DeathBeat
Joined 24th Jun, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Looking good so far, can not wait for more
3443153
I never thought I'd meet someone able to put that sound into words. My moustache off to you, good sir!
3443153
Thanks alot for your input. I shall add more details once I have the time.
3443009
Yeah, since this is my first fan fic it is a bit hard getting into each of the characters and making the dialogue sound like them. Hopefully I'll keep getting better at it.
this is your first story? cool, I've got only one as well. I'm relatively new to writing, so it's probably......different to say the least. (I was told that it sounds somewhat like a video game)
"The story is inspired by Twilight's Midnight Violations by AribanDeTyral"
No need to read it to know this will be a good story.
Instant fav and like.
Because I am busy, I will read it later.
Yours truly... NecromancerX69
Ps...
For the love of all that is evil, don't fail me.
Edit.
Ps2... 6 round bellies plz, if you know what I mean, muhahahahhahaha.
Is it safe to assume the foal (if it really is) is a filly and that this will include females only?
3444308
Oh, Peppy. Never change.
3444308
Yes, my thought is that this will only include females. It does contain foalcon and futanari, but no stallions. (The current chapter contains only futanari)
Unless you want me to add stallions? Then I might be able to sneak in a scene or two in one of the chapters.
3444348 No. Please, don't. As long as it has females only, this will keep my like as long as it doesn't suck.
3444343 Never.
well, this certainly got my attention. still, i wish Twilight's Midnight Violations would update for fucks sake! i mean, really?! i know i don't know what it's like to write a story for other people to read, but you'd think at least ONE chapter would have been released by now!
clopfic ah welp
datgif.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/time-to-fap.gif
3444587 He updates about as slowly as I do, but considerably slower.
3444348 ...I'd like like some stallons in it
You know, I saw revenge in the title and rape in the summary and my thoughts instantly went to thinking this was about Trixie getting at Twilight and the others.
i think this is suppose to be circle-like
3446881
Cirkle...... Cirkle....
I have failed.
Thanks for pointing it out.
The PM shouldn't be there,and you don't really need an AM either just spell out two.
3447102 Better idea:
Never use numbers in literature unless its for a chapter number, or something like that. Otherwise, always spell it out.
Anyway, I found this to be somewhat lackluster. I'm a huge fan of futa and only support lesbian sex/ships, so it's kind of surprising.
First off, don't use sounds in speech like 'AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH' and whatnot, especially not in clop. It's visually unattractive and destroys immersion faster than Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Use actions and description to get the point across that she came/moaned (i.e. 'Rainbow Dash's body shuddered as her orgasm rocked her trim body, an unbidden, guttural moan escaping her lips with each spasm.'). It helps build your reader's focus and really draws them into the story.
Next, I'd suggest working on being more descriptive over all and less list-y. Don't really feel like going back and finding some examples, but it should be self-evident.
Finally, this:
Get rid of this. It demolishes any remaining immersion into the story and is utterly out of place. I also suggest using ' ' instead of " " for narrative quotes and/or making such quotes italicized.
OH! While I'm on the topic of immersion!
I'm also a huge fan of cervical insertion. It's extremely sexy to me, but only when it makes sense. There isn't any way in Tartarus that a horse's penis would penetrate the cervix and enter the womb unless the mare didn't have a cervix at all. The blunt head, made even more blunt when it flared after Dash had already orgasmed at least once, makes horse penis impossible for such penetration. Now, if these were bulls, pigs, or birds, it'd be more possible since they have slimmer, more pointed penises meant for such things since they want their sperm as deep as possible. Evolution ftw for those guys.
Anyway, long story short. That kills it as well. Horse penis =/= cervical sex.
3448763
Good points.
I removed some of the dialogue moans but kept a few of them as I thought they fit in. I also changed the Big Mac section to a more... sweet ending.
As for the cervix, it is a fan fiction about colored ponies. I think logic applies here as much as it does to Pinkie Pie. Sure, I won't really add a giant robot in the middle of it but I think you get my point.
Thanks for your opinions and suggestions.
I wonder if Twi will catch then Rape the hell out of trixie by the end of this, also add dark take with the scene of Babs raping Zecora.
Was pretty good. The image of Babs having a penis too large for her body was too comical to really enjoy, but an easy imagining of it being smaller fixed that. The bit with RD and Scoots was kinda cute, but felt out of place so early in the story, especially after the sex-a-thon that RD and AJ just went through. Overall, it did well enough.
3501355
Thanks.
I might change a bit of it once I am done with the story, I still got so many ideas to fit in!
What does it say about me that I was ok with the first half but not with the Scootaloo/Rainbow part...
3501644 It says that you should get your body ready for some sweet Scootalube.
WOW. Just....WOW.
This is sick, pervert, mindfucking, has pedophilia, futa, rape and dark-induced rape powers!?
This is beautiful.
I see what you possibly did there and i like it.
I can see a large number of lil fillies and maybe some mares getting their minds or at least their spirits broken by the end of this, I am reading this more for the mind fucking than body fucking
Hmm... filly/mare, filly/filly, fillydom, mindrape, tribadism, and "La Blue Girl" style clit dicks complete with cum somehow...? Ain't nothin' wrong with any of that... I'll be sticking around to see if this can meet or exceed the awesomeness of its inspiration, but either way, it's pretty damn awesome.
LOVE the scootadash. LOVE the plot so far. One word: MORE.
3501548
Well I guess Dashie and Scoots were on...
*puts on shades*
Cloud 9
YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Juust like midnight violations slow updates
3737186
Well, I've had IRL stuff to do and I've also taken the christmas off. But once I get back to my collage (the 7th) I'll start writing again. I have already begun on the second chapter and is done with the first scene.
This...
I shall read tonight..
And judge it upon how the glorious corruption has graced it..
3836471
You took what I was gonna say and reworded it.
1. Slipmat just bought me Mary the Anthro Mare in Nightfall Purple. I want to wait until I have it.
2. I've read too much clop. So much to the point I no longer have enough to read for a single orgasm. I have to wait until my stock replenishes.
So... is this still alive?
3863769
Very much indeed. I've been pretty busy with IRL shit but I'll try to finish chapter two as soon as I can.
I hope this ends with Babs ræping Trixie...
I'll be expecting Twilight to catch on and kick Trixie's but as well as beat down babs who is smaller and should be easier to handle. Fluttershy I can understand being over powered, but seriousely it's a little rediculus to have babs be a villlain sue without someone who can stop her and Trixie. maybe have twi reverse trixie's control and have babs rape Trixie in the end.
i honestly don't think i can keep reading this. the whole thing bugs the fuck out of me. unless i can get a promise that that bitch get's whats coming to her in the end, i'm probably going to stop reading this. sorry.
3866974
It's okey. No one's forcing you to read this.
I don't want to spoil anything... All I can say is that in the end the good guys always win.
I love these chapters
Okay, you really need to fix your possessive pronouns and nouns. Babs hoof, Babs flanks, etc etc. If a character's name ends with a "s" you just add an apostrophe 's', but if there are multiple characters involved, then you just append an apostrophe.
3917519
Thank you for pointing that out! I've had some trouble with it since English is not my native language. I'll keep that in mind as I progress with the next chapter and I'll try to keep such faults to a minimum.
Perhaps I should get a proofreader?
3917927
Where's the next chapter!?!?!?
Sbit. Pinkie is imune to orgasams! Shit! Its the apocolips of rape ficts!
...
Anyway update again asap.
Well.....I'm officially scared of the thought of raping Pinkie.
