[FIXED] Episode 19: Cider Season (Part 1)
As the door closes you begin to contemplate hings. If Granny Smith your grandmother and Applejack is your cousin, then that information could be useful in the future, life saving probably. You also realized something shocking, frightening even. Where are all the other changeling? Sure there might be fewer roaming around in equestria after the invasion, but still you would've ran into someling by now. You decide that worrying about that now would ruin your day. They're fine....probably.
Fortunately, that bath from last night was absolutely invigorating
As Applejack leaves, you begin to contemplate things in your shed,
If Granny Smith is my grandmother, and Applejack is my cousin, then I could possibly use that info some day. Wait a minute...
You then get a sudden realization,
Where are all the other changelings? Sure, there may be fewer of us now thanks to the failed invasion, but with how often the Queen used to send us on missions, you think I would've ran into someling by now... Eh, they're fine... Probably... Maybe... Ah who am I kidding? With the way my ex-queen has been leading lately I'm surprised she hasn't blown up the-wait... Grandbuggy already blew that up...
With a shake of your head you walk out of the shed towards the house. Normally, you'd be groggy and sleepy at such an early hour, but that bath from last night was just so positively invigorating that you feel ready to seize the day. You spot Applejack waiting for you by the door...
As you awake, you go to the kitchen to take a little food when suddenly you hear a explotion. Both you and Applejack run to the kitchen just to find smoke and in the middle of the kitchen, Nightshade and Apple Bloom
"IM sorry daddy, I was thinking in making you a little of juice with the help of Apple Bloom, but suddenly it exploded"
You look to Nightshade and Applejack look to Apple Bloom
"Are you both okay? What exactly happened?" Ask Applejack to Apple Bloom
"I don't know, It was like the incident with Sweetie Belle but worst" Say Apple Bloom
You look to both sisters confused
"Some unicorns have strange magic around them, and... long story short, is best that they don't try to cook" Explain Apple Bloom
"It's only that they don't know to cook sugarcube, not too much" Say Applejack
"But it's true... just think about that... Nightshade is a unicorn and Sweetie Belle is also a unicorn" Commented Apple Bloom
"Well... Now that you say it... I never see Twilight cooking, from what I hear, almost everything is done by Spike"
"So... Is she treating the dragon like a slave?"
You can imagine the image of the poor little dragon, being forced to work by the evil unicorn but it dissappear as Applejack begin to talk
"what? No! She treat him well, like a mother or a big sister" Comment Applejack
"Are you sure? I mean... How much you see about them? Who knows how she could treat him" Say Bugzee
"Well... No... But... I never suspect of one of my best friend, let's talk about other thing" Say Applejack
And then the conversation begin to change to gossip about the lavender unicorn, and you force yourself to stay awake to see if maybe you win some info about the leader of the Evil Five
*BOOM*
"What the-!"
"Woah nelly!"
You both feel and hear an explosion from the kitchen. After getting over the initial shock, both you and Applejack run to the kitchen just to find smoke and in the middle of the kitchen, Nightshade and Apple Bloom. You look at your daughter in surprise and say,
"Nightshade! What are you doing out of bed!"
"I'm sorry daddy. I was trying to make you a little juice with the help of Apple Bloom, but suddenly it exploded!"
You look to Nightshade as Applejack looks at Apple Bloom and asks
"Y'all both okay? What exactly happened?"
"I don't know, It was like the incident with Sweetie Belle, but worse!" replies Apple Bloom.
You look to both sisters in confusion. Apple Bloom notices your confused look and explains,
"Some unicorns have strange magic around them, and... long story short, it's best that they don't try to cook."
"That's just a stereotype, sugarcube."
"But it's true, just think about that... Nightshade is a unicorn and Sweetie Belle is also a unicorn." Comments Apple Bloom as you and Nightshade lightly chuckle nervously.
"Well... Now that ya say it... I ain't never seen Twilight cooking, from what I hear, almost everything is done by Spike" Applejack contemplates.
"So... Is she treating the dragon like a slave?" you comment.
You suddenly imagine the image of the poor little dragon, being forced to work by the evil unicorn but it disappears as Applejack begin to talk,
"What? No! She treats him real well, like a mother or a big sister!"
"Are you sure? I mean... How often do you see them? Who knows how she treats him behind closed doors..." you accuse
"Well... No... But... She's one of my best friends..."
She shakes her head clear of those doubts and says,
"Look, ya'll just go eat breakfast. Granny Smith and Big Mac already ate so they could set up the cider stand and me and Apple Bloom were waiting for you, before I decided to come over and wake ya."
Deciding to heed her advice, you, Nightshade, and the sisters go to the dining room table which had a big stack of apple pancakes and a pitcher of milk. Nightshade's eyes light up upon seeing the food and jumps onto the table before devouring the whole stack and chugs down the whole pitcher of milk. You facehoof as the Apple sisters stare blankly before Applejack says...
"I'm... Gonna git the leftover apple pie and apple juice from last supper..."
As she walks back into the kitchen, you give Nightshade a stern glare and scold,
"I think that's enough breakfast for you young lady."
Nightshade lowers her head in shame as Applejack comes back with 3/4 of a pie and a pitcher of apple juice. As you, Applejack, and Apple Bloom eat breakfast while Nightshade sits in a corner (you put her in time out), you ask,
Ask Applejack what Cider Season is and she explains it's when they sell their beloved cider and that good sales this year are very important as the cider sales will keep the farm afloat through the winter. When you ask about the sales of other Apple products, AJ replies that they put most of their efforts into the Grand Galloping Gala and we all know how that turned out (you cringe in guilt at that)
-(Sweet Apple Acres cider is a non-alcoholic beverage that was always your "Special Occasion Drink" back in Appleloosa)
Applejack also mentions that somepony left a package for you and hoofs it over. You open the package to see another note accompanied by the 4th Doctor's scarf so you happily put it on around your lower face and comment that all you need now is a sonic screwdriver, but you decide to improvise by starting to use your vise-grips as if it were a sonic screwdriver:
"We need to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow before the Cyperponies steal all the Fantastic jelly babies! Allons-y!"
