• Member Since 13th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen March 8th

Aaronwebber9


T

Finally the final battle against King Boo to save Mario and the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom from his wrath, Luigi succeeds in the capture...or so he thought. Turns out King Boo had one last last trick up his sleeve and with a bright flash of light Luigi is teleported to an unknown forest. Something is amiss, He can't remember anything on how he got there. Where was he transported to? Will he defeat King Boo? Will he find someone to help guide him so he may find and rescue Mario? Will he return to his own world? Will he even want to...?

This takes place during the events of Luigi's Mansion Dark Moon. The story takes place after the season 2 finale in the MLP universe.


Cover art by: Xain Russell
http://xain-russell.deviantart.com/art/My-Little-Poltergeist-Hunter-364543190?q=gallery%3Axain-russell&qo=3

Editor: NightShader http://www.fimfiction.net/user/NightShader

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 91 )

I like this story idea, I'm gonna have a read after work today :raritywink:

OH SHAT ITS ME!!!:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:

Yeah I think i'll skip the prologue..... :fluttershysad: Urgh now I gotta wait for the next chapter:twilightangry2:

The prologue manages to catch my interest. Now the waiting game :twilightangry2:... I HATE WAITING!:flutterrage:

I tgink I can tell you the same others told me after they've read the first chapter I've written:
The Idea seems good enough, it has potential ou need to unlock in the next chapters. I've noticed many errors and most of the explanations seem a bit plain.

Don't worry My first try was not better and I'm also still learning. My first tip to improove your writing is that you should try to get a prove-reader. Just ask some other authors here on this site if they can help you. If you want to get an example how effective a prove-reader usually is, read the first two chapters of my work "Lost Radiance"(the only story I'm working on right now, I'm slow as hell) THIS IS NOT ADVERTISING FOR MY STORY! Even thogh I've edited the first chapter a few times it is still not what it should be, so you can still see the contrast between a chapter that is written without the help of a prove-reader and one with the help.

Some basic tips I can still give you::pinkiehappy:
New paragraph when another character starts to talk. especially at the beginning Spike and Twi talked in the same paragraph.

"They made their way up to Fluttershy's cottage. As they made their way to the door" Here you repeated yourself with the words "they made" This kind of steals a bit of the movement in this scene(at least that is how I would describe it). Try not to repeat yourself, a story can get boring if you do that.
In that specific case for example you could formulate it like"They made their way up to Fluttershy's cottage. While walking towards the door Fluttershy..."
At least that is how I would have put it.

{ It was morning in Ponyville, Celestia's sun had just begun to rise to start the day. In the Golden Oaks Library where a lavender unicorn mare still fast asleep in her bed. In a basket next to her bed lay a purple dragon. He was first to wake from his slumber remembering that he has morning chores like preparing breakfast. Reluctantly he got up and headed downstairs to start cooking breakfast.

Smelling the alluring scent of breakfast being cooked Twilight Sparkle started to stir from her slumber, with a yawn and a stretch she gets up. Brushing her mane to her liking she started to trot downstairs where she was greeted by her "Number 1 assistant" Spike.}
Here the scene seems a bit rushed, the way you've written it it reads like as soon as Spike left the room the smell of breakfast already started, like in the same second. This is not a big error but some thing I noticed.

I've also seen the classic "your" "you're" error.

There is more to note but I did not try to filter every error. Please don't take this as a bad critique or something, like I said I'm still learning myself.
Try to get a prove-reader and all your writing problems will soon be gone. At least that was my experience.
Good luck:twilightsmile: I'll follow this storyand see what you can accomplish

YES YES YES YES, OH MY GOD, YES!!!

Am I supposed to read the title in SomecallmeJohnny's Luigi voice?
[youtube=oP2H3S2PRA0]

I finished reading the prologue and, I finished playing Dark Moon a month ago. I can't wait to see what happens in the later chapters. I'm going to keep an eye out for future chapters. BTW, is Mario,King Boo and the ghosts going to appear in future chapters?

