Haunted
It was an epic journey of wits and endurance. There were sinister foes, traitorous locals, and that ever-present sense of danger, but I shrugged them all off. I always do. Now I return to my private house, victorious—tired, sore, and filthy—but victorious nonetheless.
Standing before it, my house doesn't strike one as a spectacular structure. Modest, really. But you can't beat the location—smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. It's where I write about my ventures under the pen name, "A. K. Yearling," and unwind after my awesome adventures. I used to call it home.
That seems so long ago.
I hesitate once my hoof touches my door handle. Weary as I am, some part of me cries out against my entry. With a sigh, I force through that blasted trepidation and march forward. As soon as I'm inside, I toss my pith helmet onto a nearby table.
"I'm back!" I find myself calling out.
Only silence greets me in turn. I just can't seem to break that insufferable habit. It only reminds me of better days.
"I'm back!" I call out, entering my home. Instantly, two hooves snake around my neck.
"'Bout time you got back!" that succulent voice rings in my ears as a flurry of kisses pelts my cheek.
I can't help but to grin as I pull her to me.
I can't help but to sigh as I throw my pack onto my kitchen table. Nopony greets me anymore, but it's not like that's a problem. It's not like I've never been alone before. I have been now for so long.
I run a hoof through my oily, grey mane. The grimy texture alone screams for me to take a shower, but I have other priorities. My thirst draws me to the sink. The few dishes that have survived a dozen ransackings sit there in a pool fetid water.
How long was I gone this time? A week at least. Probably more. Washing the dishes and clearing out rotten food from the cupboards wasn't going to be fun, but they'd been waiting this long—a little more time to rot wouldn't hurt.
Turning on the tap, I gulp straight from the faucet. As my thirst diminishes, I take the opportunity to run the cool water over my head. It felt heavenly.
After indulging myself for a short time, I withdrew and whipped my head around. I turn off the water, mildly regretting flinging water everywhere. It was just more stuff I was going to have to clean.
I miss coming back to her. I never had to worry about food going rotten and dust and grime piling up. It was always clean and... warm.
"I'll bet you're famished, Daring!" she says, smiling at me—those emerald eyes dancing. "Why don't you hop in the shower and I'll fix us a nice meal. I just can't wait to hear all about your adventure this time!"
Clean and warm. I could use that shower about now. Throwing my shirt haphazardly to the floor, I trot into the bathroom. In but a moment, I relish the steamy water falling over me. The heat seeps into my sore muscles, gently drawing out the aches and pains from my adventures.
At least this decadent indulgence hasn't vanished in her absence.
I sigh, pressing my face against the cool side of the shower. I may still have this luxury, but I don't have her. Did I really make the right choice?
"What? You're going out on another adventure?" she indignantly shouts at me. "I was just fillynapped and now you're going to go cross those same ponies again? Don't you care at all about me?"
"Of course I care!" I say, stomping a hoof. "I rescued you last time, and if they're foolish enough to try it again, I'll just save you again. There's nothing to worry about." I adjust my hat before pointing to the door. "If I don't go out there and stop them—"
"Then somepony else will!" she says, stepping between me and the door. "You don't need to do this anymore, please! We can just make up Daring Do stories; you don't have to keep risking your life—our lives—like this! Please, Daring…"
I frown at her. "I have to go," I say with all the seriousness I can muster. "It's more than me and you that's at stake."
"No." She shakes her head, glaring at me. "That's exactly what's at stake. I won't go through that again, Daring—I can't. You have to stop going on these adventures!"
"It's who I am!" I say, stepping by her and towards the door. "I'm Daring Do! Adventuring is who I am. You know that."
"I mean it," she says, her voice low and grave. "If you go out that door, I won't be here when you return."
"I have to go," I say, stepping through the door.
I bang my head against the shower wall. Idiot! Why in Equestria did I think she was bluffing? My bullheadedness is as much an asset as it is a curse. It has saved my life—the lives of many—countless times, and it took from me the thing I treasured most.
Shutting off the water, I give my hide a hearty shake to throw off the excess water before stepping out. Halfheartedly drying myself with a previously discarded towel, I trot out and nearly immediately freeze in my tracks.
Right there. Just a few paces away from the door. That's the last time I ever saw her. That memory is seared into my mind, haunting me—taunting me. Every once in a while, at a time like this, a different sort of memory eludes me. When did I last tell her that I love her?
I can't remember.
Tearing myself back to the present, I slog on by and head upstairs, dripping water all the way. I just have to sit down and write out my latest adventures. That's all. Something to rip my mind away from here. Away from this hollow house that haunts me with my regrets.
Maybe if I just get my mind off it, more pleasant memories will come back to me. Those memories where she is smiling, and kind, and loving—those echoes of happiness long since past.
If only I could really believe the lies I keep telling myself...
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Daring needs to find that pony and get her back.
4664900 I wonder who she is
4664900
But that would require her to give up adventuring!
4664964 When it's love, sacrifices need to be made
4664936 thats a good question
4664936
'She' is technically non-existent.
She is Daring's self-doubts and fears all manifested into a homemaker of a wife/significant other who wishes for her to stop her constant flights of adventure and settle down to a more quiet life. She is a metaphor for the side of Daring that is tired of being the awesome action mare she writes about and just wants to be a normal pony with a normal life.
