Thorax is a junior processor, class Q, and has lived his entire life in the hive, yet he dreams of things bigger. Grander. Much more important than watching pH levels in vats all day. Wouldn't you know it, his application to the espionage services gets accepted, too! Maybe he really is going places!
Except he nearly flunked the exam, and knows nothing of the outside world. Regardless, Queen Chrysalis charges him with a very important mission: Spying on the inhabitants of Ponyville, especially Twilight Sparkle.
Nothing, of course, goes right after that.
Cover art by Chicmonster
Chapters (28)
This is really great fun. It's rare I read a story about someone as stupid and deluded as Thorax and still like it. Most comedy fics I find with a stupid main character fall flat, but you make it work. And he manages to be mildly endearing somehow. Well done.
The self-delusion reminds me somewhat of Thanquol if you ever read Skaven books. That's a compliment. And I find it hilarious the way you make contrast between Pony and Changeling society. The hive seems a lot like a communist dictatorship with a well-functioning indoctrination process. Or maybe that's just Thorax.
I find the hive a little odd though. I sounds more like a boring place with mass-produced items of metal and rock, like an industry complex. I'd have expected more insect-like descriptions, so the hive would be more along the layout of beehives or ants' nests and less mess-halls and military complexes. But that's just my opinion.
Overall, this story is great and you're writing is much more interesting than some of the other changeling fics I've seen. Your narrative simply doesn't feel like filler like it does in some other changeling fics.
You have a few mistakes here and there. Three in the latest chapter:
"Thorax opened his eyes, finding himself oddly self aware for no reason." I think it should be "self-aware".
"Thorax made his way towards the enormous tree which double as a Library." It should be "doubled".
"He'd need to case the place first, as he fully intended to visit the building at night to try to find more details about his target." Huh, turns out "case" really does have that meaning. Well, thank you, you taught me something.
Again, good job, have a like and a fave. Looking forward to more.
Happy writing.
2760440
Thanks for the heads up. I typically do my own spell checking, so if anyone spots any other spelling mistakes, just say so.
This is hilarious, how is this fic not more popular?!
Glad I stumbled on this, it's brilliant.
Yay Thoravi? Octax? Wow, that sounds odd. Still, I'll be watching this one, yush. 
this story has so much fail that it's winning!!!
Ooh, plot development. I got a kick out of Thorax sleeping, though. Poor Tavi, you picked up the dumbest boyfriend evarrrr.
I LOVE IT ... more pls :D
Interesting. I have no idea what's going on, but something is obviously in the works. I'm intrigued. And I agree with Loeden, Thorax is hilarious even when asleep.
A few things that caught my eye:
"To be the kind of pony who marries a nigh-immortal demigoddess but still has fantasies about cotton candy, Cadence could only guess at. To be the kind of pony who marries that kind of pony, she was depressingly familiar with." You seem to lack a part of these sentences, like you only implicitly have some of the important bits. You lack something like "What it was like being the kind of pony who..." in each sentence. Otherwise it's too fragmented.
"Special delivery for Princess Cadence?" the pony who had barged in announced. Cadence stopped herself and turned around." Shouldn't it be an exclamation mark instead of a question mark? Or is Derpy actually confused and actually asking for Cadence in that sentence?
""That doesn't look so special," Cadence said, as to her examination of the package presented." This is just odd, it just looks a lot like a phrasing from another language, google-translated into English. I suggest changing it to something like "Cadence said, as her examination of the package ended." or "as she finished examining the package."
"Cadence's teeth were grinding by the time she read the letter in full. In it, Celestia had neatly forgotten to tell her anything she actually needed to know, and only what she had to do, and how to do it. In so doing, she actually had not told her what she had to do, or how to do it." You're completely contradicting yourself here. First you say that Celestia told her not what she needed to know but only what she had to do and how, and then you say the opposite in the very next sentence. If you just remove all of the latter sentence, then it will make sense.
Good chapter otherwise, but you need to be careful with fragmented sentences and such. Looking forward to the next chapter.
2772109
Only once you have mastered the rules are you allowed to break them.
