First things first, let's try to get our bearings on the situatio- Is that a table and chairs made out of red velvet cake?
So after you and Nightshade consumed the red velvet cake furniture (which turned into blue velvet cake halfway through)
A few possibilities for how all this happened fly through your buggy head:
- The Doctor's time machine is malfunctioning and it's bringing all of Equestria down with it.
- Pinkie discovered how to use magic, and accidentally broke reality in an attempt to throw the biggest party the multiverse had ever seen.
- Aliens from space have invaded and as a result, disrupted the fragile magic balance that keeps the world in check.
- It's opposite day.
You stop and watch dumbfounded at this occurrence and proceed to go through the possible causes. After some thinking you decide that it's just mother nature, but a voice that sounds like Q from star trek continuously laughs at the back of your mind.
As you continue to stare at the strangeness in front of you with a dumbfounded look, you can't help but think,
You know, considering how I have a psychotic DFV (Dark Female Voice) inside me, a daughter that literally lives in a bottomless saddlebag, a mysterious 'friend' who gave me said saddlebag and my awesome faceless coat, and the fact that I've survived multiple situations that should be sudden death, you'd think I would be used to this kind of stuff by now...
As you think this a frog and a snake that have been blown up like balloons, as well as a giant lizard with a butt for a face go by you.
But this... this is just plain nuts.
As you continue to look around the area you see crazier and crazier things. Like a giant lion head attached to a octopus body, a walking pitcher of some sort of red drink smashing through walls, a blue hedgehog running super fast while wearing red shoes, and even a stinking green ghost ship flying though the air. You can't help but think,
What could have caused this? Is reality caving in on us? Have I been trapped in someling's personal toy box? Is The Doctor's TARDIS malfunctioning and it's bringing all of Equestria down with it?! Has the laws of physics finally taken too much strain and are failing? Is it opposite day? Did I get drunk again (last time you got smashed... let's just say Appaloosa was condemned for almost a month, you were put in a straightjacket, and you had a MASSIVE hangover)? Oh no... PINKIE TURNED INTO AN ALICORN! THE END IS NEIGH! THE END IS NE*smack*
You slap yourself mid thought as you try to calm down.
Focus bug! There's noway an earth pony, or anypony actually, can become a alicorn. That just sounds like a cheap way to sell toys.
In another dimension, millions of middle aged men and women nod their heads in agreement. After finally calming yourself down, you begin to think,
Okay, so the world is either turning upside down or I've gone crazy. That's fine, that's okay. It's probably just mother nature and every other deity out there having some fun. Yeah, that's it...
For some reason you hear what sounds like Q from Star Trot laugh in your mind. You shrug it off as your imagination as you think,
I just need to-is that a table and chairs made out of red velvet cake?
Your thoughts are interrupted as you see the tasty looking furniture in front of you. Nightshade, waking up now of all times (when you want that filly awake, she's out like a light, but when you don't expect her to wake up she's a ball of energy), sees the velvet cake furniture in front of her and says,
"Daddy... are we in delicious heaven?"
You nod your head dumbly as you say,
"Honey... it's time to join the madness, BANZAI!"
And with that, you and Nightshade dive into the red velvet furniture.
Drink the chocolate milk! All of the chocolate milk! All of it!
Nightshade pops out and starts drinking the chocolate milk rain (while also being upset that she can't fly to eat the cotton candy clouds) before joining in on devouring the chocolate-milk-filled cotton candy clouds, popcorn field, and giant apples (it's been a while since breakfast so you join her, but the apples taste different with every bite for some reason)
MULTIPLE FURNITURE MADE OF SWEETS AND OTHER STRANGE FOODS LATER
After eating the red velvet furniture (which turned into blue velvet halfway though for some reason), you and Nightshade continued to devour the strange food that was popping up. From apples twice the size of your head (that changed taste with each bite for some reason), to the rain which you can now confirm is chocolate milk (you even heard a deep-voiced pile of apples singing about it... somehow before Nightshade pounced on it and devoured it mid-song). But what was really strange is that whenever you or Nightshade thought of a food you wanted, you would hear a laugh and then that food would pop up! You shrugged it off as the weird new world's logic. You put a now asleep Nightshade (she fell asleep inside a giant Cookie Cake Pie which was just adorable) back into her bedroom and you're about to leave for the train station (which, from what you can see, is the only thing not touched by all this craziness) when...
