DEF-Pwny
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First thumb is a down? Have a thumb up, just to balance it out.
Edit - and just finished reading. A little rough, with numerous spelling mistakes, but a good story nonetheless. If you want Swagg, i can draw up a comment to point out the mistakes i noticed so you can fix em.
I smell Twiluna here
me too Pinkie. me too
this is very interesting!
1974983 Hehe... I actually didn't expect anyone to read this. But thank you for the comment, I appreciate it thoroughly
Not actually finished reading the chapter yet, but I had to stop and comment only a few paragraphs in to point out one thing. Twilight is not a filly. Filly, at least in the show, is only used for the younger characters like the CMC. Twilight's a mare.
I'm fairly sure none of the adult characters have been referred to as fillys except in flashbacks.
1987606 I used the term filly as a comparative thing. Compared to Celestia, she is just a filly. I do believe I refer to her as a mare later on. And if not, then I certainly will in future chapters. (Thanks for the criticism, it all helps)
No problem. And I just realized I forgot to comment on the chapter as a whole.
I like it. It's a good setup chapter for the conflict to come, and even though I'm pretty sure Twilight wasn't about to confess her feelings for Luna(my guess is that she was going to mention the night sky), it will make for a good point of confusion on Luna's part.
Sooo comment time. here's some comment advice/critique of this chapter.
(I'm no expert though)
Not sure what was up with Twilight suddenly pushing away Rainbow Dash (and her other friends?) as that seemed to come out of left field. Also not sure what Twilight was thinking as she wasn't told about what the trip entails, as far as we know. The format could use some spacing between paragraphs and scene transitions so its less wall of texty. For the authors notes, maybe use the authors notes function instead of placing it in the story text (not sure on how, don't ask me)
Other stuff about the chapter, I'll admit I was slightly confused by the passage of time and didn't think it was very clear. Twilight mentions wanting to go to Rarity's, goes home, cuts to Rainbow and Flutters, then over to Rarity's at night, then over to Applejacks the next morning (with no paragraph breaks or "~" markings at that transition point btw) then over to Twilight's at which point eventually I was able to infer that this was the "three days" Celestia gave her. I was also confused as to why Twilight was holing herself up and going off on her friends. You'd think she would try to spend as much time with them as possible. Wondering if the fire has any future relevance, or any relevance at all really.
Personal opinion time! I really can't stand Twidash, and judging by Rainbow's lack of character tag and name in the description, I'm fairly sure/desperately hoping Rainbow's crush/love won't go anywhere and she'll go hook up with Flutters or Pinkie or something. Hoping the romance is a Twiluna (as the first chapter and tags would indicate.)
So now I assume the prologue is over and we're moving into the adventure portion of the story.
2001853 Wow, that was incredibly long, and I will admit that I did want the formatting to be better, but it seems that FimFiction is a complete douche when it comes to holding the original format for a story. I can attempt to fix the formatty errors etc. And I think that you should be more specific on what I could do, I thought it made sense, considering that she would have to break away to keep the split up later on from being so meh. Besides she would be sooooo busy attempting to figure out what the hell was going on, she would become stressed. And when Rainbow starts to get all MEH she snaps. Or something like that.
Hints of both TwiLuna and TwiDash, that can't be good. They're my two favorite ships, but they're mutually exclusive, which means at least one of my three favorite characters is not going to be having a good time in this story.
I'm also confused about how Twilight's been treating her friends, especially RD. There wasn't anything in the letter about needing to keep this a secret, and I'm not quite sure how she inferred that she needed to create an emotional break between herself and the closest friends she's ever had. It seems strange and extremely out of character for her.
2002392
While i can understand why you want to break the relationships somewhat between Twi and her friends... it doesn't need to happen.
Nothing was noted that she needed to keep that a secret. Still, it seems out of character for Twilight to just up and blow off Dash like that, as well as resorting to almost physically throwing her out of the Library, too. I bet if you changed it to let Dash know Celestia's got an important task for Twilight, it would flow into Dash backing off and give Twi her space, knowing how obsessive Twilight seems to get, from the show. That may not end that scene as shockingly as it does currently, but it also doesn't make it seem like Twilight sort-of knows what's going to happen, where she won't be with her friends, without actually knowing (based on the description and character tags, anyways) what is to come.