There is nothing strictly grammatically wrong with those sentences, but clarity is the most important part. I'll switch them around a bit to make them more clear, some of the phrasing styles are archaic English.
As for "In so doing, she actually had not told her what she had to do, or how to do it." The problem is a lack of emphasis. Imagine someone telling you to do a dance for them, but not telling you which dance you need to do, despite that being a crucial piece of information. Complaining about that, by stating it once, and then stating it again in reverse, highlights the humour of the situation you're now in.
"Dance! No, not that one! Dance! No, not that one, what is wrong with you? I told you to dance!"
He, this is still fun. And I didn't spot anything that I thought needed correction, so that's good.
I'm really hoping to see where these plotlines go though, they don't seem to have much to do with each other yet, though I can imagine how they might meet. That's sure to result in hilarious chaos.
Looking forward to it.
Happy writing.
This literally pained me to read. It was the most awkward, horrible thing ever.
... I eagerly await chapter nine :D
Hmm...
Pinkie Pie VS. Nappa. Who would emerge the Patty Cake Champion?
Again, you manage to write a great story with an idiot as the main character. Well done.
"Thorax awoke at the crack of noon" is the joke supposed to be that it's not "crack of dawn"? If not, I'm pretty sure "crack of dawn" is a specific phrase where you can't substitute "dawn" for something else.
Looking forward to the next chapter. Happy writing.
Thorax is, without a doubt, best pony. Yes yes.
Changeling squinting powers, activate! Best chapter yet, poor Lyra...
Damn you! You've literally made me laugh out loud several times, waking the freakin' dog.
Also I gotta say I really love the way you characterized Octavia. I'm imagining that she used to be a well-mannered, posh Canterlot pony and moving in with Vinyl into Ponyville corrupted her into another one its crazy-ass inhabitants.
This is so stupid. In the most hilarious possible way of course. Looking forward to the next chapter.
2804416 "Remember the bug planet Vegeta?! You were a prison bitch!"
Hmm...
I'm honestly not sure what to make of this, I kind of think that it's all one big misunderstanding, because this is a comedy and that'd be the funny thing to do, but it'd also be the expected thing to do...
2858467
It's a romance comedy. There's a little drama too. You have no idea what to expect, and that's just how I like it. Heh heh heh...
Ooh, now I wonder what happened to all those changelings. Also, what if it turns out crystal honey is a viable nectar replacement? (Well, if you add benzodiazawhatnot, which is an anti-anxiety, isn't it? Changelings are totally hooked on klonopin or something.)
2859123 It's also used to help with hypnosis... yeah, Chrysalis is brain washing the entire race.
2859338 Oh! I had no idea. Yes, that makes sense. Scary sense!
2859345 Yeah me neither... so I researched it!
Great chapter. Though I'm really beginning to wonder where the plotlines will go and if they will merge into something coherent. At the moment, it just seems like they intersect interestingly but without much point. Still, I'm entertained enough to want more. Keep writing.
Nitpicks:
"Her packages, now sitting on the seat beside her, would hopefully serve as a warning she did not want to be sat with." Odd wording, the "sat with". Mostly because "sat with" sounds like someone will place Spiracle somewhere. I suggest "did not want anyone joining her" or "did not want company" or something like that.
"There were a lot more ponies getting on than usual, two griffons, a few mules." Not a logical summation. I suggest "than usual and even two griffons and a few mules".
"The train was also now late, Spiracle noted." I suggest "was now also late".
"Spiracle couldn't concentrate, her life was too busy flashing before her eyes." The subject in the second sentence here ought to be the same as in the first sentence. I suggest "concentrate, she was too distracted by her life flashing before her eyes."
"Spiracle had gotten water dumped on her by the changeling sitting next to her in espionage 101, when the flashing stopped." I suggest "reached the point where she had gotten water dumped..."
"Spiracle looked out the window as the Crystal Empire started sliding along. The train got underway at last and the terrain began to get snowy, further from the curious magical boundaries of the city." These two sentences seem disjointed, like you say twice that the train begins moving. I suggest: "Spiracle looked out the window as the train got underway at last. The Crystal Empire slid along with increasing speed and the terrain began to get snowy as they moved further from the curious magical boundaries of the city."
