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Is the new chapter 173 named wrong or is 172 missing?
8997385
My b
Another brilliant chapter! Really can’t wait to get to Aqua/Nav confrontation, especially the coma plotline!
Rant: if you are fine with recent chapters, keep scrolling.
You made a great story, especially with all this worldbuilding but in the last 20 or so chapters all the fun in anticipating how the story will go has been sucked out of it. What fun is there in learning about this Equestria when you make up a structure and then toss out whatever rules you don't like when they become inconvenient?
It wasn't bad earlier, mostly just Nav's tree abilities on a randomizer for any given transformation. This started getting more obvious to me around chapter 152-153. Originally, Nav didn't sleep in the summer and then rose and fell with the sun during fall and winter. That was set in stone, with Nav having to keep a unicorn on hand to stay awake with spells or Flo. Then it suddenly disappears, and hope nobody notices so that Nav can go out on the town with Blossom and then more importantly Gourd can get his contract. That scene was nuts by itself, not even a normal person should not be able to keep up with that kind of alcohol and physical abuse.
And then back again from inexplicably having summer endurance, Nav is on a normal day-night sleeping schedule until the scene where Kat wakes him up. That's been tried by multiple characters before, with no success, but now? Anyway, sleeping is not the end of the world but it just keeps getting worse.
Celestia had communication with Luna on lockdown - absolutely nobody had access from Reginald to Shiny to Cadance but suddenly Blossom gets a private audience. And for what? Celestia spills the beans about Luna's abdication herself a couple chapters later.
In context, Blaze was a ridiculously untrustworthy elemental with no positive aspects, but Nav says "sure, you can hop into my brain" because he has to be transported to Iceland.
Brook tells Nav that she can't refuse his orders, but she refused the first order he gave her: heal Spike.
Then, back from Iceland Nav needs to get his wings fixed. He's got the two fire elementals that can do it in a jiffy, they owe him, and he doesn't bother asking. Does the transformation need to be on rails that badly?
Nav watches Silver quill get set up for a rape right in front of him. How many times has Nav been raped? No sensitivity, just man up and walk it off. Hooray, she's maybe a bit more assertive?
Nav makes less than no effort to hide his planning treason, talking about it in the palace itself, in Canterlot with the ever-present paparazzi and royal guard stalkers,, etc. Celestia the master manipulator of Canterlot politics doesn't catch a whiff, so that Aqua can make a gloating oneliner?
Elemental abilities and inabilities are on musical chairs chapter by chapter these days. Aqua has, like, umpteen powers that Flo did not have and does not offer any of the AI critical thinking like Flo. Most egregious, her brain slug form now has full mobility that was missing back in Trixie's dimension. Puppeteering without an eye tell too, but that's never been particularly consistent.
And then there's this chapter. Nav and Twilight are being shits to each other as usual, but then Nav goes and decides he can totally handle looking for food as a changeling in Gryphus with no support. WTF? Chrysalis herself abandoned the whole kingdom because it was too hard to feed on. They just came off of a multimillenial war of attrition with the changeling race, so of course they're going to be at DEFCON 1 during this fertility festival. He does not know how to feed on an uncooperative victim. The very instant he tries they will notice and retaliate murderously 'cause he can't hypnotize them like a vampire. This had a 100% chance of failure from the get go and is outright suicidal.
Worse, he would normally run on 2/3 changeling powers but he's handicapped further to 1/3 because the ability to see emotions throws a wrench in Cadance's interrogation.
And why are they even there? Just a few days ago, they were up to their horns in governing work staying on top of the nobles and couldn't spare 20 straight minutes for Nav. Nav vetoed Cadance for the de-aged Celestia crisis because she didn't have time even more recently. Now she inexplicably has _days_ off for a vacation?
They had just figured out a working system for themselves, having fun experimenting and were closer than ever. They inexplicably decide to spend their vacation looking for a third wheel in the bedroom? Furthermore, Shiny and Cadance are imperial visitors; why is Nav accosted with no other guards in the vicinity? They're in a hotel and not the palace? They are not incognito, nearly all the gryphons should recognize them by now.
