Something is going on in Ponyville. Mares has been attacked and violated by an unknown rapist. Disturbing reports states that the assailant is a foal. Can the Mane Six stop the rapist before it is too late?
Yeah, since this is my first fan fic it is a bit hard getting into each of the characters and making the dialogue sound like them. Hopefully I'll keep getting better at it.
this is your first story? cool, I've got only one as well. I'm relatively new to writing, so it's probably......different to say the least. (I was told that it sounds somewhat like a video game)
"The story is inspired by Twilight's Midnight Violations by AribanDeTyral" No need to read it to know this will be a good story. Instant fav and like. Because I am busy, I will read it later.
Yours truly... NecromancerX69
Ps... For the love of all that is evil, don't fail me. Edit. Ps2... 6 round bellies plz, if you know what I mean, muhahahahhahaha.
Yes, my thought is that this will only include females. It does contain foalcon and futanari, but no stallions. (The current chapter contains only futanari)
Unless you want me to add stallions? Then I might be able to sneak in a scene or two in one of the chapters.
well, this certainly got my attention. still, i wish Twilight's Midnight Violations would update for fucks sake! i mean, really?! i know i don't know what it's like to write a story for other people to read, but you'd think at least ONE chapter would have been released by now!
You know, I saw revenge in the title and rape in the summary and my thoughts instantly went to thinking this was about Trixie getting at Twilight and the others.
Dash reached down a hoof and started to massage Applejack's swollen clit in a fast cirkle-like motion Applejack, having never felt pleasure and pain like this before, started to lose consciousness as her climax built up to new heights of pleasure unlike anything she ever felt before.
Never use numbers in literature unless its for a chapter number, or something like that. Otherwise, always spell it out.
Anyway, I found this to be somewhat lackluster. I'm a huge fan of futa and only support lesbian sex/ships, so it's kind of surprising.
First off, don't use sounds in speech like 'AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH' and whatnot, especially not in clop. It's visually unattractive and destroys immersion faster than Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Use actions and description to get the point across that she came/moaned (i.e. 'Rainbow Dash's body shuddered as her orgasm rocked her trim body, an unbidden, guttural moan escaping her lips with each spasm.'). It helps build your reader's focus and really draws them into the story.
Next, I'd suggest working on being more descriptive over all and less list-y. Don't really feel like going back and finding some examples, but it should be self-evident.
Finally, this:
Big Mac slowly closed the barn door with wide eyes, uttered “Nope” and quickly wandered away from the sight that will probably haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.
Get rid of this. It demolishes any remaining immersion into the story and is utterly out of place. I also suggest using ' ' instead of " " for narrative quotes and/or making such quotes italicized.
I'm also a huge fan of cervical insertion. It's extremely sexy to me, but only when it makes sense. There isn't any way in Tartarus that a horse's penis would penetrate the cervix and enter the womb unless the mare didn't have a cervix at all. The blunt head, made even more blunt when it flared after Dash had already orgasmed at least once, makes horse penis impossible for such penetration. Now, if these were bulls, pigs, or birds, it'd be more possible since they have slimmer, more pointed penises meant for such things since they want their sperm as deep as possible. Evolution ftw for those guys.
Anyway, long story short. That kills it as well. Horse penis =/= cervical sex.
I removed some of the dialogue moans but kept a few of them as I thought they fit in. I also changed the Big Mac section to a more... sweet ending.
As for the cervix, it is a fan fiction about colored ponies. I think logic applies here as much as it does to Pinkie Pie. Sure, I won't really add a giant robot in the middle of it but I think you get my point.
“I wonder what it tastes like”, thought Twilight but shook her head. “No, that would be over the line. But… just a small lick would be alright, right?”
This whole thing is going very fast, but I can say the pacing is in not bad at all.
Looking good so far, can not wait for more
3443153
I never thought I'd meet someone able to put that sound into words. My moustache off to you, good sir!
3443153
Thanks alot for your input. I shall add more details once I have the time.
