• Published 1st Jul 2013
  • 9,883 Views, 204 Comments

The Teachings of a Non-Brony - BronyWriter



TD from No, I am NOT a Brony, GET ME OUTTA EQUESTRIA!!! finds himself in a position where he needs to defend his right to teach Cheerilee's class

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Fight For My Right to Teach

I took a deep breath and walked up the road to Cheerilee's quaint little cottage about a quarter of a mile from the school. I glanced over at her garden which clearly had not been tended to in a little while as weeds had begun popping up amongst the flowers. I made a note to offer to help her get her garden back in shape once she was feeling up to it.

I reached her door and put the box of crackers underneath my arm and adjusted the container of vegetable soup I was carrying, allowing me a free hand to knock on the door.

"Come in," rasped a sickly voice from inside the cottage. Yeesh, Cheerilee had been hit even harder than I thought.

I pushed the door to the cottage open and stepped inside. The first sight that greeted me was Cheerilee lying down on her little bed, everything from the neck down wrapped in a thick comforter. Her eyes were bloodshot and her mane was frazzled to the point where she looked like the bride of Frankenstein. She had one foreleg sticking out of her wrappings, and she was holding a copious amount of tissues in it. She smiled when she saw me come in. "Oh, hello, TD. How nice of you to drop--"

Before she could finish her sentence, her body began convulsing with hacking coughs that had me flinching. It sounded like she was trying to pass a lung through her throat. She managed to get control and cleared her throat. "By."

I scoffed and put the soup and crackers on a nearby table. "I know it probably isn't the most acceptable thing to say to a mare, but you look terrible."

Cheerilee rolled her eyes and wiped her nose with a tissue. "As if you've never gotten a case of the flu."

I smirked and shook my head. "I didn't say that." I motioned over to the food I brought. "I hope you can keep this down."

Cheerilee weakly chuckled. "I should be able to. It's pretty light, isn't it?"

"Just vegetable soup and crackers," I confirmed. "On my world we eat chicken noodle soup when we have the flu, but I didn't think you'd care for that."

Cheerilee shuddered and shook her head. "I don't even understand how you could eat meat. I know I could never eat another living creature."

I flashed my canines and sat down at a chair next to the table. "It's in my blood, so to speak. You know I eat fish that I catch."

Cheerilee waved her hoof. "You gotta do what you gotta do, but I could never do it myself."

I shrugged. "If you were human and were aware of what bacon tasted like, you would not stick to a vegetable diet."

Cheerilee rolled her eyes, but seemed to ignore the comment. "So, how was school today?" She grimaced and motioned over to a folder on the nightstand next to her bed. "I'm sorry that I forgot to get this to you, but..." She motioned to herself.

I took a deep breath and leaned back. "The... uh..." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "The school evaluator showed up today. She evaluated my teaching ability."

Cheerilee's eyes widened, but she soon groaned and facehooved. "Please tell me it wasn't that plothead Thinking Brain."

I snorted. "Plothead. I'll have to remember that one next time I see her."

Cheerilee groaned again and shook her head. "Well, what did she say?"

The small smile that I had on my face slowly faded away to a rather blank look. "She said that I wasn't good enough to teach your students. If I try to go back to teach I get a five hundred bit fine. If I get a teaching license I can go back, but until then..." I spun my hand. "You know."

"Great," Cheerilee muttered.

I grimaced and scratched the back of my neck. "I know I probably shouldn't ask, but how long does it take to get a teaching license around here?"

Cheerilee sighed and motioned over to a diploma hanging up on the wall. "It took me three years to get that, and I did it in record time. Most teachers get theirs in four or five." Cheerilee weakly shrugged and resumed her coughing.

"Well isn't that just ducky?" I stood up and walked over to the diploma. "Three years, huh?"

Cheerilee stopped her coughing and cleared her throat. "Given how much school you've completed, it might take you just one or two."

"Is tuition expensive?"

Cheerilee scoffed. "You have no idea. I finished school three years ago and I have a long way to go."

"Wonderful." I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall. "Wonderful."

Cheerilee cocked her head and shifted under her comforter. "Would you do it? Are you that devoted to teaching the foals?" Cheerilee coughed for a few seconds before continuing on. "Are you going to give up just because you've hit this roadblock?"

I opened my eyes and shot her a sidelong glance. "Well, I'm here for the rest of my life, aren't I? I can't just wash windows in Ponyville forever. If I need to work for..." I deeply exhaled. "Two or three years to gain the right to teach here then I think I will."

"Well it's good to know that you aren't giving up." Cheerilee frowned and crossed her forelegs. "But what about tomorrow or the next day?" Cheerilee motioned to herself again. "I'm not going to be able to get out of bed."

I shrugged and walked back over to the chair. "Well, they'll probably get a substitute. Twilight maybe."