Nav here has a tiny handful of morals left, and whenever they get challenged in the story he gets outright irrational. See: the scene with Fleur, when Gilda dies, etc. He's then breaks the no married couples rule just to spite Aqua.
You're gonna force all this nonsense to deliver what amounts to a fetish oneshot and watch the fireworks? This has stopped being the DoaM I subscribed to.
8997451
I know, I'm sooo tired of Aqua..
I hope that whatever happens to her is on par with how much I want her to slowly boil or something.
Screaming at the window. Watch me die another day.
Okay I gotta say.. I really like your original course of actions way more than what we got now. Thanks for including it.
8997532
This is literally every problem I’ve been having with the story as of late.
Because Aqua is the only part that can be rectified at this point, WHATMUSTIDO, give me a number. How many more chapters until Aqua is removed from Nav. I want this story to get back on track, it can’t go back to being good if Aqua and the rest of these issues keep going on
I’ve been reading this story for FIVE YEARS, and the only issues I’ve had with it have cropped up in the past 14 months. I’ve been hooked too long for it to continue destroying years of the most impressive world building on this site
8997532
I'd have to agree with your view on this chapter, and as far as previous chapters I have kind of felt like Nav is becoming more plot device than consistent character. I'm not expecting zero plot holes from a fanfic but as a reader it does jump all over the place in regards to powers, how badass a character is going to be in a given chapter, or if an arc is going to feel like mostly filler before something happens.
cant wait until aqua gets shoved into a microwave, loving the story so far
8997532
You forgot the fact nav said gwhen you have as few morals as me those you have you cling hard to" and that marrige "sex" was one thing he dosent tolerate from anyone
8997556
The thing that anoys me is not tha the aqua thing happened but its taking so long
To imagine, the ending could have been even shittier, judging by the paste.
*applause*
Y'know, it'd be so satisfying if Flo meets up with Nav and gradually notices the change of personality Aqua may force on him when they return to Canterlot and jumps into Navs mind to force her out so Nav could finally go against Aqua. Too bad that isn't likely to happen though.
Also, the unused ending is superior. Shiny is just not a dom, mate. Hard to see him come out with the dirty talk and acting like a man when everyone knows he takes a strapon from his wife like a bitch.
This should not be here.
I actually like both of those endings equally. Which says a lot about the alternate ending, since I am not really a fan of Achillean love. But I really enjoyed that ending.
You made me this way.
~KBO.
Its like Discord is 4th walling the author just to screw with the readers. After all, with even minor setup, given what he has done canon in show, there is absolutely nothing that can be done against him.
The only reason anyone ever manages to so call win against Discord, is because he lets them.
When Cadance revealed she knows how to do body swaps now, I was hoping she'd go overboard and force one on Nav...which would finally give them the chance to spill the beans on Aqua, since presumably a body swap wouldn't transfer her nanites along with it. Granted it would have left whoever swapped into Nav's body effectively Aqua's hostage, but the beans would be spilled and, assuming her saying she couldn't spread herself any thinner by taking over any more ponies was the truth, Nav would have had allies not directly under Aqua's control able to help.
8997532
There's a lot to this, so I'm going to try to take it as point by point as I can.
In the case of the coming out party (which is what I think you mean with Blossom), they got back just as the sun was setting. In the case of Gourd, I thought for sure I had a throwaway line in there about Taya giving him energy, but I'm not seeing it. That'll be something I add.
We know that Nav woke up with Kat right in his face and with her paws on him. We don't know what she did while Nav was still asleep. She may have woken him up the hard way. He wasn't really in a position to ask.
Reginald was super pissed when he went to ask Celestia where Luna was, so of course Celestia wouldn't tell him. She was worried that he might do something rash. Allowing the captain of the guard to see Luna verifies that Luna is still alive and allows Blossom to learn a few more things about the situation, helping pacify her growing anger at where Luna went. Celestia was hoping that Blossom would be more loyal to Luna, but it ended up not working out in Celestia's favor.