"<She is all bark, little bite. Little is size of head, I mean.>" Shining Armor said.
"Ooh, what a rotten thing to call your wife," Spiracle teased." Should this last part be in Equestrian or Russian? Because if it's just supposed to be more of Spiracle and Shining talking over the head of Cadence, you forgot the "<>".
"Chatter filled the car to deafening," Odd wording, strikes me as an attempt at being original but it sadly just jars me out of the story. I suggest perhaps "Chatter filled the car and soon rose to a deafening level" or something a little more eloquent.
"Yes, it's like I didn't just get through explaining that to you," came the rejoinder." Hm, seems rejoinder is a synonym according to thesaurus.com. It's still a very uncommon and jarring word to me and it doesn't quite fit your casual writing style if you ask me. That's like writing a casual letter and then suddenly using one of the fancier words from Shakespeare or H. P. Lovecraft. Not technically wrong but jarring.
"The desk clerk, though sarcastic to a razor's edge, had a point." Just slightly odd here. I like the idea of what you try but it just doesn't quite hit the mark. Just bringing your attention to this as something that ought to be looked at. I can't quite come up with a solution, and as it is now it looks to me simultaneously nonsensical and a great wording. I get that you mean very sarcastic, but that's just not quite what that means. I'm not even sure what it means if you just read the sentence on it's own.
"From the gloom had emerged an enormous blue minotaur." This would just seem more logical if it was "minotaur answers, then emerges from the gloom." Fits the narrative better. I suggest just "From the gloom emerged an enormous blue minotaur."
"Cadence and Shining Armor emerged into the day's sun with about fifty bits less than they had entered with, and more than enough camping equipment to last them a life time." Pretty sure it's "lifetime" in one word.
Great chapter anyway, remember, I only nitpick 'cause I care and enjoy your story. Looking forward to the next chapter. Happy writing.
Huh, well that's quite a tone shift.
The book of everything must be completed!
Good chapter, but I have to agree with Sako on this being quite a tone shift, what with the bloody violence and impending death. Feels out of place compared to the rest of the story, which generally felt more in line with the show in terms of content. In other words, the other chapters felt like they could potentially be shown on TV, while this seemed like it would come with a warning before it.
Nitpicks:
"Their mission nearly half complete, Tarsus began preparations for the most difficult part. He had been unable to locate any operatives who had actually been inside the Marmalade Falls hive," It sounds odd that you start with "Their" and then talk about one specific person. I suggest "With the mission nearly half complete, Tarsus..."
"Hey, wild blink-grass. Better keep some, you can never have too much of the stuff, she thoughtto herself. She ripped it out at the root and stuffed it into one of her paper bags, happy to have the chance to help one of her gatherer friends - when she got back home, that is." Missed a space between "thought" and "to". Also, the "when she got back home, that is" looks odd, there is something that bugs me about the tense there. I suggest just losing the "that is." part.
"Hey, are you all right? Wake up!"
No response.
"Wake up! Hey!"
"She's bleeding really bad. She's not gonna make it."
Tegula could not make out who was saying what. All she could see was two blurs standing over her.
"I'll fly her back to camp. Make sure the bandages and alcohol are prepped when I get there."
"... Be careful, honey." The "no response" seems wrong here for several reasons. One, it doesn't quite fit your style that you use a fragment here. Two, this paragraph is from Tegula's viewpoint, so it looks odd. It might be OK, if it was from Cadence' or Shining's viewpoint but it doesn't work when it's from Tegula's. Three, it looks odd with the fragment when Tegula is obviously still conscious. I suggest "Tegula couldn't muster the strength to reply" or something like that.
"Princess Cadence walked into view from behind him, a concerned look etched on her face." Kinda clunky the last sentence. I suggest simplifying it to "him, concern etched onto her face."
"They'd talk about these rude archaeologists, wouldn't they." I think this should end with a question mark, not a full stop.
Good little chapter, when looking past the things mentioned here. And nice update speed too. It would be awesome if you could keep it up. Happy writing.