You turn around about to walk away until you hear a scream.
You shout, "IT MUST BE RABBIT SEASON!" and No Shadow Kick into the hoard of rabbits chasing the unicorn, scattering them. You turn to the unicorn as smile, saying "If only there were some ducks around, too."
She looks at you blankly.
You chuckle. "'Cause then you could say, 'No, it's duck season.' And then I say 'Rabbit season!' And you say, 'Duck season' again. And..."
She quirks an eyebrow at you.
You sigh. "Just got back and I'm already 0-for-1 on the references. Brilliant."
"SOMEPONY HELP ME!!"
You turn around in alarm as you see the mint green unicorn still getting chased by the rabbits with long legs. You chuckle in embarrassment as you think,
Oops, forgot about her.
You run and jump between the unicorn and the rabbits with long legs, causing the pony and rabbits to stop in shock at your appearance. You smile as you shout,
"IT MUST BE RABBIT SEASON! NO SHADOW KICK!"
And with that you jump forward with a flurry of kicks at the rabbits. The kicks do their job as you send most of the rabbits flying back. But, there're still two left and they charge at you. You smirk as you shout
"CAUSE YOU'RE GOING EXTINCT! FALCON PUNCH!"
With that you slam the flame-encased punch into the first charging bunny, sending it smashing into the bunny behind it and they both go flying into the sky and off into the distance. You give a small chuckle as you look over to the dumbfounded unicorn as you say,
"Now if only there were some ducks with hooves around, too."
You chuckle some more at your joke, until you notice the unicorn giving you a blank look, so you then say,
"Cause then you could say, 'No, it's duck season.' And then I say 'Rabbit season!' And you say, 'Duck season' again. And..."
You stop trying to explain your joke as the unicorn mare just tilts her head and raises an eyebrow at you in confusion. You sigh in defeat and mutter,
"Just got back and I'm already 0-for-1 on the references. Brilliant. Where's Flash when you need him..."
Lyra says something about humans, hands, and/or worries about where Bon Bon is
The unicorn mare just gives you a strange look before smiling and saying,
"Thanks for saving me dude, name's Lyra." the now named Lyra looks around worriedly and asks "Hey, have you seen a mare earth pony around here named Bon Bon?"
You look behind her as you say,
"Does she have a beige coat and a pigment blue mane with a rose pink streak?"
She looks as you surprised and says,
"Yeah! That's exactly what she looks like! Do you know where she is?"
You simply point behind her in response. She looks confused before she turns around and sees... the mare she was talking about floating away. The mare looks down and screams,
"LYRA, HELP ME!"
Lyra gasps in shock and horror before she starts to run after the mare as she shouts,
"HOLD ON BONNY, I'MA COMING!"
You just stare blankly at her retreating form as you say...
You decide that A this isn't your problem
"Okay, I'm not gonna get involved in that, she can handle saving... 'Bonny.' As for me..." You turn to the train station as you say, "I have a train to catch before something happens to it like.. I don't know, suddenly turning blue, growing a face, and starts taking orders from some fat guy in a top hat."
After a brunch break, get on a train to Canterlot, only for the Mares to also be on that train
ONE HOUR LATER
You stare intently at the book you're reading as you are walking down the hall to the train's bathroom (what is with you and needing to go to the bathroom on trains?). You paid for your ticket (66 Bits left), got on the train an hour ago, and you've been reading "The Valley of Fear" the entire time. You're at the climax of the book, so when you had to... ahem "go" you decided to just read the book on your way there, As you're reading the book, you don't notice the pony in front of you levitating a bunch of scrolls. You're about to look up, *thud* but it's too late. You and the pony collide, sending the pony's scrolls and your book across the train floor. You both mutter apologies before beginning to pick up the scrolls. As you hoof the last scroll to the pony, the pony hoofs you your book. As you look up you say,
"Thank yo-" You stop mid sentence as you see...
Twilight Sparkle giving you a apologetic smile. All you can do is stare at her blankly with a feeling that you're going to have to do alot of running soon. As you continue to stare, you can't help but think in a grim tone,
Here we go again...
