> The Teachings of a Non-Brony
>  by BronyWriter
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Students
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morning in Ponyville arrived for me once again as the sun raised by the object of my ire fixed itself in the sky. I pushed myself out of bed and stretched my arms behind my back as I let out quite the spectacular yawn. I scratched my back and glanced over at the calendar to see if there was anything particularly interesting that I had scheduled for the day. The only thing was it was another day for me to teach Cheerilee's class. I smiled and pushed myself out of bed. I looked forward to these days the most since I came to Equestria three months ago because Celestia couldn't help messing around with portals. The kids were so cool to be around it almost made being here worth it.

I said almost. I adored them, but I'd still rather be back on Earth.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I slung my backpack over my shoulder and headed out towards the schoolhouse. I nodded a greeting to a few ponies that crossed my path, but it was early enough that I didn't run into too many ponies on my way to the schoolhouse. That is, until I reached the school itself. Parents and their kids were flocking around it and saying their goodbyes for the school day. A few of them saw me coming and greeted me with a smile and a wave, something that I had no problem returning. 

I moved past the group and into the schoolhouse to have my pre-class meeting with Cheerilee where we discussed the plans for the day. However, instead of the sight of the schoolteacher I was met with an empty desk and a note placed on the table with my name scrawled on the top. Curious, I grabbed the letter and opened it up.

TD, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that I will not be able to come to class today. I've come down with a nasty case of the flu. I can't even get out of bed right now, and I had to get Roseluck to deliver this note for me. I know you'll do fine without me, though. The fillies and colts simply adore you. Best of luck, 
Cheerilee.

I gulped and put the note back down on the desk as the children filed into the classroom. I, of course, had taught this group many times and we had a good rapport going, but I had never actually done it alone. Cheerilee was always there to teach them more pony-centered subjects like the science of their world and their history. I knew next to nothing about those subjects. Still, I knew the math to teach them and all of that, and I could read out of a textbook if I was stuck on whatever lesson Cheerilee had provided.

Except that she hadn't provided one. 

I scanned her desk for her folder containing the lesson plans for the day, but the colorful folder bearing her cutie mark was nowhere to be found. She must not have left it here. Not good. 

Well, the fillies and colts were chattering away with each other about whatever I had planned for them. Truth be told I didn't really have much planned for them at all except for the hour and a half lesson that I usually gave. That left four and a half hours of heck if I know. 

Well, there wasn't really any sense in beating around the bush about everything. I cleared my throat and silence fell over the classroom. "Hey, kids."

"Good morning, TD," the class chanted back.

I reached into my backpack and pulled out the papers with my lesson plans on them and put them on the desk. "Okay, Ms. Cheerilee is out with the flu today so it's just me. Don't worry, she's fine, but I'm going to be leading class all day."

Before the class could do much more than chatter amongst themselves about the recent revelation, the door to the classroom swung open revealing a tan unicorn mare with a white mane and a blackboard for a cutie mark. I frowned and stepped closer to the mare. "Uh, can I help you?" 

The mare stopped in her tracks and raised her eyebrow at me. She stared at me for a few seconds as if sizing me up before giving a single curt nod. "My name is Thinking Brain and I'm here to do the bi-yearly evaluation of the Ponyville elementary school." The mare grunted. "I see Cheerilee is not here, but I've heard a great deal about you." Thinking Brain shrugged her shoulders and waved her hoof. "It's actually better that you are here and Cheerilee is not. Cheerilee has an absolutely flawless record in these matters while you are a completely different species teaching them who knows what."

"He's been teachin' us all 'bout his world!" Apple Bloom chirped. "It's really fun."

"I see." Thinking Brain trotted closer to the group of students. "And what are you learning about pony culture and sciences?"

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof. "We still learn all about that too! TD is only here for an hour so Ms. Cheerilee teaches us that stuff when he leaves."

"Hmm." The mare levitated a clipboard and a pencil out of her saddlebag and jotted something down. "Well then, Mr. TD, if you could begin your lessons for the day. Just follow your normal lesson plan."

