Chapter 1
Celestia's sun shone brightly through the window of the Golden Oaks Library where Ponyville's local librarian Twilight Sparkle and faithful assistant Spike the dragon took residance in. Twilight awoke to the smell of breakfast and the faint sound of her number one assistant Spike humming to himself. As she made her way down the steps and into the kitchen, she found a table filled with different foods such as toast and fruit salad set out for her. On the opposite side of the table, a plate of hay fries and and assortment of gems awaited the chef.
"Morning Twilight." The young dragon said as he gave her a warm smile.
"Hi Spike." She said returning the friendly gesture. 'Something seems different about him.' Twilight thought as she began to notice that Spike had his spines combed back a liitle nicer than usual. She also noticed that he had gotten his scales polished a bit. "So Spike, what's the occasion?" she inqiured.
"I'm finally gonna do it Twi." he started as they sat down "It's time I stopped hiding my feelings out of fear of rejection, so later today I'm going to invite Rarity to dinner at Aymard de Chouppes." Twilight almost choked on her tea "Aymard de Chouppes?! That's one of the most expensive restaurants in Ponyville! How did you ever get the bits to afford that place?"
Spike simply grinned "Rainbow Dash owes me money for a bet, I've been helping the Cakes clean up at Sugarcube Corner in my freetime, I helped Applejack out in the orchard, and lots of other small jobs all around Ponyville. That's what I've been doing for several months now to get enough bits for a couple of reservations at about 7:00 or so."
Twilight was surprised at the determination he displayed to make all this possible. "So when do you plan on going over there?" Twilight said finishing her last bite of salad. "Knowing Rarity she'll probably take 2 hours just to get ready."
Spike chuckled at the joke. "Yeah, well I was planning on leaving at about 3:00, sound good?"
Twilight was proud at how much he had grown over the past three years since they moved to Ponyville. About two years ago, he had a big growth spurt which now gave him about a head and half over Big Mac on all fours. Soon after that his wings had sprouted and were big enough to hold his weight and he could now fly as he pleases.
"That sounds great Spike." Twilight said as they both finished they're meals. She wondered how things would go between him and Rarity. "Things will turn out well, I'm sure." she said to herself, having the utmost of confidence that her assistant would succeed.
(~)
It was around 2:55 in the afternoon as Spike made his way over to the Carousel Boutique. He had a little spring in his step as he walked through the market picking up a bouquet of tulips for Rarity, knowing how much she liked them. As he neared the Boutique, he noticed a familiar pink-maned pony shopping in the market for supplies. "Hey Fluttershy!" Spike said as he walked towards her.
"Oh, hi Spike! What brings you here today?" replied the happy mare. "You seem to have made the extra effort to look good, is there some sort of special occasion?"
Spike blushed. "Yeah, you could say that..." Now Fluttershy was interested.
"So what's going on today?" she asked with a slight bit of enthusiasm to find out the answer. "Today I plan on asking Rarity to dinner at Aymard de Chouppes." Fluttershy was surprised to say the least. "Oh my, that must cost a lot of bits."
Spike sighed, "It did." Regaining his composure, he confidently continued, "But it will all be worth it when all is said and done, I have no doubt." Fluttershy was happy to see her close friend so confident about doing what he was doing.
"Well, good luck Spike!" He looked at a nearby clock and saw that it read 2:59. "AAAAHHH!! Gotta go Fluttershy!" And with that he zoomed off.
"I hope everything works out ok..." She thought aloud as she began to head back to her cottage."He seems awfully excited about this."
(~)
Only steps away from the boutique Spike began to doubt himself. What if she doesn't feel the same way?" He started to calm himself down. "No, you can do this. Just knock on the door and ask her to dinner, simple as that." However when he was about knock, he began to hear voices inside."I really shouldn't but...maybe just this once." He put his head to the door and listened closely.
"Rarity, ever since I met you in Canterlot those few years ago, I knew you were the the one for me." Who is this guy?!?! Spike panicked as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. His worst fears were confirmed when the the stallion inside popped the. question "Rarity, will marry me?" He soon heard an ecstatic Rarity screaming "OH YESYESYESYES!!!!!!!! How could I say no to you Fancy Pants?" Spike's heart sank to the ground. "I knew you wouldn't." Replied a rather happy Fancy Pants.
He couldn't take it anymore, his thoughts a jumbled mess. "How could she do this to me, weren't my hints obvious enough, wasnt me being a good friend and helping her enough for her to see?! Wasn't me being her fucking WALKING PIN CUSHION ENOUGH FOR HER?!?! Spike was enraged and depressed as he couldn't find the will to keep his ear to the door. He ran to the only place he knew where he would be away from anypony. He began to dash away away but not before bumping right into the door handle causing a loud thump. He ran off as fast as he could towards the Everfree dropping everything.Rarity came and opened up the door to see a final glimpse of a pointed purple tail dissappear down the road. As she saw looked down she saw something that made her begin to sob, a bouquet of tulips and reservations to Aymard de Chouppes. "Oh Spike, I thought you would be over me by now..."
