- Member Since 15th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Tuesday
The Lord Inquisitor
I let my writing do the talking.
The Lord Inquisitor
Joined 15th Dec, 2012 ·
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The Lord Inquisitor · 100k words · 103 17 · 1.9k views
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Definitely interesting, though the tense is rather weird.
I like it, though it is rather verbose. That may turn some of the younger audience away, but the older people would rather enjoy the way it's written. You did well to explain the paralells between the actual show and the humanized story, and I was rather intrugued for the different ways this could go.
All in all, a good start to something that could be great. I envy your abilities in writing.
It is quite rare to have present-tense in a story. Aside from that, I think that the paragraphs should all be separated by a full line, either that, or indentation (if not both). Also the paragraphs are a little long. You could probably split a few of them into two. Your dialogue could use a bit of work.
I'm willing to proofread if you want. I'll send you a PM with my info.
~SilentBelle
Very good i enjoyed this chapter plz if u will write more
AWESOME MY FEELINGS
Liking this I am.
Semi-steampunk you say but it sounds like desialpunk.
2798695 I'm tempted to revise the Steampunk tag as this edges towards the realistic side of things
Liking this a lot so far.
Like the world building as well.
I don't know if this is intentional or not, but several of your ranks are misspelled.
I presume you mean the E-4 rank of "Corporal" or CPL
rank/title of "Sergeant" or SGT, SSG, SFC (E-5 Sergeant, E-6 Staff Sergeant, E-7 Sergeant First Class)
2919035
It's intentional.
Caporal is a rank in the French Foreign Legion, you'll see quite a few ranks from the Legion as the story goes on. For instance their Major is equivalent to our RSM and their Sergeant is spelled 'Sergent'.
Any ranks will either be Foreign Legion ranks or they will be British armed forces ranks.
Thanks for pointing out the misspelling of sergeant however
I generally don't like humanized all that much, or rather gritty war fics for that matter, so the fact that I'm enjoying reading this (or at least feeling anger at the proceedings) is a testament to your story-telling skills. Not really sure how to feel about the Celestia you've made, feels kinda tyranty but too vague to really pass judgement but I don't really like her. I'm also very curious to see the TwiDash develop/ reappear since this is a romance after all. Anyways keep on writing I'll be here... watching from the shadows.
One word... DAM
wow diplomatic, didn't know he had it in him. this guy just went up on my badass meter by a couple of notches.
Didn't Dash have an eye patch?
2965279 thanks for pointing that mistake out.
2965907
You are very welcome.
I'm really enjoying this story, there must be a lot of thought behind it.
fucking celestia, sticking her big immortal nose where it doesn't belong!
2983235
Oh don't you worry about that
I'm doing my set dressing right now, but things will start exploding in the very near future.
so, she says she doesn't want the baggage restarting the relationship would bring, but she starts pulling out their old pet names for each other? don't get me wrong, i SO want them to get back together, but i'll never understand the way twilight thinks sometimes.
Ohhhh the emotional rollercoaster of past love....Love is one of the wost powerfully healing and destroying forces in the universe.....But she does have a point there is a huge difference between shooting a target of wood and killing another person to watch that light in their eyes slowly fade
2983235>>2921975
TWO MILITARY RANKS I SEE!!!
...it sucks I can't use those to be special... I'm already a Captain myself...
you shall be CPT and you shall be CPL
3052645
I like to build my battles up, like a fine wine or a good woman. That being said, there will be a battle soon.
3052875
It could be even worse, I almost thought using Iranian ranks for the Khanate was a good idea. Then when I sobered up the next morning I realized no one would have a flying fig of an idea what I was on about.
3057517
If you are a captain, then sir is not necessary...
...everybody calls me sir already so it gets old...
2939676 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of how Celestia is portrayed in this either, but otherwise that's my only real gripe with this fic; overall I like it a lot and look forward to more!
Oooh, flying super dreadnoughts!
this can't end well. luna's a warhound. they are so fucked.
And so Let Equestria dip out from it's shell of wooden desighn as thrust itself into the folds of metal.
Now they can truly build Warships
Let loose the hounds of war for on the day these ships are released all of Hell shall sing
Reading the description of the ship this came to mind.
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110319050953/lastexile/images/3/3d/Urbanus01.jpg
Not a perfect fit but still badass.
And there's four of them, one for each princess perhaps?
Phew, this is damn excellent so far. There are some grammar mistakes and odd pacing, but the setting and characters are absolutely gripping. I love the references to the French Foreign Legion as well. Fav'd.
3125649
Would make sense considering their names.
