Because that's all I do
Spike felt like he was ready. He had planned for weeks and it was finally gonna pay off. He had saved enough bits, and confidence, to confess to Rarity. Everything goes well until he reaches the door. Fueled only by rage and sadness, he ends up hurting one his closest friends. What will become of their friendship and will the wounds be healed? In hindsight, it seems like it was just an accident waiting to happen
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Interesting.
You cannot have more than one character speak in a single paragraph. Each time a different character speaks, you need to start a new one.
thanks, im no author, in fact ive written anything before and I'll admit the first chapter in hindsight is pretty shitty but ill try to keep it mind on the next chapter. Also hod do you like the plot idea? It was just something I kind of threw together and I'm just not sure jow much appeal it has
srry that came out wrong I meant to I haven't written anything before
Please let this be a FlutterSpike fic.
I'm still wondering what I should do for the next chapter
iiiiddddeeeeaaaaa
Also a quick apology on my writing skills, or the lack of, in the story
The only thing I think would be best if you separated each of the character's sayings into different sections or parts. Other than that, you hooked me. I am a huge Spike fan, and this tears my heart to know that Rarity just tossed his feelings to the side to just say yes to Fancy Pants.
I hope Fluttershy will be able to calm Spike down, and also, I hope Rarity sees what happened and tries to come up with a real good apology. Please continue with this. 
well, rarity is a fucking cunt. I hope her marriage fails.
I am happy to say that I'm working on the second chapter. I cant thank you all enough for the feedback
I'm not very good at writing lengthy chapters am I?
WoW! I don't know what say, but YOU GO TWILIGHT!
Now that is a big sister or mother, or whatever you can call Twilight as to Spike. Rarity, you better have a darn good apology ready to give to Spike. 
I also changed my username from hatty 11 to Spike the dragon badass
oh god not fancy pants. I love a good sparity but sometimes I like to read anything but a sparity. But when fancy pants is in it idk it feels strange. i dont hate the guy it is just ... strange. good so far feel bad for the poor guy.
damn it women always do this. "I DON'T LIKE YOU BUT I WILL LED YOU ON" Come on rarity you should just have told him in a clam manner "spike i like you but not in that sort of way". not "here let me break your heart you caring loving soul"
Twilight goes medieval!!!!
Holy crap. Twilight went to being a book worm to a badass.
>>Dartagnen
"you dont fuck with my number one assistant" *snaps neck*
oh, no, don't let nothing bad happen to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy!!!
..... *whistles*
Wow, ok.
One chapter in, and there are SO MANY flaws.
Let me explain this slowly.
First off,
You put two speakers in one paragraph. The number one rule in writing is
New speaker, new paragraph.
You shouldn't just bunch up dialogue like this, otherwise it confuses the reader and makes them frustrated. It completely jerks them from immersion and that's not a very good thing.
Secondly,
Dude, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. You are going at an extremely fast pace and are making lots of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. You have to take the time to review what you are writing and fix all the unwanted errors.
Once again, SLOW. DOWN.
This story has some potential, you just have to give it a kick in the right direction.
-YNA
>>YourNeighborhoodAlicorn
Yeah, I certaintly biffed it with the first chapter. I plan on editing out the massive flaws later. Thank you for the feedback, it means a lot to me! I just hope I didn't scare you off with the errors.
2887579
I look at Fancy Pants the same way they show him in canon: He's a stallion of much stature in Cantelot--a lot of clout, if you will. I don't really know about his relationship with Fleur, so no opinion. As for the romantic looks, it's a bit much. I think what it shows is that he has seen Rarity, an upcoming talent and a generally nice pony. Plus it's always seems to be his nature to be polite and understanding at all times.
And also, I think that ironically it would be FancyPants that would air out the feelings about Spike to Rarity..........but it appears that we are already at the classic scenario of Rarity rejects Spike (directly or indirectly), Spike gets depressed/angry/cynical/broken-hearted, Spike gets smitten with new mare/stallion (hey, it has happened
).
The topic has been done already, but I am looking forward to the unique twists you have in this story. Whoever you have Spike set up with, I just hope that person has the same feelings for Spike that Spike is apparently going have feelings for.
Oh dear, talk about a doozy......
FLUTTERSHY!!!
MAKE BELIEVES REBORN!!
Hey there,
You've got a nice little set up here, its both interesting and one can already see how this might turn into a Spike x Fluttershy fic. While its not on too many people's OTP lists, the dynamic is interesting enough that any story done on it has the feeling of novelty and originality. It's not done nearly often enough and there's plenty of unexplored thoughts to find and so I applaud you for choosing to write and share this story with the community.
