- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen April 19th
Dark0592
Here lies the wistful delusions of the sleep addled mind. Actually wait, no, just me.
Dark0592
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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ugh if you dislike please put in the comments WHY you disliked so I can possibly fix it...
The people who hit dislike are morans.
Enjoyable so far. However, is spike Twilight's adopted brother or son? Because she got him when she was like... six and I don't believe many people would trust a six-year-old with the care of a baby.
NOOOO!(I disliked by accident because I'm on my iPod and it doesn't want to revert my vote)
1399305 real little brother, this is humanized and alternate universe... and she's 18 or 19 right now.
1400144 how... how dare you!
1400394
I'm soo sorry!!!!!!!!!
STUPID IPOD!!
I'm liking how well it sticks to the original version so far. My only complaint is that there is very little describing how the characters look so it took me a while to actually notice some things. Furthermore you could use some more description of there surroundings, or is everything, local wise, going to remain the same? For instance is the nation still called Equestria? Just how "humanized" are the characters? Do they look 100% human or do they still have visible traces of their presumably Equine ancestry? Do they have bare skin or fur? Are there still three main types of "pony" or are there now only two? How much of the three tribes are still genetically present in the modern Equestrian? Obviously those of Pegasi descent still have wings and can touch and move clouds but are they the only ones called Valkyries or does that term also apply to those of gryphon descent? Is Spike (and thus, according to your response above, Twilight and Shining Armor) of at least some Draconic decent? Do those of Unicorn Descent still have horns? Has everyone in this Universe always been human (or at least humanoid) or is this some sort of result/side effect of Discord's Reign before Tia and Luna took him out? If everyone was always human why name the country Equestria and have the equine puns everywhere?
And that's just the questions I can think of off the top of my head that could really use some answers, I'll probably have more later.//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
One last thing: I actually liked the original version of this chapter more, you went into more detail and there was more characterization especially with Pinkie. I would recommend, if you still have a copy of the original story, to go back and compare these two chapters with their counterparts, these two actually feel inferior to the originals. It looks/seems like you rushed through these two chapters and you can definitely tell. both chapters, from what I can remember, are shorter then the originals were, you ended up skipping scenes when you rewrote them and that detracts from the overall quality of the story. There are at least two examples I can make assuming I'm not somehow confusing this story for another one, which considering just how much I've read on this site is actually rather likely. any way the first example is from when Celestia talks to Twi in the first chapter: I distinctly remember Twi talking about her most recent dream during that talk BEFORE Celestia gives her speech on how Twi is old enough to make her own decisions on who she can love and that she loves her back. the second example is actually from this chapter: I remember the Pinkie Pie sequence starting slightly differently with her pretending to be her normal cheerful self before noticing that it's just Twi and an I believe disguised Celestia and not some random customer, at which point she sighed in relief before giving the line about how hard it is to keep up that demeanor with a raging hangover. I'm sure there was another scene in there somewhere but for the life of me I can't remember it//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Celestia.png
Anyway I'm rambling so I'll be going now. Keep up the good work!//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_lazy.png
1401878 it's humanized, not anthro. there are just normal people, mages and valkyries. I completely forgot to describe how they looked and i apologize, but people have so many different ideas on how humanized ponies look i'll just leave it to that until their outfit change(coming up very soon hopefully). The pinkie part seemed a bit too much like a filler to me, which it was, so I didn't go into too much detail. you think waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much on the terms of humanized. Human means human, not anthro. they've always been human, it's implied but rather obvious. As for griffons, their wings are different and they call themselves griffons but they're not in this fic i don't think. If you want to know more about anything like this just go through some of my other humanized fics. Spike is a pyromage, a fire obsessed mage that is sometimes called a dragon because their fire originates from magic or form inside of them, but they're not actually dragons.
as for the changes, some of the mundane story like that i either forgot about or seemed a bit too mundane to keep in with the revisions or this prologue-like section would be way too long. I do have the original chapters still on my computer and sometime when i have the time and the energy to do so I'll comb through them and post it all as one big bonus chapter. The whole point of the revision was so I can pick this story back up, but in it's previous state there was just too much wrong with it to keep it going from where I left off and as I said these first few chapters are mroe like prologue chapters to the real story.
How is it that every story I've read by you ends up being good?
1421699 i guess because you like all my stories?
woooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn shit is going down!!!
when are you going to release another chapter!!!!!
Alright, two important things. Firstly, you have a tendency to use TWo CApitals at the start of a sentence when you mean to use ONe, and also use words like alot and awhile, which don't exist in the English language. A lot and a while, on the other hoof, do, and seem to be the words you intend to use (though it is possible you meant allot instead, I doubt it), Secondly, you have a tendency to write long run on sentences without any punctuation and this makes the story feel slightly rushed confused or awkward in places.
On positive notes, you use dialogue quite well and your writing does have internal consistency, and since these errors seem systematic instead of careless I'm sure they're easy to fix.
So far as world building goes you have me captivated. I like what you've done with the humanization of the characters and have introduced the changes this alteration brings to Equestria at a gradual pace.
Speaking of gradual pace, take a page out of our dear leader Varanus, the Great and Powerful Monitor Lizard, and at the very least show flashbacks to the buildup to Twilight and Celestia hooking up. Don't get me wrong, Twilestia is my favourite pairing, but even I don't just accept 'Twilight and Celestia are a couple now. Couples are cool.' As an explanation.
You absolutely have my interest, and I wouldn't dare to down vote it, but this story needs a pre reader and possibly a consultant. Good luck writing in the future and for love of Celestia keep writing.
ITS FKN ALIVE
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqvue3T9RF1qd0qspo1_500.gif
2 IN A DAY
2431729 well technically 3's been there for a long ass time... just didn't upload it for some reason
2432475 i love u
2432678 I love me too
oh, and the fans
gotta love the fans
2432767
2431729 it's possible you're going to be very happy again
2564629
If that's the case,keep it going! I like what you have so far.
i dont know why but i think i read this somewhere else, this exact same chapter seems so familiar but i cant remember where i read it
MORE
This Fic Is Dead Or What =?¿=
3207333 I've completely forgotten where it was going so I was asking people if anyone downloaded the chapters of the original and still has them because I don't have them anymore. It is dead, but not abandoned. I do plan to finish this one eventually
HELL FUCKING YEAH
MORE
3283878 you know, just saying more, while flattering, is really shallow lol
3284167
Well then, how about "more please"?
3801586 *facepalm* I meant saying why they liked it lol
3802242
Hehe... Just messin' with ya.
4807479
4806945
read, guys. This particular story is dead, but I'm not deleting it. In fact the whole idea behind it is being recycled and used in when the night beckons. Think of it as a rewrite, or spiritual successor or something like that. It's not at that point quite yet, but unless I lose the drive for that one too then it will be the same general concept for a good chunk of the story