• Member Since 28th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Robsa990


Howdy, I am an aspiring concept artist.

T

A colt by the name of Silver Spark arrives in Ponyville to get away from the posh experiences from Manehattan. He meets Twilight Sparkle in which she introduces him to her other friends. Throughout his meeting n' greeting his cutie mark catches a lot of attention from the mane 6. Pinkie Pie throws a welcome party only for it to be interrupted by a distraught looking Princess Celestia. She has teleported from Canterlot to gain some help from Twilight and her friends because of the return of Queen Chrysalis.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 41 )

Very nice. I cant keep from wondering what his cutie mark looks like. Not boring at all :) :twilightsmile:

HOLY DERPMUFFINS THIS IS PURE GOLD!

Why cant they stop that cheesy (hehe) bitch what did you do to them?:twilightangry2: Injured and in hospital hopefully dead is bad

Name crossover! Nice to meet you Spark. The name's Sea.

a great start cant wait for the next chapter. :twilightsmile: :pinkiehappy: please hurry.

845420 SPOILER (maybe?)
look at the cover art

also im not a expert on writing but i might suggest more filler and writing in past tense a bit more (present hurts my brain so im assuming it does some other people to) but other than that nice concept (well it could flow a bit better and stop breaking the sound barrier but still)

845501 I cant believe i didn't see that.

Not bad for a first story:moustache: but here are some things to correct: :pinkiehappy:
1. your worth of bits, 10 for a 2 hour train ride, but 12 for a dozen cookies doesn't make much sense. Visit here for some canon prices on foods and bit to dollar/euro conversions.
2. "vibrations of the train on my back" ponies lay down on their stomachs or folded legs, except for Lyra or ponys at the Spa, so this isn't too important
3. "the door makes a chiming sound" the bell chimes as the door opens
4. "at times.” Says Mrs. Cake", leave out the 'says Mrs. Cake' since she named herself and the speaker didn't change, same for any other time this happens. It helps keep the dialogue flowing. How people say things should only be done whe the speaker is unclear, new, or needs description such as timidly, loudly, sarcastically and so on.
5. "“I’d love…umm, like " RD being timid in front of a stranger? Unless your OC is Marty Stue level hot, that's a little ooc for her.
6. "Oh thank you. Silver!" remove period
7. "Every pony starts to panic at the Princess's abnormal behaviour and arrival to the party.
“Every pony, join hooves! I'm teleporting us to the library!” Twilight says. I follow her instructions and in another blinding flash of light, the 7 of us are in the library." everypony, he seems pretty calm about his distressed ruler, why is he all of a sudden included in the Mane Six's adventures when they just met? more Marty Stueness really, but most first OCs are.
8. the last few lines at the end have ' instead of "
9. simple writing flaws like sentence structure, natural sounding thoughts/descriptions, and story devices that you have to work out on your own, or else I'd be writing this for you

good things: didn't Marty Stue your OC completely (though you've barely described him, so be careful), I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, but it's late so I might've missed them

sorry for so much negativity, just trying to help a brony out
/]

848120
That's quite a list you have there. Thanks for pointing those out, I'll do better I promise :twilightblush:

update: I've edited the story and corrected most of these:scootangel:

This... it interests me... *fave* :pinkiehappy:

I like where this story is going, and I have some suspicions on what's to come. If you need someone to help proofread, I'm your man. :eeyup: Also, do you know where I can find "The 7th Element" by Thunderhawk?

851037
Type in thunderhawk7865 and his stories should come up. Their on both fimfiction and fanfiction.

851693 Thank you. :twilightsmile: I'm guessing you don't want me to help you with proofreading, then? :applejackunsure:

851723
I've already got thunderhawk as my editor, but you're welcome to proofread if it'd be no hassle to you.:pinkiehappy:

851835 I'd love to help. Thank you.:twilightsmile: Just send me a link to your next chapter when it's done, and I'll send whatever feedback I can. :eeyup:

I really liked what you have there. :rainbowkiss: but it was a bit "copied" it's like you mix the Pilot and the season 2 finale, what is up with that?

858032
Hmm, now that you've mentioned that, I suppose it's just a coincidence really:moustache:

Wow, great first chapter, you air have captured my attention. I will watch you like an eagle.:pinkiehappy::coolphoto:

nice job, imma have to watch this...

**stalker_mode:activated**

Hey can you have candence of been killer?:twilightblush:

great story so far, keep it up :rainbowkiss:

Good . . . . Good!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been satisfied.


ANOTHER!:derpytongue2:

nice chapter cant wait for the next one. :pinkiehappy:

It's going to be a long day for Silver.

Ooooooo. Interesting.:twilightsmile:

a great chapter cant wait for the next one. :eeyup::pinkiehappy:

After reading this story so far, I like it!:pinkiehappy:

The only thing though I will say is that the pacing is a little too quick, though I can say that I have seen improvement as the story has gone on.

gread story i like it :pinkiehappy:

great chapter keep them coming please. :twilightsmile::eeyup::yay:

I like how Twi kills one changeling by dropping him on train tracks, it must have been horribly painful.
I'm kidding. They're killing these things without mercy, and Silver suddenly knows Shining and Cadence. It makes 0% sense.

But Shineing is a guard shouldn't he be able to fight?

992679
...ugh! whats the fun in making sens?!

1019674
::raises hand:: I second that notion!:pinkiehappy:

wend is the next chapter

:rainbowhuh:Ehhem, well that escelated Very quickly :rainbowderp::pinkiegasp:

Now about the grammar, not entirely bad though most writers don't go for the present tense when writing. however plus side for you is that you pull it off well, i recommend that you look into doing second person story lines as apposed to doing first, your talents seem better suited for that. :ajsmug:

Now getting back to chapter one, very catchy and i think ill give it four mustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

848120 http://www.grammarcheck.me
This site helps with spelling, cliches, and other mistakes, like correcting 'then' to 'than,' and vise versa. Hope it helps.

Well... I like the story but you need to show not tell, it's hard to read when the character is narrating everything.

Like: "I walked through the door, turned and then shut it.

Now that is exagerating on how your story is but I hope it makes a point.
Good start too.

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