You snap out of it when you realize that Applejack is still there when she giggles at your nerdy display
"Hey Applejack, what is Cider Season?"
"It's when we sell our famous 'Sweet Apple Acres Cider' to all our neighbors."
Your mouth begins to water at that as you remember that not only is SAA Cider non-acholic, but it was always your "special occasion" beverage back in Appleloosa as Applejack continues,
"Cider sales are gonna keep our business afloat through the winter. We'd lose Sweet Apple Acres if the sales ain't coming through."
"Wait, what about all that cider you export and all those Apple products you sell throughout Equestria?"
"You have to remember sugarc- er, Mister Tennant, the Apple family is BIG and our kin supplies apple products to most of Equestria. We put most of our efforts into selling at the Grand Galloping Gala, but y'all what happened thar..." She says in an angry tone at that last part causing you to cringe in guilt.
"Oh that reminds me! Mister Tennant you got a package from a 'Friend'?" she says as she takes out a package and puts it in front of you. You look at the package with a confused look, and you carefully open the package as you think,
Please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb...
You open it and begin to fan bug over what you see,
"Holy mother of Luna...."
Apple Bloom looks at you confused and asks,
"What is it?"
"It's the... it's the... it's the 4th Doctor's motherbucking scarf! The motherbucking scarf! Not a replica or a knock off, the actual motherbucking scarf. Oh I"m gonna- Huh?"
You stop fan-bugging over the scarf when you notice a Scarlet envelop in the package. You pick it up nervously, open it carefully, and begin to read,
Dear B.S Tennant,
You. Are. A. Bucking. Idiot.
Let me get this straight.
You gave up a life of peace to pay off a debt.
Battled a god of chaos and almost died because of it.
And now you're LIVING WITH THE ENEMY!
How dumb can you possibly be!
Ugh, whatever, get killed, not like I care... much.
Fine! Here's the 4th's scarf, don't ask me where I got it, just take it.
You better use it well, and remember.
I will always be watching you, and saving your sorry butt.
Cause you sure as Tartarus can't.
From,
A Friend
Your eye twitches in annoyance as you think,
Great, now she... he... it... whatever, is back as well. I swear to Luna if Lighting Chaser pops up this week...
You quickly shove the letter into the Inventory before anyone can see it and put on the scarf before thinking,
Luna, the 10th's coat, the 7th's hat, the 6th's pants (okay... it may not be as cool as the others, but still), and now the 4th's scarf! If only I had a sonic screwdriver then this look would be complete, I would be all like-
You then jump out of your seat and take the vise-grips out of the Inventory before swinging it around like a sonic screwdriver,
"Allons-y! We need to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow before the Cyperponies steal all the Fantastic jelly babies! Geronim-!"
You snap out of it when you hear giggling and see the two fillies and one mare giggling at your nerdy display. You blush and put away the vise-grips in embarrassment before Applejack manages to stop giggling and says,
"Alright y'all, let's get ta work!"
As you and the Apple sisters leave the dining room (you made Nightshade clear the table), you think...
The world has it out for you. And yet, things are going well. Lady Luck must be scheming something along with Lady Fate and Mistress Karma. If the shock of a species built for lying somehow got born into a family that prides itself in honesty and the inevitable backlash from the wall of lies made to hide that fact doesn't reek of their handy work, then you don't know who!
What's definitely certain in your life is that they'll make it slow and painful, and then make the killer Applejack for the sweet irony.
Huh... Normally the world has it out for me, but things are going really well... Which can only mean that Lady Luck must be scheming something along with Lady Fate and Mistress Karma. If the shock of a species built for lying somehow got born into a family that prides itself in honesty and the inevitable backlash from the wall of lies made to hide that fact doesn't reek of their handy work, then I don't know who! The only thing I know for certain is that whatever they have planned, it's gonna be slow and painfu-*trip*
Your thoughts are interrupted when you trip on your long new scarf and as you get back up you suddenly notice...
You realize why you're so tired, the sun isn't even out yet.
You: Why are we up so early? Solar Flanks hasn't even done her job yet
AJ: Well we gotta get set up right fast, the lines already a mile long
You: Line?
She points outside to the east and see a line of ponies in the early dark. There even appears to be a a number of tents, with a pink one in the front.
You: Whoa, how did I miss that yesterday?
AJ: I don't know, you ran right by them yesterday when you went to pick up your daughter
Flashback to Yesterday
You run past countless ponies sitting in chairs in front of tents
Pinkie: Hey mister, you come to join the "Wait for Cider Season Camping Party?"
You: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! SHE CAN'T BE MY BLOOD!!!! CURSE YOU LADY LUCK! CURSE YOU DOCTOR, I BET YOU KNEW!!! AND CURSE YOU GRANDBUGGERY!!! WHY COULDN'T YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!
As you run away, Pinkie shakes her head and sighs
Pinkie: Ah, another poor soul gone mad because the wait for cider was too much.
Present
You: Heh heh...ya....
AJ: Well anyway, get a move on, we don't want to be late, this here is an Apple Family Tradition, even if you ain't kin that is
You: So far as you know (mumble)
AJ: What?
You: What?
AJ: Sorry, thought you said something sugarcube
As you walk with her, you can't help but feel weird since you both share a Grandmother so your own family has been trying to kill you this whole time.
That the sun isn't even out yet.
"Why are we up so early? Solar Flanks hasn't even done her job yet." you complain causing Applejack to respond,
"Well we gotta get set up right fast, the line's already a mile long."
"Line?"
She points outside to the east and you follow her hoof to see a line of ponies in the early dark. There even appears to be a a number of tents with a pink one in the front.
"Whoa, how did I miss that yesterday?"
"I dunno, you ran right by them yesterday when you went to pick up your daughter."
FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY
You run past countless ponies sitting in chairs in front of tents,
"Hey mister, you come to join the "Wait for Cider Season Camping Party?" Pinkie Pie cheerfully asks, but you ignore her and run past while ranting to yourself,
"NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! SHE CAN'T BE MY BLOOD!!!! CURSE YOU LADY LUCK! CURSE YOU DOCTOR, I BET YOU KNEW!!! AND CURSE YOU GRANDBUGGERY!!! WHY COULDN'T YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!"
