• Member Since 28th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 1st, 2014

Muslipepito


T

Luna is asked by her father to bring important medicines to her aunt, who appears to live in a little village in the Crystal Mountains. Unfortunately, she lost her way in a snowstorm as she try to join the village and is supernaturally saved by a mare, who bring her to "Reef Castle", a surreal manor hidden in the shadow of a mountain. For the two months to come, she has to stay with the only three occupants of the castle, the gardener, the servant and the master, as her life become more and more strange.

(In this universe, Alicorns aren't know by the general population, who believe that the sun and moon move by themselves; but of course all will be explained later in the story. There will possibly be a bit of clop too.)

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 13 )

I love the concept, I'm eager to see where you take this!


Minor issues aside, there were only a few things I noticed that were worth mentioning.

breathe in a nd out.

Four spaces in the middle of a word?

and there is an important risk of avalanche.

'and there is an increased risk of an avalanche.' An avalanche may be important, but there is always an increased or decreased risk of one.

Who care?

'Who cares?' When used in this context, 'cares' is always plural.

I have to say that was an excellent chapter. I am really enjoying the winter setting of the of the story, it really helps to create an isolated atmosphere.
Also:

and took advantage of the thermal source they offered.

The sentence is missing the subject, who takes advantage of the thermal source?

3559527 I forgot the inhabitants ><

3559485
Thanks!

It's good that you said that, cause there are a lot of them.:twilightoops:

Awaiting the next chapter, looking forward to seeing Twilight save luna.:twilightsmile:

I do hope that saviour is Twilight and is an alicorn.

3578365
Yes I think you can deduce it's Twilight just by looking at the character list XD and for the Alicorn thing, I can't help you, it would reveal an important part of the plot!

Nice, but just glancing through it I see a lot of issues that a quick once over should fix... (wrong words used here and there or broken sentences.) I have to stop every few words/lines and reread them just to make sure I'm following correctly.

3596745
I'm trying to find a proofreader =/ I can't do a lot for the words, it's been one year since I started to learn english, by reading stories on the website, but I still have difficulties with what word am I supposed to put or how to turn some expressions...internet is useful, but limited. Tomorrow I'll visit the proofreader group!

3596820 Wait only a year? Well then, you are doing fine! O.o

Yeah I'm sure you will get a lot of great help from the proofreader group. :)

3596835
You can learn everything, when the subject is interesting enough!

Using the tab key to start new paragraphs might help with this chapters readability in the exposition sections

3597488
Huhu, it's a good idea, I'll edit it tomorrow! Thanks :)

Well, two things. First, good job learning so quickly, most people would take another year on top (most likely). Second, this is quite an interesting and engaging idea, and I want to see more. Faved.

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