- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Dark0592
Here lies the wistful delusions of the sleep addled mind. Actually wait, no, just me.
Dark0592
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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i shall check this later sounds good
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, while having potential, this needs work.
So far this looks like a screen play a scaffold of events, jumping between lines of dialogue rather than presenting a complete story that immerses the reader in the world the author creates. Right now you have a skeleton with no connective tissue. As a reader I can see what the story is about, but there’s no detail or description bar absolute minimum where no dialogue exists to link events together.
That’s not to say you don’t have something here, the concept is intriguing and the ground work is all there. You just need to put some flesh on the bones and I reckon you’ll have the workings of a really indulgent read
This has potential, but there are numerous grammatical errors, Clean them up and this will be much better.
502204 this is just a short little side story while I take a break from my other stories, but yeah I felt that way while I was writing. later chapters will have much more detail
At first I was like
then I was like
and then I was like 
Then I was like
andrewjpatrick.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/get-on-with-it1.png
I can't wait for the next chapter(s).
510431 the next few chapters will be of the individual pairs, one pair per chapter. some of them will interwtine, some of them won't. they'll all technically happen at the same time. premonition for the future, it's going ot be fun writing all of them drunk off their flanks!
510532 Drunk+pony+lesbians=
nightlifekc.com/images/4/media/2012/02/15/Duh-Winning.jpg
This is cute! But then... I ALWAYS like Rarijack
511051 was going to go with appledash, but I don't see Rarity and Pinkie together so I modified it to my more common pairings, because I wanted to keep the FlutterLuna
511196 And, seriously, Appledash has been DONE. A LOT. I just think Rarijack works a bit better, because Applejack and Rainbow Dash would be better friendly rivals, than lovers. Applejack and Rarity have the most awesome opposites attract vibe. A good writer CAN make Appledash work, and I've read some good ones, but it's not my fave.
You also got my OTHER favorite pairing, too. I'm a big fan of Twilestia.
511209 I love the Twilestia/ Twiluna pairings. and I haven't written a real Appledash yet so I wanted to try it, but circumstances called for Rarijack
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/194/780/78562%20-%20Molestia.jpg
513393.......
this is going to end up being a three part series of chapters, and there's going to be identical sections for the other pairs
Nice of Celestia to have a disguise handy.
Opposites Attract Duet. I like it. :D
The preparation/setting up section was very reminiscent of The Matchmaker Game by UnderCover. Which IS AWESOME, so I will favourite this and wait for new content
523646 I got inspired to write this while reading luna the matchmaker, and if the one you're talking about is the one with Pinkie playing matchmaker then I'm following that one too
Looking forward to the new chapters! This is awesome!
524015 Yeah, the one one where she ties up Twilight and RD, that's is just good storytelling
Could use some work with the character building, story telling and description but apart from that it's pretty good.
529541 eh, when you've made enough character building to go across how many fics ive written it gets kinda repetitive
529572
Still, it's a necessary part of writing, since some people won't read your other stories.
529638 I know, i still try. it's just that it doesn't come as easily anymore with couples I've written before
529819
Ah, right. If anything, they should be easier to write.
529914 I don't like to use the same things in different stories, at least my popular ones, so coming up with new story building techniques that I haven't used yet is kinda difficult.
I like the way you are making the relationship gradual, so it's kinda realistic. To many times are these things rushed.
541695 indeed. and on that note. i wish each chapter was just a little bit longer. ya really get into it and then the page bottems out and your like FFFFFfFFFFF.. :P
541703 I stop at 4 or five pages in my word doctuments
541816 forgot to put in the hangover so I just slid that little piece of bs right in there
Hey it's MLP, I want to believe such a spell exists.
FIFY
541885 well, this is the MLP in MY mind...anything and everything can happen
i like this but you forgot two things, first spell check then go over it again to find what spell check missed.
Story is really nice, I'm looking forward to what will happen with the other couples. By the way, withers are between a horse's shoulders if I'm not mistaken.
557857 I've seen it used in this way before so that's what I say.
541885 I wouldn't be surprised if Celestia developed the spell after one particularly bad/good night of drinking
Reading this giggling like a school filly at thier antics. Need more pleae.
628030 I'm currently debating whether to pick this one back up or to continue crimson dawn...
628125
Damn, I want both to continue so bucking much! I love this because of it's offbeat style and humour. (I don't MIND the clop, but it is the only thing I find offsetting(but it does belong here so whatev)
Then there is Crimson Dawn, which is definitely awesome and I really want to see it continue(my only annoyance with that is it's obvious manga references, not a fan of manga, but amazing story none the less)
So there my ups and downs on the opinion. Infact I was quite useless there. lol. You should try to work on both, because they both deserve to be finished.
628270 Manga reference? not that I remember...might have unintentionally put anime/manga-ish stuff in there
Anko I just like the name for a teacher, badass and tough.
628602
Kitsune, Kit-chan, and a few other's, That is manga right. I have a friend into it. Maybe it's actually part of their culture,in which i will now say "Damn, I'm an idiot."
628628 yeah it is, '-chan- is an affectionate femenine, or pet name like, suffix in asian cultures. pets or stuffed animals or best friends. -kun is the male version, -sama is lord or lady etc etc... Kitsune is either japanese or Korean i can't remember.
So now I feel like a bigotted ass hahahaha. Ok, sorry for that then, especially if I offended you. Still great stories, keep up the good work!
628711 lol you're actually pretty much right. I learned a lot of that from manga and anime- kinda gotta know this stuff when you used to write naruto fanfics as much as i write these ones now- and you're not an ass hole. bigot maybe a bit
635630 lol that's awesome
gameinformer.com/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-ImageFileViewer/CommunityServer-Discussions-Components-Files-14492/8420.264_5F00_huge.jpg_2D00_610x0.jpg
Please?
I can't help but
at this, it is hilarious 
.
yeah, sees to random ponies in a bar, one claims to be the princess to get her hands on a centuries old liquor.
Other then that keep up the good job.
I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP DAMN IT.
A few grammatical errors, capitalization of names, missing first letters if words. I would tell you where they all are but I'm on my phone and about to go to sleep. But this story is gold, I look forward to more updates.
642023 manager was a customer of rarity's and they were friends, so he would be much more trusting