• Member Since 18th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

B_25


There was a moral in that, somewhere. (Commissions & Patreon)

T

Spike, the now prince of all of Equestria. Handsome and Charming, and born a thousand years before he was supposed to, is now a completely different being.

Spike, during these extra thousand years, has been training in all the fields known, his long life allowing him to retrain all that there is. Although with all good things, comes a price.

We now find us to the day of when his birth was supposed to take place, Spike is now a slightly different being. All that he has learned and experienced has changed the way he acts and feels, love not being part of that scheme.

But one day, he meet's a mare by the name of Twilight Sparkle, and his life is soon flipped. As he soon get's attached to the mare, as our lucky duo are soon sent to Ponyville.

How will the story change with a new Spike? What are some of the hardships Spike had to experience in order for him to mature from a prick teen into an sightly less prick teen? Why is Spike the why he is now? And will our lucky duo succumb to the gross element known as love?


Editors: Ventan and The Silent Watcher

Idea given to me by Smurf.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 97 )

i very happy to see my idea made reality :pinkiehappy:
but i do have a couple of questions/issues, hopefully you can enlighten me
1/

A thing the princess hated, as she was always seen as this evil tyrant

wait what!? where did that come from? :rainbowhuh: last i checked the ponies loved their Princess, what did she do to get them to see her as a tyrant?
2/ who is David? is he some sort of self insert/OC bugger? i bloody hope not or you and me are going to have problems :twilightangry2: if he is meant to be a background pony then at least give him a pony name
3/

Spike started to see him as a mentor, as well as a father figure

as well as a father figure

father figure

No. Spike was never meant to have a father figure, all the other ponies and teachers he had would die off before he could develop an attachment to them, his mother would be the only true constant in his life hence become a total mommas boy
4/ Spike was meant to have many teachers and tutors, not just one or two, that way he would also develop a network of ponies throughout the ages
5/

Though David had mysteriously vanished in his youth, and now to be thought of as dead. His spirit, his words, and his honor had stayed with Spike, and Spike always took them to heart.

i'm sorry but i fucking cringed :raritydespair:
6/

because he knew what was right, and what was wrong.

you keep going on about that, why? :unsuresweetie:
7/ who is Zack!? where did he come from? and why are you giving them human names? :applejackconfused:
8/

Spike saw Zack more as a brother

oh gods no... :facehoof:
9/ what is with the cloak? i don't understand! :fluttershbad:
10/

“Most dragons are monsters, and monsters seek two things.”
“And those are?”
“Revenge, or/and world domination.”

please make it stop! :raritycry:
i'm not trying to be mean or anything and please don't take this the wrong way but this has only a passing resemblance to my idea i had in my head, maybe that's the problem, maybe the fic is perfect and i'm the issue? hmm... i'll need time to think on this... also if you feel i've been to harsh then i apologise as that was never my intention
in short it's a good start but it lacks the smoothness of your other fics, it felt rushed and had almost no build up, it felt like i was reading from a list, and have you ever considered getting a beta reader?

:raritystarry:
You sir! AMAZE me! This story is another great hit to my mind and please do more you just keep on getting better! :pinkiehappy:

This is an interesting idea, though Spike has to be careful with that way of thinking. More than once heroes like him dies at the end of the story.

3331971 Hey man, thanks for all the comments, now on onto fixing your story.

1/ I can easily change that, but for what I had in mind for later, something like that was going to have to be a fact, let me know if you want to change it.

2/3/4 Don't worry, I hate self inserts as well as the next guy, though for my own selfishness, I was making a connection to 'The rainbows Of Spike.' and for event in the future. Spike is an complete mommas boy, I tell you that. And all that have taught him, have died off. Making Spike, love his mother that much more. But I was trying to get Spike to see both sides, of the equation. I can easily replace this if you wish.

5/ Aright, I was trying to aim to a mentor, as his words highly influenced Spike, in what was good, and bad. But like before, I can get rid of him if you wish.

6/ Yeah, repression is the worst for me. I'll fix it later, and when I get editors for the story.

7/ Again, a silly connection to Spike's Temporary Stay.

