Twilight is called to Canterlot by Celestia to help remove the remaining changelings from the city. Once she arrives a turn of events causes her to leave the city again, upon arriving home she begins her lessons again under both Luna and Celestia. Twilight must find a way to deal with her friends, her lessons the changelings and many other problems that arise for her and those around her.
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I knew it from the name!
I could feel it in me giblets.
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Knew what exactly?
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You put it in ze Alicorn Twilight in folder.
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Yes that and a few others
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I may read it. Soon. Just not now.
"Ha-ha" Twilight laughed "It's not like there is going to be another big disaster any time soon, I think we've both had our far share of those." far should be "fair".
All in all a good beginning for hopefully a great story.
"Shining Amour!"
.. noope
I see you have some chapters written ahead of time. Do you have an editor? You need an editor or at least some proofreaders. Every writer does. There being a group just for proofreaders on FimFiction, it's really pretty easy to find proofreaders. That will help get some consistency in quality between chapters.
Ugh a spam bot....
I am a little hesitant to read this seeing as how there are grammar errors in the description.
great first chapter! i didn't notice any grammatical errors and the flow was quite good.
1597520 Its not bad. Sure he said he hasn't had anyone edit it yet. But mine wasn't so different.
Also I won't lie this reminds me of my writing style so much I had a dejavu moment while reading a few lines.
When you posting the others? sounds like you have them written already.
That's great and all, but it requires more punctuation.
Such as a period, question mark, or exclamation mark at the end of almost every spoken sentence.
There are humans in this equestria? Cause it mentions people and someones instead of ponies and someponies.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
good read, but needs some proof reading
I like a lot!
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and I'm Australian so that's how we spell armour but because I wrote most of this on my iPad it autocorrected most of my words to the American spelling
.
Yes I have written some chapters ahead of time and I will be getting a friend at school to proofread my work
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No there are no humans, I get better with writing pony instead of people the more I write.
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Don't worry I am getting a proofreader to proofread my work and I believe that it gets better the more I get into my writing.
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Nope. 'amour' is the french word for love, not any kind of spelling of 'armour'. The other spelling of 'armour' is of course 'armor'.
-- A fellow Australian
1600401 My bad I didn't realize I was missing a r
.
Double quotation.
Would look better in italics.
Just a couple of errors I stumbled across, I haven't finished reading yet but it seems good.
Some minor punctuation errors, but that's about it. Flow doesn't seem off to me. Did you write the scene with Twilight panicking over which books to bring before season 3?
1604404 Yes I actually did, I started writing this about a month maybe three weeks before it came out so once I have the chapters checked they should come out once every day or two
question it has a romance tab plus it has spitfire in the character area are spitfire and twilight going to be involved in a romance?
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Wow, you NAILED Twilight's reaction to Celestia telling her to come to the castle. XD
1605904 eh no. I don't want to give away any spoilers so I won't say anything.
1606424 kind of hard for a critic to review something without knowing what there getting into
1606593 They're*
I guess you're right, but I dont want spoilers in the comments.
That was certainly fast, I didn't expect to be up until tomorrow, although your text implied it might be up today. Anyway, good job!
Needs Italics, the copy I sent you has it in italics but I'm pretty sure when you upload/copy it onto FimFiction it removes bold/Itallics etc by default.
Italics again
have
had been
Suddenly
Those are all the mistakes I picked up on from my read through. Less than I thought I would find, score!
First.
Good chapter, can't wait to see more.
1614124 thank you
1614121
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Lol, I know. I hate typing comments on my iPad, I also hate the fact there is no quote button etc when editing a comment.
I spent twenty minutes fixing that comment (
) because 'quote' kept autocorrecting to 'qoute'.
The changelings done screwed up.
They are about to find out what happens when The Element of Magic and the Princess of The Night put their game face on and go to War.
you need to do some editing and spelling checking, it's not to bad though :)
"immediate attention, now" seems redundant.
1614450 When you are panicked you often add a lot of redundant things into sentences.
1618785 It doesn't read right to me. Also, people express their panic in different ways.
The only other thing that I noticed was Luna's interactions with the guards. They seem a bit stiff.
I think this could be resolved by having her address some of them by rank rather than just "guard".
1614121 Seems like several people beat you to first actually. :P
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I got the first comment on chapter 2
And I agree with you, both Luna's dialogue and the constant use of 'guard' don't flow particularly well. In this chapter I mainly fixed up grammar errors and spelling errors as I was editing a first draft. This time kripk3y is going to look over it first then hand it to me so I can better help with the dialogue, phrasing and structure.
what was this supposed to mean
1631271 That just means that the story has skipped forward a bit, it doesn't matter if it's five minuets or a week I'll just put that in to show the readers.
Yay, The chapter's up!
Heh, that reminded me of "Mitternacht" by Nomine.
Keep working Twilight. You still need to find a way to magically uncover changelings.
Hopefully before they try to kill you and Luna again.
dost thou understand mine olde english? no thous dost seek to earn thine kindling through the butchery of this glorious language of the past.
aghem... sorry i get that way when some one tries to speak old english but doesn't get the words right or the flow. anyway other than those few grievances I loved the chapter hopefully twi can get back over her magical loss.
cheers
1643147 Sorry about that I actually don't know it that well, but about her magic all that happened was that some virus or something was taking magic that she tried to use. She can get it back to normal with rest.
great chapter!
and btw (kripk3y), i still want to know where you got your damn profile pic...
"We couldn't take thou room and stay here, this is thou house."
I'm not too good at Olde English, but I think that thou is the wrong word to use here. That sentence feels really wierd. Maybe the second thou as thine?
Keep up the good work, I want to see where this goes.
1657414 I'll have to change that and start writing it properly, thanks for the tip though my writing does need a bit of improving.
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There are quite a few grammatical mistakes in this chapter, which make it a bit difficult to read. The story itself is good, but you may want to work on your pacing and possibly consider having multiple people edit your chapters.
I noticed several instances of "your" being used when it should have been "you're", and I think at least twice you used the word "people" when it really should have been "ponies".
Still a good story though.
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Oops, I probably will get another editor for when Zagzig17 does go away, then maybe they can both edit. As for using people instead of ponies, this is my first MLP fan fiction, actually it's my first fan fiction ever, so I am used to using people instead of ponies.
Thank you, I'll try to fix any mistakes I find for the future chapters
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I wish to apologise. I rather rushed through editing this chapter so that Kripkey would be able to upload it quickly, unfortunately that came at the cost of quality. That was my mistake, and so I apologise. Next time, no matter the time since the last update, I'll take my time and go through with a fine tooth comb.