- Member Since 30th Sep, 2011
- offline last seen April 16th
Cosmonaut
Writer/Artist who's been active since the inception of the fandom.
Cosmonaut
Joined 30th Sep, 2011 ·
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Will give feedback later. Glad to see it here, though!
Huh... so, batponies aren't truly born? They're made? Interesting take...
Tracking because of curiosity.
...didn't I already read this story?
4097413
They're technically both. Next chapter will bring more info to light.
4097483
No, you didn't.
4097492
Sorry, I just remember seeing a story with this premise already, but it looks like you're going to take it in a different direction by making it longer and less ambiguous. I wish I knew which story I was thinking of.
interesting...
Amusing story so far.
Good job there, Cosmo.
Okay normally I don't read other or oc ponies as main characters type of vampony story but hay at least stonershy is reading
I've got to wonder about the batpony transformation so every time they bite somepony they turn into a vampire or is there something I miss
Oh boy I can't wait too see if flitter is going to be involved
Looking forward too more
curiosity peaked...following to see if will be a good read or not
Pacing is a bit fast. She chases them down... and then they just change her with no other checks? There's no recruitment process for being in the Night Guard? No interview by the boss? No final decision by Luna?
Don't misunderstand, I'm really digging this so far, just kinda odd that they would just take her like that without knowing who she really is.
4097503
Conviction?
4100037
Nope. It was another story about a pony who was disaffected by her life and made the choice to turn into a bat pony and join Luna's guard, with little hints that she's making a hasty and wrong decision without it being explicit. It was also a one-shot, unlike this story or the one you linked.
Meh, just typical vampony blah.
4101929 Wow, another typically unhelpful comment from you. No surprise there.
This could end up being interesting. I shall keep an eye on it.
However, Two minor complaints. First, please space between paragraphs. Second, pacing. Let your characters build the scenes. Flow with actions and reactions. The first half felt rushed, the scene at the end was much better.
Good luck.
4102032 I paced my comment at the same rate as the pacing in the story. With just as much depth to the events.
Has potential.
I'm not good a criticisms so I can only tell you it went a bit fast. Someone says (and proves) they want to join and that's it? No checking for qualifications? She did get rejected by the Wonderbolts, maybe they should test to see if she'd actually make a good guard first?
Still, I'll be reading this.
4101929 Don't act stupid.
4103086 Don't try and justify yourself with that weak ass response. I will promise you this. Not just you, but if I find anyone going onto stories and just leaving comments such as yours with no explanation or helpful criticism, then I will call them out on being an asshole.
4104008 Ok then, Cloudchaser just bumps into a Night Guard, basically straight out volunteers to become a vampire, and it happens just like that. No screening, no background checks... NOTHING.
Any guard that was so easy to infitrate would be useless. Assassins would have a field day. They can get vampire powers in the blink of an eye and then go off and kill as they please.
And Cloudchaser also stupidly makes an incredibly HUGE MONUMENTAL LIFE CHANGING DECISION in a matter of moments.
Not to mention, there is the absurdity of the Night Guards being vampires in the first place. Not only does it put the guard in a position easily being compromised by their own demonic drive, it also instantly validates the regular ponies' suspicions that they are monsters... given that one just drank Cloudchaser's blood... yeah, can't see that not causing any problems!
The story is so heavily laden in just this opening with irrational actions and lack of simple common sense notions that I can see no way its plausibility can be salvaged in its present form.
4105131 Better, but try to be less rude and also put what they could've done instead.
You're learning 
Aww we don't get to see flitter again I'm very sad I was hopeing too see flitter being turned too.therefor being with cloudchacer
Also that escalated too fast with rumble and flitter accepting cloudchaser.
you should have added this to the previous chapter
and what's with the layout
Yeah, the talk with flitter went WAY too quickly...
Please don't relegate her to (Pony cloudchaser sends letters to).
Besides, cloudchaser must have had friends in Ponyville right?
What are they gonna think about her situation if she doesn't explain anything?
Apart from that, I think you're doing pretty well.
One final question: What in all of the seven hells are condoms made out of in Equestria?
4105292 Well, let me see: create a proper introduction to Cloudchaser, at least a basic picture of her life and motivations. What gets her into the situation she's in, what relationships are important in the scenario, and more about her personality.
This can be done in many ways, all depending on author preference. The best way is to avoid tells and instead display a few scenes of the character's life which subtly slips in information about them. I'd say a good example of main character introduction is Johnny Hooker from "The Sting".
