Scraps, Musings & Octavia Writes Fanfics

by Wanderer D

We shall never speak of this again

The image focused and unfocused several times on the moon until finally, with a shushed "now" the voice of Applejack came from out of the speakers.

"Once upon a time, a stallion, Ah mean 'man' named Joseph and her gal, Mary got hitched an' had to travel out of their home because they lived under the rule of some tyrant like Sombra, who decided he'd rather see all foals die than be dethroned after some magi told him th' stars said the new king would be born one of those days. So, the pair left their home to avoid their king. They were honest folk, him bein' a carpenter and her being his wife. However, she got pregnant and he wasn't the father, which if y'all ask me seems kinda dubious. What type of honest fol—"

Twilight's voice interrupted. "It was a miracle, Applejack, now keep reading."

"Ah can't call them honest if t—"

"Your missing the point, now keep reading!" Twilight insisted. "And I don't know how to edit video even if I could on this side of the mirror, so stick to the script. We've done this already six times! Can we do it in one go and get done with it? I want to send it to Sunset tonight!"

"Anyway," Applejack continued. "After travelin' in the desert and sufferin' from de-hay-dration, which if you ask me, can be considered foal endangerment at this stage of the preg—alright, alright. After travellin' the desert for days, with no aid from the locals, they finally made it to the point where they had to stop for the night. Joseph and Mary approached several homes asking for poni-people to allow them to spend the night, but Ah guess humans are a selfish, cruel lot because nopon-Ah mean 'no-one' gave a rotten apple about them until finally they reached the last home..."

Big Mac and a heavily pregnant, fully covered, Rarity knocked on the door of Sweet Apple Acre's household a couple of times.

"Yes! Yes! I'm coming!" Granny Smith's voice came from inside, and soon the door opened, showing the elder mare's silhouette against the light. She took a look at the pair, blinked in surprise and whistled.

"Good evening elder," Rarity said, bowing slightly. "We humbly ask you to please give us a place to spend the night. My husband and I have been travelling for some time and we need a place to rest."

"Eeyup."

"Well, butter mah butt and call me a biscuit! Ah was sure you'd eventually catch a nice pony, but you could've invited yer granny to the weddin'!" She stepped aside. "Come in!"

A voice from within urgently whispered something to her, and Granny Smith blinked. "Really? Ah mean," she cleared her throat and pointed at the pair. "Get the hay out of mah property, and take that pregnant hussy with ya!" she shouted at the bewildered couple.

More frantic whispering.

"Ah mean," Granny Smith cleared her throat again. "We have plenty of room inside, but apparently y'all just deserve to sleep in the barn. Off you go."

"Um," Rarity licked her lips. "Y-yes, thank you again for your generosity, elder."

The camera followed the two ponies towards the large Sweet Apple Acres barn as Applejack's voice once again told the story. "The pair made their way to the barn, which could really use a new roof now that Ah think about it, and settled down to sleep, with Big Mac bein' a gentlecolt to the mare carrying somepony else's foa—to the mare he loved, clearly, so much."

"It wasn't long into the night when the birthing pains began, and Rar-Ah mean, Mary, prepared to give birth to thei—her son."

The camera swirled, focusing on Applejack as she glared at a piece of paper in her hoof.

"Applejack! You're the narrator, you shouldn't be angry at this!" Twilight snapped.

"That harlot cheated on Big Mac!" Applejack retorted, pointing at Rarity with an angry hoof.

"Who are you calling a harlot?!" Rarity gasped. She turned to Big Mac. "Honey! She called me a harlot!"

"Eeyup."

"It's fake!" Twilight snapped. "It's a play! Now go back to your places and let's continue this or I will get ANGRY."

The others quickly scrambled back in place. Then Rarity began to cry out.

"Oh! Celest—I mean, gaaah! This is so painful! My insides are being torn apart! Joseph! Do something! Aaarrgh!"

"Rarity, quit over doin' it! You're scarin' the girls! At this rate they'll think that's really how it goes!" Applejack demanded.

Rarity blinked. "It isn't?"

"Just moan painfully, Rarity." Twilight growled.

As Rarity started doing just that, Applejack's voice could be heard whispering loudly. "Toldya she had no clue what it was like. Her romance novels don't cover that part of the whole deal."