Umbra -- Luna
Corona -- Celestia
Heart of War -- Cadance
Crimson Sunset -- Twilight
3199546
I know it makes sens.
But who knows Luna may be keeping them all to herself.
Well worded and very detailed. I have high hopes for this fic.
Don't fuck it up.
I read the first sentence of this chapter and I am already impressed.
3290632
I'm glad you're liking it, I hope Legionnaire won't dissapoint.
I must say you have infinitely interested and curious so far.
So I'm kind of loving this so far, and have no idea what all the down-votes are about. Some people just don't go for the humanized thing, I guess. You've got some cool world-building going on, and I'm quite interested to find out what happens next. I really hope this story continues to be updated, but thanks for sharing what you have so far.
Good chapter i guess, wish it was a bit longer though like the story a lot.
Well this was certainly worth the wait.
And I know I'm repeating myself but your world building is just amazing.
3007706 How I Met Your Mother had an episode about this. Revertigo. When you meet up with someone from your past you tend to regress. For instance, I go over to my parents' house for a week, and my independence starts to fade for a little bit. Then I go back home and I'm back to the way I usually am.
3512116
My chapters are forecast to get longer from this point out. I've also given the plot a substantial overhaul. Thus, chapters are going to take longer to get out of the barn, but they'll be all the better for it.
Dun dun dun!!!
May those who would deify Equestria kneel before her gaze, or lie dead under the boots of her Legions.
This is Kalash93 of WRITE. I am reading your story and shall have the full review up and posted within the next few days.
Review comment moved to most recent chapter.
This is Kalash93 of WRITE with the requested review of your story. I apologize for how long it took, but, alas, university hates free time.
Initial expectations were low. However, first impressions were good, and the story got better as it progressed.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
Grammar, boy, go fix it! The grammar in your fic has a bewildering array of problems. First and most obvious problem: dialogue punctuation. Your fic is heavy in dialogue. It’s such a shame that you don’t have a clue how to punctuate it properly. When you change speaker, you MUST start a new paragraph. It’s not a suggestion, it’s a RULE. If Twilight is talking to Celestia, when Celestia answers her, start a new paragraph! Grammatical rules are standard, and adherence to them is expected. Get a proofreader. You desperately need to review how to use commas. Look online at the Purdue Owl for more on that. You, author, need to place a comma to separate the name when making direct addresses. A direct address is when one character calls another by name. “I saw Princess Luna” =/= “I saw, Princess Luna”. The former means that I saw Princess Luna. The latter means that I am telling Princess Luna that I saw something. You need to include Oxford commas in your lists. An Oxford comma is the comma which is placed before the conjunction indicating the final item on a list. There is a big difference between “I found the strippers, JFK, and Khrushchev” and “I found the strippers, JFK and Khrushchev.” The former indicates that you found JFK, Khrushchev, and strippers. The latter indicates that you found the strippers, who are JFK and Khrushchev. You have a number of run-on sentences. Example: “Luna knows that should have, would have and could have are not good human traits to be emulating, however it's one thing on an intellectual level, and another on a more personal level, seeing eighty stretchers arranged along a corridor in the destroyer and knowing that she is responsible for those stretchers being there.” To fix it, rewrite is as: “Luna knows that should have, would have, and could have, are not good human traits to emulate. However, it's one thing on an intellectual level, but quite another on a personal level, to see eighty stretchers arranged along a corridor in the destroyer and know that she is responsible for those stretchers being there.”
My second complaint is the Khanate. They are not very compelling villains. This is unfortunate, because you have done such a good job with other parts of the plot and setting. However, the motives and objectives behind your main antagonist are still underdeveloped. As much as you have done to set the stage and tensions, you have failed to give a rationale as to why the Khanate wants to pick a fight with Equestria, and why did they choose this time to escalate things? Is Equestria occupying a piece of historically Khanate land? Are they competing for some limited resource? Is there historical enmity? Are they in a territorial dispute? If there is a deeper reason which would spoil a major upcoming plot twist, then you can give a cover which makes sense. However, the current characterization does not work. Either the current regime is trying to rally support by picking a fight with the strongest nation around, or they just suddenly decided that not liking Equestria was now a core component of foreign policy. Think carefully on this. If you have a villain who is not only dastardly and dangerous, but is also understandable, then you will have a distinguished villain.
My third complaint is the Federation. You did a wonderful job of developing your other nations, but I never exactly figured out who the Federation was supposed to be, or what their interests are, or what their relationships with the other nations are. You introduce them rather late in the fic, and much more hurriedly than the other parties, the Empire and the Khanate. They seem to be important, but it’s hard to figure them out exactly. Their existence seems to be purely for the sake of making the Khanate’s policy of superpower baiting seem marginally less suicidally illogical.