What about Blaze was untrustworthy? Sure, Nav didn't know him for very long, but he knew Flo even less when he agreed to take her in him. Nav accepted Blaze's (very temporary) help for several reasons. First, for easier communication with Canterlot, since dream-talking isn't always reliable. Second, to see if Blaze was trustworthy (of course, there are better ways to do this, but Nav was kinda in a hurry). Third, because Nav knew he was about to be around a bunch of unpredictable dragons and having someone in his head who could help him use his new body would be very useful (of course, Blaze ended up being mostly out of commission when Nav actually needed his help). Fourth, so someone would be able to find him if Nav happened to get imprisoned. Aerie was Nav's insurance that Blaze wouldn't overstay his welcome or do anything untoward. Aerie may be an airheaded bitch, but she has always given the impression that she's loyal to Nav and doesn't want him harmed or abused in any way, especially by another elemental (she's not gonna be happy when she finds out that she was the cause of Aqua taking Nav over).
She did heal Spike. She just tricked Nav into thinking he had to give something up first because she's a bitch and wanted to establish dominance quickly. That's definitely something I should have done better, though. If you notice (or have noticed) any other inconsistencies like that, let me know.
The two fire elementals can do it quickly if they were locked in lava. He doesn't know how long it would take them when they're not in lava. He knows it would be quick, but he isn't sure if quick means hours, days, or weeks. After all, wings are very delicate and have a lot of small parts. Rebuilding them from scratch wouldn't be simple. I'm strongly considering having him get all the parts of his body chopped off that he doesn't like when he goes into the coma so he can't get healed while he's not doing anything anyway.
Silver being uncomfortable isn't the same as Silver being set up for rape. Silver being on an unwanted date isn't the same as Silver being set up for rape. I'll admit that I should have written this better, but I can understand that Nav wouldn't necessarily assume that Silver's reluctance to kiss in public and the nervousness on her first date since a bunch of awful shit happened to her meant that Silver wasn't willing to be there or that she would be completely unable to say no or stop a pegasus from doing anything to her when she has magic with which to defend herself. I'll definitely take partial blame for this one because I shouldn't have made it as bad as it was, but I still don't think Nav would have or even should have immediately jumped in to save her. He still shouldn't have just walked away, but he's kind of an asshole.
This was going to be explained later, so I'll hide it for the sake of everyone else: Discord is stopping Celestia from using magic to eavesdrop on Nav. That said, Nav definitely shouldn't have been doing it, but he's always had a problem with running his mouth. Celestia knew that something was up, which is a good part of why she was planning on dealing with Nav. She didn't have all the details of what Nav was planning, which is why she was going to wait until the Elements of Harmony were gathered and why she was so surprised when Aqua told her that she would have been clobbered.
This was partially explained this chapter. Aqua put a lot more of herself than normal in both Celestia and Nav since neither of them are her willing hosts. This way, she can more easily keep them under control. It also allows her to do something like jumping from one host to another in the event that anyone ever discovers the fact that she's in either, so she can wipe the discovery from the mind of whoever did it. At some point, I'm going to stop being a lazy piece of shit and put all the elemental abilities in the character guide. Also, the blue eyes only occur when the elemental wants them to OR when the elemental takes full control of someone. For the most part, Aqua has only taken over certain parts of Nav and she's been doing so as stealthily as possible.
He has Twilight's escape spell and he has Aqua (much good she does him). Another point to consider is just how often Nav bites off more than he can chew (like the dragon chapters, the naga chapters, both sets of Egypt chapters, helping Spike at the migration, getting Moonie to eat so much of his emotions, etc). How many horrific messes has he gotten himself into by either being overconfident, spiteful, or arrogant?
That's not entirely true. Nav knows that Chrysalis still had spies in the griffin kingdom up until the war was over, because Doppel's mentioned working there in the past. That said, her mention of the place involved watching another changeling get boiled alive, but Nav was hoping the worst case scenario was getting booted from the city.
He's fed on lust from the tap before, with Twilight. In a huge festival full of weird and kinky sex, he was hoping he could find a few griffins to bone and then feed on them while they were going at it. He figured they would be so engrossed in the sex that they wouldn't notice a little bit of feeding, especially if they weren't expecting it and had never felt it before (since most people haven't). He was hoping with Aqua's help, he wouldn't have issues getting it without the other person noticing.
Nobody ever actually asked them if they were busy or not, they just assumed. And they didn't say how long they were there (it hasn't been long, and they weren't planning on staying much longer). I was actually going to explain this next chapter, when Nav goes to demand an apology in her dreams.