2002927 Ok, so what you're saying is that I should go back and change that aspect, to where RD realizes something is wrong earlier on, then give Twilight a larger role with her friends? As for the TwiDashyness I have something in mind for later on, but it won't be SUPER demanding of another tag. Her friends won't play any role this time around, except for as some background story to start with. And I have an idea of how to clear up some of the questions on what the hell Twilight was doing, and maybe I could throw something in involving what happened after the fact. With Rainbow. Also did you guys really think that my timing wasn't there? As in when it was night and when it was day, or what day it was? I could really use more feedback on that aspect as well. I really do appreciate your views, and I can promise this next chapter will hold more answers. (As I said in the A/N)
SO I HAVE A PROPOSITION: I could make a short chapter including what happened between Twi and why she acted as she did, or I can continue as I was going to and kinda weave it into the story. Either way will work, considering I don't attempt to write my chapters until I get feedback of some form. You guys are basically shaping what happens inadvertently and aesthetically. KEEP IT UP
2003141
Kinda. That was a suggestion on one way to fix it.
It's not that, it just the scene seemed so out of the blue.
So, one giant flashback chapter, or scenes of it scattered throughout? I'm more tempted to say go for the second, as it's rarely ever done.
2002392
yeah, most of my comments are either long or short. short usually for "this is interesting." long for "here's my thoughts on this chapter."
and yeah, I have heard that about FimFiction and formating, depending on what you use to write the story (Word, GDocs, the FimFiction word thingy) I think I heard somewhere to add the correct paragraph spacing you had to basicially space it again for FimFiction. (maybe play around with it with the edit button sometime and get a feel for it.) If not, I have NO idea as I don't write.
For the timing, I could tell it was night and that it was skipping ahead, but it took me a little while to realize why. (three days passing) I suppose because Twilight was musing she might go visit Rarity and then when it eventually cut to Rarity I was expecting Twilight to show up. Its probably not as big an issue as the Twilight/Dash scene.
As for the proposition, I have no idea. It would really depend on the flow of the story, Twilight's emotional state after attempting a break with her friends, how long it would take to reveal it over time, and how much it would change the story later on. if the answers are "It fits here" "she's still kinda sore up about it" "a long time" "not very much" then do a short chapter about it. Otherwise over time might be better.
Either way, I'll look forward to the next chapter.
2003579 HEY GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS, I MADE EDITS!!! Go back and read Twilight and Dash's first part, then the confrontation. Both are different, to match the mood. Etc.
2003598
definitely better
2003630 Glad ya think so, I should be able to get another chapter done in a few days.
I hope you can tell me what's wrong with that one too!
2003598
Much.. MUCH better. It feels like something Twilight would do, instead of just blowing Dash off like she did originally.
I agree, this chapter is much better now. And I'm relieved that Twilight and Dash wont be separating for who knows how long on bad terms.
I was told about this by some guy on YouTube who sent me a video. Normally I don't trust YouTube links, but this is awesome. No offense, person who sent me the link.
2007774 Whoa, just because I am Def-Pwny and BronyMastermind doesn't mean anything.........yet.
I like it.
2023411 That's cause you're a sexy beast. I love you.
2027387 I love you too. <3 also check out my fic if you haven't.
Good chapter. It always depresses me a bit when Twilight isn't a magical badass, but since she hasn't really seen any life or death combat before it makes sense in this story. I just hope she's able to toughen up some and join in the fights.
Also, I really wasn't expecting the TwiLuna to start this early. There were some hints to Twilight's feelings for her in the first chapter, but this is the first we've seen that Luna may care for her back. I hope we get some more from Luna's perspective so we can see what she thinks of Twilight.
2036908 Yep, I tried to be more thoughtful in this 'un. I also reeeeealllly appreciate it when you read mah stuff. As for Luna's feelings, well be gettin' into that stuff a bit later.
Thanks for the shout out, I'll be verbally assaulting your work again this chapter. Don't take it the wrong way. So here's my comment input.
First off, I would recommend checking out the editor group and the proofreader group. Both an editor and proofreader are excellent for any writer. Most of the bigger stories have one, and I even know of one that has three, so don't take it the wrong way when I suggest getting one. It's not a "this is so bad it needs an editor" thing.
Now for the actual meat of the comment. There were a lot of little mistakes or things that seemed slightly "off", one of the reasons I suggested a proofreader/editor/prereader. I really don't have the time to search out all of those. As for scenes that felt "off", Luna smacking a guard might have been a little much. If she was an "ice princess" her reaction probably would have been something like coldly telling the guard he was mistaken, and if he made such mistakes again he would be fired or something. Hitting your guards isn't a good way to ensure loyalty and whatnot.