What do you do?
Keep calm! You're in the El Hunko suit, and considering how quickly you bolted out of the donut shop after the Bland Boring Ball, she might not recognize you.
She gasps. "Ooh, the Valley of Fear. I still can't believe that Mare-riarity kills--"
You shove your hooves to your ears. "Ya-ta-ta-ta-I'm-not-listening-ya-ta-ta!"
"Oh! Me and my big mouth, I'm so sorry. Well, I hope we all get to Canterlot safe and sound. With all this craziness around, who knows what could happen next? You know what I mean, right? I mean, look at your suit. Rarity would have a heart attack if she saw you." With that, Twilight walks away.
You bury your face in your hooves. Of course the other mares are here. And even in the El Hunko suit, Twilight didn't like you. You're going to need all of your cunning if you want to avoid the rest of them.
...
You're doomed.
Outro:
In cantorlot, you see that a bunch of ponies are made of plastic bricks and they surround a normal pony and you hear an old stallion in the crowd of block ponies yell "He's a freak, take off him apart and lose him under the couch!"
After you try to think of something to say you finally decide to nope outta there
Go up into the rafters and when the mane 6 and spike come say This
(In that voice of course) and the go through the skylight onto the roof and escape to a different traincar.
Well, you still needed that restroom break, so you'll use that excuse. If it weren't occupied that is...
New plan! Distract yourself from your bladder and talk interesting books!
As you stare one of your many pony-equivalents of death in the eyes, you suddenly get a flashback to your Grandbuggy and his words of wisdom.
"Now take it from me Bugzy, mares are trouble; never had any good that came outta them."
"But what about me? How would I have been born if you didn't meet someling you really liked."
Then he just stared blankly at you and sighed. "Bugzy... one day I'll tell you where hatchlings come from, but until then, just remember: When confronted with a mare, stay cool, calm and collected. Don't do anything that would anger them, just slowly back away. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hide more money in the walls of this rickety shack.
*end flashback
"He never did tell me where hatchlings come from." You mutter to yourself, gaining an odd glance from Twilight. "Okay, just remember what he told me; cool, calm and-" Then the rest of the mane 6 show up behind Twilight "Oh screw it."
"AAAAAAAAHH!" you fall onto your back screaming like a little filly.
Twilight :"What is it?! Are you okay?!"
Rarity :"Not with that outfit he's not"
AJ: "Ya'll got a problem with stetsons?"
"AAAAAAAHH!" You scream again, this time pointing a trembling hoof at them.
Somehow they think that means somethings behind them is causing you to scream, and they all turn around.
Seeing your opportunity to escape, you quickly get to you hooves and run, still screaming your head off.
...
"aaaaaaaahh."
4905022 Resubmitting this and adding that it should take place shortly before Discord is re-petrified and that this also happens:
As soon as they jump to this conclusion, Twilight gives you a free express-trip to Canterlot via Air Magic Blast. While flying through the air, you get bored of screaming like a little girl and open the book that Discord gave you. The "book" is actually a device similar to a tablet (if there are video games there are probably tablets) built into a folding case with the words "Don't Panic" embossed on the cover. When you open it, a voice tells you...
Shortly after deciding that that was the least useful advice you have ever heard, you impact a few hundred yards from Canterlot. Standing up and brushing yourself off you say "I'm okay... at least I think-"
*THWACK*
"What the hay was that?"
Suddenly the book said "Don't think."
Okay Bugze, when you get back to your seat (or even when you get on the can), just stay calm and read the "Kung-Fu For Dummies" book and learn:
Psycho Crusher: Launch yourself forward and spin like a bullet while covered in orange energy to knock through groups of enemies or flimsy windows, doors, or even really thin walls (Warning: Improper use of this technique can lead to headaches or concussions)
AND/OR
Izuna Drop: Embrace a midair opponent before pointing both of you headfirst towards the ground, Then fall while spinning so opponent slams headfirst into the ground.
Rarity confronts you and you panic and think you're cover's blown... but then she comments on the fashion faux pas you committed by wearing a suit with a stetson.
She then recognizes you from the Grand Galloping Gala... As the gentlepony who told off Prince Blueblood before "accidentally" knocking him into the wall. Maybe you should get out the "How to be A Gentle Colt 101" book...