I gulped and cleared my throat. "Y-yeah. Okay." I adjusted the papers on the desk and picked up a piece of chalk. "Today we're going to be discussing the Civil War that happened between the years of eighteen sixty-one and eighteen sixty-five in America, which is the country that I come from if you remember." I jotted the dates down on the chalkboard. "It was a pretty complicated issue, but suffice to say both sides had a unique position on the matter. The Northern states wanted to prevent the Southern states from breaking away from the union and forming a different country while the Southern states saw what the north was doing as ignoring their rights as states. Which, you know, was largely about keeping slavery going."

I continued on that lecture for a good hour or so, trying to simplify it enough that they understood it without going into the graphic details of the actual battles itself. I compared it to the Equestrian Civil War that occurred when Luna was banished for turning into Nightmare Moon, and that definitely helped them contextualize the concept as they had some education on the matter. 

After all of that was done I called for a ten minute recess so I could both get more info on what this mare was doing-slash-looking for, and so I could start to fix up the next lesson. I sat down behind the desk on a chair larger than Cheerilee's that I had made for myself, and picked up a math textbook to see where we were at. Of course, Thinking Brain wasted absolutely no time in trotting over to me. My gaze flickered up to the approaching mare. "So..."

She grimaced. "So." 

"What are your thoughts?"

Thinking Brain clicked her tongue and scanned her clipboard. "In all honest, Mr. TD, I'm not entirely convinced you belong here." She fixed me with a glare. "I mean really, do foals of their age need to hear about the deadliest war in your species' history?" 

"I learned about the civil war at that age," I replied evenly. "Besides, I left out the graphic details. I didn't exactly describe what a gun does now did I? Nor did I describe diseases. It was conceptual facts only."

Thinking Rain clicked her tongue and looked back down at her clipboard. "There is also the matter of the foals calling you 'TD' instead of 'Mr. TD.' I fail to see why that fosters respect from them."

I smirked and leaned back in my chair. "In my world, there's a book called To Kill a Mockingbird. In it, the father of the protagonist has his children call him by his first name as opposed to calling him 'Dad' or the like. When I read that, I thought that was so awesome that I wanted to implement it in my own classroom." I tapped my finger on the desk. "They're more willing to respect you if they know you're not going to patronize them."

"Nevertheless, it is highly informal for them to do so," Thinking Brain replied. "If I were you, I'd begin having them call you 'Mr. TD' instead. If you have a last name, all the better. They can call you 'Mr. whatever your last name is.'

"My last name is Powell." I wrinkled my nose. "But somehow 'Mr. Powell' is worse than 'Mr. TD.'" I scoffed and turned in my chair to look out the window where the foals were playing hide and go seek tag. "Besides that, they listen because I treat them as equals, not subordinates." 

"Ms. Cheerilee has them refer to her by the 'Ms.' prefix and they adore her," Thinking Brain retorted. "Professionalism is key in the classroom, even on that level. If you are going to continue teaching here I'd suggest you start implementing more professional standards."

Go to Tartarus, I thought. I figured that replying with that wouldn't be prudent so I replied with something more restrained. "I'll take that into consideration."

Thinking Brain pursed her lips but seemed to realize that she wasn't going to get anything better out of me so she returned to her Clipboard of Doom. "Moving on to our next topic: your qualifications. Do you have any at all?"

I nodded. "I completed three years at the college I attended back home. It's considered one of the best teaching schools in the country."

Despite herself, I could tell that Thinking Brain was slightly impressed by my admission. She jotted it down on the clipboard at any rate. "Your area of study?"

"Elementary education." 

"I see." Thinking Brain clicked her tongue and tapped her pencil on the clipboard. "Now then, clearly you have some experience in the area of teaching foals in your home world."

"Children," I corrected. 

"Whatever. Children. I must ask, though, what makes you qualified to teach the foals in Ponyville?" She motioned over to my lesson plans. "Do you have the ability to teach them Equestrian history? Are you aware of our scientific laws here, Mr. Powell? If so, can you teach them accurately?"

"If given time to prepare a lesson I believe that I could," I replied. 

"Belief and actual ability are vastly different," Thinking Brain snapped. "How about math? Can you teach math?"

I nodded. "Unless my two is your four, which it isn't, I can teach math to these students, yes. Same with grammar, reading, and writing."

"Mhm." Thinking Brain jotted that down on her clipboard. "So you have ability in teaching your culture, reading, writing, and arithmetic. On the flip-side, you have no experience with our history and culture and you may or may not be unaware of science. I don't suppose they have magic back in your world?"