A third wheel is experimenting. They've never tried it before and wanted to (in fact, they wanted to try it a long time ago, but Nav kept refusing).
If they were there as official visitors, sure. This is another thing that's going to be explained when Nav shows up in her dream, but in short, they didn't tell anyone in the griffin royal palace that they were coming and they didn't break any guards. They just kinda showed up after making sure everything in their own kingdom was set on autopilot for a little while.
Personally, I wouldn't recognize the leader of Canada if I just saw him walking down the street. He may be the ruler of another country that's right next to mine, but that doesn't mean I'd recognize him if I just saw him randomly. They'd definitely recognize an alicorn when they saw one, but given how often Twilicorn gets disrespect in the show, alicornism doesn't really amount to much. Especially in a country that doesn't really care too much for ponies to begin with.
What makes you think the fireworks are over? When Nav said she was going to drink this memory away, she meant it. And she's gonna end up being a pretty angry drunk, though the drunkenness will be gone by the time she actually gets to confront Cadance.
And of course, there are going to be several outcomes of this, both good and bad. I didn't do it just to write the sex (which I've honestly kinda stopped enjoying, regardless). I had a reason.
I'm not sure if you're in here or not, but here's the link to the story's discord chat thing if you want to speak to me live: https://discordapp.com/invite/ZxvNcXn
If not, feel free to ask more questions or post more criticism. A lot of what you said is valid, but most of the things have reasons behind them.
Aqua is going to die horribly, and that's what's going to push me to continue reading.
The best part isn't gonna be her death for me though, oh no, its going to be how accepting Nav is of the shit he wouldn't allow to happen for the longest time, and the realization he himself was not in complete control by those who pushed him despite knowing his opinions.
Yes, they're not at fault, but from that point on, they're going to care more about his arrogant pride that they never understood before, more so than their own wishes for how they wish he'd be.
And its going to be mother fucking cathartic. I love it when things the ponies don't understand about humanity slap them so hard they either understand or accept it.
8997626
I don't have an actual number of chapters, but it'll be the end of the bunker arc. I still don't see why people dislike her so much. It's not like anyone ever thought she'd be permanent. Now we just get to see her get her comeuppance.
8998026
Fixed.
8998210
“You have defiled the one thing I hold sacrosanct. The one place I allowno one. You have until the count of three to leave, or we’ll find out what happens when you die in a dream.” -Navarone, ch 79
Its because we believe in this, I tolerated Flo, because it was consented to, but being held hostage in your own head is utterly horrifying. Death would be preferable.
8997083
Open a portal. Walk through it. Not that hard.
8998193
I'm still hoping she gets dropped into the volcano she keeps harping about. That might be a little out of Nav's way though so I'd settle for a dragonfire shower from Spike.
I preferred the alt ending honestly.
Im genuinely wondering at this point if discords kill phrase from the opening would actually just erase nav, or erase the current body now, and then she gets rezzed by the seed
8996785
who said Nav was intelligent
8998169
Thanks, I prefer the comment section as it is easier to organize my thoughts and for fact checking. I'm happy to engage you over this, but you do not need to put effort in on my behalf if you don't want to; this is the last chapter for me. In any case, I cannot accept many of these explanations.
To start, I was referring to the aftermath of the second sex scene with Fleur. It's already night time at that point, as Blossom would not have otherwise arrived and they go on a walk through Canterlot even later afterwards. With Kat, you've established no "hard way" to wake up Nav. Multiple characters have tried, with the only working methods being unicorn magic or an elemental. Otherwise, at nightfall Nav loses consciousness and sleeps like the dead.
A major component of the problem between Blossom and Luna is that Celestia gives them privacy, despite obviously not trusting either Luna or Blossom to have a kosher talk. I recognize that she wants to prove Luna is alive but she's been dealing with the Guards Captain interrogating Luna already for a while and would have the sense to give Blossom the mirror and say "here's Luna, you can talk and I will glare at you from over here." The other part is that ultimately this lapse has no meaning, Celestia just becomes stupid so Luna can make a discovery that was possible a dozen other ways (call me on this if you want) and the result is revealed again the very next chapter.
