Fear, hatred, anger, jealousy, and despair. They all hold meaning to the Lunar Goddess that we call, Luna. What do each of them mean? Luna knows, she knows them all too well. How can one save themselves from such horrid things. That's what Luna is desperately seeking. The only one to help her on the journey is the living embodiment of each of those things, Nightmare. Trust is the name of the game those two play as they spend more time with each other. So, what is the key to putting all this darkness behind her and move on? It's in the shape of a lavender mare, with hopes and dreams of her own, Twilight. But when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object, bi-polar vs bi-polar, there will always be damage on a collateral scale. Given the chance, will Trixie, Luna's personal maiden, swallow her ego, forget her grudge with Twilight, and pay the debt she owes to the Lunar Alicorn? Or will her pride and bravado as well as Nightmare's drive Luna to insanity?
Picture belongs to... you know what? I change this every few weeks, I'll have a permanent picture at the end of this fiction.
Thanks to my editor 1over0 who constantly tells me to write better. Also thanks to my new editor, Tonto the Trotter. Now my second editor, TwiLunaLover.
I'm back and ready for more writing! BRING ON THE CRITICISMS!
Did I stay in character?
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
pretty good.
you were very repetitive with names, you used luna way to many times, even in places where a name wasn't even needed, same thing with nightmare, try to identify where they are needed, and remove them when they are redundant, and if there's still too many names used; try using other names which describe her.
and about your "in character" question; i can't really say for certain at this point, but right now; yes, i would say that at least luna stayed in character, and i can imagine NMM acting that way.
otherwise it was a good first chapter
1346019
criticism starting,'but it was one given to her from a special pony' shouldn't it be by a special pony?. ending criticism.
I want MORE!
I quess Luna forgive NMM to fast in my opinion, as for the rest seems fine.
A very interesting premise.
Good story so far, I will look for more of this. There were a few errors in tense and the like and a few missing words here and there, but nothing to make the story unreadable.
A few examples of some of the errors I found;
"There was also a dark feeling that came with think about Twilight." Should be "when thinking".
"Luna once again turn her head towards the mirror." Should be "turned" or if she is in the process of turning her head "turns".
Most of this should be fairly easy to catch for a proofreader, if you have one, on a second read through.
Other than possibly slowing down Luna and Nightmare's relationship it's a good start. Of course how fast their relationship develops depends on how long you plan the story to be.
1346019 none needed... MOAR!
I do really like a story with NMM.
But I do HATE Nightmare/human shippings....
So it is hard to find a really good one I have not read yet.
So, you know; more of this plox.
How can a form made of pure magic even do that......
Im scared to read this just because I don't know what will be the true and final shipping pair
NO NO GOD NO GOD NOOOOO
NOT THE CHANNELINGS
1350068 Sorry it took me so long to rely. Apparently, 4 hours of sleep and 15 cans of cheery coke is bad for your health. Nightmare can use basic magic every now and then. Like levitation, reading Luna's thoughts, and maybe teleportation. Wait, add shape shifting to that list.
1351462
1358633 Dovah, what are you doing here? I thought my story was on the bottom of your read later list?
1358642 I decided to go ahead and read it anyway
1359010 What do you think?
1359019 I think its good so far. Just don't rush the updates and you should be good.
1359050 Oh yea, I kinda rushed last time didn't I? Well, the next chapter should be up by today, maybe later.
Maybe a little. Can't wait for the next chapter
1359122 How well did I stay in character?
1359126 I think you did a pretty good job with it , especially with making NMM help Luna with her feelings. Not many stories have friendly NMM
1359327 Am I making NMM too nice?
1359343 I don't think you are making her too nice. If you want to, you can say that she's nice because the Elements purified her soul. Just a suggestion
1359438 What soul? Last I checked she was a heartless wrench.
1359447 Ah I forgot about that
Luna sure does have some scary dreams, doesn't she? Well, you all wanted me to slow down their relationship, well here I am, slowing it down. This is turning out to be more of a Slice of Life than a Romance.
Very sweet.
great second chapter!
didn't notice the name repetition problem as much this time. i did find it a little curious how easily luna started to trust in NMM more than her own sister though.
1361538 This chapter explain a bit or raise more questions?
Yes, This is Good, Very Good. Mwuahaha. I will be watching, and waiting.
Parchment is made from animal skin, specifically animals that are intelligent in the mlp fim universe (cow, sheep, etc).
1361548
in general? hard to be specific, but i would say that it's a bit of both.
It may be a slice of life instead of romance, but dont rush it. Eventually it goes to the romance, and anyway, the slice of life part is a nice buildup. This story is awesome!
1359447 lol wrench. Not to be a dick, but it's wretch. That made my day though, thanks man.
Good story, lot of spelling errors though.
1389330 Spelling errors? What spelling errors......
1390056 Well...
First Chapter
The court system have been over complicated - Have should be Has.
her moon once again grace the sky. - Sounds awkward, would sound more natural like this. "Her moon graced the night sky, once more."
that all Princess do. - that all Princesses do
They were eyes she remembered too well. They were the eyes of her old self. The self Luna regretted ever showing. - Too many short sentences. Would sound better like this. "They were eyes she remembered all too well, eyes of her darker self. The dark side of herself, that she regretted, ever showing."
Luna didn't really pick the book, just a random one, but it was one given to her by a special pony. - Would perhaps be better that Luna picks the book up out of habit, like she reads it fairly frequently and it's a treasured item.
and was barely about to keep her vision straight. - Just cut this bit out.
Instead of using " " For thoughts, use ' ' instead.
Exhaustion now taking her, she weakly stepped towards her bed - Feeling exhausted, Luna yawned as she dragged her hooves along the carpet and plopped down onto her bed.
There are more, but these are the first couple I noticed.
Do you mean "Growing"?
1390612
He's right, use Apostrophes plox.
1400838 Believe me I FINALLY got a proofreader/editor now. You won't be seeing much more mistakes besides me just making run-on sentences. That and chapters will most likely be weekly since my editor takes a while to get back to me.
1400851
Who is your editor?
1400858 They are credited in the story description, which I changed to better suit this story. *sigh* This is really a slice of life isn't?
1400864
Who in the un-holy warp is that?
And you're not that I've seen far worst (You know who you are).
Just, you know....Words.
Oh and this, this has nothing to do with my comment, nor does it have to do with this story, ponies or even The Spanish Inquisition.
1400906 With proper grammar please?
That dream did'nt make much sense to me...
It hurt my feels too.
Why do I find myself blaming Nightmare for it?
1415029 If you blame Nightmare for Luna having this dream, then you really aren't getting the point I'm trying to make. No offense.
I would simply like to state that this fic has great promise, I liked it but it would be nice to get a chapter three.
I give you three mustaches!
1415817 Chapter 3 will be up in about......Oh screw it, not even I know anymore. Chapter 3 latest, will be up by the weekend. Maybe Thursday. It's already written, I'm just waiting for an answer from my editor.
1415501
I understand that Nightmare only wants the best for Luna, and wouldn't consider thinking about turning her against 'Twi & 'Celly, but my mind is blaming Nightmare regardless.
I am very much confused by it.