You have been working for the Apple Family for months now, but you find yourself unable to tell anypony your true thoughts and feelings. Instead you hide behind a mask so convincing that even the Element of Honesty believes it.
This story takes place in the same universe as my first story, Rising Sun, so if you have some questions look there before asking them. Anyway, enjoy this, and the two sequels, I Would Give to You, and Faux Pas of the Heart. Links to those stories can be found in the final chapter.
As of 9/14/12 10:51 Eastern Time Approval rating is 96.125%
Chapters (21)
Another new story? You're on a roll here!
Interesting...
lookin' good. have a thumb, a fav and a stache.
at least you don't write AJ as a retarded redneck with her speaking, like most stories.
546861 most stories shes not like that but her accent is
546861
Don't you think its unfair to judge a character
so poorly because the author writes their voice coherent to their accent?
546969
i didn't say i thought she was one, that's just how other authors portray her
at least thats how i see it
546969
and anyway, people have seen the show. they know how she sounds. there's really no need to write her like a hick
547003
How do you mean?
547003 But they're not writing her as a hick, they're just trying to translate her accent into text to maintain the flavor. It does wonders keeping her in character, unless you suddenly expect Applejack to have prim and proper speech comparable to that of Rarity's.
I'm inclined to agree with DMDeck16. Writing her speech with her accent also adds a little bit of a writing challenge, what with trying to transfer how you hear it to how you write it down.
Nice, Howitzer. Keep it up.
new story?img.ponibooru.org/_images/4e0e53d7008dd5ee4e8604f1a118f841/35231%20-%20caption%20It%27s_beautiful%20rainbow_dash%20repetitive.jpg
547482 MY GOD! It's you! I can't believe that you like one of my stories! I absolutely adore Truth or Dare, and to see you liking one of my works is amazing to me. This is amazing enough to me that you get your own reply, since I make it a habit to respond to every single comment I get. Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to read what I've written, and even favorite it.
Damn i really like this, beautifully written. please update soon!
548261
Well! Erm...
I didn't think you held me in such high regard. I'm just a humble author that constantly battles with Writer's Block (think of Holmes and Moriarty having a lightsaber duel in a gladitorial arena. THAT constantly).
Thank you for giving me your own reply to my comment. Despite my agreement with DMDeck16, I already heard Applejack's accent in my mind while I was reading it. It's up to you whether or not to rewrite her dialogue, but for me, hearing it is just as good for this story.
Ok reading this despite the fact it's 6 am here, I've just returned from a party and I feel like death warmed up.
Thank you so much for making an AJ ship!
546833 Three hours of writing, and a sudden desire for something new to do. I was writing the newest chapter for Rising Sun, but I couldn't seem to get anything written that seemed good enough. Sure, I did get some down, but then I decided to do an experiment in description, and so this story was born. I am going to be using this as a basis for descriptive story telling, so I am not entirely sure just how things will go here.
546855 I can't quite tell if this is a good interesting, or a bad interesting.
546857 You're too kind.
546861 I find that her accent lends itself to being made into a retarded redneck, but it requires deliberately doing that. I tried to give her voice the accent, without making it too thick, since it can be easy to do that. I simply took one feature of her speaking, and turned that into her accent. I leave it up to the reader to put the rest of her accent in there. Although I may go back and get rid of even that, and leave it to the reader to put in her accent on their own.
546948>>546969>>546861 I'm trying to think of a way to get my input in here, responding to it all in turn, but I can't rightly think of a way to do so. Instead I'll just explain it the way I do it. When I write up any dialogue in my stories I say it in my head first, and then I write it. After I have it written I take into account the character in question, either adding to their line, or taking away. I try to change a bit of what Applejack says to reflect her accent, without making it come across as too thick. She's not a hick, and so I try to avoid throwing too many changes in, and so you get the dialogue that I have written.
547154 This is what I mean. She needs a measure of characterization in order for her to really be Applejack. She could be written in perfectly correct speaking prose, but where is the life going to come from? I write her as I do because it makes sense and it adds life to her character. Flat prose makes flat characters.
547482 You got your response...
548069 First, I love the picture. Second, No. It's not a new story, what made you think that? (Captain, the sarcasm meters are off the charts!)
548482 I'll do what I can, and the beautiful writing was intentional. Not because I normally write ugly stories, but because the focus for this story is the descriptive side of things. I want to practice how I talk about things that are scenery, rather than people/ponies, and the things they do. It was a challenge to do, and I'm happy with the results, and my decision to do this project.