(~)
Spike was no longer thinking as he ran as fast as his legs would take him. He was nearing the forest with speeds that would make Rainbow Dash jealous. However right before he reached the forest, he was spotted by none other than the element of kindness herself. She soon realized where he was headed and went after him.
"Spike, please don't go in there!" He plunged into the forest, completely ignoring her plea. Reluctantly, she continued the chase after him in the hopes that he would calm down and talk. "Spike, please just talk to me!" Not being able to keep up with him, she soon lost sight of Spike. "Oh my, maybe I should get the others? No, that would take to long. But should I really go by myself?" Concerned more Spike's safety than hers, she decided to go alone in hopes of finding him. And with that she dove head first into the Everfree Forest.
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Interesting.
You cannot have more than one character speak in a single paragraph. Each time a different character speaks, you need to start a new one.
thanks, im no author, in fact ive written anything before and I'll admit the first chapter in hindsight is pretty shitty but ill try to keep it mind on the next chapter. Also hod do you like the plot idea? It was just something I kind of threw together and I'm just not sure jow much appeal it has
srry that came out wrong I meant to I haven't written anything before
Please let this be a FlutterSpike fic.
I'm still wondering what I should do for the next chapter
iiiiddddeeeeaaaaa
Also a quick apology on my writing skills, or the lack of, in the story
The only thing I think would be best if you separated each of the character's sayings into different sections or parts. Other than that, you hooked me. I am a huge Spike fan, and this tears my heart to know that Rarity just tossed his feelings to the side to just say yes to Fancy Pants.
I hope Fluttershy will be able to calm Spike down, and also, I hope Rarity sees what happened and tries to come up with a real good apology. Please continue with this. 
well, rarity is a fucking cunt. I hope her marriage fails.
I am happy to say that I'm working on the second chapter. I cant thank you all enough for the feedback
oh god not fancy pants. I love a good sparity but sometimes I like to read anything but a sparity. But when fancy pants is in it idk it feels strange. i dont hate the guy it is just ... strange. good so far feel bad for the poor guy.
..... *whistles*
Wow, ok.
One chapter in, and there are SO MANY flaws.
Let me explain this slowly.
First off,
You put two speakers in one paragraph. The number one rule in writing is
New speaker, new paragraph.
You shouldn't just bunch up dialogue like this, otherwise it confuses the reader and makes them frustrated. It completely jerks them from immersion and that's not a very good thing.
Secondly,
Dude, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. You are going at an extremely fast pace and are making lots of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. You have to take the time to review what you are writing and fix all the unwanted errors.
Once again, SLOW. DOWN.
This story has some potential, you just have to give it a kick in the right direction.
-YNA
2887579
I look at Fancy Pants the same way they show him in canon: He's a stallion of much stature in Cantelot--a lot of clout, if you will. I don't really know about his relationship with Fleur, so no opinion. As for the romantic looks, it's a bit much. I think what it shows is that he has seen Rarity, an upcoming talent and a generally nice pony. Plus it's always seems to be his nature to be polite and understanding at all times.
And also, I think that ironically it would be FancyPants that would air out the feelings about Spike to Rarity..........but it appears that we are already at the classic scenario of Rarity rejects Spike (directly or indirectly), Spike gets depressed/angry/cynical/broken-hearted, Spike gets smitten with new mare/stallion (hey, it has happened
).
The topic has been done already, but I am looking forward to the unique twists you have in this story. Whoever you have Spike set up with, I just hope that person has the same feelings for Spike that Spike is apparently going have feelings for.
Hey there,
You've got a nice little set up here, its both interesting and one can already see how this might turn into a Spike x Fluttershy fic. While its not on too many people's OTP lists, the dynamic is interesting enough that any story done on it has the feeling of novelty and originality. It's not done nearly often enough and there's plenty of unexplored thoughts to find and so I applaud you for choosing to write and share this story with the community.
That being said, this story is let down a lot by the grammar errors, misspellings, and structural issues. You'd benefit a lot from having someone proofread your work, if only because it is very easy to miss issues because you know in your head what the sentence is supposed to say, whereas a second set of eyes that isn't living in your head would be able to pick out. There are plenty of groups devoted to doing just that on this very site, I've heard plenty of good things about http://www.fimfiction.net/group/244/author-support, you may wish to check them out.
To be more specific, there are a lot of issues with punctuation in regards to dialogue. I'll list out a few in a bit, but its best if you take a look through a few dialogue punctuation guides. http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197295/authors-helping-authors/thread/9268/weekly-grammar-lessons-week-1-dialogue-punctuation is a well thought out explanation of a few things, and https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0v1JgjlW3zlJ_aqyuSfnUODJL__x9atb5DoEdJxrJ0/edit is a nice cheat sheet of just about every rule regarding dialogue punctuation.
