Pinkie at Google

by CartsBeforeHorses

Don't Be Evil

“Alright, it’s ten o’clock PM. Where’s our new board member?” asked Larry Page, the CEO of Google, as he glanced at his wristwatch.

About a dozen members of the Google board of directors were gathered around a long conference table in the corporate headquarters, located in the picturesque suburb of Mountain View, California. If you want to know more about Mountain View, you can go on the internet and... well, you know.

Patrick Pichette, the CFO of Google, chuckled. “Late on her first day? I would have expected--”

“Surprise!”

Out from under the conference table, a pink pony burst, jumping into a chair as balloons and confetti floated into the air around her.

“I wanted to make a big appearance for my first day!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Thank you, miss Pie,” said Page. “Now, for those of you who don’t know, we’ve brought Pinkie Pie on as the Chief Party Officer here at Google. We are always trying to revolutionize the industry…”

Pinkie Pie swiveled around and around in the rotating office chair, as Page continued speaking.

“...We’ve been having some image problems recently, what with the whole privacy issues. People need to know that we’re cool and all. Also, we need to make sure that we’re on the cutting edge of internet technology and coming up with new concepts. Hopefully, Pinkie Pie can bring in some new ideas on how to make Google a fun and cool company.”

He swung his arm across his chest in a juvenile display of enthusiasm.

“So, Pinkie, why don’t you get started and give us some ideas.”

Pinkie Pie stopped rotating in her chair as tweety birds flew around her head.

“Uh… dizzy…” she said. She shook her head a few times, and then spoke. “Oh, ideas. Right. Well, for one, it’s sort of a sausage fest in here.”

Pinkie Pie glanced around the room at the overwhelmingly-male board of directors. “What kind of party has no mares at it? You should start charging ponies five bucks to enter the board meetings, unless they bring some mares with them. Just like they do at clubs!”
“I agree with that statement,” said Susan Wojcicki, the Senior Vice President of Ads and
Commerce, and also the only woman on the board. “We could definitely stand to do more to promote diversity.”

“As an African-American who is completely competent at his position and was in no way helped by affirmative action, I agree that we men should have to pay to attend these meetings,” said David C. Drummond, Senior Vice President of Corporate Development and Chief Legal Officer.

“But we’re all rich, so let’s make it five thousand dollars,” he suggested. The others in the room nodded.

Eric E. Schmidt, the Executive Chairman and former CEO until 2011, put his face in his palm. “Look, I’m all for diversity, but you can’t start charging people pitch money to enter board meetings. The shareholders would have a fit and--”

“It’s settled. We’ll put a pitch jar right there next to the potted fern and water cooler by the doorway. Now, Pinkie, how about some other ideas?” said Page, paying no mind to Schmidt’s objections.

“Okay, here’s a good idea! How about we come up with cars that can drive themselves? That way, when people get too drunk at a party, they get in their car and it can drive them home!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Schmidt started, “Look, we’re an IT company; I don’t think that cars are exactly part of our business model, and even if they were--”

“Brilliant!” Paige exclaimed. “We can even integrate it with Google Maps so that the car knows exactly where to go!”

“Hah, let’s see Apple do that,” said Drummond, “I bet that the car would just drive straight into the ocean.”

Everyone in the board room laughed.

“And all their cars would just be one color: white. And don’t you DARE try and jailbreak them or have sex in the backseat, because Apple is a family company!” said Page.

Everyone broke into hysterics. Drummond pounded his fist on the table. Pinkie fell out of her chair.

“Where are we on Google Glass, Sundar?”

“Well,” answered Sundar Pichai, the Senior Vice President of Android, Chrome, and Apps, “It’s coming along nicely, and we’re still working out some of the bugs--”

“Ooh, I hate bugs!” said Pinkie Pie, “They get all over you. Normally I squash them.”

“--but I forsee a Q2 or Q3 launch. Now, of course, we always want to keep up with the next big thing. We have phones, we have glasses, so what will be next?”

“Ooh, ooh! I know!” said Pinkie Pie, raising her hoof and jumping up in the air.

“Yes, Miss Pie?” asked Larry Page.