Next, more thought must be put into the acceptance into the Night Guards. They are not simply going to let ponies into an elite royal protective unit and grant them demonic powers on a whim. This process is likely to be long, with a great number of tests to wean out those unfit to serve.
If anything, I'd expect the transformation to be one of the very last steps, once Luna herself is certain Cloudchaser is the right pony for the job. Remember, these are her personal guards. She alone would reserve the right to make the choice of who is to join.
Having another of the guard preemptively transform another pony without explicit permission is almost certainly a violation of rank and exceedingly presumptive.
This was hot and intriguing. I'm really hoping we get a sequel, since it appears to be marked complete.
Not a bad chapter. But pacing was still a bit quick. Not sure I agree with the blood-drinking, but your head cannon so I won't judge it till I see how you use in grand scheme. Clop was ok, but again, pacing. Don't be afraid to explore a little more into the characters and feelings.
Another reason why I am part of the NLR
Sequl please
I want more! :D
Unless this was a one-shot D:
Ogm sequel please.
But really. 10/10 would like amazing sequel. Preferably not clop
I find this story largely flawed so far. For starters cloud chaser just happens to find and follow some royal guards without them taking it as hostilities but instead land and ask what she was doing. I think it would be safe to believe that anyone with a military status would be traind well enough to evade a possible threat but also take it more seriously than they did.
Secondly, I doubt that they would have the authority to recruit any one, let alone a pony who they just met.
One of my most moral problems with this is that she just changed the anatomical structure of cloudchaser without even telling her anything about what she was doing. Unless she explaind the requirement of transformation to her through the speech, cloud chasers reaction to echo going for her neck enforces the fact that cloud wasn't told anything about the transformation. A simple line of "in order to become one of Luna's Royal Guard, you will be required to submit your body to permanent physical transformation, this is to not only make you look the role of the position, but to also give you the required physical abilities, such as night vision" yada yada. Something like this would have made it seem more official than what it is so far.
One thing I did like though, is the idea that to transform a pony to a bat pony, they must drain most of the blood from the other and filter it through some part of the bat ponies system, thus giving the blood a chemical or some other form of possible DNA altering factor. Then re feed the blood back into the body allowing the blood and its new substance take effect on the host. Well thats how I precived that event anyway.
Over all I find the recruitment too un believable and the way echo just changes her without any warning too rash and careless.
Pacing in this chapter was better than the last, but I find the bat ponies being vampires a shock. Only now do I see the 'SEX' tag, but it was reasonably well done, but am finding it hard to see these royal guards as professional, and not just a corrupt
group that stole some armor and desided to have some fun.
This chapter was much to rushed, first rumble should not have accepted cloud chasers apology for almost killing, him by draining his body of blood, so quickly. Also the scene with flitter was much to quick, im sure you wouldn't be to quick to be ok with your sister just up and going, especially when she almost killed someone because a group just decided to transform her.
Im atleast glad you added the last bit in about them needing to send in a request to recruit someone, that kind of made it seem more belivable. But it still is too unprofessional for ponies in charge of protecting a princess, not having to go through more seriouse tests to see if they are fit for the job.
Sorry to say butbi feel this is a 4/10 for me, it has an interesting plot, but is constructed poorly and ended to early.
DAH2 heh... anyway love the story.
20/10 would read sequel.
4337242 >Stole some armor.
So they broke into the guard's barracks, stole their armor and got off scot-free? They fucking deserve that armor and the tidbit of 'fun' if they're that skilled.
I wouldn't mind seeing a sequel, this was pretty good.
I wouldn't mind seeing a sequel, this was pretty good.
There really needs to be more of this.
The more, the mario!
Seems a bit, I don't know... ''negatively stereotypical'' to think that 'Batponies = Vampires', honestly.
I can't help, but find it a bit dumb, you know ?
5944125
Thats entirely up to how a person interprets them.
I find the idea that these intimidating and fearsome looking ponies suck fruit juice for sustenance awful, but some people love that idea. I don't subscribe to that view.
This story is so awesome!!!!!! Makes me want to become a batpony, just to be around my favorite princess...LUNA !!!!
any plan for a sequel?
You can't taunt we with a good start and then drop off! I want more! Damn it, don't make me have to write that.
To paraphrase Smiling Jack, "well, when it comes to feeding, it's quality blood you're looking for, not quantity. Juicebags with a pedigree - that's the good stuff."
As it eriously leaves me wanting more, I wouldn't feel comfortable giving this a rating higher than 7, at present.
If there's a sequel, though...
Great storry, a sequeal where they all meet again would be nice.