2879322
My update rate coincides exactly with the overlap between my own work schedule and my editor's. With Bronycon coming up (hope at least one reader is attending!) this may slow down a bit. No promises.
Hmm, a red herring?...
Also, yay, they kissed!
D'aaaw, that was cute. And fun.
And was that Thorax' first time experiencing love from the source? Awesome.
I have to say, the part with people actually having jobs to facilitate the events of chases, while marginally funny, doesn't work. The chase scene doesn't need glass breaking and fruit carts getting smashed, particularly because real glass kinda cuts people up if they crash through it. All in all, having people being paid to make sure the "traditional events of a chase" actually happen, seems like you're trying too hard to have a self-aware story and it doesn't really work. I suggest leaving out parts like that and keeping to events that happen because of Throax' cluelessness. In other words, that bit of comedy you attempted there doesn't mesh with the rest of the narrative. At all.
Specific nitpicks:
"As Spiracle tore down the streets, the cobblestone became dangerously slick. New asphalt. " This doesn't quite make sense. To my knowledge, there is a huge difference between cobblestone and asphalt, namely that they are two completely different things. Unless you are attempting to show that the surface they are running on changed and even then it is somewhat unclear. Also, it might be me who is bad at remembering it, but I don't think there were asphalt roads in Ponyville.
"A pony shouted at them from inside the house, adorned with candy, they were passing." This looks odd. From the structure of the sentence, it looks like it's the pony, not the house, which is adorned with candy. I suggest "from inside a candy-themed/candy-adorned house they were passing".
"The stumbling lasted only a minute, but Octavia was inches behind her." Are you sure you mean inches. Because that is really, really, really close in a chase. I suggest just "right behind her" or maybe, for the pun of it, "right on her tail".
"After some snapping, whatever had held him broke free and they both tumbled backwards into another bramble." I think it should be just "whatever had held him broke and they..." because Thorax is the one breaking free, while the things holding him is breaking.
Still, good story. Looking forward to more. Happy writing.
2894671 Maybe it was safety glass, like they use in autos?
2898479
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sugar_glass
It has never been more appropriate.
Frazzled:
As for whether or not something "doesn't fit" in the narrative, that's a pretty strange assertion. It's a different kind of comedy, yes, but so far there have been a lot of other kinds of comedy besides fish-out-of-water comedy. There was even a self-aware joke earlier in the story that didn't elicit this response.
As I've said before, this story has a little bit of everything. Just as dramatic stories usually have comedy to relieve you from the burden of endless drama, so too does a comedic story have spurts of drama to relieve you from the comedy (I call it, "Tragic Relief"). Using other kinds of jokes to break the flow of the main kind of joke is merely an extension of that style.
TL:DR I mix it up. They can't all be winners to everyone.
2899482
First of all, yes, safety glass would make sense in that situation, you and Loeden are completely correct.
Second, what I meant to say was that those scenes just fell flat and felt off to me. Anything I have to say, which is not a case of pure grammar, is of course a case of opinion and it is your story and your call on everything. I just wanted to give my two bits here.
The noted scenes simply felt like that scene in Austin Powers with Fat Bastard and the wire-tricks. That scene, for me, works in the movie, precisely because it is an absurd parody with nothing in the sense of being meta being out of bounds.
Your story seems more grounded in an actual reality, if one as admittedly weird as MLP, with people with reasonable jobs and some pretty serious stuff with the changelings. Therefore, people being paid to ensure story elements take place, seemed weird to me.
And in terms of style of the narrative: again, it is your story, but the reader generally gets some idea of the general feel of the story, whether he is wrong or not. You'd most likely feel it was out of place if a romantic comedy with no supernatural elements, suddenly in the third act took a turn into cosmic horror with no buildup whatsoever. This is nowhere near that level of whiplash, but it just felt like something on a different track.
I'm trying to clarify what I meant. I greatly enjoy your story and am just trying to give a little feedback as a verbal tip for you entertaining me so well. I'm still looking forward with great eagerness for the next chapter. Happy writing.
I liked it! The story had a lot of ROTFL moments and this is where it shines. It's strange why it only has 27 upvotes (mine included).