Cheerilee clicked her tongue. "That's too bad. Twilight is good, but they have a nice rapport with you."

"Yeah." I motioned over to the lesson plan on the nightstand. "Should I give that to Twilight for you, or at the very least ask if she's your replacement for tomorrow?"

"If you want." Cheerilee reached over to the folder and nudged it closer. "Or..."

I frowned and cocked my head. "Or what?"

"Or you could teach the class tomorrow."

"Uh..." I stood up and the faintest traces of a smile played at my lips. I walked over to the nightstand and picked up the folder. "I suppose that I could. In all honesty, I've been looking for an excuse to do that."

"Do you know how you're going to get past what Thinking Brain said? About how you can't teach anymore?"

My faint smile turned into a full blown one. "You know, I think I'll think of something." I opened up the folder and scanned the pages. I flipped a few aside and took a deep breath. "In all honesty, I think I'm going to do it as much as I want, Thinking Brain and the Equestrian Educational Society be darned. I'll still get that license, and I don't care how long it takes, but tomorrow I think that the kids need me. As you said, they have a good rapport with me, and I know that I love teaching them."

Cheerilee weakly copied my smile. "Then I think that you know what you'll be doing tomorrow."

I nodded and closed the folder. "Yep. I think I know too."

* * * *

The next morning saw me, where else, standing in front of the room with the children talking animatedly about their recess time. They greeted me as they usually did. They had not been privy to the moment when Thinking Brain had told me that I couldn't teach there anymore, so they suspected nothing. Of course they were upset that Cheerilee was still sick, so I suggested that during art they make her 'get better' cards.

I took the lesson plan folder out of my backpack and flipped it open to begin our science lesson. That was right when Thinking Brain walked in with Twilight right next to her.

"Yes, Ms. Sparkle, I think that you will be a good substitute for Mr. Powell until Ms. Cheerilee gets better."

Twilight frowned and raised an eyebrow. She pointed a hoof at me. "You mean that Mr. Powell?"

Thinking Brain's turned her head and her eyes widened when they locked on to me. Her left eye twitched and her jaw nearly hit the floor. "Y-you!"

I shrugged and motioned to myself. "Me."

Her shocked expression twisted into a glare, and she stomped towards me. "I think I made it quite clear that you are forbidden from teaching here anymore! You do not meet the qualifications set by the Equestrian--"

"Yeah, I don't care." I motioned over to the kids. "And they don't either. In fact..." I walked over to the desk and picked up the lesson plan. "Today I even came prepared."

"That does not matter!" Thinking Brain snarled. "I have obtained the services of Ms. Sparkle who is far more qualified to teach than you are!"

Twilight flattened her ears and raised her hoof. "Uh, I don't actually have my teaching license. TD is more qualified to teach the foals than I am."

Thinking Brain harrumphed and stuck her nose in the air. "I'm afraid that is not true, Ms. Sparkle. You are the personal protégé of Princess Celestia herself."

"Okay." I slammed the folder down on the desk. "What is your problem with me? I get that you want qualified teachers, but I think that I fall under the category of competent substitute if nothing else."

Thinking Brain's scowl deepened. "I am paid to make sure that all teachers and substitutes are competent. I do not believe that you are such."

"Are you paid to be such a plothead about it?" I snarked.

Were she drinking, Thinking Brain would have done a magnificent spit-take. As it was the "ooooh"s from the children made it look like she was about to have a heart attack. Even Twilight looked like she wasn't sure whose side to be on, but I could see her bite her lip as if holding back a laugh.

Thinking Brain was not so amused.

"Now you listen to me," she said with as much venom as she could muster. "You have just proven yourself a brutish mongrel!" She motioned over to the students. "Is that the proper language to say in front of them?!"

I sighed and nodded. "Fair enough." I turned my head to the kids. "Kids, don't ever use that word, even if it completely describes ponies like her."

"Okay, TD," the class chanted back.

I made a show of exhaling and wiping my brow. "Whew, crisis averted."

I would go home and laugh for a good long while at the memory of seeing her face after that, but seeing it up close was just as good.

"You... you are a disgrace to the name of teaching!" she squawked. "You will certainly be paying that five hundred bit fine!"

"Yeah, about that." I reached inside my backpack and took out a large bag. I threw it at her hooves and crossed my arms. "Five hundred bits." I motioned to the bag. "Count it if you don't believe me." Thinking Brain just stared wide-eyed and open jawed at the bag as if doubting its existence. "Now, as I recall, you said that if I taught again that would cost me five hundred bits. However, you didn't say that I had to stop teaching once the fine was paid." I raised an arm and pointed at the door. "So if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get class started."