I shook my head. "No. Not really, anyway. Cheerilee usually handles that kind of thing. I just come in for an hour or so and talk about my world."

"And what of days like today?" Thinking Brain put down her clipboard. "What of days when the entire structure of the classroom is entirely on your shoulders? Surely you don't presume to ignore science and history for the day; they most likely have tests coming up." Thinking Brain scoffed and picked her clipboard back up. "For today I suppose it is unavoidable. To find a substitute at this point in the day would be pointless. However, I fail to see any reason why something of this nature should be allowed to continue at all. Time you spend giving lectures about your barbaric world is time that could be spent learning things actually relevant to Equestrian society."

I glared at her and stood up in my chair. "Now wait jut a minute. Do you know how many of these kids got B pluses or above on their last round of tests?" I leaned on the desk and was almost nose-to-snout with the mare. "Ninety-five percent."

"The additional five percent clearly needed the time you took to brush up on their skills in the ares they failed to pass."

My eyes narrowed. "Those remaining two students got Bs."

"And I'm certain that they would have gotten As were it not for you taking time out of their day." Thinking Brain returned my glare and leaned forward herself. "Tell me: has their homework load increased since you came to town?"

"Hard to say since I wasn't here for the beginning of the year," I replied. "Having said that, it has increased a little because it's nearing the end of the year." 

"Or because the foals need to catch up on subjects they're unprepared for." Thinking Brain leaned back with a smug smile on her face. 

I leaned back and returned it with one of my own. "Prove it. We could ask Cheerilee, but she's out with the flu." 

Thinking Brain tightened her jaw. "Now you listen to me. Were you, say, doing a lecture circuit around Equestria where you went around to different schools and universities giving lessons on your world then there would be no issue. In fact, you would have the full support of the Equestrian Educational Society."

"Uh-huh," I deadpanned. 

"As it is," said Thinking Brain, ignoring my snide remark, "I see that you are somebody who is preventing the Ponyville foals from learning the important subjects." Thinking Brain picked up her clipboard and levitated it to a desk in the back room. "I will continue to observe you for the rest of the day. Should you prove a competent teacher in all regards then you will be given an official teaching license provided you take a few night classes to brush up on your Equestrian subjects. If not, you will be forbidden from teaching here again. Should you return to the school to teach you will be charged five hundred bits."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Seriously, dude? Don't you have better things to be doing with your time than picking on a teacher who is leading a class that is succeeding beautifully?"

"Those are the guidelines set by the Equestrian Educational Society," Thinking Brain replied snootily. "Should you fail to meet them then you cannot teach. It's as simple as that." 

My glare returned harder than ever. "If you think for one moment that--"

"We have nothing more to discuss. If you do not like the rules you may pack up and leave now and I'll teach the class for the day."

I tightened my jaw but didn't dare to say anything. Of course, there were a ton of things that I wanted to say. Stuff like "I'm the guy who punched Celestia in the jaw twice then got up and walked away." "I smashed a pie in Prince Blueblood's face." "As far as both Equestria and Earth are concerned, I'm the only being that has traveled across dimensions." but I realized that I was skating on thin ice here. Besides, the last thing that I wanted to do right now was get in a shouting match with this jerk in front of the kids. That would set a good example.

Anyway, the children filed back into the classroom and sat down at their desks, chattering away about whatever it was that they did at recess. I made eye contact with Thinking Brain and idly began tapping my middle finger on the desk just as I got class started. 


*  *  *  *


It was a disaster. 

It started well enough, of course. The next subject was math and I think they got the idea of multiplication by tens down well enough. Spelling and reading were pretty good too. Twist even got up in front of the class and read something that she wrote out loud to the class. Even Thinking Brain seemed to enjoy that. 

Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. 

I had to teach them history next, and I knew that Thinking Brain wasn't exactly going to let me teach American History. So, I had to read out of a history textbook that Cheerilee had in her desk, and that was all kinds of boring for everybody. I had no idea what a lot of it meant because I didn't know everything about their culture. So, whenever a kid asked me a question I basically had to reply with a shrug. 