I've always been more of a sucker for slow burn romance, as well as one or both of the people involved having reasons for the romance. Usually that translates to them just having spent a significant amount of time together or something. Here it almost feels like Twilight is "I has crush on Luna" and then Luna just ups and kisses her. Why. Why does Twilight have a crush on Luna and why does Luna apparently have a crush on Twilight are the questions that should be asked. An example of an answer would be like "One night while stargazing, I saw you dancing among the stars. With the way the stars in your mane blended into the sky, it was like a piece of the awe-inspiring night sky had been given form in a beautiful indigo body. From that moment on, whenever we would see each other and talk, I would catch myself thinking of that night, and that beautiful dance you did among the stars. Eventually, I knew it was something other than friendship I felt for you." Just don't fall into the "they love each other because" trap some fanfics do.
Understandable with the "Twi isn't a magical badass so she's gonna have some trouble adjusting to the new situation" angle. I wonder if she's going to get some kind of PTSD from that.
So the mission has become overthrow the government. Not sure why Luna and Twilight themselves had to go on the trip, as this seems more like a Black Ops operation that the government would want full deniabliity for. In addition, it's somewhat hard for an alicorn to go unnoticed when there is only three.
2037013 Okay, sooooooo as for the "Ice Princess" thing, it's basically implying that she lost control. At least for a moment, at Twi's expense. On the romance, I can personally ensure that there is more. Personally, I tell you! As for the whole "Why the hell is Luna going?" thing, I can allay you're fears that it isn't completely useless. When in fact, the reason does come up in the next chapter.
I can see you're face now, when you read the reasons, and I drink your sweet, sweet, tears. Well, I mean. I guess that tears are actually salty....but you get the idea.
OH YEAH I HAVE A NEW RELEASE TODAY!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kioOd7GBJo
Have a hoof /]
I get the feeling (mostly from the possible dream message from Celestia) that Twilight was actually sent out of town for her own protection instead of sending her of into danger.
Almost as if Celestia had the chance to save herself OR Luna and Twilight OR one of the other elements.
How did all that happen?
Luna and Twilight are off on a distraction.
The Real action is in Canterlot... A Canterlot already taken by the Romaneans.
2041109 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I love you.
if I may make a bit of a suggestion... you might want to work on the fluidity of the story while it was good it was a bit choppy in places and seemed to jump around a bit. For instance, during the dinner Clestia could have taken the time to explain the whole situationand allowed Twilight time to plan. speaking as an over obsessed borderline OCD organizer the more information we have that is relevant will allow us to make a better plan counter plan backup plan and back up to the backup. Twilight will not take kindly to being thrown into the deep end with no real idea of what is going on and while her quick thinking will allow her to get out of the worst of the situations we all know she doesnt perform well under stress.
With that being said I give it 5 Mustaches
2075920 At that point Celestia seemed to need to talk to Luna more than Twilight. Considering the fact that she had promised to talk to her later. And She needed to offer Twilight the chance to think over what she needed her to do. Even if the details were obscure, and the reason she told her in a second letter later. (The letter will become more evident over time)
So in all, I think you should probably read beyond the first chapter..........
And you can have 5 /]/]/]/]/]'s
(PS. Sorry for the lateness of my story for all you guys that are keeping up with it. I had computer troubles and now I'm working on a reeallly big music project. Might have it done by Friday.....)
So haven't really got the time to do a longer comment like before due, sadly enough, to real-life time concerns,
So I thought the scene in Little Trottingham served no purpose, and could easily have been cut out and replaced with one line, or had something added to add Rainbow's motivations or character, like confessing stuff while drunk. other than that I thought the chapter was fine.
2093274
Yay! A partofthewaydecentchapter!!!!
This is cause for celebration!!!!!!!!
I honestly didn't expect for anything to become drunk. I guess I was wrong. Great story so far, though. It definetly deserves the fav I gave it.
Secret PinkieDash is Secret!
Pinkie Promise!
2093506 In my original concept for the story, I did actually plan for Pinkie to secretly love Rainbow. But as it were, the concept couldn't hold up to the mobility of the story.
So, I may do a one shot if you'd like? Just reply the affirmative, and it shall be DONE!
Have a hoof /]
2093494 NO, you deserve the sexy that is sexy on your sexy, get it sexy? Good, sexy.
(Really though, I reeallly do enjoy your viewz!)
Have a hoof! /]/]/]
I like where this is going. Also, I don't see anything wrong with this one, other than the usual spelling mistakes. I can point them out if you wish.
Okay, so I'm finally getting around to review this fic. Just as a heads up, sorry if things sounds harsh, it's not my itnention, but I just get very 'in the zone' when it comes to critiques is all. Also, expect this to be long.
Opening paragraph:
This is entirely personally opinion, but I dislike the how movie style sweeping introduction. I prefer to just get straight in there with emotions or talking or whatnot. LIke I said, personal opinion, but I find it acts as a better hook to get reader's attention immediately. For example, in this fic, you could have started off with Twilight being super happy, singing, dancing, whatever.
