TWhylight
Joined 22nd Aug, 2012 ·
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I like this, I'm taking it to my foot palace.
Unfortunately, your punctuation and sentence structure are a bloody mess. You seem to randomly switch between double and single spacing a bit at one point after the start. Not only that, but you end some sentences early while letting others go on too long throughout the story. Worse still, there seem to be some awkward structure decisions that make some sentences difficult to interpret. This fic desperately needs a rewrite, and perhaps some careful editing.
^ this
1134274
Ok, this is good. I cant edit for S**T so if anyone is willing to dare editing this, message me and we'll work something out.
And Thank-you again.
1134606 Cover art = Read it later.
Edit: Lol didn't even realize it was a clopfic until I read it. Clop score: Average. I was more interested in the romance portion of it. I was interested in how you handled the whole Rainbow liking Twilight thing. Not what I expected. It ended a little sad, hinting that they wouldn't greet their feelings in the future.
To make it better, I would watch your writing, like YukoAsho said. It wasn't very well organized, missing words and presenting character spacing issues. I didn't see too many problems with your wording, though. That was okay for me.
Good story, but not great. Have a thumb and a 'stache.
I thought dash would be the one who would bukc twilight silly, but hey, I don't mind this too.
1134606
I think there's a group for that, if my memory doesn't fails me...
I don't think does is spelled like doe's?
other than that pretty good.
well that's pretty...daring ^^ not bad at all, just a little too direct^^
I have to say that that was a really good story. I did notice that there were some minor mistakes, but hey as Rainbow Dash had put it 'what are you going to do.' All in all man, good story with a good plot- 5 stars from this stallion
-bro hoof-
great clop, awesome story, well worth the read.
But yeah, your writing is murder...
Anyone willing to edit, please message me. It would be great.
1159345 A FIMFiction user named "Hellpony" used to edit for me. It wasn't half bad. Maybe you could send him a PM?
Great job. Concept wise 10/10, however, as any starting author is always conflicted with, you have some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes you need to tend to!
I'd recommend this document, its done wonders for me.
~Syn3rgy
I might as well throw in something that I noticed that no one else has pointed out yet.
There are too many proper nouns, its a bit jarring. If you were to figure out a way to remove just a few of them, this fic would be considerably better in my opinion. this isn't what I think needs the most work though, the other comments (specifically the second one) have more important things for you to work on.
Anyway, for a first story I guess that wasn't too bad.
I think a sequel would be good for this
I really liked the concept at first, but this is really awkwardly written. Your choice of words was repetitive and questionable, and the dialog at the end felt empty. That could have been any two characters talking.
1205204 thanks for feedback.
wow...i enjoyed...and you earned a loyal follower today
( ironicly i use twilight's smile alot 
) BRILLIENT STORY...err clopfic i me- same thing 
Well, that was actually pretty decent
Not bad keep up the good work, but...practice on your spelling and punctuation. Still good story though