Science lessons were even worse, particularly in the areas of magic. Of course that's what we had to be learning about that day. I had no idea how a unicorn horn works, and even after once again reading out of a textbook I had no clue. I suspect none of the kids did either, the non-magical users especially. 

Overall, when the bell rang everybody was happy to be out of there. It was definitely the worst lesson that I had ever had, and I couldn't until Cheerilee was back in action.

Of course Thinking Brain trotted up to me the second everybody was gone. Her clipboard was already back in her saddlebag which was not a good sign. With her nose slightly in the air, she addressed me. "Mr. Powell. I regret to inform you that you are not up to Equestrian Educational Society standards in regards to foal education in the main areas of study. Should you wish to pursue a teaching license or do a lecture circuit about your culture you are more than free to do that. You are not allowed to teach at Ponyville Elementary until such a time that you get a teaching license. That is all."

Without another word, Thinking Brain trotted out of the schoolhouse.
> Fight For My Right to Teach
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took a deep breath and walked up the road to Cheerilee's quaint little cottage about a quarter of a mile from the school. I glanced over at her garden which clearly had not been tended to in a little while as weeds had begun popping up amongst the flowers. I made a note to offer to help her get her garden back in shape once she was feeling up to it. 

I reached her door and put the box of crackers underneath my arm and adjusted the container of vegetable soup I was carrying, allowing me a free hand to knock on the door. 

"Come in," rasped a sickly voice from inside the cottage. Yeesh, Cheerilee had been hit even harder than I thought. 

I pushed the door to the cottage open and stepped inside. The first sight that greeted me was Cheerilee lying down on her little bed, everything from the neck down wrapped in a thick comforter. Her eyes were bloodshot and her mane was frazzled to the point where she looked like the bride of Frankenstein. She had one foreleg sticking out of her wrappings, and she was holding a copious amount of tissues in it. She smiled when she saw me come in. "Oh, hello, TD. How nice of you to drop--" 

Before she could finish her sentence, her body began convulsing with hacking coughs that had me flinching. It sounded like she was trying to pass a lung through her throat. She managed to get control and cleared her throat. "By."

I scoffed and put the soup and crackers on a nearby table. "I know it probably isn't the most acceptable thing to say to a mare, but you look terrible."

Cheerilee rolled her eyes and wiped her nose with a tissue. "As if you've never gotten a case of the flu."

I smirked and shook my head. "I didn't say that." I motioned over to the food I brought. "I hope you can keep this down."

Cheerilee weakly chuckled. "I should be able to. It's pretty light, isn't it?"

"Just vegetable soup and crackers," I confirmed. "On my world we eat chicken noodle soup when we have the flu, but I didn't think you'd care for that."

Cheerilee shuddered and shook her head. "I don't even understand how you could eat meat. I know I could never eat another living creature."

I flashed my canines and sat down at a chair next to the table. "It's in my blood, so to speak. You know I eat fish that I catch."

Cheerilee waved her hoof. "You gotta do what you gotta do, but I could never do it myself."

I shrugged. "If you were human and were aware of what bacon tasted like, you would not stick to a vegetable diet." 

Cheerilee rolled her eyes, but seemed to ignore the comment. "So, how was school today?" She grimaced and motioned over to a folder on the nightstand next to her bed. "I'm sorry that I forgot to get this to you, but..." She motioned to herself.

I took a deep breath and leaned back. "The... uh..." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "The school evaluator showed up today. She evaluated my teaching ability." 

Cheerilee's eyes widened, but she soon groaned and facehooved. "Please tell me it wasn't that plothead Thinking Brain."

I snorted. "Plothead. I'll have to remember that one next time I see her."

Cheerilee groaned again and shook her head. "Well, what did she say?"

The small smile that I had on my face slowly faded away to a rather blank look. "She said that I wasn't good enough to teach your students. If I try to go back to teach I get a five hundred bit fine. If I get a teaching license I can go back, but until then..." I spun my hand. "You know."

"Great," Cheerilee muttered. 

I grimaced and scratched the back of my neck. "I know I probably shouldn't ask, but how long does it take to get a teaching license around here?" 

Cheerilee sighed and motioned over to a diploma hanging up on the wall. "It took me three years to get that, and I did it in record time. Most teachers get theirs in four or five." Cheerilee weakly shrugged and resumed her coughing. 