As far as Blaze, I know that we discussed this earlier, but he was untrustworthy because Nav didn't know anything about him except that he's an asshole, mistrustful of Waters (so his comments on them are colored), exceptionally violent and didn't mind playing god with no regard for those he's playing god to. Half a previous chapter was spent discussing harsh lessons learned from hosting an elemental that you know nothing about. Aerie has not proven to be particularly loyal to Nav: Flo's warning that she's capricious and unreliable was proven accurate over and over again as Aerie agrees to help as often as she refuses or does things for her own reasons and Air history. I recognize that the others are apparent afterwards, but they aren't in context. Nav was going with powerful support and capable communication already: the other water elementals, their hosts, Reginald and Spike. At that point dreamwalking is just a backup (only later to find that the support was useless so it must be invoked).
With Brook, I can't see how it counts if she can wish-wash her way around any order with "OK, but I'll just do it later" or retort with conditions.
With the two fire elementals, Nav was already planning an extended stay in Canterlot (which is accessible to nonfliers) and he was all but grounded by that point anyway. There are options for empowering them, like magic fire or whatever but my point is that he doesn't even consider trying.
With Silver Quill, that was an overly short summary on my part. The context is a match for the previous scene with Rarity. Nav doesn't need to assume rape, but would be immediately aware that she's trapped and intervene, recognizing that she's too weak to help herself. She is a crew member and Nav abandons her once and again.
>Discord-ex-machina. This is offensive. You can pull that when Flo inhabits Chrysalis' mind and fails to discover her planned betrayal but not here. The first thing he says to Cadance is to keep all discussion out of the waking world where Celestia has spies. Then he proceeds to recruit everyone except Luna in the most easy to eavesdrop on situations. Watcher is the only one that takes the initiative to protect against this and does so without a prompt. Nav doesn't run his mouth (except inexplicably to the barkeep in the last chapter); he keeps the most critical secrets with the tightest of lips even from his most trusted allies and only spills if strongarmed, drugged or with a plainly apparent advantage to be gained. You just offer how Nav doesn't get caught, but not why he senselessly puts his most needed allies at the greatest of risk. In the end, it does not matter if Celestia confirms that he's planning treason because the core of the plan hinges on her not anticipating the co-conspirators. Nav's immunity comes from her total dependence on him for her singular hope in saving her little ponies from Discord: the Elements.
Aqua's first puppteering of Celestia was total and without an eye tell but meh.
The difference between this situation and all the ones you listed is that Nav already has nearly all the information he needs beforehand. Griffins being too hard to feed on seems like the safest of assumptions to me. We know that before the love poison, acquiring food for her hives was basically Chrysalis's top priority and often more than she could do. A trained spy can sustain themselves with skill but why would she abandon her hives in Gryphonia besides that they were unsustainable in the face of gryphon aggression? Gryphons hate, hate, hate changelings so Nav can't rely on the rule of (a notably unpopular and recent) law to protect him against murder or worse. I still don't see from your comment any way for Nav to feed undetected which is the big hole. Nav's supposed to favor all that risk with the only fallback being (a teleport into an empty, gryphon owned hotel room) over a willing food source literally right in front of him?
Cadance and Shiny are already there over the course of two days, and Cadance herself was the one to describe her workload and strategy of managing the stress of her court's constant maintenance. Furthermore, their relationship is canonically defined by love, loyalty, trust, mutual respect and other such family values. I get that corruption is fun, and thus they are prime cuckbait/humiliation plotless fetish oneshot targets on FimFiction but that's not what this story was. There are many more plausible experiments (some already picked) but they do not involve Nav or strangers so we would tend not to hear about them. Twilight's transformation from a sheltered bookworm into a mean slut took place over a hundred chapters. You've not established anything approaching that for what happens here. The other things I just don't want to go over again.
8989847
if it doesnt come from rubber trees then its a petroleum base. are you saying equestria has oil? somebody call america.
Hey, the Discord (site) link kinda expired, might wanna make a new one. I'm super interested in joining it.