I think it needs a bit more publicity.
MOAR!!!
2910477
The next chapter is the end of the second act, at which point I'm submitting it to EQD (and any other fanfic sites that you people recommend) which should do something for it.
I've been burned by them before, so I've made triple-sure it's not going to get rejected. I'm even pulling favours with famous bronies.
I would wait a little before the EqD submission. The story is good, the humour is definitively there but I would wait for a few more critical reviews posted here.
OK, I don't normally do this, but...
Your story description alone had m splutteringly laughing out loud! Definitely a "Will read!"
Please do continue this gem!!! It's a really good story that just needs just a little bit more time to become popular.
MOAR!!!
Woah, things got serious.. And it was incredibly well-done! This chapter was riveting, as much as I love the comedy and hapless Thorax. Win-win!
First of, this is a great chapter. Almost nothing springs to mind as odd grammar and a lot of mystery appears here and I get really drawn in.
However, with the risk of drawing your ire again, I have to say the complete seriousness of this chapter is completely at odds with Thorax' plotline. This feels like neither comedy nor slice of life. It feels like a chapter from a completely different story, one with adventure and drama tags and possibly the dark tag. That would obviously be a great mysterious, tense story. But the story you advertise and begin is ostensibly about the bumbling Thorax, so the high seriousness chapters feel horribly jarring, particularly this one.
Specific nitpicks:
"Tegula wasn't sure she wanted them to find anything. There was no stopping them now, and all she could do was wait." You have one too many spaces between "anything." and "There. I also suggest a "though" after "now" or a "But" before "there".
" The red paint lines had ran at random across the bodies, and no pattern emerged." Again, a space too many before "The" and it should either be "paint lines had run at random" or "paint lines ran at random". When you use a "had" the next word should be in the form that is usually preceded by "to". So it is "had run" as where run is from the type that would be "to run".
Still, bear in mind, despite my criticism, your writin ability is still excellent. The pieces of the whole just have jarring differences in tone.
Still looking forward to reading the rest.
2938890
Yeah, I completely agree. I still love this story, but the tone shift is just so...contrary to the initial premise. It's a little unnerving.
2938890
Not that it's my 'ire' but I was kinda hoping you'd pick up on the fact that there are two very different narratives with two very different tones. The serious stuff happens on Cadence, Tegula, and Chrysalis' threads, and the unserious stuff happens on Thorax and Spiracle's threads.
Since Thorax is the main character, he gets most of the attention and the serious is overshadowed. I can only pick a finite number of categories to post this story in, mind you, that's a rule on fimfiction. Some stories don't fit neatly into the categories made for them.
2943374
Oh, I have picked up the very different tones and they are consistent in tone within each narrative.
That's kinda my point, that the part with Tegula in particular is so serious and, honestly, dark, that it feels like something out of a completely different story. A shift in tone as wild as it is between Thorax and Tegula is something that is very noticable and very, very, very hard to pull off and as it is now, there just seems to be nothing but the most tenous connection between the two main plots; "serious, apparent eradication of changelings" and "worst spy in the world bumbles his way through romance".
I'm hoping that the plot threads will somehow come together beautifully at some point in the future but as it is now, it looks like you wanted to write two different stories and just put them both in the same fic for some reason. Of course I expect that that isn't what you did and that you have some kind of plan, but that's how it looks to me at the moment.
And just for clarity's sake, ire was a joke, I expected you to be pretty reasonable and you were. And to soften my blow, let me repeat that your writing is still excellent. Good characters, good narrative and few mistakes. It's just the parts that don't quite fit together, at least yet.
Terribly sorry to anyone who got spooked thinking a new chapter was up. I clicked the wrong button.
3008194
Drat! And I was so eager, too
3008194 thats so disappointing
This
was
HILARIOUS!
As I wrote on my FimFiction page, this is the best comedy Changeling story I had the pleasure to read! I LOVE Thorax and I hope this gem will get the publicity it truly deserves!
MOAR!!!
YaaaY! Another chapter! This is a perfect way of starting a day
.
MOAR!!!