• Member Since 17th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen May 10th

Vorki


Comments ( 167 )

You should credit Max in your description, as the rules for using his verse, I think. Overall, it's good. Some mistakes, but not too many to distract from the main idea. The part where he enters Equestrian seems a bit fast, too easy.

Fixed. Thee start is hard to do sometimes so hope to make up for it.:pinkiesad2:

The premise is interesting.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you need an editor. You have a really good thing going here, and having it bogged down by subpar grammar and spelling would be a shame.

The only other bad point was the sudden appearance of a Timberwolf. It was way too sudden and convenient to be believable, even in a world of tiny talking candy-colored horses.

Having the chapter end after Jax ran away would have been fine, and would have set the stage for a massive misunderstanding. Talk of a masked, cloaked creature stalking Fluttershy and running into the Everfree could set up a major conflict. Perhaps when the ponies tried to track Jax, THEN have some beastie try to maul a pony. Showing Jax struggling between his morals and his phobia would make him more sympathetic as a character, whether he immediately fled after stopping the wolves or was wounded in the fight and taken by the ponies.

As it was, the end felt rushed. Nonetheless you have my attention. I hope to see more of this soon.

Also, I hope the voice-changer in the mask comes into play. If it makes his vocalizations sound inhuman, the ponies could treat him as an unknown threat instead of a lost 'pet'...I look forward to seeing this come into play.

Wouldn't wearing a mask make him stand out more in a crowd and thus have more attention drawn to him, or does he wear it because it gives hime some sort of psychological comfort that the mask provides (such as social and physical ambiguity)?

Haven't read it yet, so I don't know if I'm asking a stupid question.

The way it described his costume reminded me of shy guys from Mario.

I feel that you rushed the beginning just a little. Just a little. Especially considering the fact that he seemed to chicken out of the costume party and is then sent to Equestria with in the same paragraph. Try describing the party, the partiers, and the surroundings in more detail. Like how there is a jack-o-lantern punch bowl, for instance (just a helpful tip :twilightsmile:).

Looking at the sky I saw a bright blue sky with strangely shaped clouds that looked like it was out of a cartoon.

While nothing is wrong with this, and it is completely up to you, I tend to try and avoid the very old and over used cliche of describing the world as 'cartoonish'. If I may, try something like 'colorful' or 'bright'. Once again, there is nothing wrong with this, and you can keep it as is if you'd like. :twilightsmile:

"It can talk" was what I wanted to say but an immense burning pain flared in my throat.

...yes, Yes, YES, YES, YES!!! LET THE MUTENESS CONTINUE!!!!


Once again, the ending felt rather rushed. Don't be afraid to slow down and smell the roses, so to speak. Have the narrator describe more of what he is seeing, feeling, and thinking (although make sure not to go off on a rant about nothing).

Over all, not a bad start. I would reccomend getting a proofreader to go over your chapters before posting; there were several errors and mispelled words that made me pause a couple of times. e.g: clime probably should be 'climb', and meany should probably be 'many'.

Looking forward to more! :pinkiesmile:

Anthropophobia- fear of people and society... My first guess would have been fear of anthros... brr, those things are creepy.

so did magic burn his vocal cord to death kind of thing? is magic like a disease to him?!
I hope in the forest he meet the water serpent with the fabulous mustache. random yes.
shame most stories only mainly talk about in there stories about the ever free setting time only about the creature so far are timber wolf snake chicken and hydra and scorpion tail lions with wings. weird there so many other things.

MadMaxtheBlack gave you a cannon?! That's bad ASS!

All smartassery aside, the word you want is actually spelled, canon.

In fiction, canon is the material accepted as "official" in a fictional universe. The original use of the word canon is a regulation or dogma decreed by a church council, so basically, if the church said something was "canon", it was not to be disagreed with, literally the "word of God". Hence its use in modern fandom vernacular.

Haven't read the story just yet, but I will do so when I can.

3967087 I hate to crush that dream, but I think he means that he's crediting the universe, not that the story is canon. Since I haven't finished the original story yet, I'm reluctant to allow canon stories to be written. That might change in the future once the story is finished. :twilightsheepish:

Although, I must say, I'm interested in where this story is going.