Now, just because I have the time, I'll go through the specific mechanical errors I noticed in this chapter. These will just be mechanical errors, I'll go over a few form and structure issues later.
Celestia's. Celestia is her name, and as far as I'm aware there's no reason to pluralize her.
Should be Spike, the dragon, took residence in
different* and the second half of the sentence doesn't make sense, either it should be tossed fruit salad or it should be toast and fruit salad.
On the opposite side of the table, a plate of hay fries
As you'll see in the guides, in both of these sentences denoting the speaker is a continuation of the dialogue, not a separate action and both should be comma'ed out of the quotation marks. And, as people have said previous, one speaker to a paragraph.
The internal monologue should be italicized and considering that Twilight is thinking this in the present (referring to it as This morning) seemed should really be seems. Something seems different about him this morning
inquired
"I'm finally gonna do it Twi," he started as they sat down. Just missing punctuation and incorrect punctuation.
should have a period.
on her tea. "Aymard de Chouppes?! That's one of the most expensive
I do love the interrobang.
Spike simply grinned. "Rainbow Dash owes me money for a bet, I've been helping the Cakes
This is actually three sentences, with a break not where you might think. But look at where the actions break to see how this goes. There's also a missing "you"
Twilight was surprised at the determination he displayed to make all this possible. "So when do you plan on going over there?" Twilight said, finishing her last bite of salad. "Knowing Rarity, she'll probably take 2 hours just to get ready."
Spike chuckled at the joke. "Yeah, well I was planning on leaving at about 3:00, sound good?"
About two years ago, he had a big growth spurt which now gave him about a head and half height over Big Mac on all fours. Soon after that, his wings had sprouted and were big enough to hold his weight and he could now fly as he pleases.
"That sounds great Spike," Twilight said
"Things will turn out well, I'm sure," she said to herself
through and bouquet
As he neared the Boutique, he noticed a familiar pink-maned pony
Spike should be capitalized. Also, again, this is another pretty egregious example of one speaker per paragraph.
Spike blushed. "Yeah, you could say that..."
Fluttershy was surprised to say the least. "Oh my, that must cost a lot of money."
Spike sighed, "It did." Regaining his composure, he confidently continued,
Lots of weird punctuation in there.
"Well, good luck Spike!" Spike looked at a nearby clock and saw that it read 2:59. "AAAAHHH!! Gotta go Fluttershy!"
This sentence is a little off, you accidentally a word, and the separation of the clauses isn't clear, and the beginning and end seem redundant. I think what you're trying to do is "Only steps away from the boutique, Spike began to doubt himself as he reached the door." But being steps away from the boutique and reaching the door creates a weird redundancy that could be more easily solved with some other descriptor of Spike's condition besides simply "reaching the door". This likely belongs in the form section, but I'll leave it here regardless.
feel the same way?" He started to calm himself down. "No, you can
but...maybe just this once." He put his head to the door
Canterlot should be capitalized.
He couldn't take it anymore, his thoughts a jumbled mess. "How could she do this to me, weren't my hints obvious enough, wasn't me being a good
He ran off as fast as he could towards the Everfree, dropping everything,
Rainbow Dash
"Spike, please don't go in there!" He plunged into the forest, completely ignoring her plea. Reluctantly, she continued the chase after him in the hopes that he would calm down and talk. "Spike, please just talk to me!" Not being able to keep up with him, she soon lost sight of Spike. "Oh my, maybe I should get the others? No, that would take to long. But should I really go by myself?" Concerned more Spike's safety than hers, she decided to go alone in hopes of finding him.
Just a whole bunch of missing commas there.
Ok, so that took a little longer than anticipated and I kinda left a few things out near there end because I do want to get to a few form comments.
There are quite a few instances of showing vs. telling issues here that really let the story down quite a bit. By this, I mean that there are many times where you tell the reader in very plain terms what is happening where it would be far more interesting to show the reader what is happening to make a more interesting picture. for example
How do we know that she's interested? How does Spike know? What's she doing that makes it seem like she's interested?
Instead of that, it would be more interesting for the reader to be told, "Fluttershy leaned forward, eyes wide with interest." Or something similar. Now you've described the picture and tapped in to the audience's imagination, so they have something to visualize.
There are a few instances of this, and now I don't quite have the time to go over them, but just remember that its almost always better to paint a picture for the audience to visualize rather than making a plain statement. There are very few circumstances when there's more impact stating something plainly.
You also seem to have a penchant for, what I call, "to be" sentences. These are sentences that function off the "He was" "She was" and these almost always come off as simple and repetitive. Combined with a pattern of very short and choppy sentence structuring and the whole thing reads as a few levels below what it should. There will always be ways to add flourish and descriptors to a sentence. One of my favorite things to do is to add a dependent clause to the start of a sentence.
I'm running low on time, so I hope that some of this is helpful in your work going forward.
I wish you luck,
-Duskrider