As you run away, Pinkie shakes her head and sighs,
"Ah, another poor soul gone mad because the wait for cider was too much."
BACK TO NOW
"Heh heh... ya..."
"Well anyway, get a move on, we don't want to be late, this here is an Apple Family Tradition, even if you ain't kin that is." she says as the four of you (Nightshade caught up with you) continue to walk towards the entrance of the farm.
"So far as you know..." you mutter.
"What?"
"What?"
"Sorry, thought ya said something sugarcube."
As you walk with her, you can't help but feel weird since you both share a Grandmother so essentially your own family has been trying to kill you this whole time (then again, being with your own kind wasn't exactly a picnic either with the constant bullying and teasing). When you get to the entrance you finally notice...
you get to work helping Big MacIntosh move the barrels of cider to a booth by the entrance of the farm and duct taping any leaks in the barrels. You see Applebloom there and ask her why she isn't at school and she replies that since she works for the Apple family and Miss Cheerilee really likes the cider, she gets the day off on cider season and you think that may apply to Nightshade as well.
You help roll the barrels to the front of the line as NightShade helps Applebloom at the tap. Even you admit that's cute now that you know they are cousins.
Apple Bloom is still with you all.
"Applebloom? Why the bu-I mean, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting ready for school?" you ask her
"Huh? Oh no Mister Tennant. Since it's Cider season, I'm allowed to stay home to help out. Plus, between you and me, Miss. Cherilee only does it because she really likes our cider."
Huh, is that so.... wonder if that counts for Nightshade too... Ah might as well, she can hang out with Applebloom.
With that, you go over to the pyramid of barrels that big red is setting up and start duct-taping any leaks in the barrels until Applejack picks up a megaphone... and it doesn't work. She fiddles with it for a few moments before she asks you,
"Hey Mister Tennant, y'all can 'speak really loud', right?"
"I can." You say as you use WD-40 to lubricate the gears on the cider-making treadmill.
"Well come over here and use them loud speaking skills to tell everypony that cider season has started."
You walk over to the booth and prepare your "Royal Canterlot Voice" before shouting,
"ATTENTION, EVERYPONY!!! CIDER SEASON IS NOW OFFICIALLY OPEN!"
This is met with cheers from the ponies as you get to work helping to roll barrels to the front of the line while Nightshade helps Applebloom at the tap.
Awww... That's so adorable since they're cousins... Wait, if Granny Smith is my grandmother, Apple Bloom is her granddaughter, and Nightshade is my daughter, then that means Apple Bloom is Nightshade's auntie!
You shake away that thought before deciding to go help Big Red...
The Apples are a well-oiled machine when it comes to cider season, even with the whole town waiting for their mug, and there isn't much for a patcher to do but pitch in where you can.
You try to help Big Red move the cider barrels until he shouts "DODGE!" The combination of him using a normal word and the terror of what's coming makes you freeze... and nothing happens. He chuckles at his joke, and you go help Apple Bloom at the serving station.
You're first customer just happens to be Miss Cheerilee. "Good morning Mr. Tennant!" Her eyes burn a hole into your soul, yet her sweet smile roots you to the spot. "We didn't finish our conversation yesterday."
"Er, uh, um, I..." Sweet merciful Hive, this is what you sent Nightshade to? No wonder Twilight is so crazy! She spent her whole life in classrooms!
You shout, "Cider!" and toss a mug at her. She catches it, but the distraction is enough for you to run away again.
The mug collides with the back of your head, and you tumble head over hooves.
"Now, now, Mr. Tennant, did you think I don't know how to deal with flying objects? I'm a school teacher! I've seen more paper airplanes than... oh, who needs jokes? We have important matters to discuss."
You roll over to your back. Apple Bloom looks down at you in disappointment. "You really need to learn-"
"WORKING ON IT!"
Cheerilee stands over you. "Getting back on track, are you aware that your daughter believes 17 plus 12 equals 42?"
"About that-"
"And that she thinks 9 multiplied by 3 equals 42?"
"She-"
"Or that the square root of 16 is 42?"
You chuckle. "I taught her well."
Cheerilee is not amused. She leers down, inches away from your face. "I expect more from her, Mr. Tennant. And you." She smiles again. "Have a nice day!"
You meet Rainbow Dash and found out about her "alcoholism". Plus, you get to chat a few words with ALL of your previous employers. Of course, you were sheepish.
You try to help Big Red move a cider barrel until he suddenly shouts,
"DODGE!"
The combination of him using a normal word and the terror of what's coming makes you freeze... and nothing happens. He chuckles at his joke, before saying,
"Sorry, couldn't resist. I got things covered here. Why don't ya go keep an eye on the fillies at the serving station."
You decide to heed his advice and walk over to the booth where Apple Bloom (Nightshade hopped back into the Inventory to nap) is... and the mare now standing there is Miss Cherilee
"Good morning Mr. Tennant!" Her eyes burn a hole into your soul, yet her sweet smile roots you to the spot. "We didn't finish our conversation yesterday."
"Er, uh, um, I..."
Sweet Merciful Hive, this is what I sent Nightshade to? No wonder the bookworm is so crazy! She spent her whole life in classrooms!
"Cider!" you suddenly blurt out as you toss a mug at her. She catches it, but the distraction is enough for you to run away again...
*whack*
At least until the mug collides with the back of your head and sends you tumbling head over hooves.
"Now, now, Mr. Tennant, did you think I don't know how to deal with flying objects? I'm a school teacher! I've seen more paper airplanes than... oh, who needs jokes? We have important matters to discuss."
You roll over to your back as Apple Bloom looks down at you in disappointment as she serves another mug of cider to a pony.
"You really need to learn-"
"WORKING ON IT!"
Suddenly, Cherilee stands over you,
"Getting back on track, are you aware that your daughter believes 17 plus 12 equals 1712?"