Alright, I will say this; It's an interesting start. But you really should spend more time grammar checking.

clime meany suffices"

3968250 Actually, I think he's crediting you with the creation of a fictional ALTERNATE universe, and is giving you credit for the creation of the "canon" Your Human and You universe, so his usage is correct, and he's giving you props.

It's just the word that was wrong.

3969266 Sorry about the confusion.:twilightblush:

3965571
I'm going to second this guy, interesting story, but there's a lot of bits that need work. To be honest, most of your grammar mistakes seem to be that you're trying to spell a word phonetically when you're used to hearing it with some sort of accent.

hmm can he wall run? Just an idea

3969266 Yeah, I see that. I'm not upset about it, just wanting to clear up confusion. :twilightsheepish:

an alchemist course

with white hair

I don't think this is our universe.

good, but one error I noticed was that you used "meany", it's spelled "many", just thought i'd let you know!
I really like this story so far, keep up the good work! Happy writing!:pinkiehappy:

Oh my :pinkiegasp: over 500 in two days. I admit the beginning is a bit sloppy :facehoof: but I needed to get it out of the way really. As for the wolf for some who are wondering why it suddenly appeared like a RPG game take note I did say the Jax has an unnatural attraction to animals so it is possible that the wolf followed or was attracted to him in some way and since Fluttershy followed Jax when he ran away their paths crossed. I apologise for the structure of that part and the beginning bit. It may be revised at a later date.

As for the meany and many problem
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I'M SORRY JUST STOP.

Next chapter will be out shortly. If anyone could point or offer to be an editor that would take a load of my mind.

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3971981 *Inception sound effect* :pinkiegasp:

hey,yo dude diz iz a good story it get like and fav...:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:
But seriously you need help with your grammer,I can help you edit the story monday -friday, if you want the help.:trollestia:

A few errors here and there: Not capitalizing some "i"'s, misspelling "climb", sentience means awareness of its surrounding like most animals and sapient means capable of thought like humans, Vulcans, and MLP ponies.
Apart from that though, this seems alright. Looking forward to future chapters.

I agree with most her; the general idea of the story is amazing but the delivery of this great peice of work made it lose its luster, so to speak. But i think you continue, its a great thing that i know will get better over time.

Almost done with the second chapter:twilightsmile:.

Why isn't this story updating? It's amazing.

Done some corrections now.

Many, not meany. You swapped out the bully's name from Tom to Ben. In any case, pretty good. have a :moustache:

I swear to any existing deities that exist I can hear angels singing in the background
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Can't wait for the next chapter

Cant wait for more chapters

More please... that is if you have the time... sir you are doing a great thing here, dont let it die. That is if its okay with you

I... I...

I think I'm going to make a blog about this.

It made that much of an impression on me.

No, seriously.

I felt that much emotion just from reading it--I'm going to blog it.

4480327

Bring back the octopussy it was better

4480323 Ok sure go ahead if you want:fluttershysad:. But give Max some credit.

Glad to see this hasn't died. I honestly was worried. Fantastic chapter and writing. I'm liking where the story is going. Keep up the excellent work :moustache:

this was so good that im going to sing at a bee

4480361

Fantastic chapter and writing.

I don't think you quite understand what the word fantastic means.

Honestly i don't think they know of him being there yet. Firstly we know it wasn't Flutters (the only one we know for sure has seen him, though she may pass of the meeting between them as a dream considering she woke up on her couch) who ran to the Princesses since he didn't recognise the mare and he was pretty careful with getting into town so i thinks it's unlikely anyone knows of him yet and the mare that was talking to the Princesses was likely addressing a different problem and he still in the clear, so if he is careful he should be able to remain hidden... However they could always investigate into him afterwards, I mean whilst Luna gave no direct indication of seeing him she could have just been waiting till she can tell Celestia about it so that they can see what it was.

Well my theory aside it was an awesome chapter and it's good to see this is still alive. Hope to see another update soon :twilightsmile:
Ciao

That roar was weak... Try this

Well this was a great chapter and I cannot wait for the next one. Keep up the great work. Brohoof /)
~ Techsol

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