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What happens when you find yourself in a completely new situation. No way back home. Lost. Surrounded by strangers, who stole you away from everything you cared about? Flynn had to ask those questions as he woke up from his normal life into this nightmare.
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So here it is. I really hope this isn't as bad as the last one. Also this story as you've probably noticed that it is completely different. And for all intents and purposes it IS a completely different story. This is not a a self insert. I'm going to try and mae the stroy focus on events as opposed to the main character. And its even a completely writing style. It's like what Mindblower did with his Envy and Arrogance series. Completely differnet story.
I liked the writing in this fic, but I have a problem.
Who names their kid Rakdar?
Oh joy, edgy teenager who hates everything. This is bound to be fun.
>Rakdar
>Rakidar
>Rekidar
>Regidar
5005073 no thanks
I seem to be using this more and more, but it's so good at voicing my opinions.
This is actually one of the few fics with more downvotes than upvotes I actually LIKE... so far. I LOVE the main character's attitude... Probably very similar to my reaction in the same circumstances. Keep it up... and ignore those dreaded HATERZ.
5004373
... What?
Wonderment? Derision?
Synopsis: Fucking cunt fuck cunt fucking fuck fuck cunt fuck fuck. Twilight fucking becomes fucking friends fuck with fuckstick who fucking cunt insists that fuckstick fucking lives with fucking Twilight even fucking though cunt fuck mcfuckstick is a fucking cunt. Fuckstick is fucking over fucking whelmed from the fucking talking cunts, yet still fucking fucks cunt fuck fuck cunt fuck fucking fuck.
Is that what you're going for?
5005361 Congratulations, you have just summarised the entire story!
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gr8 b8 m8 i r8 8/8
Your character is an unlikable asshole, Twilight acts way out of character and there's not much of a story here either.
Yeah fucking right.
5007155 also forgot about that. Seems all too like a self insert
Oh... God fucking dammit.
Let's take it from the top.
Not with a name like that he wasn't.
Because antisocial behavior totally constitutes a "normal" kid.
Again, that doesn't sound very normal to me. Most teenagers with any sense don't dread their existence.
Oh god, the edgy misanthropy! It hurts!
And, shitty super hero alike name. Yeah, ain't no way I'm reading this shit.
Broadside cannons, lads! Sink her to the briny deep!
Your character is a whinny little shit. Scrap him and make a new character that's actually likeable and interesting..
5006215 I'd like to fix that. How would i make Twilight act more "in character" I mean I thought i hit the nail on the head but I'd like to know what i did wrong. as to the point where he's an asshole that's intended.
5005286 Alright, I get that you think the story is terrible, but why is it terrible?
5005265>>5007155 5007163 Well I just really like the name Rakdar.
5005075 5005075 completely unintentional. Regidar I'm sorry if i have offended you.
5004832 I would, Rakdar is an awesome name in my opinion, and im glad you enjoy the style. Any reason as to why?
5005791 Intended
5005361 Well he's a big asshole. And while swearing is going to quite prevalent in the story, it won't be the focus of it.
5005291 Thank you? Can i get some criticism to go along with your complement
5007312 Well to name all of your points in order.
Name choice. I like the name. It has been my screen name for years and no one gave me shit about it. I'm a tad surprised that's such a big issue. Now, with the antisocial behavior, it's actually pretty common around where i live. Everything is nice and quiet. It was normal in the sense that everyone around him was antisocial. For me i tried to be a very social person. It's actually why I joined this fandom. As to the point where dreading your existence isn't normal. I never said he dreaded his existence. I said he hated his life. It's because it was boring, did you not crave adventure from time to time when you were a kid? He just wanted it a lot more because his life was so boring. Now to the point of the "Edgy Misanthropy" Now i admit to having to look up the definition of misanthropy, and nothing I've put in the description suggest that, and if it does it is unintended. Alright now i need to be clear on the last point. Rakdar is NOT a superhero. I apologize if that's what you thought this fic was going to be. There will be no magical intervention that gives him powers. Nor will he pickup a macguffin and suddenly become a badass with it. I'm not going to tell you why he's called The Equalizer but i think it should be obvious.
5007375 Glad you pointed out the obvious. I don't want this guy to start off as likable. As to the uninteresting part, how would you make him more interesting? i'm most certainly not going to scrap him.
Now i wrote this story to improve my writing. I'd like to think it was at least a little more solid then the last one. I don't write to please, i write to improve my writing skills.
5007774
What makes your character uninteresting is the concept behind him. He's just your everyday angsty teen who likes videogames and MLP, something we've all seen before literally hundreds of times. Not only that, but he has the personality of a cactus taped to a damp piece of wood. He's just a complete and utter dick.