"Well isn't that just ducky?" I stood up and walked over to the diploma. "Three years, huh?"

Cheerilee stopped her coughing and cleared her throat. "Given how much school you've completed, it might take you just one or two." 

"Is tuition expensive?" 

Cheerilee scoffed. "You have no idea. I finished school three years ago and I have a long way to go." 

"Wonderful." I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall. "Wonderful." 

Cheerilee cocked her head and shifted under her comforter. "Would you do it? Are you that devoted to teaching the foals?" Cheerilee coughed for a few seconds before continuing on. "Are you going to give up just because you've hit this roadblock?"

I opened my eyes and shot her a sidelong glance. "Well, I'm here for the rest of my life, aren't I? I can't just wash windows in Ponyville forever. If I need to work for..." I deeply exhaled. "Two or three years to gain the right to teach here then I think I will." 

"Well it's good to know that you aren't giving up." Cheerilee frowned and crossed her forelegs. "But what about tomorrow or the next day?" Cheerilee motioned to herself again. "I'm not going to be able to get out of bed."

I shrugged and walked back over to the chair. "Well, they'll probably get a substitute. Twilight maybe." 

Cheerilee clicked her tongue. "That's too bad. Twilight is good, but they have a nice rapport with you." 

"Yeah." I motioned over to the lesson plan on the nightstand. "Should I give that to Twilight for you, or at the very least ask if she's your replacement for tomorrow?" 

"If you want." Cheerilee reached over to the folder and nudged it closer. "Or..."

I frowned and cocked my head. "Or what?"

"Or you could teach the class tomorrow." 

"Uh..." I stood up and the faintest traces of a smile played at my lips. I walked over to the nightstand and picked up the folder. "I suppose that I could. In all honesty, I've been looking for an excuse to do that."

"Do you know how you're going to get past what Thinking Brain said? About how you can't teach anymore?"

My faint smile turned into a full blown one. "You know, I think I'll think of something." I opened up the folder and scanned the pages. I flipped a few aside and took a deep breath. "In all honesty, I think I'm going to do it as much as I want, Thinking Brain and the Equestrian Educational Society be darned. I'll still get that license, and I don't care how long it takes, but tomorrow I think that the kids need me. As you said, they have a good rapport with me, and I know that I love teaching them." 

Cheerilee weakly copied my smile. "Then I think that you know what you'll be doing tomorrow."

I nodded and closed the folder. "Yep. I think I know too." 


*  *  *  *


The next morning saw me, where else, standing in front of the room with the children talking animatedly about their recess time. They greeted me as they usually did. They had not been privy to the moment when Thinking Brain had told me that I couldn't teach there anymore, so they suspected nothing. Of course they were upset that Cheerilee was still sick, so I suggested that during art they make her 'get better' cards. 

I took the lesson plan folder out of my backpack and flipped it open to begin our science lesson. That was right when Thinking Brain walked in with Twilight right next to her. 

"Yes, Ms. Sparkle, I think that you will be a good substitute for Mr. Powell until Ms. Cheerilee gets better."

Twilight frowned and raised an eyebrow. She pointed a hoof at me. "You mean that Mr. Powell?"

Thinking Brain's turned her head and her eyes widened when they locked on to me. Her left eye twitched and her jaw nearly hit the floor. "Y-you!" 

I shrugged and motioned to myself. "Me."

Her shocked expression twisted into a glare, and she stomped towards me. "I think I made it quite clear that you are forbidden from teaching here anymore! You do not meet the qualifications set by the Equestrian--"

"Yeah, I don't care." I motioned over to the kids. "And they don't either. In fact..." I walked over to the desk and picked up the lesson plan. "Today I even came prepared." 

"That does not matter!" Thinking Brain snarled. "I have obtained the services of Ms. Sparkle who is far more qualified to teach than you are!"

Twilight flattened her ears and raised her hoof. "Uh, I don't actually have my teaching license. TD is more qualified to teach the foals than I am."

Thinking Brain harrumphed and stuck her nose in the air. "I'm afraid that is not true, Ms. Sparkle. You are the personal protégé of Princess Celestia herself."

"Okay." I slammed the folder down on the desk. "What is your problem with me? I get that you want qualified teachers, but I think that I fall under the category of competent substitute if nothing else." 