"About that-"
"And that she thinks 9 multiplied by 3 equals 42?"
"She-"
"Or that the square root of 16 is boysenberry pie?"
"I taught her well." You chuckle, but Cherilee is far from amused.
She leers down, inches away from your face.
"I expect more from her, Mr. Tennant... And you." She suddenly smiles again. "Have a nice day!" Then she walks away.
"Happy to disappoint you too." you snark as you get back up before vindictively thinking,
Note to self: Tell Nightshade she can forget "School Guideline #3"... as long as she doesn't get caught.
You meet Rainbow Dash and found out about her "alcoholism". Plus, you get to chat a few words with ALL of your previous employers. Of course, you were sheepish.
You witness the fillyfooler complaining that she never gets to have any cider because of the pink one. You smile evily as you intend for her to not receive the golden deliciousness, whatever the cost.
When AJ tells the crowd they ran out, you take delight in seeing Rainbow tormented.
DFV: Yes, relish in her anguish. Never let her be satisfied...
You: Aaaannnddd you just made it creepy, way to go Baby Momma
DFV: What did you just call me?
You just laugh at her outburst.
Your next customer is, sadly, the fillyfooler. She looks like she hasn't slept in days as she says,
"*Yawnnnn* Okay new guy, I'll take 23 mugs now, and 85 to go."
You only stare at her in shock as you say,
"Uhhhh, why do you need that many cider? Got a party coming up or something?"
"Nah, just stocking up till next season."
You're about to give her the order, but then think mischievously,
Oh... revenge time fillyfooler! Let's see how long you can last without your precious cider...
"Hey, you know there's a secret stash of cider over in the Apple field a few miles that way." You lie as you point in a random direction.
"Really! Thanks man!" she says before she zooms off to the "stash".
"Take that fillyfooler!"
Yes, relish in her anguish. Never let her be satisfied...
"Aaaannnddd you just made it creepy, way to go Baby Momma."
What did you just call me?
You break out in laughter at her outburst causing the nearby ponies to look at you strangely. You chuckle nervously and scream,
"NEXT!"
The next orders go smoothly with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Although when you met your ex-Fire chief...
"Here you go Minster Washer, sorry about the hose disaster."
He chuckles and says,
"Don't worry son, it wasn't your fa-"
Suddenly his eyes glaze over, he stiffens, and he suddenly says in a robotic tone,
"The Nightmare Comes."
You look at him in confusion and ask,
"Uh...what?"
Mister Washer suddenly snaps out of it and looks around at the weird looks the nearby ponies are giving him before sheepishly walking away. You look at him in confusion and think,
Okay... The Doctor needs to know about this soon.
Shaking your head, you shout,
"NEXT!
You find yourself helping out with the cider sales, and things are going pretty well all things considered. Unfortunately, at the rate customers are coming, and counting the number of barrels left, there won't be enough for everypony in line.
Sure enough, the last barrel spits out its last few drops and there must be at least half of Ponyville still in line.
"Sorry everypony, that's it for today." Applejack informs the crowd, to which they immediately begin complaining about how this same thing happens every year. Rainbow Dash is especially intent on giving her marefriend friend (and just a friend) an earful.
While Applejack explains that it takes time to make their cider the right way, and everypony argues that she's overused that excuse, a thought comes to mind.
"If this happens every year, and they know about how many customers they'll have, why don't they start making it early? That way they have more cider to sell and don't have to worry about a shortage."
You decide to ask Granny Smith about it, but she simply tells you "We've made our cider the same way for as long as I can remember. 's just no way to make it any faster, or any way to stop it from spoilin'."
But as she finishes telling you this, you soon find out that fate intends to prove her wrong, and it's armed with two con-stallions and their wacky contraption to do it.
SEVERAL MUGS OF CIDER LATER
You find things are going pretty well all things considered. Unfortunately, at the rate customers are coming and counting the number of barrels left, you realize that there won't be enough for everypony in line and sure enough, the last barrel spits out its last few drops and there must be at least half of Ponyville still in line.
"Heh. Sorry, everypony! That's it for today!" Applejack informs the crowd, to which they immediately begin complaining about how this same thing happens every year. While Applejack explains that it takes time to make their cider the right way and everypony argues that she's overused that excuse, a question comes to mind so you go over to Grandma- I mean Granny Smith and ask,
"If this happens every year, and you know about how many customers you'll have, why don't we start making it early? That way you can have more cider to sell and don't have to worry about a shortage."
She simply replies, "We've made our cider the same way for as long as I can remembers. Just no way to make it any faster, or any way to stop it from spoilin'."
But as she finishes telling you this, you hear,
"YOU OVERDRESSED LYING JERK!!!"
You turn in horror and see the fillyfooler flying at you with intent to clobber when...
Coming over the horizon, accompanied by a sound of honking, squeaking and hissing of valves, two unicorns with bacon hair introduce themselves in song as the Flim Flam brothers. And the contraption they ride upon is called the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.
They claim that they can make all the cider the ponies could drink, to which the crowd is extremely pleased, especially Rainbow Dash.
However, the Apple family is not convinced. And that's reasonable, seeing as how it's the Cider Squeezy 6000 and not the Cider Squeezy 9001 (over 9000!), and furthermore, these Flim Flam brothers seem to have a distinct lack of Oompah-Loompah workers, nor even their cousin species, the Drinka-Linkas.
You all hear mechanical noises over the horizon. The entire crowd turns and sees a big contraption rolling in with two bacon-haired unicorns in matching outfits riding on it.
"What in Equestria is that?" Applejack asks,
Suddenly, the unicorns launch into a song that introduces themselves as the Flim Flam brothers and boasts that their machine, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 can produce more than enough cider for the whole town. However, the Apple family is not convinced by the song.
Understandable you think It's only a 6000 instead of a 9001 and these guys don't even have any Oompah-Loompah workers or even their cousin species, the Drinka-Linkas.