I've read dozens of novels, and even the most vile of characters, whether they be villains or heroes, had some redeeming qualities to them or were simply interesting at most. Your character however, is absolutely unlikable and uninteresting. No one will sympathize with him, because he's an uptight prick who's just Angsty-Teen number 1900000.
He's also just so generic. I could make 5 HiE plights and characters on the fly that are much more interesting than to watch Angsty McGee brood some more. So instead of making him an antisocial dickwad, give him some friends! What does he do for a living, what does he do for fun, what's he family like! Your character simply can't stand up on his own with out being broody.
So the main flaw with your story is your protagonist, an unoriginal and unlikable dickwad who thinks swearing and acting like a cretin is cruise control for cool. Despite your OC, the story has decent grammar and an okay pace. The best you can possibly do is try to create a more interesting OC and make another story. Better luck next time.
5007774
You know why nobody has given you shit about it until now? Because there's a very big difference between a screen name and a person's given name. You're asking us to believe that "Rakdar" is on this person's birth certificiate, that his loving parents came up with "Rakdar" after deep, thoughtful consideration of what to call their new baby boy, that he has gone through his school years being known by the name of "Rakdar".
As an exercise in what most writers call "doing research", I Googled "baby names". Now, as you may be aware, the top non-sponsored result of a Google search is the site or page that people have consulted the most as a result of that search. For me, the top result was, appropriately enough, babynames.com. With that combination of domain name and Google placement, presumably they know a thing or two about names, yes? So, continuing the exercise, I entered "Rakdar" into the site search. You know what came back? Nothing.
Are you starting to see yet why people are having such a hard time believing that this is your protagonist's legal name, and given that they've only seen it before as your user name (and maybe a planet name in bad science fiction), why they're doubting your statement that this isn't a self-insert?
You're not helping your case.
5007774
I suppose that be The Pirate King's turn for rebuttal.
The name is only a sticking point because he is supposed to be some average kid. Something that's cool as an internet handle might not be so cool or believable as an actual person's name. Do you think people refer to me as The Pirate King in real life? Well, actually they do, but that's just cause I pretty much am a pirate in real life. Not because it's my handle.
Also, where do you live where antisocial behavior is the majority out look? Generally your average healthy human being is at least basically social.
All the rest seem like points that, while dubious, could have a ring of truth, so I'll wait to pass judgement til I've entered the story.
5007774 nah, not offended
5007774
While cantankerous and angry characters with abrasive personalities are a plus to me (I have an OC in Decapitating Harmony that curses a lot, smokes, gambles, and is generally the bad step-father that everyone hates.) The reason he's not coming across as "so bad that he's good" is because teens whom are rebellious for no reason lacks depth and interest. Being hard boiled can be a likeable thing, and you can't have a story that is centered on a character that no one likes.
My suggestion is to make him generally happy with an anger problem. A vice that overtakes him while he has good intentions can shift him into chaotic good which would greatly improve the exposition's depth.
Why would Twilight, after being treated in such a way, be like, "You know what? You should stick around."?
5009509 Well, i see your point, I will try to make him a little more likeable in the upcoming chapters, and on the other hand i thought i could imply that twilight ignored all the swearing because she (and applejack) Didnt know what those words meant. I mean that what it was Supposed to do, and now i see that that particular bit went over everyone else's heads.
As much as I like disagreeable assholes as characters, which explains why I loved "House M.D", there was at least a reason for him being that way. He was a freaking genius trapped in a world of idiots and was in constant pain. That has a tendency to weigh on people after a while.
Your OC, and let's face it he is a self-insert, is just an unlikeable guy. He's an ass but there's no redeeming quality about him. He's just an ass. Full stop. Add onto that the typical wangsty teen brony that nobody understands and you have generic fic # 3215796456 that's been done before.
This story has been reviewed by the Blunt Reviews Group.
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I can see you made Rakdar a cynic... I like it!
I like different concepts! 
5023565 Awesome. I'm going to tone it down a little but and put some more explanation in to it though.Should be finished by tomorrow.
5023582 Nice!
Aaaaaand editing complete. Let's see if this toned down version of Rakdar is better recieved.
5005265 Oh and heres somehting to better counter that argument. If my name was The Goddamn Batman, and i named my character Batman. Would i be a self insert?
5027141
I don't know how in the hell you consider that a counter to anything at all I've said, seeing as how Batman is a character with a presence in popular culture for the last 75 years, and "Rakdar" is a collection of letters that you pulled out of either your ass or a bag of Scrabble tiles. If you named a character Batman, you would be considered a copycat at best, and a plagiarist at worst. Also, if your name actually is "Batman", I wanna see some ID.
i.imgur.com/ZxKRO78.jpg
Did you even read what I wrote about doing research concerning names?
