The little side notes in parentheses within the text really need to come out; ideally, you could find a way to more organically convey the information, or you could stick it in the story summary if they're that critical. Not sure what the point of the age one is anyway - if it's not critical, you might want to take it out and save yourself the headache of keeping the ages matched with their human equivalents.
It all feels a bit too info-dump-ish, and Luna's complete non-reaction to Twilight casually dropping that she's been Celestia's personal protege for ten years comes off as a bit odd - in fact, it's odd that Luna doesn't at least know Twilight's name. Twilight certainly doesn't help this by never giving it to her, of course.
You play-by-play the details of a conversation which is, frankly, incredibly boring. It might be a good idea to step back a bit and just abstract the little incidentals of the conversation - a paragraph saying they chatted as they walked and highlighting the important details would cut out clutter. Characterization could use work, too - Luna and Twilight feel like cookie-cutter college girls.
I know this review has been very critical, but I think it needs to be. Your work needs a lot of polish in a lot of respects before it even stands out in the crowd of other 'FiM in high school/college' fics, let alone FiM fanfic in general.
478516 thanks for all of the feedback, I'm trying a new sort of story...I normally don't write something like this so the feedback is welcome, chapter two is already written so it might still have some of these problems but changes will be implemented as I write chapter 3
I like it so far, the writing is pretty good but there are some minor details I noticed that were left out of forgotten or something. Otherwise I like it so far and think you should continue this.
478738 If you're trying to add side notes, try this: add those stars (*)(astericks, I think they're called) in front of every point you want to make a note on. Then, at the end of the chapter, add the side note. E.G: “It is. Now, I don't want to ruin this for you so you get to have the full experience. And by the way, remember that you are in fact sixteen...” Celestia said.*
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*Think of the ages as in something similar to dog years. She is sixteen but in our years she'd be about 25.
hmm... hated the notes in between the story telling us what is what, that could have been done in a better way, like making the explanation a part of the story... then there is the dialog... some of it could use a bit of "handy work" and an editor over it might not have been a bad idea... it was a bit to jumpy and well... rather amateurish (no offense), the idea seems fine with the story, being a somewhat different universe, not sure how nightmare moon fitted into it.. that was rather vague...
Aside from a few things some others pointed out, there's a bone I have to pick with you here. The dialogue. It's jumpy, somewhat of an amateur mistake. (no offense meant) and it's kind of butchered, maybe work on strengthening that.
More please, I've enjoyed it despite that minor detail.
*grins with the intensity of a thousand suns*
continue...
The little side notes in parentheses within the text really need to come out; ideally, you could find a way to more organically convey the information, or you could stick it in the story summary if they're that critical. Not sure what the point of the age one is anyway - if it's not critical, you might want to take it out and save yourself the headache of keeping the ages matched with their human equivalents.
It all feels a bit too info-dump-ish, and Luna's complete non-reaction to Twilight casually dropping that she's been Celestia's personal protege for ten years comes off as a bit odd - in fact, it's odd that Luna doesn't at least know Twilight's name. Twilight certainly doesn't help this by never giving it to her, of course.
You play-by-play the details of a conversation which is, frankly, incredibly boring. It might be a good idea to step back a bit and just abstract the little incidentals of the conversation - a paragraph saying they chatted as they walked and highlighting the important details would cut out clutter. Characterization could use work, too - Luna and Twilight feel like cookie-cutter college girls.
I know this review has been very critical, but I think it needs to be. Your work needs a lot of polish in a lot of respects before it even stands out in the crowd of other 'FiM in high school/college' fics, let alone FiM fanfic in general.
478516 thanks for all of the feedback, I'm trying a new sort of story...I normally don't write something like this so the feedback is welcome, chapter two is already written so it might still have some of these problems but changes will be implemented as I write chapter 3
I like it so far, the writing is pretty good but there are some minor details I noticed that were left out of forgotten or something. Otherwise I like it so far and think you should continue this.
Moar!!!!!
478738
If you're trying to add side notes, try this: add those stars (*)(astericks, I think they're called) in front of every point you want to make a note on. Then, at the end of the chapter, add the side note.
E.G:
“It is. Now, I don't want to ruin this for you so you get to have the full experience. And by the way, remember that you are in fact sixteen...” Celestia said.*
-----
*Think of the ages as in something similar to dog years. She is sixteen but in our years she'd be about 25.
hmm... hated the notes in between the story telling us what is what, that could have been done in a better way, like making the explanation a part of the story... then there is the dialog... some of it could use a bit of "handy work" and an editor over it might not have been a bad idea... it was a bit to jumpy and well... rather amateurish (no offense), the idea seems fine with the story, being a somewhat different universe, not sure how nightmare moon fitted into it.. that was rather vague...
Aside from a few things some others pointed out, there's a bone I have to pick with you here. The dialogue. It's jumpy, somewhat of an amateur mistake. (no offense meant) and it's kind of butchered, maybe work on strengthening that.
More please, I've enjoyed it despite that minor detail.