When you finally get to Canterlot, you break away from the mares (who are getting into a carriage with Royal Guard escort to the castle) and think you're safe when you realize something... You have absolutely no bucking idea where to meet the Doctor at.
While I'm happy my theme was chosen as the intro, in retrospect, if I knew you planned to do an outro, "Here It Goes Again" would be a better outro than intro due to the title best fitting a wacky cliffhanger ending
Frown at her.
Then say "You make me sad." (In a British accent) And keep walking.
img.pandawhale.com/post-35593-you-make-me-sad-gif-Monty-Pyth-VrmD.gif
you fear that when lady luck strikes the mares will be upon you. you quickly excuse yourself and head back to your seat. When or if they discover you are a changeling, you could either a.) use your El Hunko alias and state that you wish no one any harm and that your on your way to meet up with a few close friends of yours. You explain that not many changelings were given a choice during the changeling invasion and the only one they should be angry with is his queen. b.) reveal yourself as the hooded offenders son and that you seek vengeance upon those who have misjudged him leading to him sacrificing himself to save those that have wronged him which lead him to his death. you explain in great detail what you plan to do to all parties that harmed him, once you figure out who they are. (your pretending you not know. shuuush!) c.) boop all of them on the nose and hop back to your set while speaking nonsense. during the ride to Canterlot you make sure they keep their distance by getting in their personal space and deeply smelling them. d.) start crying and make a sob story. e.) There's always plan F! f.) commence fight scene.
Twilight doesn't notice you. Deciding to play a prank on her, you leave the room, transform in to Celestia, and walk back to meet her. During your conversation you transform back (Ending very awkwardly for you), and because you know 'look a distraction' no longer works you just point behind her and stare in horror. When she turns around, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
Twilight begins to apologise so much you wish you were deaf, after 5 minutes of this you scream at her in your Royal Canterlot Voice, making your EL Hunko suit disappear exposing yourself you nope outta there
this shall be the outro
YOU CANT KILLEAN THE ZILEAN
Remember, she doesn't know who you are. Remain calm and talk your way out of this. Use teleport if things go wrong (which, knowing this story and what happened in the previous one, it probably will).
this shall be the rise and fall of blueblood, because he hasn't suffered enough
this is what happens to blueblood when he affected by discord, acting all chivalrous an heroic, but at the fall, everything returns normal, so he turns into a blob of pony
Remain Calm, you still got your suave El Hunko disguise on.
Try to get into her good books, (pun intended) by telling her how invested you are in Sherclop Holmes and that's why you didn't see her. She will then start talking nonstop about it and suggest you read some other stories in that genre. She takes her books seriously, and remembering her reaction when you tried to burn one, you really should have seen this coming.
Dear lord what have you done?!!!!
Quickly change the subject to the fantastic insanity going on in Ponyville, and see what she says, it wouldn't hurt to know what the hay is going on.
If you can get as far away from her and her friends as possible, do so in the calmest and least suspicious manner and finish your book.
If you get found out, go with a classic
"Hey Look! A Distraction!!!"
Outro:
Kiss her and run away laughing maniacally.
Sigh, and pull Nightshade out of the Inventory. Twilight will recognize her and go into "screen 404" mode. After all, she thinks you are dead. And she knows that you are Nightshade's "daddy," and assumes that Nightshade would only allow her dad to carry her room, so she would come to the conclusion that you are Bugze (though she knows you as the Hooded Offender), but that seems impossible to her, because you are supposed to be dead. During her brain freeze, you get the urge to draw on her face with one of the (suspiciously convenient - maybe whoever is causing this put them there... but why?) markers nearby. you succumb to the urge, and do so, only to find it is invisible ink (if she ever goes into her rage mode, it'll be visible again). once her mind moves again, she glomps you, because she remembers that you were actually a hero that night. Then she hits you in the head for making her sad, and also for all the (to her perspective) terrible things you did. The glomp and blow causes you to lose your balance, falling onto twilight and giving her an accidental kiss. When you part, quickly do a "Look, not a Distraction!" towards a very MMMM good cake, then run away to another car, saying: "It's a LIE!"
Outro:
Whelp, that didn't take long.
You better not screw up Twilight.