Howdy, I am an aspiring concept artist.
A royal guard unicorn named Tal, has never thought about his past until an incident lands him in the ponyville hospital. From there he meets the mane 6. Tal re-tells the tragic event of his childhood just before he'd enrolled in the royal guard and also when he'd met the soon to be captain of the royal guard: Shining Armor.
Page generated in 0.087 seconds
Total duration
1,067 users online
1,808,209 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
WHOA THERE... I'd like you to meet someone. He's called "Mr. Wall of Text."
Seriously, cut down on the walls of text. I almost turned away from this when I saw them. Here are some pointers:
1. Whenever there is dialogue, skip a space.
e.g. instead of:
Tal climbed the slippery gully, beset by the unwavering blows of his mortal nemesis. "FOR LUNA," he cried as he drove his estoc deep into his foe's chest, skewering his heart and ending his miserable existence. Life was but an evanescent wisp to Tal, and he relished in the misery he wrought.
you would put:
Tal climbed the slippery gully, beset by the unwavering blows of his mortal nemesis.
"FOR LUNA!" he cried as he drove his estoc deep into his foe's chest, skewing his heart and ending his miserable existence.
Life was but an evanescent wisp to Tal, and he relished in the misery he wrought.
2. Start a new paragraph EVERY time you introduce a new event to the story (i.e. start a paragraph whenever you decide to make Tal perform story-relevant actions)
e.g. instead of:
Tal slipped down the sloping hill in the dank gloom of the Princess's cellar. He drew his estoc and cut at the air experimentally, testing his honed skills. Suddenly, he saw a glimmer in the half-light. A wraithlike figure loomed before him. Tal screamed a kiai, then brought his estoc up to face his nigh-unseen enemy. The enemy's horn--for Tal could tell it was a unicorn-- glimmered, and a double-bladed war mace rose up to face him. Tal began to circle his opponent, jabbing occasionally to discern his opponent's skill.
you could put:
Tal slipped down the sloping hill in the dank gloom of the Princess's cellar. He drew his estoc and cut at the air experimentally, testing his honed skills.
Suddenly, he saw a glimmer in the half-light. A wraithlike figure loomed before him. Tal screamed a kiai, then brought his estoc up to face his nigh-unseen enemy.
The enemy's horn--for Tal could tell it was a unicorn-- glimmered, and a double-bladed war mace rose up to face him. Tal began to circle his opponent, jabbing occasionally to discern his opponent's skill.
Aside from that, you seem to shift tenses when describing the past and present. This is all well and good, but if you're going to use the past tense (in a third-person omniscient/omnipresent format), you'd BETTER use past tense to describe the past... not the present tense I saw a little bit
. Also, clean up your grammar/word choice a tad. Sometimes, it seems a bit sloppy.
In related news, I really liked this!
You have my like and follow, and I shall do my best to post-edit your stories and provide good advice. If you need anything, just ask me!
LOL EDIT IS LOL:
I checked out your other fic, and I saw that you had very few problems with it. Although this fic had the above errors, I saw that you fixed them satisfactorily in your other fic. However, I still believe that even seasoned writers can draw knowledge from the basics and even simple advice from others, so I hope you don't think less of me for making such an obvious comment. Don't get me wrong, your fic is great, and I hope you continue. And, if you need any sort of inspiration, I'll be there... skulking in the shadows like a veiled snake waiting for its prey... (yay creepiness!!!). Keep up the interesting work!
~Xanadu
I GIVE IT 4/5 AJ's!!!
1304861
I am overwhelmed at your comment good sir, I appreciate your constructive criticism as well as your like and follow
1306664
Ehehehe... I do tend to write a bit... extensively if my mind isn't 100% on... funny how that works
It truly is a story worthy of liking and following! I especially enjoy the descriptions of everything; it's something I appreciate in a story.
~Xanadu
P.S. The 4/5 is only because of aforementioned minor errors and the fact that it isn't absolutely superlatively 100000000% perfect. Pretty much means exceptional in my book. Hope that didn't confuzzle anypony.
1309247
The story is now updated thanks to you
1323055
It was a pleasure to edit. Glad you liked it! I like the new title. Backstory: Now with more chilling foreshadowing! yay lol. Keep at it, my good sir!