2536968 Well, he is a brony too, isn't he? No word yet on whether he reads pony or not.

If you want to avoid spoilers, skip the prologue entirely,

Okay, let's see...

:pinkiesad2: There's nothing to read aside from the prologue:fluttercry::applecry:

Pretty good, so far. I look forward to the next chapter.

And of COURSE it'd be [redacted]. I'd be surprised if it WASN'T [redacted]'s fault.

2537303 Yeah sorry about that :trollestia: but really only the first two paragraphs contain the said spoilers.

let me get this straight....you have a romance tag......in a LUIGI story?!? WHAT DARK HELLISH MAGIC IS THIS?!?!?!?!?:pinkiegasp::rainbowhuh::twilightoops::applejackconfused:

2537454
I sure will, I wonder would King Boo would do when he get's to Equestria? I bet King Boo might team up with Queen Chrysalis and her changelings and try to take over Equestria, or he might find a way to resurrect King Zombra, and help take over the Crystal Empire. That might sound very interesting. Look's like I will have to wait and find out. :pinkiehappy:

Oh god thats funny:twilightsmile:

Interesting a luigi's mansion crossover I would be very surprise if it was as good as Sweetie's mansion, but I will give it a chance. Here have a cooki-

i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7415949824/hC8AA1110/
Dammit Twilight!

2537454

Aaronwebber9, can you read me? thought you should know that this story is great so far and that i've faved, liked, and followed you so i don't miss the next chapter.

i can't wait.:pinkiehappy:

No Pizza? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :raritycry:

I like this keep it up:twilightsheepish:

Sorry to say that, but right now the story is not that capturing.
Like I said in my coment on the first chapter, try to find one who has more experience in writing who is willing to help you out.
Not in a way like telling you what to write, but pointing out weaknesses of your work and giving advise.

2543100 Yeah I'm still looking looking for someone to help me out, no luck yet. :ajsleepy:

2543169
Try to ask someone that wrote something you liked, It worked with me.

My eye has been twitching ever since I started reading this chapter... Please, for the love of god, get an editor!:pinkiesick:

Good concept but your grammar and spelling are awful.

2545266 After re-reading, I agree, Which is why I'm going to hold off on publishing anymore chapters till I get an editor. :rainbowlaugh:

2545307Might I suggest looking up a group called 'Authors Helping Authors'? Kinda the whole point of what they do is in the name.

YES!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE STORY I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice job, liked his personality being kept original as well as intriguing. Nice job. here's a pizza.rivercitypizza.com/PepperoniPizza-full.jpg
Cheerio. :moustache:

I love this I have Dark Moon [I have gotten to King boo

Damn you! Can't get Luigi's Mansion theme out of my head:twilightangry2:

okay i like what your doing with this story so far, i haven't played Luigi's mansion 2 (i will remedy that quickly) and your story just makes me want to play it even more. keep up the excellent story.

2568284 You jackass:pinkiehappy: but personally, I liked the first game's theme more.

"ENOUGH! BEGONE!" Shouted a deafening voice. Its origin unknown.
Suddenly beams of light shot through King Boo. Now Wincing in pain. He began to vanish."We'll meet again, ciao for now. HEHEH!"

Thank you Luna!

2568284 as one who played through and beat the game before, does he still have his flash/darklight and ds on him and would it even get reception there??

2569114 All of that gets explained in the future chapters.

2569169
For Luigi to shine in Equestria he has to have all his equipment, because he'd be one sitting duck if he does not. But then again, he should have his own powers since he can do his abilities through his horn now with the added Vacuum and attachments.

>.> I thought he was invited to a Pinkie Party same day? You know? At 7? Oh dear, I think Luigi is going to get it..

I'll right again when I find out more.

Wrong word. You want the OTHER version of it, spelled 'write.' Forgivable, though. CONTINUE!

2568863 I think Luna understand Luigi pain she was too living in the shadow of her sibling

2570523 Ah good someone caught that. :pinkiecrazy:

May I please be your editor for no apparent reason?

:pinkiecrazy: MOAR!! 'Tis high-time Luigi gets the spotlight!

This prologue makes me cringe... sorry.

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