My fourth issue is with your choices of weapons. You start out not naming weapons, which is okay. Then at about five or six chapters in, you start naming Luger and Webley. WTF? I thought you weren’t using real world models, but now you are? And about the weaponry Twilight uses, I’d like to call this section “Luna is the worst loadout designer ever.” She sends Twilight with a LUGER to a DESERT region. Being in charge of the military, she should know better. Twilight has her luger replaced with a Webley MK.iv, while she is on a diplomatic mission; you really can’t conceal that sort of handgun. While there isn’t a 1:1 correspondence with earth dates and tech, because you are writing a seemingly “pre-WW1” story, there is a good, concealable handgun which would have been available for the sort of era you’re envisioning: The Colt M1911. Also, this seems like a world where nobody knows about the wonders of protective holsters or preventative maintenance. While the Webley certainly trounces the Luger in reliability, just like almost every other production military sidearm. It is not easily concealable, which is a very important thing for a diplomatic mission. The .455 Webley would not be a friendly cartridge for a novice like Twilight, while the .38/200 cartridge for converted Webleys did not become available until 1922 – postwar, compared to your prewar setting. There is no real reason for Twilight to get a side by side shotgun if it is meant to be used as a weapon by her. Give her a pump. Also, shotguns do not allow you to just simply fire any shells which fit in the hole. If they are of the proper gauge, then you can do that. However, smaller gauge shells have to be used with an adaptor, while larger gauge shells cannot be used at all. The rifle Twilight gets sounds like a Lee-Enfield carbine. Could this be the “Jungle Carbine”, which was a late WW2 weapon. If you would please use more detail in naming your cartridges apart from things like .303, that would be welcome. Ideally, use the metric. WxL when it would be fitting, because just giving the American style caliber gives rather little information. For example, the TT-33, AK-47, and SVD are all .30 cal (7.62mm) weapons, but there is a big difference between 7.62x24, 7.62x39, and 7.62x54R. It would be nice if you gave more precise caliber measurements in general, r at least bothered to say the sort of caliber a weapon fires. Also, very fucking important is the difference between a revolver and a pistol. A revolver has a rotating cylinder with ammo loaded into the chambers. A pistol has a magazine that feeds into a single chamber in line with the barrel. They are not the same. You can just call them both handguns for simplicity. At least you get the magazine-clip terminology issue correct.
My fifth complaint is that jump between too many viewpoint characters. This feels lazy in the later chapters, because it means that you are giving the reader more information than the protagonists have. As a result, it is highly likely that the reader is going to later be annoyed at characters who quite obviously have the wrong idea. It also feels lazy, because it harms your nuanced story development and strict adherence to information control. Just keep the POV’s limited to the already established ones, except for when it is absolutely necessary. Giving away the villain’s plan was a misstep. Doing this means that there is no big reveal or plot twist for late. Core mystery of what’s going on – solved, and just as things were really beginning to get intriguing. This also threatens story flow, because it eats up sections of your short chapters, forcing you to either rush your writing or bloat your chapter sized in order to fit in the same information. You have your focus characters. I advise you to stick with them.
My sixth complaint is that you are attempting to jam in too much intrigue too rapidly in the recent chapters. Within the last 9000 words, the audience has not only had the evil plan revealed to them before they were even privy to the existence of one, but they are also now dealing with the fact that there are even more players involved in this. The problem comes from introducing them without any development or foreshadowing. You are yanking new groups and species out of nowhere and acting like the reader knows, cares, or understands them. We don’t even know who they are, where they are, or what they hope to do. We never had any indications that there were second parties, but suddenly there are. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there’s a new interested party, and they‘re planning on launching a coup and installing a puppet regime. Not only was that not yet needed, but it also ruined a great potential twist. Imagine if Twilight Sparkle or Diplomatic AIncident met them and thought that they had some allies in the Khanate. And after a long relationship and many exploits, just when they think that they’ve succeeded in their mission, the truth is revealed; they’ve just made things a whole lot worse, and it’s all their fault. Imagine that twist.
Deserved praise inbound!