"Read your script, Applejack."

"Ahem." Applejack said. "Anyway, the baby was eventually born..."

With a triumphant cry-moan-scream, Spike rolled out from under Rarity's dress, gasping. "Oh," he moaned as he slowly shook his head and sat up. "I feel like this has completely changed our relationship."

"Don't worry Spikey, we're still friends, as always," Rarity assured him. "I mean, except that now you're sort of my son."

"That definitely ain't Big Mac's," Granny Smith said.

"Granny!" Applejack hissed. "Shh. We're not supposed to talk."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, I guess we shall name you—"

The door to the barn smashed open and three fillies wrapped in rags marched in. "Is this where the new king was born?"

Spike grinned. "Oh yeah, I'm the king."

"But, how did you know we would be here?" Rarity asked.

"Eeyup?"

"We had a prophesy," one of the three fillies in rags, Sweetie Belle said. "The stars will aid her esca—" she stopped when one of the other fillies placed a hoof on her mouth. Furious whispering followed. "Sorry, wrong prophesy. I mean, the stars aligned to let us know he'd be here!"

"Yeah!" the Scootalloo added, excited. "Like a laser targeting system!"

"Anyway, since Twilight seems to be gettin' angry, here," Apple Bloom said. "Mah name is Barnabas, and ah brought you some gold as a birthday present."

"I think you're supposed to be 'Balthazar'," Sweetie corrected.

"That one." Apple Bloom nodded.

"My name is Melchior!" Scootaloo said, putting down a box in front of Spike. "And I brought you Frankenstein!"

"Frankincense," Sweetie corrected, rolling her eyes. "Did you even read the script?"

"Shut up, dictionary! Now do your thing!"

Sweetie rasp-berried Scootaloo, then stepped forth. "And I'm Gaspar! I brought you myrrh!"

"And so it was," Applejack's voice began anew. "That the three magi brought two flammable gifts and a bagful of chocking hazards to an infant who was supposed to save them all."

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash asked, walking into the barn with a magical red, glowing orb attached to her nose. "Is this when I bring in Sandy Claws and save the day?"

"Argh!" the camera was suddenly pointing down an to the side, where only the legs of the ponies could be seen. "That's it. We're done! I hope they like it, because we're not doing this again!"

The scene went black and then to static.

o.0.o

"So..." Sunset Shimmer said after a moment, turning the lights on, the tv off and turning to look at the horrified faces of the others. "This is what Twilight sent me for Christmas."

"We should never have given her a video camera," Applejack said weakly.

"Do you think this was revenge for when we tried to do a representation of Hearth's Warming Eve?" Fluttershy asked meekly.

"No," Sunset said. "This was done in earnest."

"Oh, my." Rarity grimaced. "I guess we should send them a thank you note?"

o.0.o

Dear Twilight,

We don't have the words to thank you for your re-enactment of the Nativity scene.

Your friends,
The Rainbooms

Twilight Sparkle smiled and nodded. Mission complete!

"I bet they'll love the one I'm planning for Easter!"

The End

Author's Note:

Yes, it was as bad as you imagine. Cultural misunderstandings can be complicated.

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

7047483
NO SCREW YOU I JUST TOOK THIS OFF MY LIST why can't you let me win ;_;

[Wanderer D]

7047528 why would you take something that says "incomplete" off your reading list?

[PresentPerfect]

7047539
;_;

[Admiral Biscuit]

I just don't even....

"I bet they'll love the one I'm planning for Easter!"

This had better be a thing.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh man. Now I want to see them try to do Passover.

"Why would anypony think frogs were a plague?"
"Water turning into blood? I can't tell if that's gross or awesome."
"Killin' of th' firstborn!? What, gettin' some other stallion's wife with foal weren't enough fer this guy?"

[Bugsydor]

While reading this, I couldn't tell whether to laugh, cringe, or choke on my potato soup. Good work

[PresentPerfect]

"That definitely ain't Big Mac's," Granny Smith said.

This kills the PP.

[BlueNinja]

"And I brought you Frankenstein!"

"Frankincense,"

I think I'd rather have Frankenstein. He can help me make some new friends.