8998210
i think its more on the lines that humans in general dont like reading about possible mind manipulation and possibly being erased.. alot of people reading this story will take similarity with nav and attach it to themselves to make the story more relatable. having aqua makes people uneasy about themselves and about the story. flo was fun to have around because she was kind of a wanker, but did not have the threat of having your mind melted at any given moment. with aqua even tho people know she will get fucked in the bunker,* its really a no brainer* it still makes people feel uneasy with the interactions with nav and her, because in the back of there mine; people still have a small belief that nav WILL fail and die down there.
8998210
My main problem with her is the story has gotten painful to read since she enslaved Nav. Griffin fuckfeat beside, I’ve found myself reduced to skimming chapters for good bits. Like, for every chapter I can hope for maybe a couple good paragraphs where I can forget about Aqua and all the dumb shit going on outside of said situation.
Should have turned into Twilight...
Murphy
8999414
Imagine how it is to have her in your head... This is it.
Slogging through these last few chapters like
media.tenor.com/images/bcdbca0c0cd562f72ac2bf713f73192a/tenor.gif
media.tenor.com/images/7183ead0a14d77d109a30fa6f56a21e0/tenor.gif
thumbs.gfycat.com/ClumsyBowedHind-max-1mb.gif
>>>Aqua opens her cockholster
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/319/984/2e8.gif
8998956
check chemistry.
alot of plastics, including silicone and PET (stuff that comprises plastic bottles and shock resistant windows) can be made without use of mineral oil at all, it is multistep production anyway. Simplest rubbers weren't made of latex or mineral oil as well, they were made of herbal oil. Ebonite, for example ( yes, it's "hard" rubber).
Herbsl oils and fiber are excellent base of chemical production, cellulose, rape oil, clove oil and sunflower oil are on top of that list.
I used to jump at update notifications to this story and aggressively clear out my schedule but, ever since this whole Aqua arc started, I've been feeling less and less enthusiastic.
To be honest, it doesn't bode well for how far it's fallen that the update arrived yesterday and I'm still waffling over whether I should read this, try something off the pile of Harry Potter fics I searched up a few days ago, or get back to playing Owlboy or Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles.
(Typically, 15K words would have me jumping for joy. Right now, because I habitually flush out all my fimfic bookmarks rather than trying to remember which ones I actually intended to create, it feels more like a disincentive to see a Diaries chapter that long when I could be binging more of the 750kword Harry Potter fic I started yesterday (and know I've been enjoying) or getting back to a well-done platformer.)
Lotsa complaining in the comments, I see.
Personally I like the whole thing with Nav and Aqua. My only complaint is the "You'll be the gender you aren't and like it because I tell you to" is a liiiiiiittle too close to home, you dig? But that's just a Me thing and I don't think really applies to most people.
I've decided that I'm time skipping most of the next day, because most people don't seem to like the festival and it's not nearly as much fun to write as I was hoping it would be. The days after that are actually semi-important, story-wise, and one of them is actually already almost completely written. So at this point, the schedule for the upcoming days is going to be something like this:
Day four: Original Gilda (mostly time-skipped, gonna involve some dream stuff instead)
Day five: Princess Gilda (thirty-four thousand words and almost completely done, woo)
Day six: Talks with royalty and some fallout from day five
Day seven: Bunker briefing, maybe a small bit with the festival, then leaving Gryphus for the bunker
8999145
https://discord.gg/fyynyfQ
8998624
It was never stated whether Celestia gave them privacy or not, but that's a minor point.
Every time Nav's life was in danger and Aerie was the only one there to help him, she did (which has only happened once, I think, against Miguel). She's also done as he asked in several other instances, though Nav usually has to make it worth her while. Generally, she'll only refuse to help if the end result would be amusing for her, but I can't think of any instances in which she either said she would help and then didn't or said she could help but wouldn't. Every time Nav has asked her to do something and she agreed to do it, she did it. And Flo also has a biased view of air elementals anyway, so her word might not be reliable.
At the time, the only person Spike could communicate with was Celestia. If Nav needed to get in contact with his crew and he couldn't find the elementals, he'd be SOL. The other elementals also weren't in Nav, which makes a large difference. They could help him if they were around, but there's nothing like having one in your head when you need it.