I absolutely must say that your worldbuilding is great. The real star of your story is the setting. You have a fascinating remix of Europe and Arabia on the eve of WW1. This is an era which gets little exploration in fiction, with the exception of some Sherlock Holmes stories and tributes. You really create the sense of adventure and make the audience feel like they truly are in another land and another time. This is probably one of my favorite alternate version of Equestria. I am not an AU reader. Whether that makes it better or worse is up to you. This fic may be the one to sell me on reading AU stories. Your method of worldbuilding is admirable. You take the time to gradually introduce more elements and develop the cultures one relevant bit at a time. What the reader learns is organic to the story and that part of the story in particular. One thing I definitely appreciate is that you struck a balance between developing exotic, fresh cultures, and using preexisting ones with a slight name change. Your worldbuilding is also aided along by your employment of fantasy counterpart cultures to real world ones. This simplifies things for the readers by making them more familiar and accessible. Apart from the prologue, which was not too bad, you have avoided slapping your audience in the face with any heaping helpings of dry information required to understand the story. The readers appreciate it when you don’t force them to swallow pounds of dry information and glossary terms just to read and understand the story. You almost exclusively use standard English words, such as skiff and airship. I personally appreciate going for more magitech and realtech as opposed to steampunk. That’s just a personal preference of mine.
You have done a great job with the plot. Going in, I was anticipating another herp-derp fic wherein Equestria gets invaded by an inferior foe for the simple reason of the antagonists collectively all being dicks. The fact that the individual Khans and Equestrians are shown as a diverse lot shows a level of nuance and care in writing, resisting the temptation to take the easy way out and make all the people on the bad guy side out to be so irredeemably bad that there is absolutely no ambiguity or hesitance in witnessing the heroes slaughter them by the dozens. The story starts out with exactly the right level of drama at an international incident. It is fantastic how you even built in a frame of reference for the consequences of what the characters do by including Princess Celestia. The part where she quite cogently second guessed Luna’s actions at the beginning was the moment when I really became involved, because you made it clear that the story was going to be far more complex and adult than similar fare. From there, you keep the story evolving and developing logically, one step at a time. I really have no idea what is going to happen next, and that is absolutely brilliant!
Your characters are good, but they are outshined by your world and your plot. The canon characters are successfully transferred to an AU quite believably. They aren’t exact copies of their canon selves, but you make it clear that they are impacted by their circumstances, and I can believe them all turning out the way they have. They maintain their important core traits while morphing to have new auxiliary traits. Their interactions and mannerisms feel natural. Diplomatic Incident is the best character. When I saw his name and then got his physical description of being a geriatric hambone, and then saw him get sent on a dangerous mission with a young, sexy woman, I immediately had two equal and opposite spikes of dread. Either he was going to be a pathetic comic relief character who got frustrated while the hot lesbians made music long into the night, or the story’s sex tag would mandate that he get loads of tail through hentai logic. Thankfully, you did neither. Diplomatic Incident is the most interesting, complex, compelling character you have. He initially seems like a fool, which is a perfect first impression to give, and certainly a deliberate one, when one learns that he is an old master of espionage. And you don’t just tell us this either; you give us sections through his eyes and confirm that he really is as good as you say. He is the true VIP on the mission. The relationship between Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash is nicely done. I really like veteran solider Dash. I also really like Princess Celestia, especially with how she really does see the bigger picture, providing absolutely vital external context for a story of this scale. Honestly, I cannot think of one wasted character.
Dialogue in your story is good. You use a lot of it, but it is all written well, in addition to being entertaining. The result is that your story does not feel too talky. You use dialogue well for the purposes of furthering plots and relationships. Nearly every conversation you write serves a purpose, either in developing the setting, developing a character, or developing a plot point. Giving the reader this sort of in-universe information really does wonders for immersion.
Pacing and story structure are spectacular. You make all your chapters just the right length to accomplish and objective while neither rushing nor dragging. You resisted the impulse to make the entire story focus on action. You are taking your time to allow the audience to understand through examples why everything is so important and exactly what the stakes are. Your story admittedly needs time to be digested and read, which is probably where the downvotes come from. Well, from that and the story not catering to cheap, boobs and bombs pandering. It becomes obvious that something very epic is going to happen soon, and it will have pervasive consequences. You slowly rachet up the suspense and tension before spiking it just as the reader is becoming complacent.
You have a great understanding of how to use and work with scenes. I can say no more than well done.
Your style is one I wish to read more often. There are so many stories in the world written in dry, dismissive styles, almost as if the story is tired of itself and trying to skip to the good part. Yours, however, is written densely. It occupies an odd niche in between a Hemmingway style which eschews anything not absolutely essential to conveying the story, and in between a Rowling style, which is elaborate and flavorful thanks to careful word choice, but never really approaches becoming purple prose. You have a mix between short and long sentences, with your focus being often fixed firmly on the character. Paragraph lengths are mixed. If anything, I’d say it’s like some of Tolkien’s work, only much more concise. You write strong descriptions and scenery with almost minimalistic efficiency, which conveys the serious, mature mood and tone of the story. Your writing feels very adult; it’s dense and challenging to read when one first begins, yet it is highly rewarding for readers who give it a chance. It is refreshing to have an adult fic marked as mature which is actually an adult story in content and in style. Your fic is not a thriller to be taken in small doses for a diversion against momentary boredom; it really demands time and reader attention to experience it in full. It’s an acquired taste, but it’s genuinely good, not to mention rather easy to cultivate.