8/ I don't know what I was thinking with that, I guess I was trying to show his dislike to Blue blood. Getting rid of that right away.

9/ Spike is modest, so I thought a cloak or something to hide his identity, helps him not get noticed by others as much. (Like Spike and Twi going on a stroll or something else.) Plus, I'm going to have art of him done, so cloak or something kinda looks cool, only helps the impression.

10/ Was trying making Spike a little wise, but can easily change.

Now onto my notes.

I have these stupid things were I write a chapter all night. Me, not being in my best performance, Is missing the easy flow of text, as well as a build up. Planning to fix that today or tomorrow, after finishing 'Spike Temporary Stay' chapter.

Never feel bad about being brutal, this is your idea, and I'm just simply witting it. Tell me what should be changed.

Though I do know it can get better from here though. With the first chapter, I had to had things know about Spike, why quickly displaying his personally, besides letting it build itself.

I also feel, that because Spike is in Cantorlot, that he must to be royal. Where when they finally leaves, his true personality is revealed. I have a lot of faith in chapter 3.

I'm also mixing some of my ideas, as well as yours in here. But please always tell me what needs to be changed, and what ideas to add. As I will do the same to try, as I try to get your okay on them.

Sorry if it was an okay start, but I know it will get better.

Till next time friend, have a good one.
-bkill25

I have read heaven and hell today. This idea... My god this idea is amazing! But the flow! The flow man! I have never been hit so many times in one reading! I expected something more like the latest chapter to Spike's temporary stay. It was good believe me, fixing most errors in my head, but the bluntness didn't allow me to build any after thoughts. Like Cadence she is showing that she hates it when Spike leaves in this instance its best to go with less words and let readers decide on their own.
I have high hopes for this fic and would help in anyway I could. You just have to say please.:rainbowwild:

I have read heaven and hell today. This idea... My god this idea is amazing! But the flow! The flow man! I have never been hit so many times in one reading! I expected something more like the latest chapter to Spike's temporary stay. It was good believe me, fixing most errors in my head, but the bluntness didn't allow me to build any after thoughts. Like Cadence she is showing that she hates it when Spike leaves in this instance its best to go with less words and let readers decide on their own.
I have high hopes for this fic and would help in anyway I could. You just have to say please.:rainbowwild:

3332892 I'll top you on that and say. "Pretty please."

3332928
Honestly I didn't think that would work. Cool though. I'll copy this into a doc and work on it there. Is there anything you want me to keep the same? Also something has been bothering me. Spike's true right what is it? Is it that he views the world as black and white? Like ponies can only do bad or good? I gotta tell you this world is full gray and I assume so is the pony world.

3332935 Thanks a lot man, I'll make sure have you in the description of the story.

Feel free to change anything you want, but if it's something that you feel is big, leave a comment and I'll check it out.

And yes. While Celesita showed him the whiteness of the world, while David showed him the darkness.

There are a few minor grammatical errors, but other than that I think it is an interesting premise and look forward to what you have in store for us.

While the idea behind the story is quite amusing, you blazed through too much in the setup and made the rest quite generic. The character description and backstory can basically be summarized as: Spike is Mary Sue.

The words you chose are rather bland/repetitive and only vaguely describe your thoughts; there is little, to no, imagery and almost no description of supporting characters. The names are decidedly human and I have no idea why.

Many problems in word use and word choice here could easily be corrected by simply reading the story out loud. I'm sure this will be very interesting once cleaned up.

i like it pls continue:twilightsmile:

Thumb up for the Idea, though I'm not going to fave on the grounds that my mind is hurting from the rushed look of it.

but don't let that detract from the over all story. have a nice day.:twilightsmile:

3332692
1/ thats fine, it just threw me off

2/3/4/ oh thank fuck for that, i think the only OC i like is Fluffle Puff derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/7/29/385336__safe_oc_animated_queen+chrysalis_cute_fluffle+puff_artist-colon-mixermike622_nom_biting.gif i don't mind the link but sometimes it's better to have separate universes (gets less cluttered)

5/ just give him a pony name and flesh him out a bit, give him some history e.g he's an member of the night guard or an old veteran or something