5027245 Meh, didn't mean to offend. And yeah i did research on thi sname. It's initially Scandinavian.
Normally, I start with the title or the first line of the long description. But not for this story.
No, first I'm going to your bio.
Not an alicorn? That's absolutely ridiculous.
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As opposed to gold fingers?
If his mane was colors that went well together, how would we be able to tell how edgy he is?
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This is the first thing that I've seen that's an actual legit crossover between Runescape and MLP that isn't done completely ironically. I guess I should be thankful that you used some of the symbolism expanded upon in lore to decide on what your OC's cutie mark is going to be.
Problem is, I'm not thankful. The cutie mark is niche, but I like it; it's everything else that I take issue with.
You are not a skilled druid. In D&D, yeah, maybe you are, or in WoW. An actual druid can't be "skilled" at being a druid.
Likewise, you can't be skilled in balance. That just isn't a skill that you can hone as a craft. That's all dependent on morality, and personal bias is a hugely impacting factor. I get the feeling I'm going to be pointing out the "eye of the beholder" moments throughout this.
Now on to the short description!
A tale? As in, there are multiple tales of him? Celestia help us.
Sarcasatam? Is that the word? Or sarcasam? I like the first one more.
Our first ding on the whole "balance" notion. A hero isn't balanced.
They told me I could be anything I wanted...
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so I became a gun.
Thank goodness. Story over.
Wait a minute... normal kids play games... normal kids go to school... normal kids refuse to make friends... wait, what?
Naturally, he hated exactly who he had aspired to be all his life. He hated playing games, he hated going to school, and he hated refusing to make friends... despite the fact that he decided for himself to play games, go to school, and refuse to make friends. He hates the fact that he became exactly the person he tried to be.
Grade-A sentence while being simultaneous Wizard of Oz reference here.
Revenge is not balance.
Actually, I'm willing to bet he got something he didn't have before he started liking himself. Just you watch.
This means he hated what he had until he got something new.
Balance is NOT fairness.
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Thankfully, this story is not like Mr. Bones' Wild Ride, though.
Before I even opened the first chapter, I had reached this stage.
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HEY WAIT A MINUTE
This is from your blog post.
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Great, so he's Abraham Lincoln now? All he needs is a top hat, a mole, and that wicked beard.
Because only hotheaded people can achieve balance.
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The OOC! It hurts!
Either he's pagan, something that should have been clarified at this point, or this is meta.
Either way...
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What? Why?
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At least something in this fic is adorable.
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She would have FUCKED. HIM. UP. This is OOC for poor Applejack. She deserves better than this.
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His face when Fluttershy figures out 5 minutes in that he's a total pussy.
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>Insult Twilight Sparkle's friends.
>She loves you for it anyway.
Such is the life of an edgy Gary Stu.
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Socially retarded. Still a lie detector for an alien species whose body language and an individual whose speech patterns he is still 100% entirely unfamilar with.
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Fuck. She wanted to fuck. I'm certain of it.
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Review time!
This is probably one of the best-written OCs that I've ever read. He has such a perfect formulaic balance of power and kindness vs. crudeness that I find myself wanting to be there, in his gold hooves, feeling what he's feeling, doing what he's doing (hopefully Twilight Sparkle by the end of this fic), and saying what he's saying. He's a great lesson that, even if you're a raging prickface and do everything within your power to say "fuck you" to those trying to help you, they'll still bend over backwards to accomodate you. It's a model example of the American government, too.
12/10 3edgy5me
5031826 I fixed my bio thank you very much. And that review was hilarious.
Oh and the theme seems to be based on the fact that this is a self incert, It's not. But other then that it was pretty hilarious. the whole, "I can be anything i want so I became a gun" Was what set me off. I seriously hope that this was satirical however.
The gun thing was completely accidental. AS well as the Oz reference.
5031826 couldn't of done it better myself
5031826
:|
Dat edge tho...
why all the hate
Two paragraphs in and you're banging on about tentacle porn....
I'm out.
(Takes shelter to avoid incoming tidal wave of cliche.)
Haters gonna hate. Anyway it's a pretty good story so far, don't let them haters get you down. Cliché there may be, alot of hits are filled with cliché. So endure it.
Ps. Try not to mention porn in the open, it gets bad reactions almost every time.
5007312 do after about a year wiser. I'm going to just respond with, you know teenagers with sense?
Also this story is shit and I know it.