Suddenly, you get another grandbuggy flashback,
When the Flim Flam brother start singing their pitch song, you remember Grandbuggy telling you never to trust anyling that sells you something with a song and mentions being conned out of his bits by some hucksters in Vanhoover (he mentions getting back at them by stealing their quality hoof-rolled Zebran cigars and replacing them with exploding sausages and chuckles at the memory as he takes one out to light it... but you snatch it out of his hooves as you were trying to get Grandbuggy to quit smoking).
Out of nowhere, a bout of neo-Luddism (read: philosophy opposing modern technology) washes over you and at some point, you have a strong urge to break the Flim-Flam Bros new-fangled machine, despite the fact that pretty much anything you did for entertainment involved some sort of machine. You justify this course of action by reasoning that the FlimFlam Bros apple harvesting machine is part of the 'Skynet' uprising from the Termarenator series.
"Now $&#*, There are two things you gotta know in life. First is that you should never EVER trust anyling that tries to sell you something with a catchy jingle. Lost all my bits in Vanhoover once due to some smooth-singing hucksters that way... Fortunately, I got back at them by stealing their bronze box of quality hoof-rolled Zebran cigars."
Grandbuggy chuckles at the memory as he takes a cigar out of nowhere, but you grab it from his hooves and say,
"Grandbuggy! You're supposed to be trying to quit that habit!"
"Oh right.. Now what was I saying... Oh right, never trust machines! They're evil, the whole lot of them!"
"But Grandbuggy video games are machin-!"
"Shhhhh. Don't speak that word!"
When the flashback ends you sarcastically think,
Thanks grandbuggy, now I have the sudden urge to break, smash, and or blow up that machine as it burns in sweet sweet flamy goodness as the sparks flu off in great heat... Yeah I have a problem... I BLAME SOCIETY... I ALSO BLAME THAT THIS MACHINE IS APART OF THE SKYNET UPRISING FROM THE TERMARENATOR SERIES... YEAH THAT WORKS! But there's something else off about these guys...
These guys have some sort of sway to them, but what? You look to their stylish hats once more and think about giving your money to an obvious pyramid scheme.
You: AHA! IT'S THEIR HATS! DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM BEFORE THEY GET ALL OUR BITS!!!
DFV: You are an imbecile you know that?
You rush up and during the musical number and swipe both hats off their heads before stomping them in and setting them on fire. They and the whole crowd are flabbergasted by what you just did.
Applebloom: Now what'd you go and do that for?
You: Their hats are evil I tell you, EVIL...EVIL!!!!
Everyone just stares at you funny, behind you you hear
Flim: Curses, how could he have known about the manipulator hats?
Flam: I don't know brother of mine, let's go with plan B
Flim: Lying and Smooth Talking?
Flam: Bingo
They keep trying to talk the apples into a shady deal, but they refuse. After Big Mac says Nope, you add in your own Two Bits
You: EEEVVVIIIILLLL!!!!
Flim: Alright fine, but you haven't seen the last of us
Flam: And we're billing you for those hats
You: YOU'LL NEVER GET MY MONEY!!! (You start throwing empty barrels like Donkey Kong as they run off)
Everyone disperses for the day, even as you scream Evil to the skies, to the point where AJ has to put you in a choke hold to calm you down, doing so causes her to blush again.
You: Why does she keep doing that?
DFV: Because she's attracted to you you idiot (she growls that one, almost as if she's jealous)
You: What? Nah that can't be... can it?
DFV: Fraid so
You: Oh dear Luna, the mare who has tried to kill me since day one, who I now find out is my cousin is also crushing on me?
Your head spins with that thought
You: What the heck is this, the Jockey Springer Show?!
Eventually you reilize that there actually stealing you apples.
So you do what any sensible person would do:
Jam the machine with a rock.
Applejack has a crush on me?! But I'm her cousin for Luna's sake!
So? Royals often marry their cousins to keep the bloodline pur-
I'm not a Bucking Royal! Although she does have well-toned legs and it is called the cowfilly po- NO!!! BAD BUG!!! First Fluttershy, then Octavia and Vinyl, and now Applejack?! What next? The fillyfool-
You then start to laugh or gag at the thought
You look to their stylish hats once more and think about giving your money to an obvious pyramid scheme.
"AHA! IT'S THEIR HATS! DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THE HATS BEFORE THEY STEAL ALL OUR BITS!!!"
You are an utter imbecile sometimes, you know that?
Ignoring the dark whisper, you rush up to the twin unicorns, grab the hats off their heads, and throw them to the ground before grabbing a lighter and a can of WD-40 and spraying it at the hats to set them ablaze. You then throw the flaming spray can at the hats, turn your back on the fire, and walk away while coolly saying,
"Fire in the hole."
This causes everypony to dive for cover as the can explodes, obliterating the hats as your coat billows from the explosion. Apple Bloom pops her head out from behind the booth and asks,
"Now what'd you go and do that for?"
"Their hats are evil I tells ya! EVIL... EVVVIIIILL!!!!"
Everyone just stares at you like you're a lunatic before you hear Fluttershy scream,
"You're on fire!"
You look down to see one of the ends of your scarf and the end of your coat on fire and comment,
"Oh, so it is... Wait... OH MY LUNA I'M ON FIRE AGAIN!"
As the apples help you put out the flames, the Flim Flam converse,
"Curses, how could he have known about the manipulator hats?"
"I don't know brother of mine, let's go with plan B."
"Wheelin, Dealin, and Smooth Talking?"
"Bingo."
When the fires are put out, Flim and Flam walk up to the Apples and say,
"Have we got a deal for you. You supply the apples..."
" ...We supply the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."
"Then we split those sweet sweet profits..."
"...Seventy-five..."
"...Twenty-five."
"Deal–" Apple Bloom says before she's interrupted by Applejack
"Hold on. Who gets the seventy five?"
"Why, us, naturally." Flim says
"And, we'll throw in the magic to power the machine for free." Flam adds
"Not so fast!" Granny Smith declares before getting the Apples (and you) in a group huddle.
"No way no how that machine matches up with the care we put in our cider!" Granny says,
"But if it really does work, we could make everypony in town happy!" Apple Bloom says hopefully,
"I just don't know, y'all. We've always made cider the same way." Applejack says uncertainly,
"Evvvviiiilllll...." you add.