Thinking Brain's scowl deepened. "I am paid to make sure that all teachers and substitutes are competent. I do not believe that you are such."

"Are you paid to be such a plothead about it?" I snarked. 

Were she drinking, Thinking Brain would have done a magnificent spit-take. As it was the "ooooh"s from the children made it look like she was about to have a heart attack. Even Twilight looked like she wasn't sure whose side to be on, but I could see her bite her lip as if holding back a laugh. 

Thinking Brain was not so amused. 

"Now you listen to me," she said with as much venom as she could muster. "You have just proven yourself a brutish mongrel!" She motioned over to the students. "Is that the proper language to say in front of them?!"

I sighed and nodded. "Fair enough." I turned my head to the kids. "Kids, don't ever use that word, even if it completely describes ponies like her."

"Okay, TD," the class chanted back. 

I made a show of exhaling and wiping my brow. "Whew, crisis averted." 

I would go home and laugh for a good long while at the memory of seeing her face after that, but seeing it up close was just as good. 

"You... you are a disgrace to the name of teaching!" she squawked. "You will certainly be paying that five hundred bit fine!"

"Yeah, about that." I reached inside my backpack and took out a large bag. I threw it at her hooves and crossed my arms. "Five hundred bits." I motioned to the bag. "Count it if you don't believe me." Thinking Brain just stared wide-eyed and open jawed at the bag as if doubting its existence. "Now, as I recall, you said that if I taught again that would cost me five hundred bits. However, you didn't say that I had to stop teaching once the fine was paid." I raised an arm and pointed at the door. "So if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get class started." 

Thinking Brain looked up from the bag, glaring daggers at me. "You have no idea who you're dealing with, do you? Teaching without a license and disrespecting authority could land you in jail if you're not careful." Thinking Brain snatched the bag of bits off of the ground and shoved them onto her bag. "I will be suggesting full punishment for such unspeakable disrespect."

Okay, it was time to take the kid's gloves off. I stomped up to her and leaned forward until we here nose-to-snout. "No, you don't know who you're dealing with! You are so firmly entrenched in my bad side that you had better choose your next words very carefully! Do you know what happened to the last pony who was on my bad side to the extent that you are now? I punched her in the face!"

"Proving that you are a barbarian!" Thinking Brain retorted. 

"Oh let me finish you prude. Do you know who that pony was?! Princess. Freaking. Celestia!" 

The atmosphere seemed to be sucked out of the room all on account of Thinking Brain. Her jaw dropped again and she took a step backwards. "Y-you're lying. You wouldn't dare punch Princess Celestia!"

"He actually did," Twilight muttered. 

I smirked and held up two fingers. "Twice, actually. Not only that, but I smashed a pie in Prince Blueblood's face, and had Princess Luna snap my spine over the back of a chair." I pointed at Twilight. "The first time I punched Celestia, Twilight smashed me through five walls after the Elements of Loyalty and Honesty smashed their hind legs into my legs." My eyes narrowed and I leaned in even more. "And I just got up and walked away." 

"Y-you're lying!" Thinking Brain whispered. 

"Trust me, he's not lying," said Twilight. She weakly chuckled and cleared her throat. "I might have lost my temper a bit when I saw him hit Princess Celestia." 

"Oh," said Thinking Brain weakly. 

"Now." I straightened back up and folded my arms. "Celestia owes me so many favors that I could probably take your job away from you." I motioned back to the students. "But I'm perfectly content just teaching them for a few days while Cheerilee gets back on her hooves. If you try to stop me, I'll call in one of those favors." I pointed to the door. "Or you could just get the heck out of here and let me start the day." 

Thinking Brain could only blink for a full minute. She seemed to have lost all power of speech at any rate. I had to point to the door again before she regained rational thought and trotted out of the door. Twilight weakly chuckled and scratched the back of her neck. "Well, TD. Have a good day, I guess." 

I smiled at her. "You too, Twilight." With that, Twilight walked out the door. 

I took a deep breath and turned back to the class, all of whom were staring wide-eyed at me, but their mouths were twisted into huge smiles. I returned their smiles and leaned against the chalkboard. 

"And that, children, is today's lesson on how to defy authority."