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Bishibosh and Fayt are denizens of the world known as Azeroth, a war torn world filled with conflict and turmoil. After meeting with a gnomish tinkerer, the duo gets zapped through a dis-functional worm hole generator. After a shocking experience, both heros find themselves in a strange forest. Bishibosh and Fayt must find a way back home or stay trapped in this new world forever. Unbeknownst to them, dark conspirators plan on locking them away, never to return to their homeland.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like it so far especially because I never saw a wow MLP crossover.
Yeah me neither. To be honest this started off as a normal character lore story but then I got into ponies and added this twist
It's a filler, so I wasn't expecting much from it, but it was decent for a filler.
Thanks
I come for ponies and I get Lovecraft knock-offs? Meh. Ponies.
eh like i mentioned in my notes, I'm trying to steer the story towards the plot I want it to follow but I want to leave enough of a trail that people who dont know the WoW lore can easily follow
Seems like this chapter is unfinished. And did we switch to anthros when I wasn't looking?
"Bishibosh patted her back with his free hand, then she pulled off and went on her way to find a spot to sit." Last I knew, they were all ponies. Also in the beginning paragraph, you overused periods.
"The drop of dew landed square on Bishiboshs nose, as he snuffled and attempted to turn the leaf also floated down onto his nose. closing the gaps of air." Yes, I'm nit-picking. But do you know why? I like this story, and I want it to be the best it can be.
Continue the good work!
Capitalization is the problem in this chapter. The first pink sentence, and the last two green ones. Were you half asleep when you put this up?
2645865 Thanks for the feed back man, and yeah I was a little beat getting it down. I meant to revise it but just got pulled into other things. as soon as I get a free moment I intend to go over the whole story looking for spelling errors and such, plus fixing hands into hooves and everyones into everyponies >.> but thanks again man, I will get on fixing them first chance I get
First paragraph, "fouls" needs to be "foals." Otherwise, good chapter.
2648989 I re read this chapter 3 times over checking it and I missed that... Lol thanks again, glad you liked it :)
Alright, I said I'd give it a look, and now I have. I was guided to this by your thread asking how you could get more views. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts.
Editing. You probably didn't want to hear that, but this needs editing. Lots of it. You've got tenses flipping around, telling instead of showing, etc. You need to do some editing.
THAT SAID, it's not a write off. Clearly you're putting time into this, clearly you're determined to get the story out there. My advice, find someone who'll be willing to help clean it up and then fix it up. Some people have an acceptable limit of how many errors they'll put up with, and if you're not getting many readers despite following a common crossover (WoW meets ponies? That has fans) my guess would be that it's the errors that are holding them back and keeping them from recommending it to friends.
You have the drive. You just need to do a little tinkering to it so that everyone gets the same view you had when you wrote it.
Good luck!
"Me and the commander will follow shortly." Should be "The commander and I" if you're going for more high class speech like elves use.
2654975 yeah I have ment to go back through it to edit and revise but just havnt had time too. I hope to get around to it soon :(