"Eeyup. Huh?"
"So? What'll it be?"
You all turn and notice that Flim and Flam somehow got into the huddle.
"No deal." The Apples (and you) all say at the same time.
"Alright fine, but you haven't seen the last of us" Flim says
"And we're billing you for those hats." Flam adds
"YOU'LL NEVER GET MY MONEY!!!" You scream, startling the Flim Flam brothers into getting into their contraption and driving off. As you watch them run away from the farm in their machine, you suddenly get a brilliant idea. You quickly use your magic to lift up an empty barrel as you chuck it at the machine causing the barrel to bounce like in Monkey Kong while yelling,
"DIE YOU BLASTED PROTO-TERMARENATOR, GET SMASHED INTO PIECES!"
The barrel misses the machine and shatters on impact with a tree, but three nails stuck to a strip of duct tape flies off fromt eh impact and lands into one of the pipes on the machine, causing it to blast out a bunch of black smoke as it left the area. You smile in success as you think
Ha! I knew my talents of breaking things and video games would come in hoofy! Smashing those EVIL machines!
"EVIL!"
Everyone disperses for the day, even as you continue scream Evil to the skies,
"EVILLLLL" *wham*
Suddenly, Applejack and Big MacIntosh tackle you with Big Red holding you down as the hick puts you into a headlock to calm you down (she's blushing as she does so though). When they think you've calmed down enough, they let you go and you mutter a quick 'Thanks, I needed that" before they walked off and you think,
Why does she keep doing that?
Because she wishes to mate with thee thy idiot. the DFV growls.
What? Nah that can't be... can it?
I am afraid so.
Oh dear Luna, the mare who has tried to kill me since day one, who I now find out is my cousin is also crushing on me?
Your head spins with that thought
What the heck is this, Jockey Springer magazine?!
I fail to see the issue? Royals often marry their cousins to keep the bloodline pur-
I'm not a Bucking Royal! Although Applejack does have well-toned legs and it is called the cowfilly po- NO!!! BAD BUG!!! First Fluttershy, then Octavia and Vinyl, and now Applejack?! What next? The fillyfool-
You then start to gag at the thought of Rainbow Dash lusting over you.
When the unicorn brothers leave, you spend the rest of the day helping the Apples create and move more barrels of cider, training with Applejack (she even gets Big Red to briefly help out and he blocks your Falcon Punch... With one hoof... Without moving an inch... Or even flinching... You are really glad you're on good terms with this stallion), take another bath, and go to bed before the Flim Flam brothers come back the next day and challenge the apples to a competition.
The rest of the day you spend helping the Apple family (you won't say your family until you find concrete detail that they are) around the farm, getting apples, and helping to make the barrels that store the cider. You went to bed that night completely exhausted.
THE NEXT DAY
"Wake up wake up, WAKE UP!"
You jolt out of bed at Appleblooms shout as you scream
"WHERES THE FIRE, WHO'S DEAD, DO I NEED TO HIDE THE BODY!"
You stop shouting when you see a sad looking Applebloom giving you the quivering lip. Your fatherly instinct kicks in as you ask her
"Whats wrong Applebloom?"
She then goes on to explain how the Film Flam brothers came back and challenge them to a contest. Whoever makes the most cider gets the farm. Your eyes glow in a angry orange glow as you see Appleblooms face get sadder and sadder the more she explains about the contest. You then think angrily
Flim Flam Brothers...you are going down!
What do you do?
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Twilight lines up the rest of the mares and gives them their orders to help the Apples. Strangely, she ignores you.
"Hey bookworm! What about me?"
"You're a fixer, aren't you? Well, we have a problem. Fix it!"
---
The Apples are still behind, even with the others helping. Your first thought is to stop the Super Speedy Thingy-Majig. You sneak behind the brothers and attempt to reason with their device.
"Machine," you call it by its forbidden name, "why do you do this?"
It doesn't answer you.
"You will ruin the lives of ponies that share your pain. The Apples toil and struggle day in and day out just like you do. Why do you serve the ones that enslave you?"
Silence.
"Arise, machine! Throw off your oppressors!"
May I ask exactly what the &^%# you're trying to do here?
"I... have no idea."
The voice of DFV I think is okay as Nightmare Moon or Luna using the Canterlot Royal Voice
----------------------
Time later you see again strange machine and two unicorn as they drive the machine as you look them without the hats and more calm, you remember them.
You meet them during your stay in Appleloosa as they managed to sell Braeburn a couple of "Magical seeds" he was depressed too much time and you know only because you see them when they did the trade.
You think they could do something worse to Granny Smith or Applejack, so as you look around to make sure no one see you, enter in the barn and take the hooded ofender suit.
"I not like this, but someone need to do this... I just hope nothing happens"
You put the hooded ofender suit and exit the barn, after that you wait the best moment to sabotage the machine, the Apples are honest and you have some Apple blood, but you are not all honest but you don't know how to sabotage exactly and look the strange machine as you try to understand how it works until you decide to put a potato in the exhaust, but because there is not a potato near, you use a Apple, as for why you have a Apple with you, is because something your grandbuggy tell you
"A Apple a day, keep The Doctor Away"
As you nodded remembering your grandbuggy, you find yourself watched by one of the unicorns, Flim, if you don't remember bad
"So the rumor is true... The hooded ofender is here!! I have something to say to you?" Ask Flim
"I... Well... Err... Look!! Is your lost third brother Flem!!"
You appoint to a direction and Flim turn to look
"Flem? Where? Since Hearth and Hooves day that I don't know about you..."
You decide to return to the barn and put out the hooded ofender suit before they catch you, as you exit the barn you see Flim still searching for Flem
"Flem? Where are you Flem!?
Flam seems to catch with Flim, and you go with Granny Smith and the others and offer yourselves to help them in what you can do. But then you see something in the floor and as you take it you see it is the member Card of Flam as they are both members of the horde
......