I appreciate the effort you put into researching firearms and military things. So many authors are content to not put in the effort and or do the research, but not you. As a result, this war story really does feel like a war story. I get the impression that the Legion is a true military force. But what kind of sentry stands around with their weapon not even ready? Fix that. Your gun knowledge was not always correct, but I appreciate that you tried to keep a factual basis while not directly importing real world firearms.
Your fic is damn good, despite a few issues. I am impressed at how competently executed your story is, considering your lack of writing experience. I honestly expected this thing to be a cluster fuck, especially considering the proportion of downvotes. However, thanks to you putting in genuine effort towards writing your story, it turned out to be good. It is something I very much enjoyed reading; I wish I could say the same for more of my review assignments. You have my upvote. I will definitely remember it, and almost certainly shall I come back later to check on it. You have some issues. Grammar is the most glaring one, and desperately needs to be addressed, especially in the earlier chapters. Your story is really at the tipping point between turning into a trainwreck or being fantastic. I believe that you can pull it off provided that you do not try to handle too much at once. Get an editor, revise what you already have, and keep on going.
You win 8/10 Flutteryays, which is very good, but not quite great. With just a little more work, you can achieve greatness. Ask for me, and I would happily review for you again.
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/WRITEReviewerLogo1_zpsbcabf6df.png
Kalash93 -- Not Russian
3932293
Hey. First off, thanks for taking the time to take such an in-depth look at my story. Your comments are much appreciated and they've gone a long way towards determining where the story will go from here. I just thought I'd address some of the points you made.Your points on grammar and suchlike are noted. I've brought two new editors in to help with re-writing what I've got so far and checking out what I'm planning on writing to go forward from here.
Secondarily, to address your concerns in no particular order.
The Federation have been written out of the latest incarnation of Detonation, and will be introduced later, when more thought has gone into their use and their motivations. The Khanate are in the process of being rewritten so their back-story makes more sense and their motivations are more mysterious. That being said, the re-write is nearly complete and I have a few ideas I would appreciate your input on.
With regard to the weapons. The shotgun is not a combat weapon, or rather it's not intended to be a combat weapon.
It's meant to be a hunting weapon, which at the time would usually be a double-barreled shotgun or a hunting rifle, and given the Khan species' feline ancestry, a shotgun would be a preferred weapon since it shows how good you are at stalking a target and getting close enough to kill it without being detected. The intent of giving Twilight a hunting gun would be so that if she gets invited to go shooting by nobles, she's not having to borrow someone else's weapon, which would be a fairly big cultural misstep. When it comes to the Webley, there's a reason why Twilight's using it that will be detailed shortly.
When it comes to Luna's ecclectic choice of weaponry, Luna hasn't spent much, if any time in or around the desert. Equestria itself is mostly grassland/forest/arid scrubland, and the regular Equestrian army proper hasn't spent much time in the desert. Luna's used to the jackbooted, wool wearing, leather belted Equestrian army rather than the Legion. The Equestrian army has also been two hundred years without a significant combat deployment and so quite a few rather stupid ideas have had time to take root.
As for the WxL dimensions of the ammunition, and why I didn't include them, there are two big reasons. One reason is that Twilight wouldn't make the distinction since she's not military trained or combat oriented and she's had more important things to be studying. The second reason is that my story is fairly dense as it is, and I didn't want to put off readers by drowning them in detail. That being said, when the chapters from RD's perspective roll around, I'll be going into more detail about the weapons involved because RD is a soldier and so she'll know about WxL and so on, though I'm not sure that she'd use the metric system to measure it since this is the 1880s, however I know I probably use metric units elsewhere in this story regardless.
Anyway, I hope this clears a few things up for you and I'm sorry it took me so long to get back. I'm glad that you took the time to review the story, and I hope you continue to enjoy it as I take things further into darkness.
Oh my, the new cover art is amazing.
4185394 fear not, I am in the process of rectifying that.
This new chapter is a beauty, and it is truly massive, hence why it takes time to edit and put together, however once it's edited and ready, I swear it shall blow your socks off.