548701 Perhaps you should get some rest, and read it later. It's not going anywhere...
548705 I aim to please, but that pleasure was reserved for myself. Still, I'm glad to see that you like it too.
548549 Why wouldn't I hold you in high regard? You wrote a phenomenal story, and it's one of the few that I reread quite often. As for her accent? Well, I am debating whether or not to keep it. I can see both sides to the argument, but as I said in my grand response to every other comment, this is to help add character to her voice. When I write a dialogue, and both characters are speaking with proper grammar, and elegant word choice, it comes across as awkward. I know precious few people who are so mindful of how they speak, and so adding in accents, and mixing up word choice, adds depth to the characters. I have thought of not adding the accent, but most of the time my desire to see the characters properly represented, at least in my mind, wins out over the desire to see proper dialogue... If that makes sense. Anyway, I hope to hear more from you in the future, and don't worry about the writers block. I often have to deal with it, and more often than not I lose to the block, and then I write anyway. I just fight through it with good music, and a can of coke. Although the coke is optional.
550642
Oh, sorry.
Good interesting
Do you know how tiresomely tiring it is to read text that hates double enter?
Come on, it's not that bad.
Otherwise, aces.
551339 Most excellent. I will be sure to keep up this standard as I continue the tale.
551468 Double spaced for your reading convenience.
552767
Excellent, instantly less intimidating to read, probably for more than just me.
552767
Very good, very good, what what
Also, I must so commend you for the aforementioned double spacing. It is most certainly less intimidating and quite spiffing.
...I haven't the faintest idea why I'm being so overly English...
553272 Because being English is awesome. No further reason is needed, really.
553069 Yeah, probably. And it's not that I have a problem with doing it, it's simply that I don't think to do so. I'll take some time and do that with all my stories.
Really liking the setup for this story. Keep it up, man - it definitely exceeds any crap that I've written haha
-Dog
Consider my heart warmed.
Something special is brewing...
I think I have to say that Applejack is my favourite shipping pony. I just find that she is always presented with a certain charm that comes from her hardworking and honest personalty, not to mention she somehow manages to be attractive to everypony without worrying about her appearance.
I dunno what it is, but I'm not a big fan of Applejack. I'd have to rate her only one higher than RD at the bottom of my personal scale. Yet, despite this I can't help but like stories which tend to be Applecentric like this. It's odd, it's just hard to dislike her when she'd presented like this. Further than that, it's easy to like her.
657911 I'll consider it warmed, but only slightly. There's still quite a bit to go, and things may not go so smoothly the whole way.
659372 That's part of why I chose her for a story. I'm eventually going to do another story like this for each of the others, but for now Applejack's the only one to have one like this by me. As for something special brewing? Well, you'll just have to wait and see what happens.
663592 I can understand not being a big fan of Applejack. For some her accent, or personality, is sometimes not the most appealing. For me, my least favorite is Rarity, but I can't really put it into words. I don't dislike any of the main 6, it's just that she happens to be my least favorite. And what do you mean, 'when she's presented like this.'?
663756 Stories that just kinda have Applejack in them don't do me, and I find myself glossing over her myself when writing. When she's presented as the close focus of a story, with it well and truly centring on her with little outside excess (just like this) I find I can bring myself to like her. Ones where she's a solid main character but there's others I can tolerate her in. Stories about someone else whenever she comes in I get a little annoyed, but not as much as when Rainbow walks in.
I don't think it's the accent, or personality, those are endearing traits when you've got a story focusing on her, that's pretty much all you've got in those kinds of stories. I guess it's when she's shown interacting with others it's almost always one track, narrow and stubborn minded, which really gets up my nose. Almost as much as Rainbow's arrogant, flighty, one track, pig headedness. The problem there is that with Rainbow you get that whether she's with someone else or just on her own.
Leastways, that's how I see it. It's never as much as hate, or real disdain I guess, but I certainly dislike Rainbow Dash and have a very on/off with Applejack.
663779 Well than I'll do my best to show her in a favorable light. And there will eventually be some interaction with others, but I'm not going to portray her as being overly stubborn, or narrow minded. As much as I think I could do a story with little outside interaction, I already can't do that, simply because of what I've revealed about you. Anyway, I'll do what I can to prevent her from being a unlikable character. That simply wouldn't do!
663790 Dude, don't sweat it. I was pointing out earlier that you're already doing a good job of that, so worry not. Worry not.
Well, that escalated quickly.
I would suggest throwing in some little actions within the speech. Show the developing emotions of them as the explanation goes on.
Talk, Talk, You pause and sigh, Talk, Talk, AJ rubs her neck, Talk, You twiddle hooves, Talk, Talk, Look away, Talk, Talk, AJ gasps, Talk, Look back, etc.
678736
This. Pretty much the only thing I didn't care for. But it's relativly minor. You are allowed to set your own pace.
"When she gave birth, I remember a tiny orange pegasus around the house for a few weeks before it disappeared."
Could it be? Could it...could it...?
"Scootaloo is my niece"
HOLY S- *explodes*
Well, certainly didn't see that one coming. And it means that taking up a job at Ponyville isn't just coincidental. It adds another layer of depth to our character.
I like it
This is quickly becoming one of my favourite AJ shipping stories.
679858 Glad to hear that you enjoyed it. And I'm honored to hear that this is becoming one of your favorites. Is it really that good, or are you just attempting to make me feel better... Actually, don't answer that. I'd rather not risk my delicate ego. And the whole niece thing was thought up while I was taking a shower. The day I wrote that chapter.
