I’m sorry.

This fic is just… where do I start?

First things first: deleting or blocking people’s comments that you don’t like is not in any way professional. I’m glad to see you didn’t, but judging from the sheer number of downvotes, both for the story and for the comments section...

This is not an enjoyable story, even though the writing in and of itself was rather higher-quality, especially compared to many other fics on this site.

To quote HardRockLlama…

Synopsis: Fucking cunt fuck cunt fucking fuck fuck cunt fuck fuck. Twilight fucking becomes fucking friends fuck with fuckstick who fucking cunt insists that fuckstick fucking lives with fucking Twilight even fucking though cunt fuck mcfuckstick is a fucking cunt. Fuckstick is fucking over fucking whelmed from the fucking talking cunts, yet still fucking fucks cunt fuck fuck cunt fuck fucking fuck.

Yeah, I’d suggest this could be the actual review, but I have to put more effort into it, so here’s where we’ll start.

Okay, so, teenage angsty teenager who is angsty and and curses like a sailor and broods like an antisocial hen with a clutch of who-gives-a-shit eggs.

Definitely have seen this fic before. All too much, actually. I know many like to try and come across as broody and angsty to be cool, like Batman or something, but I don’t think I’ve ever read a fic where it comes off right. This story is no exception.

First things first: Rakdar? The hell kind of name is that? Is that the shortening of a normal name, or a play on one? My username is a mixture of Abram (biblical Abraham’s original name) and some Roman-esque sounding suffix. Rakdar… I’m sorry, but it sounds like the emo cousin of Reptar, from Rugrats. Or maybe a combination of Rake (old-timey spy/assassin/saboteur) and… um… Daring? I don’t know: give someone a unique name that doesn’t scream “Oh, I’m so special, I’ve got a name nobody else in history has ever had before”.

Okay, so, he prides himself on being an ass.

Unlikable from within the first, what is it, five paragraphs?

Starting someone out as an unlikable ass really doesn’t make me think “hey, I should care about this person!” and makes me instead think “yep, total douche, thumbs-down”. Now, if you want an angsty character, don’t start them off as one. Batman started off as a happy kid, and then was turned into Batman through his tragic life. However, we saw him become that: we weren’t just given an angsty character with no immediate backstory right from the get-go.

Another thing: perspective is all over the place here. It switches from 3rd person Rakdar (he, him, etc.) to 1st person (using I a lot), even though most of the story itself is written in a 3rd person narrative (as if being read by someone, hopefully cool, like David Attenborough). You can still use 1st person in a 3rd person story, but you have to remember that such is usually used for thoughts. Italicize those thought, and remember to put them in quotations or mention "he thought" to flesh it out more.

I noticed a lot of the “I” portions weren’t properly capitalized.

The author also says this is not a blatant self-insert, and even apologizes, in advance, for how shitty the story is, and even says he hopes it’s not, and I kid you not, “as bad as the last one”.

Nobody forced you to publish this before you thought it was ready, dude. So many people in the comments section have pointed out the same.

Final thoughts on this? Get proofreaders and consider revamping/rewriting your story from scratch. First off, get rid of “Rakdar”, the emo angsty foul-mouthed teenager. Embrace good qualities in his character that aren’t overshadowed by such bullshit, like his foul mouth, “broodiness” and sheer unlikability. Make him unique in ways that aren’t always in every HiE fic out there: hell, make him born without a left arm or something; give him a disability, like being colorblind (can’t tell red from green) or deaf in one ear.

TL;DR: this fic needs a lot of work to even become a semblance of a story that people can connect with. Hell, given enough time, it could be a very unique one, but it needs a lot of work. Just remember: don't publish unless you feel it exceeds your expectations.

3639272
Well done. Have a mustache, courtesy of The Motherfucking Pirate King.

3639272 Before i say anything else i should tell you that you shouldn't be sorry. I really appreciate that you spent the time to go and review my story. And i asked many people for a review, and while i'm not sure I asked you guys for a review I really appreciate that you took the time to do it.

Wow, in hindsight I probably should have italicized the thoughts, i did so in the gdocs but I didn't realize that it didnt transfer through.
As for the name it's a shortened version of Rakdarian which according to the game i got it form, was a common Scandinavian name.

On to the personality, yeah that turned into a problem, Will be trying to fix it with edits and future updates,

As for the I's yeah some how i missed them, my bad. will be fixed on my next edit.

Again, i did that too. I really don't believe i'm a good writer, which leads me to why i published this when I thought it wasn't amazing. Well i did, but i'm also aware that that's my opinion and many will definitely disagree with me. Strongly. I haven't seen anywhere in the comments that stated that i shouldn't have published it. I would like to get prereaders, and have a consistent editor, but unfortunately I don't know where to look. I published this story for a few reasons. 1. what few fans i have, if i have any at all, those who favorited and followed my survival of the fittest story, to may have something to succeed that one. 2. I felt i was done with the first chapter and as such thought it was appropriate to publish it. 3. and the most important reason was that I couldn't find any mistakes. Which for me is a huge problem because there will always be issues. So i posted it to become a a better writer by having other people find the errors that i missed.

Thank you for the review and showing me which problems i had. I will work to fix them and hopefully it comes to that unique kind of story. I'm glad to know that it has potential. I will not be scrapping it and starting over since starting over in that form would go against the fimfiction rules for what i have planned for this. You have my utmost respect for reviewing my story. Thank you

3640717 I just tried looking it up on Google. Rakdarian... it ain't a name. Rakdar has something to do with Thailand, I believe, but the name Rakdarian isn't by any means Scandinavian.

Unless, of course, Google is lying to me.

But anyways, you are most welcome for what help I could provide.