That being said, this story is let down a lot by the grammar errors, misspellings, and structural issues. You'd benefit a lot from having someone proofread your work, if only because it is very easy to miss issues because you know in your head what the sentence is supposed to say, whereas a second set of eyes that isn't living in your head would be able to pick out. There are plenty of groups devoted to doing just that on this very site, I've heard plenty of good things about http://www.fimfiction.net/group/244/author-support, you may wish to check them out.
To be more specific, there are a lot of issues with punctuation in regards to dialogue. I'll list out a few in a bit, but its best if you take a look through a few dialogue punctuation guides. http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197295/authors-helping-authors/thread/9268/weekly-grammar-lessons-week-1-dialogue-punctuation is a well thought out explanation of a few things, and https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0v1JgjlW3zlJ_aqyuSfnUODJL__x9atb5DoEdJxrJ0/edit is a nice cheat sheet of just about every rule regarding dialogue punctuation.
Now, just because I have the time, I'll go through the specific mechanical errors I noticed in this chapter. These will just be mechanical errors, I'll go over a few form and structure issues later.
Celestia's. Celestia is her name, and as far as I'm aware there's no reason to pluralize her.
Should be Spike, the dragon, took residence in
different* and the second half of the sentence doesn't make sense, either it should be tossed fruit salad or it should be toast and fruit salad.
On the opposite side of the table, a plate of hay fries
As you'll see in the guides, in both of these sentences denoting the speaker is a continuation of the dialogue, not a separate action and both should be comma'ed out of the quotation marks. And, as people have said previous, one speaker to a paragraph.
The internal monologue should be italicized and considering that Twilight is thinking this in the present (referring to it as This morning) seemed should really be seems. Something seems different about him this morning
inquired
"I'm finally gonna do it Twi," he started as they sat down. Just missing punctuation and incorrect punctuation.
should have a period.
on her tea. "Aymard de Chouppes?! That's one of the most expensive
I do love the interrobang.
Spike simply grinned. "Rainbow Dash owes me money for a bet, I've been helping the Cakes
This is actually three sentences, with a break not where you might think. But look at where the actions break to see how this goes. There's also a missing "you"
Twilight was surprised at the determination he displayed to make all this possible. "So when do you plan on going over there?" Twilight said, finishing her last bite of salad. "Knowing Rarity, she'll probably take 2 hours just to get ready."
Spike chuckled at the joke. "Yeah, well I was planning on leaving at about 3:00, sound good?"
About two years ago, he had a big growth spurt which now gave him about a head and half height over Big Mac on all fours. Soon after that, his wings had sprouted and were big enough to hold his weight and he could now fly as he pleases.
"That sounds great Spike," Twilight said
"Things will turn out well, I'm sure," she said to herself
through and bouquet
As he neared the Boutique, he noticed a familiar pink-maned pony
Spike should be capitalized. Also, again, this is another pretty egregious example of one speaker per paragraph.
Spike blushed. "Yeah, you could say that..."
Fluttershy was surprised to say the least. "Oh my, that must cost a lot of money."
Spike sighed, "It did." Regaining his composure, he confidently continued,
Lots of weird punctuation in there.
"Well, good luck Spike!" Spike looked at a nearby clock and saw that it read 2:59. "AAAAHHH!! Gotta go Fluttershy!"
This sentence is a little off, you accidentally a word, and the separation of the clauses isn't clear, and the beginning and end seem redundant. I think what you're trying to do is "Only steps away from the boutique, Spike began to doubt himself as he reached the door." But being steps away from the boutique and reaching the door creates a weird redundancy that could be more easily solved with some other descriptor of Spike's condition besides simply "reaching the door". This likely belongs in the form section, but I'll leave it here regardless.
feel the same way?" He started to calm himself down. "No, you can
but...maybe just this once." He put his head to the door
Canterlot should be capitalized.
He couldn't take it anymore, his thoughts a jumbled mess. "How could she do this to me, weren't my hints obvious enough, wasn't me being a good
He ran off as fast as he could towards the Everfree, dropping everything,
Rainbow Dash
"Spike, please don't go in there!" He plunged into the forest, completely ignoring her plea. Reluctantly, she continued the chase after him in the hopes that he would calm down and talk. "Spike, please just talk to me!" Not being able to keep up with him, she soon lost sight of Spike. "Oh my, maybe I should get the others? No, that would take to long. But should I really go by myself?" Concerned more Spike's safety than hers, she decided to go alone in hopes of finding him.
Just a whole bunch of missing commas there.
Ok, so that took a little longer than anticipated and I kinda left a few things out near there end because I do want to get to a few form comments.
