• Member Since 20th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Rakdar


I WILL do better. I promise.

E

In the distant past, before a Hearths warming tale, Cosmic Dust abandons her fellow unicorns, unwilling to leave her homeland. Underneath the snow she finds something she won't soon forget.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

I really love this story!

11079498
Thank you.
Any thoughts on it?

Note 1- No mention of how she's looking around this presumably dark cave, considering she first described how it felt rather than immediately what was around her.
Note 2- Random return after she looks back outside the cave the first time. Probably just a typing error.
Note 3- Using stood stock still twice really close to each other.
Note 4- Described coils as snakes twice really close to each other.
Note 5- Looks like you retyped the cocky grin sentence and forgot to replace some words.
Note 6- I recently learned that when you want to cut off a sentence, you use an em dash— Decent short story. Now you just need a better title

The title "Cold" brings up multiple stories. I'd recommend coming up with something more unique. The title "Cold and Broken" doesn't seem to exist, doesn't give away the plot, and has a new meaning when you're done reading. If not that one, then something else.

11079510
Thanks much

I really love this story.
It has exhalant grammar.
It has really good character growth
In general its a really excellent story

I noticed a few places where the line suddenly goes to the next paragraph. I think it's a formatting issue. A few times I was disinterested by the scene-setting, you reuse a lot of surface-level descriptors like "dark" and "cold."

More importantly, I feel as though I didn't go anywhere with this character. As a whole, the story starts and ends in the same place, emotionally speaking, which is a valid choice but it doesn't feel like a compelling read. The character starts miserable and kind of ends up even more miserable, which I suppose is a change but for the worse. The problem is I never felt compelled to connect with the character, so as they arrive at a worse circumstance, I'm not affected by it.

Keep working though, short stories are tough. The most I will say is that you can clean up your word efficiency a bit, which might help you develop your characters more without having to write as much.

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