Yeah the opening is really slow which is something I'm not a fan of. It's also kinda boring because you summarise everything and therefore there's no real character dynamics or anything going on. Perhaps a better starting point is Twilight being woken up or something. Really, it's up to you.
"The edge of the lake was still and there were no signs of anypony out here. Which in itself seemed slightly strange, with the weather and all. "
This sentence is awkward because the second half feels as though it should be attached to the first. Currently the fullstop in the middle disrupts the flow and makes it feel clunky. The sentence following it is also off because it just feels tagged on. Yes, we can see how ti connects (weather-RD), but in terms of sentence structure, it doesn't connect. It's also a really short sentence in the middle of nowhere when there's no need for it to be a short sentence or for one to be there at all. I'd personally suggest tagging something onto that sentence like "and everypony knew how much time she spent napping rather than doing her work" or something like that so we can get an idea of what Twilight thinks about RD.
"She took a decided glance into the water and made sure her mane was intact. After she had showered twice and brushed her hair into the smooth silkiness she would expect. The reflection was interrupted by ripples coming from the other side of the lake. She look around and noticed that there were a few birds perched by the tree on the side of the lake."
This entire section is very awkward and I'll go through why. First of all, that first sentence just does not make sense to me and is probably a simple error. The second sentence does not relate to the first or second in any manner especially with the way you decided to start it off. Something like "After all, she had showered twice" would help with that.
The thrid sentence is just plan short and this is a real issue. You've already got two short simple sentences preceeding it and so to have a third makes the writing seem stilted as though it's lurching forward slowly. Actually, this can be applied to the entire paragraph and the one following it . Vary up the sentence structure some more and that'd fix it.
The fourth sentence kinda relates, but doesn't. You need to make it clear that maybe the ripples came from the birds by implying there's no one else around for whatnot. Yes, you do that the next sentence, but each line should naturally flow from one onto the other and it kinda doesn't do that well right now.
"and started babbling, her nerves getting the better of her."
This is slightly redundant. The following words makes it clear she's babbling and from what we know, Twilight always babbles around Celestia (most likely from nerves).
"Celestia placed a gentle forehoof over her pupils mouth and showed that she understood. The filly blushed and knew she had nothing to worry about."
Okay, this will probably result in a show vs tell debate, but these two things need to be shown and not told. When it comes to emotions, it is always better to show than tell as a general guide. When Celestia and Luna appear, write about Twilight panicing (to show her nerves) and then when Celestia places a hoof to Twilight's mouth and smile, have Twilight slowly calm down. Write it out, show us this happening. Like the next bit for example! Twilight turns to Luna and is totally casual and this shows us something.
"Twilight was dumbfounded, but not just because of her need to prove herself, but Luna too?"
Once again, show vs tell. The way I would personally do this is "Sure, being tested was nothing out of the ordinary and Twilight had been tested multiples times in the past, but Luna? Not that Twilight would ever question Princess Celestia, of course not, why the very thought made her sick to the stomach, but..." blah, blah, blah.
Yep, you definitely have a flow issue. Lots of short sharp sentences on after another thus making the scenes feel stilted and very awkward. Just vary it up a bit more and you'll be totally fine. I'm going to stop pointing these out now since they're eeeeeeverywhere.
" rainbow colored tom-colt and orange filly companion"
Bad description. Very,v ery, very bad description. RD is not rainbow colored (her mane is) and AJ isn't a filly (I thought you were refering to Scoots there). Also, there's no reason to do things like this, rather you can just say their names.
"I wonder where all this rain is coming from, were we scheduled for rain today? thought the worrying unicorn. "
If you're going to do thoughts like this, I suggest you italicise it so it's more obvious and put quotation marks around them or whatever.
As a side note, I expected some mental wrestling from Twilight as she's caught between wanting to please the princess and injuring her.
"A unicorn that had become rather emotional at the extremely sad tale."
Once again, show not tell and you do it decently right after this sentence. Take it out, maybe throw in some stuff above with Twilight's reactions when Luna's talking, etc and it'd flesh out the scene a lot. Also, Twilight crying like that is really random in my opinion. The hug though, is dead on. Also, more depth on Luna's reaction to finding out about star gazing would be epic. Have her maybe a tad curious, a tad cautious, not entirely certain of how to approach it. Just over all adorableness really.
"Is this what it feels like to have friends?"