It's something he's mentioned considering doing on more than one occasion, but he knew the trip to Gryphus was coming up, followed immediately by the trip to the bunker. He wanted to have his wings available for those two. After that, he was going to consider it more strongly and possibly start making plans to have it done, especially during the coma. He mentioned it in 164.
That one is on me. I totally forgot that when a changeling feeds, you can actually see it (according to the royal wedding episode, at least). I don't know why, but I kept thinking it was something invisible. If that had been the case, most griffins wouldn't have ever been fed on, so they wouldn't know the feeling when it happened. But since it's something you can see, that's definitely a problem, unless there's actually a way to do it invisibly. It's been way too long since I've actually watched any of the show, so that detail completely slipped me by.
It's a fairly decent fallback when said hotel room is private. Once Nav reappears in the room, all he has to do is keep the door locked and no one would ever know he was there.
All Nav knows at this point is that they had a hotel room. He has no idea how long they've been there or how long they'll continue being there.
Nav also hasn't been involved in every aspect of their marriage. He's given them advice and he's listened to some of Cadance's gripes, but he's not incredibly involved.
I'd also like to point out that a lot of these same issues are the exact reasons (or close to the exact reasons) that Aqua thought that Nav needed guidance. She honestly isn't wrong, even if she's being a complete bitch about it. Something to consider is that Nav is not mentally sound. He's been through a ton of ridiculously traumatic shit and is making some very unwise decisions because of it.
That said, it's unfair to blame a character for bad writing (or something like that), and I'm afraid that some of these things are just that. I'm not going to deny that I've made plenty of mistakes while writing this story. A good part of why I'm still writing this instead of working on something else is because I want more experience, so I know what to avoid in the future when I actually try to write something real (and trust me when I say that anything I write after this is going to be so much better). I also know that I'm going to keep making mistakes as I try to get better. A good number of the things you've said are accurate, unfortunately. The only way to go back and fix them at this point would involve a good chunk of rewriting.
You’re doing a great job at making Aqua so detestable.
*skims comments*
... A really... really good job, in fact...
I still would've preferred a slight rewrite of the alternate ending, but eh.
Either way seems like it was all a pretty big mistake that should end up as a bit of a red mark on their friendship.
Even though it seems slightly in-character for Nav to agree, it was kinda a lose-lose scenario no matter who won anyway.
9000089
Aww, you're time skipping OG Gilda's chapter? I was looking forward to that one.
8999862
TIL. Well sort of, I know its possible to make rubbers out of other oils but i thought it required some advanced distillation technology. Like pyrolyse ovens and the like. I mean you could always say "magic" but just because you "Can" make silicone out of rapeseed oil, Doesnt mean you have the technology. Technically speaking you could make anything out of anything. You can turn oxygen into gold, or similar. Doesnt mean its possible given their technology.
9000171
There's a difference between writing a detestable character and writing that saps the appeal out of the reading itself. If it were merely that Aqua were detestable, I'd still be eagerly consuming each new chapter, savouring the build-up to a satisfying fall.
This just feels like a mix of dull (the festival) and actively unappealing (the degree to which Aqua is violating the "sanctity of the character's mind"). (The only thing I find less appealing is full-blown mind-control/personality modification because it ruins my ability to maintain a mental model of the character.)
9000367
The festival is actually pretty good in terms of world building. Overall i had a bit of a good time.
9000302
sort of. But that particular one might go with proper materials as reaction catalysts to make methyl chloride, dimethyldichlorosilane (copper, I think?), hydrochloric acid and ammonium if you go with condensation curing. Silicone isn't even organic. Magic may be useful for refining catalysts..or slanting reaction. :P
9000375
Normally, I might agree. The problem is that everything is relative and, within the larger context, the festival feels like it's keeping me from what the rest of the story primed me to care about.
I also have trouble establishing the mindstate which would normally allow me to enjoy the festival when Aqua keeps looming in the back of my awareness.
TL;DR: For multiple reasons, the festival feels like filler when it shouldn't.
Now that's just fucking nasty
what about morning breath?