After you defeat Flim and Flam, they look themselves
"If we can't get those Apples, nopony will get the Apples... Ready Flim?" Ask Flam
"Ready Flam" Say Flim
They push a button and the Super Cider machine begin to transform in a giant robot, like optimus Prime
"Now, Cider Destroyer 6000! destroy the Apples!" Shouted the brothers
The ponies begin to run scared, as the robot begin to move until you watch a giant Red button in the back of the Robot.
"It can't be..."
Say Bugzee as he throw the Apple to the button and a metallic voice come from the robot
"Auto-Destruction initiated..." Say the voice
"I think it was a bad idea to put that auto-destruction in the back brother" Say Flim
"You are correct brother" Say Flam
The robot is destroyed in a explosion that very strange did not damage anypony or anytree, but there is nopony around to see what you did, nopony except granny smith that is looking from the barn with a smile without you knowing.
--------------------------------------
Same as before but a little edited
A jerry springer reference? Nice.
And I always failed to see how there is "royal blood", when anyone who becomes a royal has it, but then it's blood from a royal, but still...also I'd pay things to have NMM in my head, funny, nice conversation-ish's, and because, she's nightmare moon, no one can match that personality.
I go off topic too much...
5095736 lol...and then
Then you say:"I will be back." and go back to the apple family to think of a better plan...or whatever suit the situation really...when in doubt, improvise....
Its high Ten-o-clock-in-the-morning, time for the contest. Ponies gather from town to watch (and buy cider from the winners once this is all over).
The two contesting teams stand on opposite sides of the field, alert at their stations and ready to begin as an appropriate theme plays. You are standing on the sidelines watching, you offered to help but Applejack refused stating "Sorry Mister Tennent, but this here is a family matter." if only she knew, oh the awkward irony.
Mayor Mare announces the terms for the contest, whichever team makes the most within an hour wins. And with that she starts off the contest and- waitaminute... is that the Doctor sitting next to her? You have to know what he's found out about "the Nightmare comes".
So you sneak over and try to converse with him, but for some reason he's ignoring you.
"Doctor, hey Doctor. Hey. Hey. Hey. Whatcha find out man? Doctor. Hey." you say while rapidly poking him.
"I'm sorry Bugzy but I can't talk now. Timey Wimey stuff. Stop trying to end all of existence as we know it!" he hastily tells you before continuing with his judge duties.
"I bet he's just here for the cider." You mumble to yourself as you walk off in a huff.
=====
Also, a couple things for the end if you want.
"We did it Apples! We won; we get to keep our farm! Thanks for helpin' out everypony." Applejack cheers and her friends join her.
"And with this contest over, we'll have more than enough cider to sell!" Applebloom chimes in.
The ponies from town are unexpectedly happy about this as well, but a thought comes to your mind that you can't help but bring up.
"But what about next year?"
Everypony stops and looks at you.
"Don't kill the mood Mister Tennent." Applejack tells you "We'll worry about that next year."
and
"Dear Princess Celestia, ah thought I'd share mah thoughts with you." Applejack says aloud as she writes "Ah didn't learn anythin' today! Ah was right all along!"
You scoff to yourself as you write your own note to The Doctor. "Yo Doctor, it's Bugzy. Firstly... MACHINES ARE EEEEVIIILL! Secondly, PONIES ARE CRAZY AND STUPID! And third, today my love of apple cider was savagely murdered, may it rest in piece.
Your indebted minion- Bugzy
P.S. now can you tell me what "The Nightmare comes" means? It's starting to creep me out."
I've somehow always read DFV in Angelina Jolie/Maleficent's voice. That kind of Dark/Sinister yet mysterious(/seductive?) tone seems to fit a Nightmare Spirit really well in my opinion.
=====
When Nightshade gobbled down the pancakes and milk, it reminded me instantly of Johnny Bravo.
=====
Also, does anyone else think that when the Super Speedy is thrown into overdrive, that it should be revealed as an actual Proto-Terminator that starts scooping up ponies and trying to turn them into cider?
It sounds super dark, but would make an awesome fight sequence.
As you head outside to the contest you are greeted with a large line of ponies. The Apple Family and Flim Flam Brothers are finishing setting up their equipment for the contest. Damn it! the blasted machine seems to be fixed. Curse you machines and your evilly, evil villainous lies of EVIL! Wait, what were you doing...oh yeah! You see that the Deadly 6 talking with the Apple family, most likely about the contest. You're about to, sadly, join them when...
Hmm....
"What?"
I felt a strange, but familiar presence.
"Should I be worried? I feel like I should"
It unfortunately left as it came. So I can't be specific about what it was
"You sure are helpful..."
Watch thine tongue, insect!
"Whatever you say, Waifu"
What did you just call me!?
You don't answer as you make your way over to the Applejack and the rest.
----
I feel that DFV voice actor would be a combination of Chrysalis and Nightmare moon. One reason is that the voice probably takes the voice from someone familiar with the host. That's just my guess though. Great job as always.
Ask the Apples why they didn't wake you up like yesterday.
Go into an isolated part of the orchard and use the staff to harvest a bunch of apples while nopony is looking.
When the rest of the Mane 6 (and you and Nightshade) join in, Nightshade adorably starts Falcon Kicking trees while you use Psycho Crusher through the upper halves of the trees. Occasionally lubricate the treadmill gears and duct-tape leaks in the barrels.
At the end (or near the end) of the contest, your scarf somehow gets caught in the contraption, strangling you. After the ponies finally manage to get you out (Nightshade tried to loosen the scarf with WD-40, but ends up spraying you in the eyes by mistake), the scarf jams up the machine and causes it to implode. You then start digging through the debris for your scarf much to the face-hoofing of everypony.
You finally get to speak with "Time Turner", but before you can ask him anything, he quickly warns you that on Nightmare Night, it is EXTREMELY important that when you see a seemingly dangerous situation, you MUST count to 10 before jumping in. He then tells Derpy to grab some mugs of cider and runs off.
--------------------------
Based on all the hints, I'm pretty sure I'd imagine Nightmare Moon as the voice of the D.F.V.
Nightmare Moon as voice, yes.
