- Member Since 13th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 20th, 2018
Laarsgaard
Average Brony I guess, I've been writing for a long time and decided to try my hand ad fanfiction so here I am.
Laarsgaard
Joined 13th Nov, 2012 ·
Offline
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I enjoyed this until the last 1800ish words. Twilight loyality to celestia shifted much too fast. Will edit with detail tomorrow while not being on my iPhone.
2440107
Don't waste your time. I'm not fond of reviews of any kind and I don't wish to offend if that's what you enjoy doing but I have had bad experiences in the past with reviews.
i really enjoyed this!! thank you
Interested on where this will go
Second story I had read that includes twilight and dark magic.
I like the story so far. However, regarding your use of commas, the problem is that you don't. A lot of the spots that should have commas are barren, and the sentence flows awkwardly as a result.
2440801
I'm a little confused by this. Reviews are important for learning. They let you know what you're doing well and what needs work.
2446949
I don't wish to discuss it over the comments section here. If you do want to talk about it PM me and I'll explain
Wow, a deep, interesting story about the thin line between darkness and light that doesn't suck. The story is good but feel kind of scattered, a good read.
8.5 outta 10
( so far )
Crap 0.0
Just read you dislike reviews...
Sorry I guess?
2529881
you left your opinion not a review glad you enjoyed it!
I really like it, looking forward to Tuesday, and how the events thereafter unfurl.
It has begun...
So, what is this about?
this needs more and fast
Eh. This seems to suggest that the books might have corrupted her, but I'm not sure why Celestia would even have shown her in the first place only in that case. The next bit doesn't seem to quite belong or make much sense. Why is Twilight even at the castle talking about this in the first place and why go through all that just to tell her that they haven't got anything for her do? In addition to that, we have her rapid switch from disappointment to raging at Celestia. There really seems to be a sort of logical gap in explaining how all this came to be and whether Celestia is playing at something.
Needs work and maybe some exposition.
Starswirl can't have written about his own execution, so it seems reasonable to assume Celestia did. Maybe you could include some of her writing and show that Twilight either does or doesn't realize that it's Celestia writing. How would Twilight know the bit in purple? Also, why execute them in the dungeons, why not make a public example of them? Celestia's relationship with Starswirl is not well explained.
Good story but it needs more explanation if Celestia knew what the book's contends where. Why would she make Twilight read them, just to tell her she is not needed. She must now that Twilight may have dark magic cursing thru her blood/mind now so why provoke her sadness?