That's not so different than Flo Aqua
Yes, feed them some communist propaganda and overthrow the dirty capitalists
Thank you, fuck the dumb imperial system
So is Shining Bi now? Is Nav going to ass fuck him?
yes
I'm really hoping that we can get quickly into action. I'm fairly certain that most readers already think that all these sex scenes are getting very dull. In addition, I'm looking forward to Aqua getting ass fucked because I can't stand seeing our Mary Sue protagonist being so submissive. I mean it also cuts out the random funny shit Nav gets himself into. With Flo, it was much better as she at least gave Nav some freedom of thought and expression, but with Aqua here she acts like a complete bitch and denies any fun for both the reader and Nav
9000089
>Aerie
Ok, I see now where you're coming from with this. I was paying more attention to the things she does, which is to generally tend to favor being a nuisance to Nav over helping and simple refusals. You are right that she is reliable in terms of not breaking promises.
>there's nothing like having one in your head when you need it.
Again in context it seemed totally unnecessary given the downside of Nav's need to keep secrets from Blaze and his aforementioned aspects that make him a poor choice to host. If I were to suggest, it would be to foreshadow the danger of Iceland. At that point in the story, the only possible threat seemed to come from going there as a non-dragon; it wasn't until they left on the trip that Reginald even started dropping hints. Before that, Reginald had implied protection to Nav and all those other options were around to cover gaps.
There is the problem of Nav learning about the existence and nature of the threat while he still had the chance to not bring Spike; I don't see any immediate solutions to that other than Reginald being annoyingly cryptic.
>the wings
I guess a lot of my problem with this comes from expectations that don't match yours for how quickly a pair of fire elementals can replace Nav's wings. If you say a week and change is not long enough, it's not long enough.
>feeding
I had been assuming in your story as well that feeding was invisible except for a standard horn aura as a break from canon. SA's glowing eyes were from a mind control spell I thought, though it is somewhat ambigious. There is a vapor effect for feeding in the comics and S6 finale, but you said you didn't read/watch those. However, you had portrayed it as a unique and sharp sensation, strong enough to always be instantly noticeable; even if they had not felt it, it would be as public knowledge as (to pull an example out of my ass) stinging nettles are to us. Not that you'd know before hand but that it's intuitable.
>the teleport fallback
Nav has said time and again since Egypt that he prefers to avoid getting into risky situations. And he's lazy and this is supposed to be a vacation. I maintain that he still has a 100% chance of being caught and at best be forced to hide in a hotel room for the rest of the day. Or, behind door A he can poke fun at Twilight for geeking out over a library while not depending on Aqua for anything.
>He has no idea how long they've been there
The powerlevels you've established are such that Cadance would not want to teleport in, and that the crystal empire is close to a day away otherwise. That's more vacation than Celestia's taken without continuing to govern remotely and Cadance laid down all the comments and actions to suggest she has a comparable workload.
>Aqua on Nav's guidance
I did not get that impression and thought it was because of Nav's tendency to solve problems by committing atrocities until the resistance stops.
>Nav also hasn't been involved in every aspect of their marriage
I'm running out of ways to repeat myself, so I'll be as direct as possible. That is irrelevant because Cadance and Shining Armor are not your OCs. All aspects of their characterization, including their relationship approach, that you don't establish in the story are derived from the S2 and S3 episodes. That is why the kind of scene in this chapter is A-OK in a oneshot (canon template, then immediately deviate because that's the point) but bad writing here because you don't bridge why they would search for strangers to fuck in Gryphus and then twist Nav's arm into re-attempting something Cadance regretted and Shiny never showed genuine interest in nor the way in which Nav gets to them.
For most of those aspects, you had even stayed close to their original characterizations before this chapter. Then you decided that you were going to have this scene with these characters and it did not matter how little of it made sense. That is bad writing and I don't trust you not to do it again because frankly it's fine if you do. Most commentors are all for it, they only don't like Aqua which is her purpose.
The other stuff before this chapter was just lazy writing, not worth ranting over. It is fanfiction after all, we do not expect no plot holes and even for a serious work something at this scale could not be entirely consistent if you paid a professional editor a fortune to make it so. I opted not to bring these up earlier because being that guy that calls you out with "no, write it properly" is just rude when it's not like you were realistically going to for most of them but I ran out of fucks to give.
Welll.......that just happened. Lol!!!