3443009
Yeah, since this is my first fan fic it is a bit hard getting into each of the characters and making the dialogue sound like them. Hopefully I'll keep getting better at it.
this is your first story? cool, I've got only one as well. I'm relatively new to writing, so it's probably......different to say the least. (I was told that it sounds somewhat like a video game)
"The story is inspired by Twilight's Midnight Violations by AribanDeTyral"
No need to read it to know this will be a good story.
Instant fav and like.
Because I am busy, I will read it later.
Yours truly... NecromancerX69
Ps... For the love of all that is evil, don't fail me.
Edit.
Ps2... 6 round bellies plz, if you know what I mean, muhahahahhahaha.
Is it safe to assume the foal (if it really is) is a filly and that this will include females only?
3444308
Oh, Peppy. Never change.
3444308
Yes, my thought is that this will only include females. It does contain foalcon and futanari, but no stallions. (The current chapter contains only futanari)
Unless you want me to add stallions? Then I might be able to sneak in a scene or two in one of the chapters.
3444348 No. Please, don't. As long as it has females only, this will keep my like as long as it doesn't suck.
3444343 Never.
well, this certainly got my attention. still, i wish Twilight's Midnight Violations would update for fucks sake! i mean, really?! i know i don't know what it's like to write a story for other people to read, but you'd think at least ONE chapter would have been released by now!
clopfic ah welp
datgif.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/time-to-fap.gif
3444587 He updates about as slowly as I do, but considerably slower.
3444348 ...I'd like like some stallons in it
You know, I saw revenge in the title and rape in the summary and my thoughts instantly went to thinking this was about Trixie getting at Twilight and the others.
i think this is suppose to be circle-like
3446881
Cirkle...... Cirkle.... I have failed.
Thanks for pointing it out.
The PM shouldn't be there,and you don't really need an AM either just spell out two.
3447102 Better idea:
Never use numbers in literature unless its for a chapter number, or something like that. Otherwise, always spell it out.
Anyway, I found this to be somewhat lackluster. I'm a huge fan of futa and only support lesbian sex/ships, so it's kind of surprising.
First off, don't use sounds in speech like 'AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH' and whatnot, especially not in clop. It's visually unattractive and destroys immersion faster than Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Use actions and description to get the point across that she came/moaned (i.e. 'Rainbow Dash's body shuddered as her orgasm rocked her trim body, an unbidden, guttural moan escaping her lips with each spasm.'). It helps build your reader's focus and really draws them into the story.
Next, I'd suggest working on being more descriptive over all and less list-y. Don't really feel like going back and finding some examples, but it should be self-evident.
Finally, this:
Get rid of this. It demolishes any remaining immersion into the story and is utterly out of place. I also suggest using ' ' instead of " " for narrative quotes and/or making such quotes italicized.
OH! While I'm on the topic of immersion!
I'm also a huge fan of cervical insertion. It's extremely sexy to me, but only when it makes sense. There isn't any way in Tartarus that a horse's penis would penetrate the cervix and enter the womb unless the mare didn't have a cervix at all. The blunt head, made even more blunt when it flared after Dash had already orgasmed at least once, makes horse penis impossible for such penetration. Now, if these were bulls, pigs, or birds, it'd be more possible since they have slimmer, more pointed penises meant for such things since they want their sperm as deep as possible. Evolution ftw for those guys.
Anyway, long story short. That kills it as well. Horse penis =/= cervical sex.
3448763
Good points.
I removed some of the dialogue moans but kept a few of them as I thought they fit in. I also changed the Big Mac section to a more... sweet ending.
As for the cervix, it is a fan fiction about colored ponies. I think logic applies here as much as it does to Pinkie Pie. Sure, I won't really add a giant robot in the middle of it but I think you get my point.
Thanks for your opinions and suggestions.
winning.winning is what.
10/10 would fap again
forehooves
limp
_______________
You can't enter the cervix. Until it's time for birth, it's an incredibly small opening, plugged with mucus and doesn't let anything into it. It's physically impossible. But other than that, it was a decent opening chapter.
Sot? You mean soot right?
This whole thing is going very fast, but I can say the pacing is in not bad at all.
It's a little sparse on describing Rainbow Dash's perspective. Pretty vivid though, if a bit terse.