6/ i look forward to it

7/ that's fine, just be sure to give them pony names, otherwise i keep looking for the humans and it breaks my immersion

8/ that's fine, just remember that blood is always thicker than water and despite Blueblood idiocy they are still family, try and think of it as a younger brother trying to copy his older sibling and failing, for "zack" has he been in battle with spike before? fought shoulder to shoulder? if so then he could be considered a brother in arms a battle brother if you will

9/ well if he's going for the Emperor Palpatine look then yeah... i mean look at Prince Harry, he doesn't wear hoodies and caps to hide himself does he? Spike is still royalty at the end of the day and royalty have expectations to the masses, i mean look at Princess Celestia (in canon), shes humble and kind and yet she still wears gold plated slippers! royalty are expected to look perfect or flawless it in the job description or something

10/ the problem i had was that you just dumped almost all dragons as mindless monsters, dragons are angry, greedy, prideful and arrogant but they are not simple beasts, i see that most dragons don' like other races because they view them as lesser beings that are trying to go above their station (at least that's the feel i get) plus there was no background or build up, it was just "EVIL ARMY OF DRAGONS OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!" kind of thing

you could have The King (needs a dragon name) be a rising warlord who is tried of the lesser races getting uppity, a increasing number of like minded dragons are flocking to his banner to put these upstarts back into their place, but of course they need a target and what better target than the most prosperous land of all, Equestria! and not only are they the richest but they also have the smallest army! (ponies are a peaceful lot) that's just begging to be raided! and to add insult to injury these ponies have kidnapped and brainwashed one of their own! the sheer cheek and audacity of theses ponies!

there you go! flesh it out a bit and it goes smoother, you have background and history

i'm glad i haven't offended you, as i have a bad habit of coming off as a complete douche bag when i write long reviews, hence why most of my reviews are very short, as for the rest i don't mind, i think my main issue was that i built this image in my mind on how this story should be, that seeing it in a different form rankled me to no end

sounds interesting.

Also, I didn't understand how spike can fit in the throne room.

Riz

3332988

Who are David and Zack ? Humans ?

I love it, keep on writing.

Meh, just wanted to read another story since the ones i'm reading don't have any new chapters so HERE I AM!!!
Okey, so about on the 5th or 6th paragraph I saw one or two errors per paragraph. If you don't have an editor, I can take the place, if it's no big deal...

‘What if’ is a question most are likely to hear. Some get annonice from it, while others are intrigued by it. ‘What if’ means something happened, something change, and time has been bent and changed.

Correction: 'What if' means something happened, something changed, and time has been bent and changed.

It was exactly a thousand of years before Spike was supposed to be born from the overpowering magic that was, Twilight Sparkle. But now, time has now changed.

Slight correction: But now, time has changed.
Just removing an extra word that dosen't need to be there, nothing much.

But nonetheless she returned to her throne one day, with an egg on her back, and not even a single guard even questioned their magicstay.

Magicstay? I'm not getting anything on Google...

Celestia ascended the stairs to her to her quarters, the egg still laying ever so firmly on her back.

... This is the 4th paragrath, do you have an editor?

Some citizens said they saw fire works that day coming from the tower.

Fireworks is a compound word.

Celestia smile grew even bigger, as she cupped the baby dragon with her hoofs, and nuzzle him, eliciting him of an adorable sound.

*Nuzzled
This story has a lot of past tense in it...

She looked at the baby dragon’s sleeping form, he had purple scales, and his spike were green, as well as eyes from what she remembered.

*Spikes

“Spike, I think I’ll call you Spike.”

You don't really need to capitalize the 'I' in i'll, unless it's at the start of the sentence.

You’ll have what others do not, time. And that, will make you a hero Spike.”

*... make you a hero, Spike.

"“But for now, you’ll be the baby I’ll take care off.”
...

David is a true being who knows right from wrong, and will always fight for the good, no matter the cause the price, or even the odds.

*David is a true being who knows right from wrong, and will always fight for the good, no matter the cause, price, or even the odds.

David was very wise being,

*David was very wise

Would you like a mini editor?

