problems but changes will be implemented as I write chapter 3
I like it so far, the writing is pretty good but there are some minor details I noticed that were left out of forgotten or something. Otherwise I like it so far and think you should continue this.
Onword ho!
So you chapters feel pretty short partialy because they are and partialy cause their seem to be a lot of less useful clutter going on, Upside the dialogue feels pretty solid and fluttershy remains adorable
im curious to see how your gona do Spike's charcter for this so keep um coming.
479536 I've got the next chapter about halfway done...no idea how long it'll take to finish. as for spike, he's not going to be a baby but not a big dragon...was thinking of making him a pony but that would be too weird
479539 you could always bring him up to age as it were (the term baby is relative to the lifespan soemthing tells me 50 is still baby age for them) that would let you increase his height to above a normal ponies but possibly still smaller then celestia you kinda already forsaked the starting story for luna no reason you can't do the same for spike long as hes still in charcter changes to background should be acceptable
479557 what starting story for Luna? and do what for spike? after you talked about spike being a baby the comment became a bunch of blah...rephrase it so i can understand what you're saying
479576 ......... ok then
In the show Luna is saved by the mane 6 in you story shes supresses Nightmare moon herself with a hibernation period. As such your clearely not forced into following the shows background story parameters. Therefore you could increase Spikes age and height while keeping everyone else the same (Ex. Spike and Twilight could be the same age becuase Twilight didn't hatch Spike). The key thing is to keep Spikes personality largely in tact (sarcastic, lazy, helpful, etc)
479669 oh yeah, That's basically what I did. they're all adults by pony standards now instead of spike being like a child, and I chose to forgo the nightmare moon stuff because I already had osme ideas in my head on where this was starting and that would clash with it
479675 exactly
The fashionista and dragon enter the field and ironicly their the odd couple out for more then the obvous reason.
So how tall is Spike compared to the ponys and is he walking on all four or just his back legs?
483232uhm he's about as tall as them, a bit taller than the short ponies, and he walks on all fours and two legs, though in this scene it was all fours
483443 Solid thanks
tis good traking... now it'll be nice seeing more in the later updates.
486355 putting some effort into other stories so this might not see an update for about a week, perhaps less but that is unsure
Moar!!!!!
487802 you have to put what you are referring to in the comment if you want a response
The Doctor is in!
and you kept him as a time lord
! LAN parties in school damn why the hell were none of my classes that awsome (ok so we might have done it when we were supposed to be working but it wasn't curiculum........Im a bad pony....... and i love it).
I think this will be better and better in the next Chapters!
So far, so good. I'm liking the concept, though the first few chapters seem a bit too introductory-like. They kinda read like a forward in a novel. I can't wait for you to reach the meat and potatoes of the story. TwiLina has become my favorite ponyship, ever, even beating out Twinkie-Pie!
And giving Twilight and Luna mad violin and viola skills was an awesome idea. I could easily see them playing some classical music like Pachebel's Canon in D with Octavia, Lyra, and Vinyl, maybe with Fluttershy singing some vocal accompaniment, before busting out with Bad Romance or something. 
Keep up the good work!
496726 eh with a story like this it needs a lot ofi ntrouction, that will stop after Advanced Magics and OM are introduced- so to speak- and after that I'll start making it fun
great scot twilight thats a lot of bits for one so young. its great seeing her be so skilled.
entire group of older
Vocabulary is specific to words, repertoire is probably a better choice when your referring to her spell set.
500,000 in a week and a full scholarship......... so basically Twilight's loaded and then some.......... Damn.
539333 eh i don't have an editor anymore so I just update when i get the chapter done...I'm always too tired or too busty to go through them then
539361 you've gotta quote the actual line for me to know exactly what you're talking about
539438 Well i mean 3 errors isn't really end of the world though so overall considering you didn't go through it or have anyone edit it that's pretty impressive. I must admit though i am curious how everyone else's School life is going, so i am hoping you have a chapter about that somewhere down the line here.
O and i suspect hes referring to a few chapters ago since i didn't see anything about lesbian relationships in this chapter other then the fact Luna and Twi are going out to dinner but its not even a date really.......
539475 not as much, but stupid people will be stupid people. prejudice is the kind of thing that doesn't give a damn about facts or statistics 539480 they'll all tie in eventually, the next chapter will be more of relationship building between Twilight and Luna, but after that everypony else starts coming more and more part of the story, and he was talking about chapter 2 about the group being isolated for their romantic views
539552>>539361 Clearly the solution is Harems........ Spike gets all the mares
(what he deserves it being the only guy in the group and having no real male friends to hang with. Poor guys the only sane one half the time and yet through it all he only goes crazy in the owlish episode, Secret of my Excess doesn't count that was a draconian trait not a fault of mind, and he never gets invited to any of the shit or taken on any adventures)
Also sounds good cause i was afraid Spike might end up being almost none existent in the story like in the show and then i'd be sad.