Maybe she was a real pony at some point in this story's past (which is really at the author's discretion), but the purpose she serves in the story is solely that of a pot device.
4664900 and that what side kicks are there for.
4665240 almost all heros go thore that like superman and batman and spiderman and so on
4665485 but spike wasn't in this story. Lol.
4665696 no what i mean is daring doo sould get one
4665817 I know, I was trying to use a reference for a bad bun... and failed.
4665240
I could not agree with you more. Either that, or the mare is her mother.
This was very well done!
I love this story. It shows real talent.
Ever since I saw Daring Don't, I was not okay with what the writers did to Daring Do. I felt like they made her less interesting by making her a real pony instead of leaving her as a storybook character.
Heck, I would have been fine if they did an episode with Daring coming out of her books and the Mane 6 trying to bring her back. (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read this to understand)
But anyway, what I see in this story tugged at my heartstrings, (which, for me, is not easy. I don't easily cry or feel sad in fiction) and I feel like Daring Do had become a three-dimensional character with more of a personality than going on adventures.
And for that, I will "like" and "favorite" this story, and "follow" you.
4668233
I'm quite flattered, thank you.
Truth be told, I never cared much for the Daring Don't episode, either.
Damn, a very heart breaking tale, her goal and incredible amount of success merely pushes away the one she loves, life is not perfect for any creature but sometimes, when you least expect it, what happened in the past is for the best...sometimes.
This story raises an interesting question for me, who would Daring be if not an adventurer? And did this phantom lover ask too much, could Daring be happy if she quit? Is she even happy now?
It's a well constructed piece, gets to the point quickly, doesn't overstay it's welcome with pointless angst.
Have a well deserved upvote.
Hi. I'm Starman Ghost, and I'm here to review your fic on behalf of WRITE. Sorry about the delay on this one.
FORMATTING AND GRAMMAR
Tense shifting
If your story starts out written in the present tense, it should stay written in the present tense. When you switch between present and past tense, it throws the reader out of the story as they wonder whether the narrator is talking about something happening to him at the time, or recounting something that has already occurred. Here are a couple of examples of tense errors:
"Had been" is an example of past perfect tense. This is what you would use to describe an earlier event if the story was written in past tense. Since this story is written in present tense, this description of an earlier event should be in past tense: "It was" instead of "It had been."
Should be "greets," since you're describing Daring Do's current situation.
For the most part, you maintain a consistent tense, so you should be fine if you fix these hiccups.
Overall, despite these rough patches, this is a well-formatted story constructed according to the rules of writing.
NARRATION
First off, congratulations are in order here, because I'm about to tell you something I never thought I'd say about MLP fanfiction: I like how this story portrayed a lesbian relationship. You don't fetishize it, you don't dwell on it, you don't use a character every damn author portrays as a lesbian (coughcoughRainbow Dashcoughcough), and you don't use it as an excuse to jump up and point "look at my OTP! LOOK AT MY OTP!" It's just there, it ends badly for the same reasons a lot of relationships do, and it leaves unpleasant scars. Good job on that count.
That being said, I did have a problem with the narration. Some of the turns of phrase in the text seem a bit too airy and formal for how I'd imagine someone like Daring Do would write. For example, "my house doesn't strike one as a spectacular structure." I could see, say, Fancy Pants or Rarity writing a sentence like that, but coming from Daring Do, it seems a bit off. I'd expect her to say something more like "My house doesn't look like anything special." Another few examples of this, with examples of revisions that I feel would improve the tone:
"Tired as I am, there's a part of me that doesn't want to enter. I sigh as I force it down and keep walking."
"At least she couldn't take this away."
"I turn on the tap and gulp straight from the faucet, then let the cool water run over my head."
PLOT AND CHARACTERS
Overalll: believable, makes sense, and engaging. It gets the job done.
Even so, I kept finding myself wondering who this other mare was. We don't know much about her, or the relationship before they broke up, which lessens the impact of the loss because we don't really have a good feel for what as lost.. All we really know is that the mare cooked dinner for Daring Do, liked hearing about Daring Do's adventures, and didn't like being kidnapped. Who was she? What did she and Daring Do see in each other? How did they meet? What were some of the best moments they shared?
CONCLUSION
While it has its problems, overall this is an enjoyable read, far more so than most of the other stuff that gets put on this site. You show a lot of skill as an author, and I look forward to seeing you improve.
Starman Ghost, WRITE's Unpaid Intern
4923557
Thank you for the review. It was both helpful and insightful. I've already addressed the mistakes in tense. I'm afraid that present tense is not my forte (omniscient third-person past tense is what I'm most familiar with). This story was actually written to practice both flashbacks and present tense. I'm actually kind of proud that there were only a couple of mistakes in the tense category.
I can definitely see how one would observe the narration as too florid for Daring. While I would love to take your advice on it, such an action would seem... disingenuous? It would be borderline plagiarism to just use your examples, so I'll think on it and see if I can't find a happy medium. And as for the mysterious mare, she was intentionally vague and obscure.
I'm sincerely happy to hear that you liked it and found it engaging. It's always nice to receive positive feedback. Thank you.
I love how this enhances Daring's 'I work alone' attitude in Daring Don't. It feels really in character and canon and thorough for a story at around 1,000. Fabulous job!
4668233 I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks that.