Thinking Brain looked up from the bag, glaring daggers at me. "You have no idea who you're dealing with, do you? Teaching without a license and disrespecting authority could land you in jail if you're not careful." Thinking Brain snatched the bag of bits off of the ground and shoved them onto her bag. "I will be suggesting full punishment for such unspeakable disrespect."

Okay, it was time to take the kid's gloves off. I stomped up to her and leaned forward until we here nose-to-snout. "No, you don't know who you're dealing with! You are so firmly entrenched in my bad side that you had better choose your next words very carefully! Do you know what happened to the last pony who was on my bad side to the extent that you are now? I punched her in the face!"

"Proving that you are a barbarian!" Thinking Brain retorted.

"Oh let me finish you prude. Do you know who that pony was?! Princess. Freaking. Celestia!"

The atmosphere seemed to be sucked out of the room all on account of Thinking Brain. Her jaw dropped again and she took a step backwards. "Y-you're lying. You wouldn't dare punch Princess Celestia!"

"He actually did," Twilight muttered.

I smirked and held up two fingers. "Twice, actually. Not only that, but I smashed a pie in Prince Blueblood's face, and had Princess Luna snap my spine over the back of a chair." I pointed at Twilight. "The first time I punched Celestia, Twilight smashed me through five walls after the Elements of Loyalty and Honesty smashed their hind legs into my legs." My eyes narrowed and I leaned in even more. "And I just got up and walked away."

"Y-you're lying!" Thinking Brain whispered.

"Trust me, he's not lying," said Twilight. She weakly chuckled and cleared her throat. "I might have lost my temper a bit when I saw him hit Princess Celestia."

"Oh," said Thinking Brain weakly.

"Now." I straightened back up and folded my arms. "Celestia owes me so many favors that I could probably take your job away from you." I motioned back to the students. "But I'm perfectly content just teaching them for a few days while Cheerilee gets back on her hooves. If you try to stop me, I'll call in one of those favors." I pointed to the door. "Or you could just get the heck out of here and let me start the day."

Thinking Brain could only blink for a full minute. She seemed to have lost all power of speech at any rate. I had to point to the door again before she regained rational thought and trotted out of the door. Twilight weakly chuckled and scratched the back of her neck. "Well, TD. Have a good day, I guess."

I smiled at her. "You too, Twilight." With that, Twilight walked out the door.

I took a deep breath and turned back to the class, all of whom were staring wide-eyed at me, but their mouths were twisted into huge smiles. I returned their smiles and leaned against the chalkboard.

"And that, children, is today's lesson on how to defy authority."

Author's Note:

Yes, I had a blast writing the second showdown between TD and Thinking Brain.

Comments ( 126 )

This is FABULOUS! :raritystarry: more soon?

2881520The next Wanderings chapter should be out soon.

I smirked and held up two fingers. "Twice, actually. Not only that, but I smashed a pie in Prince Blueblood's face, and had Princess Luna snap my spine over the back of a chair." I pointed at Twilight. "The first time I punched Celestia, Twilight smashed me through five walls after the Elements of Loyalty and Honesty smashed their hind legs into my legs." My eyes narrowed and I leaned in even more. "And I just got up and walked away."

Technically true, but misleading, since Celestia had to heal him both times.

OOOOOOOH SNAP!!! TD's such a fucking badass :rainbowwild:

Loved the new chapter man, keep up the good work, I can't wait for more! :pinkiehappy:

2881527Well, that would be counter-productive information.

"And that, children, is today's lesson on how
to defy authority."

BEST.ENDING.EVER.

You good sir deserve a medal because words cannot express how awsome you are.

2881547 I had a feeling you guys would enjoy that line.

Way to tell TB off! Have multiple mustaches!! :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Hell yes!

I loved the kids reaction to the whole thing. "Kids, don't ever use that word" "OK, TD." Crisis averted, indeed. So, are you actually going to have TD get a teaching licence, or is this mostly the end of the story?

2881699 I've established that he's going to go for the license, but I'm not going to go into detail about it.

2825555 I think this is before the events of wandering, seeing as the foals are still foal-age.

Lies of omission are the best kind of lie. I applaud TD for his creative use of the truth.

Are you planning to continue your other story about Cloud Chaser, latter on? I want to see the conclusion of that and the apologies of everypony for jump into conclusions

2881782 I've re-written the end of that. I hope to get over my writer's block about it soon.

Bahaha, I was expecting something about bullying being wrong, and something wholesome, but "that is how you defy authority" was NOT the punchline I was expecting.
Ah TD, greatest of the nonbrony.

That was so good. I was laughing through a lot of this and because of that I had to re-read paragraphs of the chapter. So funny all while teaching children how to defy authority. TB can do what he wants it seems ad that means we can see more of him. I wonder if plothead will still try and involve the royal guard in this and TB will make a show of that as well for the kids on "How to deal with the Royal Guard" Can't wait for the next chapter.