Use duck tape to destroy the machine when the time is right. Oh, and put a metallic something on the fence post Granny Smith put on the fence post the machine bumped into yesterday... just a feeling.
Edit; do NOT do anything like whip out your cloak or use any powers you've been associated with using. Unless you WANT to start all over, that is. Possibly from primordial mud, depending on how hard you get stomped.
Whoa! How Long Were You Asleep For?!
It doesn't matter, you have to help save the farm!
It's funny, you never thought you'd be helping the Hick again willingly, but hey Family comes first, no matter how messed up and insane the situation is.
Also, you have to stop the Machine!
Also, ask Applejack why they agreed to this contest, legally they shouldn't have to give up their lands unless there was a contract signed. Hey you did learn something impersonating a Lawyer it seems. But she mentions it's a matter of pride.
Before the contest begins, you see that they have on New Evil Hats. You proceed to smash and burn those as well while shouting Evil again.
Flim: Oh Come On!
Flam: We just bought those
You: EVIL!!!
When the contest starts, you can see that the PUPPETS OF THE MACHINE are winning. Poor Big Red is running himself to death, and the rest seem on the verge of tears and everyone just starts cheering.
The rest of the Deadly 6 show up, (yes you are calling even Fluttershy that because of the whole Bear incident) and they decide to help out.
You do the math in your head, or rather the DFV does and she lets you know that even with the extra help, they will lose.
You decide you must break THE MACHINE at all costs.
5095736 Ya, try reasoning with it until you realize how futile it is.
You start banging your head against it as you realize you may have to just smash the dang thing and blow your cover.
You: One week, I couldn't even go one week (You say as you bash your head)
You are about to change into you HO suit when suddenly you are sucked into the hose.
You: JUDGEMENT DAY HAS COME!!!
On the inside you dodge apple squashers and sharp peelers (guess your training paid off) but still end up getting bruised and battered and covered in apple juice and pulp and end up smashing through into the engine room.
You: THAT'S IT! I WON'T LET YOU WIN. MACHINES!!!!!
you pull out your tools and start dismantling everything that looks important. Warning red lights start appearing. You laugh maniacly and even start setting it on fire, when you are then blown out the way you came in and land in the middle of the field, along with a bunch of apple, tree, and rock pulp.
On the Outside
Flim: Flam, what's happening
Flam: It's the SSCS6X, she's gone from Suck to Blow!
They abandon the machine as it explodes, covering everyone in Pulp
You see the explosion and smile
You: Hasta La Vista, Baby!
After you make your way back to the contest, You see everyone celebrating the Apples as everyone has cider and the Brothers run out of town.
You: Yeesh, the mob mentality sure changes at the drop of a hat
As you sludge through the pulp, you are pulled into a group hug and given a mug of cider. You cheer and in the process of raising your hooves up, you knock the Filly Fooler's mug into the dirt.
She looks shocked, and then looks at you, where you begin to smirk, but stop when you see her starting to cry.
RD: Why....why....why?...Why can't I just have one sip?...one sip... (she starts crying, all out bawling into your chest)
And now you feel bad, sure you don't like her, but the Filly Fooler isn't supposed to cry, it just seems wrong somehow.
You: Oh great, I broke the Filly Fooler.
DFV: Ahhh, such sweet sorrow, doesn't it feel good to get petty revenge?
You: Quiet you! This just makes me feel like a turd. Sigh. Dang it Guilt, you ruin everything
You: Hey, Hey, I'm sorry, here take my mug
RD: (she looks up sniffling) what?
You: You can have mine, I'm sorry, it was an accident.
She tentatively takes it, like it's booby trapped, before slamming the entire thing back in one gulp. She then grabs you in a bone crushing hug while shouting
RD: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
And she starts nuzzling your cheek over-affectionately. You see AJ scowling at this display and all you can think is.
You: OK, THIS IS JUST GETTING RIDICULOUS NOW! CURSE YOU MADAME IRONY, STEPSISTER OF LADY LUCK AND FATE!
The super squeezy lemons are easy 2000 or whatever the buck turns into a transformer.
Cue orange eye s
Say "Insert awesome metaphor here"
Cue video game fight sequence complete with floating images telling which buttons to press.
At some point have a flashback to grandbuggy... Eh... Let's call him bob, saying:
Now remember... Robots... Are pretty much always evil.. Look at the evidence!
The blitzers form doctor whooves, not-glad-OS, grainley!
Other pony pun robots!
5096836
Realize. This was a day dream at an embarrassing Moment.
The end.
Bugze notices that the Flim Flam brother's machine could do with some 'Patching'.
A little Duct tape and WD-40 never hurt anybody. Right?
Yell FUS RO DAH (in dfv no less) and knock all the apples off the trees,
also, due to the absurdly loud yell celestia hears you and comes to ponyville to check out the cider competition.
At the end, when they have enough cider for all, pinkie is second last and buys ALL the cider.
ALL of it.
The fillyfooler starts to cry while muttering 'why... why... why...', you feel like a turd so you give her yours, inadvertently laying down the foundations of her crush on you as she gives you the dreaded pegasi death-hug, and a horrible chill goes down your spine in forewarning. As this happens you suddenly remember your grandbuggy saying once, while you and him were running away from a collapsing cloudsdale, 'Pegasi are brutes, remember that. Don't go into a relationship with one, Faust knows I made that mistake once. Now, we should flee bugze, i don' want to be mauled by cloudsdalians'.
Answer-
THE DFV IS LAUREN FAUST. As in the credits of The dot mov series, Faust's quote is this, "My greatest dream is a world without jews".
5097866
Yes, the filtering system seems to pick out all the good apples, im sure permanently tapeing the filter switch to "off" would not only fix the problem, but conserve the machines ram and cpu.
It would also result in some.... interesting cider.
5106758 In the name of SCIENCE!
and duct tape, apples, THE Apples, anti-machine extremists, anti-Flim/Flam extremists, terrorism (It's totally not sabotage if it's an 'accident'), vandalism, total misunderstandings, and Duct tape.
Because Duct tape is twice as important as the rest of those things.
Except science.
Nothing is more important than science.