There are quite a few instances of showing vs. telling issues here that really let the story down quite a bit. By this, I mean that there are many times where you tell the reader in very plain terms what is happening where it would be far more interesting to show the reader what is happening to make a more interesting picture. for example
How do we know that she's interested? How does Spike know? What's she doing that makes it seem like she's interested?
Instead of that, it would be more interesting for the reader to be told, "Fluttershy leaned forward, eyes wide with interest." Or something similar. Now you've described the picture and tapped in to the audience's imagination, so they have something to visualize.
There are a few instances of this, and now I don't quite have the time to go over them, but just remember that its almost always better to paint a picture for the audience to visualize rather than making a plain statement. There are very few circumstances when there's more impact stating something plainly.
You also seem to have a penchant for, what I call, "to be" sentences. These are sentences that function off the "He was" "She was" and these almost always come off as simple and repetitive. Combined with a pattern of very short and choppy sentence structuring and the whole thing reads as a few levels below what it should. There will always be ways to add flourish and descriptors to a sentence. One of my favorite things to do is to add a dependent clause to the start of a sentence.
I'm running low on time, so I hope that some of this is helpful in your work going forward.
I wish you luck,
-Duskrider
3034984Thank you very much for taking so much time to show my errors it's apreciated morenthan you could know. Im already having someone give me a helping hand in this story story.
3034984>>2885618>>2885925>>2894520>>2895397>>2896923 Would it piss anyone off if I somehow turned this into Twispike or Sparity?
3042059 There are way too many Sparity and Twispike fics out there as it is. From what I've seen there hasn't been a sign of any recent Flutterspike fics. (there aren't a lot of those)
3043321which is why i wrote this. ITS A BIG PROBLEM PEOPLE, WE NEED MOAR FLUTTERSPIKE
humorfrog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Moar-Krabs-Hope.jpg
I
this chapter. What a great read. Can't wait for the next chapter 
This is work for Luna.
Just some quick feedback.
I'm not "in the know" when it comes to story level grammar, but I do think that beyond one ?! Is excessive and redundant.
That aside this story is interesting, so read on I shall!
The story, I don't mind.
the grammar?
You need a line break at each change of speaker. Otherwise, it gets too hard to follow who's saying what.
Good job, bro but I can see why you are out of ideas. You didn't really leave anyway for the story to grow in this chapter. Though I think it would be better with actually romance scenes and some parts where Shy comforts Spike. These past few chapter were mostly Spike being all mad and sad. Smad!
But yah make the next chapter have Shy comfort Spike and have them spend more time together, w/ the two eventually falling in love while Rarity desperately tries to get Spike to forgive her for leading him on. And u were right, we would make a great team. But so far so good. Have a Mustaches 
3413439that's the kind of stuff that I had in mind, but my issue isn't necessarily plot direcrion, but more filler. Stuff that adds detail to a scene and makes it interesting to read, because anybody can just give a general summary of the story, I however want to expand upon that in order to give more depth to the storyline and the characters. Thank tou for reading. , and for the advice bro
!
hmm that's a little more difficult... Its best to right that kind of stuff in the heat of the moment, let the words and emotions flow from the bowels of your imagination on to the screen in front of you, with little thought on the wording or grammar, which can be changed later
or al least that's how I do it. I get inspired and just let it flow, with little thought only to how it would work and connect. All you need is a basic idea for the setting, the character's personality's (I very much dislike working with the personalities of characters that are not my own, but I try to put up with it in the form of the Mane 6) and what you want to happen. Then just BECOME the character and write what you think they would say. And don't rush the love; it needs to be slow, with Shy asking Spike what was wrong, with Spike then going all Emotion Dragon and pouring his heart out to Fluttershy and their relationship blooming from there, like a rose in the breath of spring. All it needs is some love, attention, and of course sunlight, but we aren't talking about physical flowers though. No, you need to make this next chapter sad, where the audience gets a pang of pity and sadness, right in the feels
and then have a fight scene where he beats the shat out of the colt and kiss shy and den do da sex on her. Nah but really, something like that would be good.
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/right-in-the-feels.gif
make them fell sad for spike, but mostly you need to focus on making Shy fell bad for him. Then make Spike spend more time with Fluttershy, and have some lovey-duvey scenes and then make Fluttershy have a abusive coltfriend who lives in Cloudsdale and make Spike walk in on him beating shy
Though do it in a much more refined and drawn out way then what I said
3414538gotcha
Q:why is Rarity sketching and not in a hospital be Spike is less this okay and well her beast fired flutters is hurt sooo ya
3458811I'm assuming that you're asking why Rarity isn't in tbe hospital. She is in there, she is simply sketching because she does it whenever she thinks of an idea and helps pass the time as she waits for Flutters to wake up
3458844 but remember Twi's threat that kind of was a big part so ya now