TWhylight
Joined 22nd Aug, 2012 ·
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Wow, this is intense. I am intrigued as to what may come next.
d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/cm-51328-05127007367d1e.gif
But seriously, the awesome writing and concept have me interested.
I think I've seen the concept used before, but I still like what you've done so far.
The clop came (lol) in swift, but I can tell that aspect is going to be one of this
story's charms.
For a random, "Clop because clop" fic, this was one of the better ones. I don't expect much in the way of a plotline but you seem to have a decent grasp of formatting, grammar, and spelling which, other than the quality of the clop itself, is one of the only redeeming features of these kinds of stories. So you hit the two important points and did them well. If you need some help working on the emotional aspect of the story, shoot a message to Applejinx. He's very skilled at emotional clop-heavy stories and I think he might be willing to set aside 15 minutes to give you some pointers if you're willing to listen. Of course, I'm not him so he could just tell you he's busy and that would be the end of it.
So... Twilight is some sort of a succubus whose heritage is just awakening? Maybe possessed by one? Could be interesting, especially if you do some decent world-building and add the other kind of plot. The sex scenes were alright, though a bit too visual for my taste. You kinda made it sound like she has a water hose down there. Seeing a bit more emotion and feelings instead of just flesh on flesh action would be nice - remember that the sexiest bits are these which we do not see.
I'm not really a fan of first person writing unless used to describe inner monologue. Why go with it here?
No clop?
*they are
Also, the first part, where Twilight is talking to herself needs to have the dialogue split off from the paragraphs. Don't just stick on quotes at the end, move the speech to its own paragraph if you have to.
See? Much better.
Hello, if you do enjoy Innocence Lost, always good to watch, like, fav and comment to show support. This has been an undertaking larger than other works I've done so its always good to see support.
-Twhylight
Well, i cant say i saw it coming
Awesome.
Can´t wait to see more^^
Good work
TWI-CLOP RAH!
Nice, getting better and better. The sex could use some more work though; "vagina", "cock" and so forth are best left behind when writing erotica as it's generally better to dance around the subject a bit instead of spelling everything out explicitly. As in photography it's the bits we don't see that make us want more.
The "Ooh.."s through the prose are a bit distracting, I suggest making them italic or substituting them with plain old descriptions of mental state.
Also, I hear that Celestia and Luna are the best lay in Equestria, hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
2368231 Why I make some of the wording so vulgar is emphasizing Eclipse's violent and psychopathic tendancies.
And again, thankyou for feedback.
-Twhylight
Is this story abandoned already ? I need to know what's going to happen. :x
2536298 Its just that I wrote these in bulk, now im going to write the next bulk after I do some other shiswazz.
-Twhylight
2349303
Appropiate choice of words lol
Okay I struggled with this but I'll give it the seal of approval for Twilight's Library. Generally it's very hard for clop to get in (there are only 35 stories in the fold). If it doesn't tell a story and is just a sex scene it normally won't get in. Since this actually has a story (and a weird one at that) I meets the requirements. Also have a fav and a like
Nice to see the story continue. Nearly forgot about it^^
awesome i just read this and I LOVE IT! Plz continue I will be watching for further updates...
So about those chapters soon.....lol
So few comments? Wow. Okay.
I enjoyed it so far and am excited to see where this is going. Good work so far :D
This story holds my sex of approval
I like how the clop intertwines with the story.
a few grammatical errors, but no big deal.
First masturbation. At the age of 21. I dare not be presumptuous, but, WHAT???
4571580
I, as well