678790 Thanks for the advice. When I was writing that whole monologue I just wanted to get it done, and it wasn't until I read it over, after publishing, that I realized that it needs something more. But, rather than just do it, I wanted to get some other opinions on it. I'll certainly give it a try, and see if the new product is more to my liking.
I like it. It feels like a high speed train hitting you, but I like it.
691161 I wanted to get the whole thing out in one go, since breaking it up would've been bad for the character. Once he got going he wasn't going to stop, or try again some other time to get what he wanted to say out.
663779
I've seen a common argument that describes Applejack as more of a secondary character when she's around others (in that her character is simply up-front honest and stubborn when the need arises. The other characters 'use' her stability and open character as a foundation for their own character development). In Applejack-centric fics, however, it leaves the writer to reveal the hidden depths and inner character of the orange farmpony, so I find that in SFG fics involving Applejack, it shows a lot more of Applejack than the canon of the show reveals. In that sense, I can see and kind of agree where you and most writefriends are concerned in that she doesn't reveal much character when other ponies are present.
And Howitzer, there's one part that confused me in this chapter, and that's the part where you and Big Macintosh stare each other down.
You meet Big Mac’s hard stare with one of your own, and every nerve in your mind tells you to back down, you match his gaze.
Is there a 'though' or 'but' that's supposed to be there? I'm not too sure. I just found that one section confusing (I will admit that I'm half-awake when writing this review, so I might just be misreading it somewhere. Apologies if I actually did misread it). Other than that one section, keep it up. Things seem to be paced well so far.
Hmm...I agree with Whirring Gears that you should have put in a few breaks in dialogue. A simple pause to catch a breath can reveal much in actions and emotions and actually add to the dialogue.
The next part is entirely my opinion on how I would have written this chapter, so I do apologize if I come off as high-and-mighty (I don't mean to be). You asked to leave a comment telling me what I think, I'm just voicing my opinion. For anypony else reading reviews before reading the chapter, there's spoilers here, so be warned!!
I also agree with Melancholy that it's a 'WHAM!' sort of reveal, and there's nothing wrong with that. What I would have done to build suspense is drag this out over two chapters, one just to start the building character development, and the next one to just take off and pull the big reveal. I would have had the CMC interrupt right before your character tells AJ flat out that he's Scootaloo's uncle. Again, actions could speak louder than words in this instance. When Apple Bloom asks for ideas and the CMC look at you and AJ, you could have hinted in some way (by action or more endearing dialogue towards Scootaloo) that there's more history between you and Scootaloo than normal. It subconsciously asks the readers to put two and two together, and that adds more
suspenseforeshadowing and gets a reader wanting more. It also gives the reader a sense of 'I-called-it' satisfaction, but in that sense, the reveal should be pulled off properly for fear of disappointing you and your fanbase.I hope you're not put off at all by my comments, Howitzer. You said yourself that you weren't 100% satisfied with how it turned out, and I'm just giving you what I hope to be pointers if not for this fic then for future fics. I'm not sure if you can toy around with the reveal (now that it's already out in the open), but again, I hope that I can help for future fics.
702579 I appreciate what you've said, and I do feel that I can rework this chapter to make it better. And even though everyone knows about that one facet of the character there is more to come. I do think that I could rework this chapter, and break it into two separate chapters, rather than just one. Sadly, reworking what I've already done is probably one of my most challenging exercises. I'm trying to do it in my Luna fic, but there I'm expanding, rather than just doing a rewrite. I may take this chapter down, and then put up the edited versions, rather than leave this up.
And trust me, honest criticism never puts me off. I'd rather people told me what I do wrong, rather than sugar coat what they have to say. At the same time, some people come across as assholes. But you've done a damn good job with this, and I do think that I'll be able to better work out this chapter.
Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to read, and review, what I've put down.
702579
678790
I've finished my editing of the chapter, and I was hoping to get your opinions on the new chapter 3.
773162
Quite an improvement, I must say. See what I mean by dragging it out just a little more? Unanswered questions and tense silences can add a lot of weight to a scene.
One thing that kinda irked me, but it's really only a trifle in the long run: the second time you mentioned 'a humorless laugh', I would have used 'another humorless laugh', or even used a snort rather than a laugh. A snort gives off more disgust and avoids repetition.
Other than that little thing, I think you've improved this chapter greatly. Well done, and keep up the good work!
Oh thank god! The last applejack story i read was scorched and its amazing but i finished it a long time ago. Please reply confurming my thoughts that this is a applejack romance? I know with the pic and the discription its pointing to yes but i still want to know for sure. So please reply.
YAY it updated
The sad mare
You are now a part of the hunters. Just saying.
the monster hunter series.
YOU HAS TIGREX ON YOUR PIC!!!
(I
im really enjoying this story, good Aj ships are hard to find.