PerpetualHeat
Joined 22nd Jun, 2013 ·
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This was pretty brave for your first story. Thumbs up for decent.
Well, that was certainly interesting! Wouldn't mind a bit more.
Interesting, and despite my utter hate-on for Trixie, this is a good fic. You're still going to pony hell, of course, but good.
hey it's my birthday present!
not meant to be a slow or deep story of course, and a little more action from apple bloom woulda been nice, but you didn't do too bad with what you had
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troll.me/images/bert/whatthefuck-did-i-just-read.jpg
l.wigflip.com/lW91VuGV/roflbot.jpg
Here, have a thumb up. Heck, I'd cut it off and mail it to you if I weren't using it.
You do realize that a shemales cum isn't in any way virile or potent right? Js bro.
I'd take it through a minor spell check. Overall it's a pretty hot story.... You got the dialogue down well..... Can't wait to see more!!!
DIS MAKES ME FEEL WEIRD :3
Too short. The sex scenes have no time to develop and are over far too quickly to be erotic. Slow down with it. Really dive into Applebloom's emotions, these new feelings. Have her squirm a bit, let her suffer before Trixie comes in to "help her relax." Be MUCH more descriptive in the sex. something like this, the sex needs to be at the very least a few thousand words. I know, it sounds like a lot, but if you want to be a truly effective writer, you gotta put in the effort.
There's potential here, I'll admit. Just give the scenes room to breathe.
Wait, what the fuck?
Trixie... and Applebloom... and Foalcon?
No. Ballsy as fuck for a first story, but no.
In my mind that was a good story
Best pony has sex with third best CMC?
I'm in!
I recognize where you got the idea from, and I must say that this is one risky move. You play your cards right and you're going to have one very popular story. If you do happen to continue this story, probably should consider expanding to the other CMC. Maybe even a further than that.
2765193
The man has spoken! Let it be so!
Interesting story, but it's just not for me. Keep it up though, because some people seem to enjoy it very much.
I saw where this was going... Why did I click!?!? Oh well, good enough of a read.
Heeeeey, you posted it over here! Now I can favorite it and get new updates easy!
2765235 Fuck you space, you know you fapped gtfo.
I know I did. Long as she sticks with just the fillies, my boner is more than ready, it's eager.
Needs some fleshing out. Enjoyable, in that whole "everyone-who-so-much-as-gives-this-a-passing-glance-gets-an-automatic-ticket-to-pony-hell" sort of way. I'd read more.
i like it
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Reminds me a lot of Twilights Midnight Violations.
I CAME!!
*sigh* they need a molestia emote.
I might be going to pony hell, but I'll be damned if I don't enjoy the trip!
I would like a sequel good sir
2764961 ponies also can't talk, don't come in pastel colors and cannot cook dinners. [/nosuspensionofdisbelief]
2774453 true enough.
Hey, I remember reading this over at Futanari Palace! Have a thumbs up.
Followed, looking forward to more. :D
Pretty damn good. Not many mistakes (I am an editor and do a fine hell of a job, even ask the author of Carrot Top's Helper... I'm not on a computer that can give me the link to it so you will have to find it yourself... sorry...) I really want to see this go on... You should add on more chapters to this instead of it being a one-shot
i.imgur.com/tfZQS.jpg
This fic has a lot of potential my good sir. Please continue.
Holy shit, yes. This was epic. There really is no other word for it.
My first story was a foal clop story as well, so you're not alone.
More please.
I do hope ya make more, it is not the clop that got me but more how your going to play trixie
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!
Moar! Like a dinosuar goes rwar moar!!!
I loved it all and I loved it see more .
MOAR!!!!!!!!
Overall, I liked it. If you continued it, I would definitely read the next chapter in a heartbeat.
Threesome anyone?
Series please!!! Its good and i want more!!!!
well buck i guess im a foalcon
Good quickie, thumb up!
this was awesome interesting
This pleases me immensely.
May want to fix that.
Nice story ya got here, 3/5
don't pull nothin'
____________________
wanderin'
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anythin'
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anythin'
runnin'
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savin'
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Ya
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She
making
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wouldn't
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shouldn't
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Really the only thing you have to know about southern accents [if you aren't going to use Ah to replace I [which I've never heard IRL, but is what AJ uses] is that use ' instead of g, and ya = you while y'all = you all. And in your writing you have to make sure you use ' instead of ;.
Other than that, this was an amazing clop fic. I really hope you make a series out of this. If you make a sequel / series can you PM me so I can keep up with this?
A worthy addition to the contest, which yes is still going on. Im waiting on anyone else who wants to enter.
More!
4615742 This 'un was written almost a year before the contest began. Is it still a valid entry?