Spike, by this time. Had been in many fights and wars, but he always knew what he was fighting for, and if the side he was on, was the right side.

... and if the side he was on, it was the right side.

Spike was sitting on the throne room by himself, he was wearing his cloak, his hood not up. On his back, his sword and sheath, given to him by David, was strapped against him in a counter clockwise fashion, as the strap went around his frame.

YEAH! Melee is the BEST!

As for the rest: Woohoo! o-o Omigod... Twily! Oh...

I WANNA READ DA DWAGON PAWT [I wanna read the dragon part!]

Yea, interesting story, Lil bit of Mary Sue, but heck, when you've lived a couple centuries you'll get to that point as a dragon.:moustache:

“Anyways, anyone standing out of this years candits?”

I believe you meant candidates.:raritywink:

But nonetheless she returned to her throne one day, with an egg on her back, and not even a single guard even questioned their magicstay.

Yea, as 19jburner says, not getting anything on Google, sure it wasn't majesty?:facehoof:

Gods damn it, how the buck did I miss this? Wow, I'm losing it:facehoof: Not a day will ever go by that you won't see me not reading a Spike/Celestia, Momlestia fic, love it with all my heart and a very serious twist, this is going to be fun:rainbowlaugh:

3480340 Which is why I'm so GLAD Spike himself said she was not his mommy....GO CELESTIA, GET YOUR SON AND LOVE HIM!!!:yay:

3480645 All Spike needs now is the tittle prince...encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTjjc7nWs-naZAE7EVW8mIcyoD2e4GNmOistwwtjpZ20v-IujCV
He is already awesome enough he don't need to be a prince go their DRAGON and be awesome!!!!

3480340>>3480645 Fixed chapter one, and chapter two coming out very soon.

The OC will be gone soon? Finally, sorry I know that sounds harsh but I'm not really one for OC's and this one was getting on my nerves a bit:facehoof: Spike seems to be going a bit on the Gray-Sue side, be very, very careful with this. Other then that, I loved the ship and the fight that was written, really well done, the part with Cadence was not needed all that much but it was enjoyable, I this chapter and am excited to read more:twilightsmile:

3546630 Trust me I know, but it was that or Flash Sentry. Also, Spike has to be that way until he and Twi get to Ponyville, so just suffer with me for a bit.

Regarding Spike's personalty. Spike has been raised by royals so far, meaning he's going to have a cliche like personalty until later. Like during his teens years he was non caring, almost like Dante from DMC.

I have read this stories so far and i have one thing to say.
more more more.

I!:flutterrage: LOVE! :pinkiegasp:MUST! :rainbowdetermined2:HAVE! :twilightangry2:MORE!:moustache:

3548768 wat he said i want more glob damit :flutterrage:

finally got round to reading this chapter :pinkiehappy:
the verdict

keep up the good work my friend

3550188 Thanks! Although is there anything you would like to point out?

3551358 thank you for following canon

His ship wouldn't be called the Jackdaw would it?:moustache:

3575782 Assassin's creed 4?

3575804Why yes. His ship is very similar to Edward Kenway's ship :twilightsmile:

3575809 More than likely, been playing the hell out of that game.

Riz

3575829
So Twilight is an orphan ? So there's no Shining Armour then ?

You have created a very interesting story. It has captured my attention and has me on the edge of my seat wanting more. I can't wait for him to meet Twi, I can't help but feel that "this" Spike is a great partner for her. Eagerly waiting for your next update. Keep up the great work.

lol great job so far, keep up the good work!

What an action packed chapter! Too bad there is still no spilight scene yet but oh well I enjoyed the reading experience....

just wondering can we expect chapters more regularly or will we have to wait a few months for another cause im really enjoying this story and eagerly wait for more

I almost shit myself when I saw a update for this story. I have been waiting holding by breath to see more of this epic Spike so to see it continue is great. It is funny seeing he was suck a cocky ass when he was younger. Good thing he grew out of that aliittle now that he is older. I can't wait for him to save the day and become the hero to the dragon kingdom as well lol. I am dying though for the fated meeting between him and Twilight most of all lol.:moustache::twilightblush::pinkiehappy:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!