- Member Since 8th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 11th, 2017
The Crestfallen Soul
Greetings! My name is Robin and I am on this site for many reasons such as to write stories, write reviews and meet kindred spirits. I am British and I bloody love tea, especially long island ice tea.
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The only advice I can give you right now is to slow down. Take your, time getting to the point is important, but letting the scenes develop is more so. Also It would probably be easier to read if the dialogue was separated. Make a new paragraph each time the speaker changes.
3873131 that being said, Since this is your first I will keep an eye on it. I like seeing authors improve themselves.
Missing Crossover tag.
Joy, another warrior in Equestria. For the love of Talos, can't we get a mage or something?!
3873131
Thanks for the advice mate!
This is kinda the first draft before I get an editor.
3873310
Kirk is not just a simple warrior.
I will be giving him the gift of pyromancy soon.
But the thing about sending a magic user to Equestria is how do you hide your magical presence from ponies likes Twilight and the two sisters.
3873293
What crossover tags I am missing?
Just Dark souls right?
3874367
He meant the actualy tag, the one that goes with Dark, Human, and Romance.
"I think...I will call you Thorn"
Rose seems she needs a few little sharp thorns by her side.
I was thinking the same exact thing before I read that second line
3874363 make it so they cant actually sense the magic and they're magic strength, like in the show
3874382
Thank you for explaining that
3874367 Ah, there it is. As you were, citizen.
so the human is the animal fics are rolling in hmmm
ohh yeah just now i found out that mah keyboard is broken what a joy
3876563
I will do my best! But no promises!
Kirk will Murder...
3876624
Yea I think animistic Humans was a interesting idea so I jumped aboard!
And Sorry about you Key Board..I hope you can get fix with ease.
3876735 Don't be hindered by the dislike bar,
you're doing great! Keep it up!
3876825
Thank you! This is my first story! and Honestly I just like know why people don't like it to give me some artistic feedback
3876866
Your welcome...
just one question though, is Kirk going to speak outside his dreams? Because I can't wait to see how the Flower Mares are gonna react to him suddenly talking.
3876884
Hehehehe...
Lets just say...A kiss from the Fair Lady is Poisonous but from the Poison comes esteemed benefits...
Though kissing Discord...Well It's practically just kissing a Goat...
But to give you an honest answer...
...Maybe...
3876908 ...
wait, 
WHAT!!!
3876940
The Fair Lady has a part to play in Kirks Voice Returning...
But Discord will soon be playing tricks on him
3876951 Just hope that the end won't be sh
t like some of the other HiE stories where the main character has all odds stacked against him, and when he's told that he can't go back home he loses all hope.
3876982
Who says he isn't already home?
Hehehehe...
i'l give this fic a shot, gonna put it in my read later though.
3877159
Thank you!
Hehehehe...
thay will BURN HA HAAAAAAAA
i love fire lol
3878288
Hehehehe...
Burning..Lets say Kirk is going to be a Fire Starter..
You've sold me. I cant wait for the next chapter.
3882416
Hehehehe...
How much did I sell you For?
3882474 ...75 bits...
3882646
Sold!
3882657 yay I gots a owner...I'm so special.
So much better than last time, you used my advice immediately and splendidly.
3888944
Anything anyone says to me, I usually take to heart
3873310 Oh please, we don't need no sissy glass cannons feinting from a chipped nail! We need real men, capable of bashing through their enemies like a hurricane a against a ship! HAHA
I wish someone would tell me why they don't like it...
3907837
Your character is without choice, without free will, doing the will of people they should know are evil, twisted and sick.
The Grammer isn't that good. It's all tightly spaced together and there's issues with punctuation and "..." that aren't complete, words that shouldn't be capitalized are and others that SHOULD be in capital letters aren't, the universe of Dark Souls itself is a HARSH contrast to this world, so there's a whiplash, and the fact that you've got an overly overdone melodramatic backstory doesn't help. "Waaa! Everybody I know is dead! My mom is dead! My dad is dead! My sister is dead! My dog is dead! My best friends are dead"! It's been done SO, SO many times and there's NOTHING new brought to this story. Nor does it help that he's overly angsty about things.
THAT is why you've got so many people disliking the story.
3907837 to be brutally honest, it is your sentence structure and word choice. Your sentences run on forever, but you hardly describe what is going on.
Case and point, your story description is painful. All in all, that entire block of text is two, maybe three (fragmented) sentences. It carries on through your story and ruins any pacing you try to set because it just goes on to do stuff because of that one thing and that I had too much coffee for breakfast, suddenly I have to pee because I had too much coffee.
Breathe and take a moment to compose your thoughts. You might want to get them onto (proverbial) paper, but writing as you are just ends up with a jumbled mess. At the very least you need to get a good editor and/or proofreader.
3907883
3907870
Thank you! This is defiantly going to help with future stories!
Try to be more descriptive, Better punctuation, put capitals in the right places and no overly done back story! Got it!
3907921 Bingo. Best thing I could say would be to spend more time reading the top rated stories on here and learn how they are structured. That helped my writing an incredible amount, and ended with one of my stories being top of the featured box for a week.
Pretty much boil it down to find out what people like and do it, while retaining your individual voice in the story. I'm not meaning copy their stories, just see how the writing flows, sentence structure and the like.
3907870 But...but... I'm Batman
Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind with what you wrote
3907948
Hahahaha.
I still don't know what is wrong with my Grammar?
3907963 just the general sentence structure. Shorten everything down and make it more vivid. See below:
What you wrote:
Kirk Thornos was once a normal man but at a tender young age he lost his parents and baby sister in a fire, a few years later after Kirk has been clinically diagnosed with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from watching his parents and sister burn to death, he learns of a dark secret that has plagued his family for generations and upon discovery he makes a blood pact with the apparition of Chaos and is sucked into a world where humans are nothing but animals.
A better way to put it:
Kirk Thornos was once a normal man. At a young age, he lost everything dear in a hellish inferno. As he watched the roaring flames consume his childhood home, the memory of family was burnt into his youthful mind. As years passed, Kirk slipped into the dark grasp of depression and post traumatic stress. The world around him became a shadowy place that haunted his every moment. In a moment of lucidness, his families forbidden secrets become known, and he is forced into a demonic blood pact with chaos incarnate. From that point on, his life became little more than the fever crazed dreams of a wretched god. Follow Kirk down the rabbit hole and into a world where humans are little more than dumb beasts of labor. A world populated by ponies that preach harmony yet serve slavery on a silver platter.
Follow Kirk as he becomes the Knight of Thorns and teaches the foul creatures what slavery truly is.
3907948
Batman has Robin to make him smile when there's nothing else in the world that can. And a wise father figure who isn't his father at all in Alfred...and potential love interests whom he tries to juggle "how close do I get to them"...
If this story truly wanted to develop further, it should take a few cues from THOSE tales.
...just saying.
3908014
Well. That was Metal.
I would ask to use that but that is just too marvellous.
3908048 Honestly, I was channeling the intro to the bionic man at first...
Kirk was a man barely alive. WE can rebuilt him. Better. Stronger. Faster. With a laser cannon attached to his chest so he can destroy his enemies.
*smack!
NO! Bad Steve. Stop building lasers into the freaking interns. Do you remember what happened to the last one? A magnet got stuck to her and she went insane. Bob had to hit her with a truck!
*ahem*
Kirk can be rebuilt. Repurposed. Reponied.
He will be... the guy with one left hoof.
3908064
Well after yours and Ngrey advice I think I'm going to put the rest of the story on hold and work on some one-shots for a little while!
Then come back to old Kirky
3908079 Best of luck dude