539604 the story's main character focus is TwiLuna, but sidestory and possibly sidestory chapters will be coming that show the others as well
539630 Indeed and i'd of been blind not be aware of that after the first chapter and not all their after the 2nd one but still I had hoped he'd have some importance since you felt the need to point out his and rarity's relationship going into it as well as the rest of the Mane 6's relationships, and i must admit the idea of side stories and possible side story chapters does bring a smile to my face with the possibilities in mind
539666 I've seen it work in otehr stories and I'm taking a crack at it with my Celestia's Love Games story, this one will be a bit less focused on the relationship and more focused on what the other pairs spend their time doing
539837 Yes Celestia's Love Games Has so much promise and possible hillarity (goes to see if its been updated) wait wasn't their a Spike tag on their before although thinking back to the prologue he wasn't even at the party (again seriously no one invites him to shit) so mayhap I'm just crazy it also makes me realize i never did finish reading the last 2 chapters.... well now i have something to do
539883 well on that one, i have the chapter halfway written. and it's a hearts and whooves day party so of course Spike would feign barfing and go sleep
i'm eating ramen at the moment, after that I was actually going to go finis htaht chapter thanks for reminding me!
539932 I must admit though I'm not usually into the lesbian relationships theirs a few i always think would be fun just because I could see some serious kinkiness or with Fluttershy and Dash cause the history is their but overall i tend to be more interested in hetero pairings particularly Sparity (its the only ship i really sail to be honest although Discord and Celestia tends to amuse me vastly).
It should be noted i have no issues with the lesbian relationships their just not usually my thing although i do find Twiluna to be unreasonably adorable though actually.
539995 Twiluna and Twilestia are tied for my fav pairing, but I base my shippings on things I see in cannon. the only hetero couple you ever see is Sparity. the only pairings i see with the mane 6 are really with each other, but I have plans for discord that don't involve Celestia- at least romantically.
540086 Frankly anyone shipped with Twilight is cute for some reason except Trixie that one always strikes me as kinky something about Trixie's attitude mixed with Twilight's constant need to learn and experiment ....... and I'm ok with that. Although shipping Rarity, Fluttershy, or Spike with Twilight I'm fairly against as far as I'm concerned Spike and Twi are family shes known and to some extent taken care of him since he was born, Twilight would not do that to Spike as far as Rarity goes (now the 3 of them in a Harem i can't help but find myself in the want column), and I hate Fluttershy with anyone but Dash cause I have a thing for shy girls and shes just to adorable i don't wanna give her to anyone, she only works with Dash cause i see the exact same kind of reasoning going through Dash's head with the whole childhood friends and the need to protect her going on so i tolerate it.
540248 I think rarity goes well with SHy as well, but I only use that pairing when i feel like writing appledash or pinkiedash. personally I love Lunashy as well.
540258 I don't know Rarity's so set on that idea of the perfect gentlemen for her to fall in love with i just can't see her being with a girl as a long term thing; now i can see her being with a girl for a night and I can see her in a three way (always with Spike). Part of me sees her as guys only (relationship intentions always) and another part suspects she'd fool around with girls (sex only always) but both sides agree long term she wants a man in her life.
And Rarity and Shy have a close friendship but i just can't see it being more I honestly can't even imagine Rarity fooling around with her because she cares about her friendship with Shy so much.
Hmmm... This story is alright.... It could go either way... But the plot seems a little jumbled. One thing happens too fast, then something else happens too slow.
540734 I could bs you and say that's how school life is, which is actually how it is, but in reality it's me kind of showing important things by taking longer, and skirting over the minor things that have no real impact on the story. and sometimes it is accidental
540883 Eh, either way, I look forward to seeing how this will develop!
Interesting to see how many spells you think Twilight can juggle at once. That's a lot of magic to keep track of.
Must have more too cute to ignore
Keep up the good work :D first time in several days that I read a really good fanfic
Oh and btw have a moustache
544920 well she does like teleport all the time. thats not an easy spell. she also got rid of the ura in one go, and these spells were minor ones mostly, only a few higher level ones. she's obsessed with organization, so she has the concentration and focus>>544926 that made my day
545149
Your welcome
I like it.
Needs an update though
576222 im focusing on crimson night right now, planning on finishing i before i lose this epic writing spree I've had for six days