“How about people can download their whole BRAINS into Google? Then, they can live forever!”

Schmidt groaned. “Can we focus on this century, Pinkie? Scientists still don’t even fully comprehend how regular brains work, and the amount of data storage required would make it beyond cost prohibitive. The technology isn’t even there for--”

“I love it!” exclaimed Page, once again interrupting his colleague.

Schmidt tried to continue, “Even if you theoretically could do it, there’s issues like potential glitches or privacy concerns--”

Susan Wojcicki interrupted. “We can tailor ads based on people’s thoughts, just like we do with AdWords. We can call it AdThoughts!”

“Yeah, and we can get them to buy new things like Chrome (buffers) and polish for their new metallic Android (bodies),” said Sundar Pichai.

“YEAH!” yelled out Pinkie, jumping up and down in her chair as she threw confetti everywhere.

“WOOOH!” yelled Larry Page, ripping off his shirt.

The Board of Directors left the meeting in gleeful ecstasy. All, of course, except for Schmidt, the former CEO who never would have let such fanciful, Pinkie-Pie-in-the-sky conversations take place when he was chairman. He wept softly at the loss of his company’s former credibility.

Larry Page issued a press release the next day, and the same gullible masses who also believed that there would be flying cars by the year 2000 ate up his puffery and exaggerations and rose the stock price over $1,000 a share.

And that’s how Equestria was made.

Comments

[Lionblaze103]

That was funny.

[Ruby Rose]

Gotta love those Apple jokes, I'm an owner of an iPhone and I laughed.

[Stormy Skies]

So Carts, are you dressing as Darf for Halloween?

[Leonzilla]

One thing: It would be better if you switch the yeah, and the wooh.

“YEAH!” yelled out Pinkie, jumping up and down in her chair as she threw confetti everywhere.

“WOOOH!” yelled Larry Page, ripping off his shirt.

~Leonzilla

[Super-Brony12]

That was pretty funny. Nice work!

~ Super-Brony12

[FenDingo]

Wow, this was outstanding. The mentioning of each of the employee's positions in-line was hilarious :'D Very well done!

[CartsBeforeHorses]

3368595 i am. i also expect you to take me seriously. yes, take me seriously even though i refuse to capitalize anything. my shift key is broken.

[Crackers]

This was certainly humorous and I laughed all the way through it. Good job!

[Lag Incarnate]

This was most enjoyable. I'm surprised I got all of those jokes.

[ParadigmShift]

I never stopped laughing.

Good work, sir.

Now, back into your cubicle.

[Ekluvstuff]

More please this is so funny

[abronie]

3369180
Just use caps lock!
Nice story too.

[HearthsEve]

Heh heh.

[MarkTheWolfpony]

Pinkie should of been the google main staff.

[Stella Dawn]

[crystal_chaos]

I read the title. What the buck have I gotten myself into today?

[KawaiiKingOfSwag]

google.com is da bessssst

[LyraAlluse]

Well, this explains the decisions Google has been making lately. Can we just talk a minute about their logo and icon change? That wasn't the best move on their part. I blame Pinkie.

[CartsBeforeHorses]

6483633 Well, the company was already being run by the equivalent of children, so I guess they figured that they might as well have the elementary sans-serif logo to match.

[LyraAlluse]

6483703 Google has some cool products although I'm thoroughly convinced that Google Glass is some weird mind control device and the self driving cars are programmed to ship unsuspecting passengers to their doom. Because everyone knows that Google is secretly an evil corporation bent on world domination.

The cruddy logo and icon are just there to throw you off.

[RIP dead]

wait!!! what????

[platogkrone]

3368306

That was funny.

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[No One and Nobody]

I enjoyed this story. It was really funny! I just love how they all go along with Pinkie like it's the most natural thing in the world.
However, I don't think this technically qualifies as an 'E' rated fic.
Fimfiction FAQ:

'Teen' is anything more risqué or salacious than content you might see in the show ... If a character only makes reference to having sex, that would typically be fine with a ‘Teen’ rating.

True, there wasn't any language but...

"it’s sort of a sausage fest in here" ... "or have sex in the backseat"

Where would that ever come up in the show?