• Member Since 15th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 12th, 2020

The Lord Inquisitor


I let my writing do the talking.

Sequels1

Comments ( 144 )

Definitely interesting, though the tense is rather weird.

I like it, though it is rather verbose. That may turn some of the younger audience away, but the older people would rather enjoy the way it's written. You did well to explain the paralells between the actual show and the humanized story, and I was rather intrugued for the different ways this could go.

All in all, a good start to something that could be great. I envy your abilities in writing.

It is quite rare to have present-tense in a story. Aside from that, I think that the paragraphs should all be separated by a full line, either that, or indentation (if not both). Also the paragraphs are a little long. You could probably split a few of them into two. Your dialogue could use a bit of work.

I'm willing to proofread if you want. I'll send you a PM with my info.

~SilentBelle

Very good i enjoyed this chapter plz if u will write more

Semi-steampunk you say but it sounds like desialpunk.

2798695 I'm tempted to revise the Steampunk tag as this edges towards the realistic side of things

I have to admit I am rather liking this, I do not usually go for humanised stories but I cannot help but enjoy the quirky realism in the words you have written. I look forward to the coming chapters with great expectation!
I think the best thing going for it is its gentle nature, it reminds me somewhat of a certain television series for its style of motion and emotional theme... though not for its historical content... they are totally different peoples and worlds.
But yes, I'm trying to say you did very well!

Well handled with the emotions there!
And now it all flows into a spiral, I can guess what is about to happen and it looks good. You have managed to draw me in with this story, I just woke up and was in no real mood to read but then I saw this and just automatically clicked on it.

It wasn't until after I had read it, and enjoyed it, that I remembered I was in no mood for reading yet...
Make of that what you will... its Six PM here and I just woke up, now I'm going to go eat something...

From up here, she can see the whole city spread out before her like a tableaux, can see automobiles rolling back and forth like tiny beetles, wending their way through the legs of huge cargo loaders.

Its "Winding", there I helped! :pinkiecrazy:

Liking this a lot so far.
Like the world building as well.

I don't know if this is intentional or not, but several of your ranks are misspelled.

“Bolt Ma'am, Arc Bolt , Caporal of the Legion d'etrangers.” She replies. I've never heard of a Caporal before although I'm fairly sure I know what the two stripes embroidered upon the front of her singlet mean.

I presume you mean the E-4 rank of "Corporal" or CPL

I nod quickly, gesturing for Sargent Chapman, who is carrying a radio set, to start calling the Destroyer in to start evacuating personnel. It has not yet occurred to me to ask for the destroyer to start taking lumps out of the buildings.

rank/title of "Sergeant" or SGT, SSG, SFC (E-5 Sergeant, E-6 Staff Sergeant, E-7 Sergeant First Class)

2919035
It's intentional.
Caporal is a rank in the French Foreign Legion, you'll see quite a few ranks from the Legion as the story goes on. For instance their Major is equivalent to our RSM and their Sergeant is spelled 'Sergent'.
Any ranks will either be Foreign Legion ranks or they will be British armed forces ranks.
Thanks for pointing out the misspelling of sergeant however

I generally don't like humanized all that much, or rather gritty war fics for that matter, so the fact that I'm enjoying reading this (or at least feeling anger at the proceedings) is a testament to your story-telling skills. Not really sure how to feel about the Celestia you've made, feels kinda tyranty but too vague to really pass judgement but I don't really like her. I'm also very curious to see the TwiDash develop/ reappear since this is a romance after all. Anyways keep on writing I'll be here... watching from the shadows.

wow diplomatic, didn't know he had it in him. this guy just went up on my badass meter by a couple of notches.

Twilight stares into those bright eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to force her mind to think clearly and rationally.

Didn't Dash have an eye patch?

2965907
You are very welcome.
I'm really enjoying this story, there must be a lot of thought behind it.

fucking celestia, sticking her big immortal nose where it doesn't belong!

Can we please have some rebels or some thing disturbed this peace:fluttercry:

2983235
Oh don't you worry about that
I'm doing my set dressing right now, but things will start exploding in the very near future.

so, she says she doesn't want the baggage restarting the relationship would bring, but she starts pulling out their old pet names for each other? don't get me wrong, i SO want them to get back together, but i'll never understand the way twilight thinks sometimes.

Ohhhh the emotional rollercoaster of past love....Love is one of the wost powerfully healing and destroying forces in the universe.....But she does have a point there is a huge difference between shooting a target of wood and killing another person to watch that light in their eyes slowly fade

Masterbation chapter, how nice,:twilightsheepish: thought I was excepting this to move forward to a battle:ajsleepy: but I'll wait I almost forgot this story:derpytongue2:

2983235>>2921975
TWO MILITARY RANKS I SEE!!!:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:
...it sucks I can't use those to be special... I'm already a Captain myself...
you shall be CPT and you shall be CPL

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

3052645
I like to build my battles up, like a fine wine or a good woman. That being said, there will be a battle soon.
3052875
It could be even worse, I almost thought using Iranian ranks for the Khanate was a good idea. Then when I sobered up the next morning I realized no one would have a flying fig of an idea what I was on about.

3057517
If you are a captain, then sir is not necessary...
...everybody calls me sir already so it gets old...

3057593okay we're the same rank so good luck :rainbowderp:

2939676 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of how Celestia is portrayed in this either, but otherwise that's my only real gripe with this fic; overall I like it a lot and look forward to more!

this can't end well. luna's a warhound. they are so fucked.

And so Let Equestria dip out from it's shell of wooden desighn as thrust itself into the folds of metal.
Now they can truly build Warships
Let loose the hounds of war for on the day these ships are released all of Hell shall sing

Redbarren all I can say :ajsmug:

Reading the description of the ship this came to mind.
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110319050953/lastexile/images/3/3d/Urbanus01.jpg
Not a perfect fit but still badass.

And there's four of them, one for each princess perhaps?

Phew, this is damn excellent so far. There are some grammar mistakes and odd pacing, but the setting and characters are absolutely gripping. I love the references to the French Foreign Legion as well. Fav'd.

3125649

Would make sense considering their names.

Umbra -- Luna
Corona -- Celestia
Heart of War -- Cadance
Crimson Sunset -- Twilight

3199546
I know it makes sens.:twilightsmile:
But who knows Luna may be keeping them all to herself.

Well worded and very detailed. I have high hopes for this fic.

Don't fuck it up.

I read the first sentence of this chapter and I am already impressed.

3290632

I'm glad you're liking it, I hope Legionnaire won't dissapoint.

I must say you have infinitely interested and curious so far. :moustache:

So I'm kind of loving this so far, and have no idea what all the down-votes are about. Some people just don't go for the humanized thing, I guess. You've got some cool world-building going on, and I'm quite interested to find out what happens next. I really hope this story continues to be updated, but thanks for sharing what you have so far. :twilightsmile:

Whelp finally a update

Good chapter i guess, wish it was a bit longer though like the story a lot.

Well this was certainly worth the wait.:twilightsmile:

And I know I'm repeating myself but your world building is just amazing.

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