I love it when TD wins against intolerance

2881547 Almost as good as the time he punched Celestia in the face. :trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

Yay! :twilightsmile:

Exactl what I hoped TD would do and I'm not disappointed :pinkiehappy:.

Why can't real life be that bad ass? :rainbowkiss:

*Sniff**Sniff*That was...
BEAUTIFUL!
I applaud you TD, you finally showed you have a backbone to break! Well, to Thinking Brain, that is. I wouldn't have given her the bits myself, but what the hay? Good on ya! (Or whatever the Aussie's actually say, no offense meant to anyone)

TD would be the best teacher ever!

2882335 Yeah, what you said was close enough. I'm an Australian by the way. Probably would have been 'Good on ya mate!' if you wanted to be really Australian. But that's about it really.

You shall be spared. I love you forever.






...And ever. :pinkiecrazy:

2882797
Cool.


Also, seen any drop bears around? I was considering a vacation in Australia, but with all those deadly insects, arachnids, arthropods, mammals, humans, fish, and pretty much any other organism I can think of, I'm reconsidering.



:trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

2883007 Nah, no drop bears. They only go after the stupid ones who travel too far out into the bush. Same with bunyips and yowies. Only thing you really have to worry about is the reptiles. Snakes that hide in roof tops and crocadiles that live in the rivers. Other than that and spiders, you should be pretty safe. Ignoring all that it's a great country! You should totally vacation here!

2883089
But it killed Steve Irwin, a man who wrestled crocodiles for fun! What chance do I, a no-life extremely popular American, have?

All I want to know... is how do you make humor like this and how is it so glorious?

2883139 Unless you go around looking for crocs I doubt they'd take much interest in you. Besides, they tend to go for the fatter tourists.

Just that last line... It killed it in a good way. I bet TD stands for Total Destruction.

Way to stick it to the mare! So to speak.

I would love to see TD actually call in that favor.
"Hey, guess what Thinking Brain? I got a job in the Equestrian Teaching Comity."

"O really? Which position did you get?"

"Yours, actually. I'll give you a few minutes to pack your things, but then I will have to ask you to leave."

Oh god, I can't stop laughing... :rainbowlaugh:

Yeah...no. He just threatened his way out of the situation. Threatened with physical violence, or calling in a favor to get her fired. I thought he was going to outwit her or something.

I was fully expecting him to say something along the lines of "Now, you admit to what you said about my species, right here in front of everyone, and apologize. Or I will have Twilight here search our memories. Even if you don't give consent, I have no access to ways to change any of my memories. So it's that stacked with your unwillingness to cooperate. Don't fuck with the species with a military that makes your own look like kids throwing rocks, and scientists that make your best and brightest look like little idiots kicking at hornet nests."

But oh well, what he did works too. Until that mare starts telling people what happened. And I don't think Twilight would lie to an authority figure over this...

"And that, children, is today's lesson on how to defy authority."

TD's favourite topic! :pinkiehappy:

TD: 'Cause buck you, that's why. :rainbowlaugh:

2883632
...
Oh, great. So I take it American tourists are attacked more often?

2884311

Don't fuck with the species with a military that makes your own look like kids throwing rocks, and scientists that make your best and brightest look like little idiots kicking at hornet nests."

How is that different from what he said? He just said that he did that, not that he was going to do that to her.

2881527 He had to make himself sound badass or it wouldn't have been worth the stand off.

As much as I love that chapter it was resolved a little quickly I would love more to see some alternate ways of how it could have turned out, like for example one where he actually call's in Celestia, or he hire's a lawyer, or proves her racism.

I woke my parents up laughing at that last line LOL!!!!!:rainbowlaugh:

2888030
Me too, but for a different reason entirely. One involving ceramic knives, a block of wood, and the best engrish accent in history.
The chapter was phenomenal, though. :twilightsmile:

2885752
I agree, actually. I'd have liked to see a touch more wit and a touch less intimidation... Not that the confrontation wasn't totally TD written that way, I guess it just felt like it would be more appropriate for him to win on logic and wit while the 'professional' was arguing on emotion.

2885049 European tourists are attacked more actually. Although more Australian's die in Australia than in any other country. True fact.

2888763
:facehoof:
you missed my veiled implication about how us Americans are the fattest people statistically.

Then again, 80% of statistics are false and 134% are made up on the spot.

2881924 The first or second time?

BWAHAHAHA

Pullin' rank there, TD! Well, sorta kinda.

Though, knowing what happens in Wandering of TD, it doesn't seem as though he'll ever get that teaching license. Sure, he goes on a self-improvement journey and all that, but I feel bad that he missed out on all those things that happened while he was gone.

:moustache:

2883632 I'm thinking

And on a related note,

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