Flesh this out. Seriously, flesh this out more. Devote a paragraph or four to it. Describe the dinner and how they react to each other. The laughter, the joy and amusement. Have Luna be included in it and have her reflect on how things were in the past. This is such a perfect opportunity to flesh out her backstory and her state now that it's a shame you didn't. Don't tell us she opened up, show it to us.
"Luna couldn't help but notice the way she hummed while she worked. And decided to do the "friendly" thing and help her out. "
Firstly take out the fullstop. Secondly, maybe have Luna reflect on whether or not it was the friendly thing to do or something like that. Give her that little bit of self doubt as she tries to adjust to modern times and stuff.
"thus"
Stop using this word. Seriously. It's very archaic and so sticks out like a sore thumb everytime you do. There is always a better word to use even if it's a "therefore".
Okay, so big overview. The biggest issue in this fic is the flow so fix that up and it'd improve a lot. Secondly, show not tell. Show us all the emotions and juicy details. Fix those two up and it'd improve your writing a lot.
There is a bit of OOC going on with Luna and Celestia, but they're highly maliable characters to begin with so I'm withholding judgement for now.
"Her dark purple retina scanned the inner workings of the library and wondered why she was in the floor."
No. Just.... just no. Please do not do this, never do this unless you're deliberately writing the entire story in that sort of tone. Why? It sounds pretenscious and over the top as though you're trying to make yourself sound smarter. Instead, just describe things normally. Avoid purple prose at all costs.
" I dunno." He replied"
That should be comma followed by lower case. This mistake pops up really often so you'll want to fix this up.
"My dearest student,"
This section should be formatted different so we can tell it's a letter at a glance.
"The buck? "
I cannot actually see Twilight thinking this unless it was soemthign really out there.
" This was not light news, so she couldn't go flaunting it around wildly."
Totally redundant.
"returning the hard stare Twilight was radiating. "
What. You cannot radiate a stare.
"Trapped under one of the fallen brambles was a familiar blue unicorn. After moving all the wood Rainbow let Trixie lie on a patch of dry ground. Soon after, she awoke to her saviors. "
Flesh this out more. Depending on when this fic takes place, there's a range of emotions that could happen, but in the very least there should shock.
"After a quick exchange of questions and answers, the group of five left Trixie, who had apparently been camping outside of Ponyville for the past few months. Even after all their differences had been settled she didn't feel comfortable in town with all those ponies that blamed her for the Ursa Minor attack and resented her more for the showdown between Twilight and herself. "
Once again, you should show this instead.
As a final note, I question the reason for the romance. Don't get me wrong, I love TwiDash and all that jazz, but I always feel as though romance needs a reason to be in a fic and that it shouldn't be shoved in there just for the sake of having it. I mean, in Simulacrum, the TwiDash served a very specific purpose. In Temple of the Stars, that too had a specific purpose that helped deepen the fic over all. Compare these two to Breaking Twilight where (in my opinion) the romance would have added very little over all. This is more personal opinion than anything else, but spomething of a pet peeve of mine.
Yep, calling it now, you need to fix up the flow as well the show vs tell. Once that's fixed it'll greatly improve your writing.
As a side note, the opening training sequence is... bad. Not your writing of it, but there's this type of discourse in fantasy where a poor farm boy is trained by being beaten on, which is not how it's done. Generally it starts with getting a correct stance, correct grip and correctly moving foward/back/sideways followed by having the correct swing and hitting the right places. Also, a big deal is made out of knowing reach and strength. How much is necessary, how far does the opponent have to be to just miss/hit, etc. That is how training is usually done.
2095190 Thanks man! :)
2095938 Hmmmmmm, okay. I understand the first few chapters were pretty horrid. And I do have some things in mind for the whole TwiDash thing later on. But aside from that I will attempt to avoid those mistakes.
I appreciate your input, and I love your stories! (Especially so considering you pointed out things that I didn't even know could be wrong.....)
Have a hoof! /]
2099250
Just keep in mind a lot of what I say is personal preference in what I find a good fic rather than law so take it all with a grain of salt.
(\ Right back at ya!
2099586 (Assuming that you'll continue critiquing my stuff?) Also personal preferences are best preferences, just ask Ultra, PocaRitardo, and Jarlax. They were the ones who helped me fix a major error in the second chap.
2100044 Yep, probably will unless I get super swamped by work and school and writing and stuff.
Waiting for this chapter. Wasn't disappointed. Keep up the great work.
2300455 Thanks! I thought people would be disappointed with shorter chapters......
2301873
Shorter chapters only disappoint me if they're not good. And if I have to wait WEEKS or MONTHS for a chapter, I may get a little bit angry unless the author has a good reason to not update their story. But it's all cool, I'm not disappointed... yet... Just keep up the good work, and I won't rage.