• Member Since 1st Jan, 2012
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Diamond Sparkle


I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.

T
Source

Rarity finds out that she is in fact a Changeling,and more then that, a member of a Changeling Royal Family,who was sent away for her own safety and so that she should not get spoilt.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 187 )

Intrigued, please continue.

Ah!

Half of the damn thing's in italics!

In all seriousness though, this seems like an interesting premise.
It has earned a favorite from me, and I await further installments.


I might also suggest finding a prereader or an editor though.
You can do pretty good on your own, but one of those two things would give your stories that extra "oomph".
Still, congrats on the new story.

2160851 I have tried to fix the itallics problem as soon as I found out about it.

Good start. Although, I would think that Rarity would be a bit more panicky about discovering that her whole life was a lie and that she’s a changeling… Ie.:raritydespair:
Also the story could be fleshed out a bit more. Sorry, I’m really picky about these things. :twilightsheepish:

But it’s still a decent start. You get a favourite from me.

Oh man! I'm going to feel REAL sorry for Spike. 20 bits says Rarity is going to use poor Spike as nothing more than food now. She had a tendency to use him in the show anyways.

Rarity didn't freak out? That not like her :P

Why am I such a sucker for Mane 6 Changeling fics? :raritydespair:

A little too fast paced, but I am intriqued.

Little bit fast but I'm intrigued. There are a lot mane 6 is a changeling stoys but this one jumps quickly to the hive. We will see if it's different enough from the others. I will follow for now and keep my mouse on the like button to see where the story goes...

Now whatever you do, don't forget to bring up her connection with the Element of Generosity at some point. No, not the fact that she is generous. The fact that she, a Changeling, is bound to 1/6th of Equestria's Friendship Nuke. Once Celestia verifies that Princess Rarity is in fact Rarity, she may be inclined to extend aid and protection to this Hive.

...also, please don't go the route of "The Queen lays all the eggs". That particular Changeling Meme annoys me to no end. :facehoof:

I think Rarity kidnapping and accepting her being a changeling princess went far to fast.

Slow down man, what drama is there in finding out you are changeling if it sounds like no big deal at all.

2161813 Making things go too fast is a common fic fault of mine.

2161614Don't worry, I won't do that meme. Obviously the Queen does lay [isome ]eggs, or she could not have children, but the average Queen lays only three or four eggs in a lifetime.

This story started way too fast. MOAR flesh is needed.

MOAR raritypanic too.

Interesting nonetheless.

I have yet to read the story but I must say this...that cover image with haunt my dreams...

An interesting premise, yet I do agree that it was a little bit rushed, ya' know? It was good all the same, but the "kidnapping" was just too sudden and when Rarity met Queen Primary, it was somewhat too short of a conversation. If you could have gone more in depth with it, more imagery, more movement and explanation, it would have turned out better. The flow was pretty good, though. I'm interested to see more of this here story. Amaze me with your imagination! To be judgmental on it, I'd say that it's decent so far. Interesting . . .

Sorry if you don't like this critique . . . If you like, go criticize one of my stories! Harshly, encouragingly . . . you just say whatever you want. I'm always happy to receive criticism, whether it's good or bad.

2161825 I have an idea to help slow down the story. All you need is to describe more. How about when the chariot lands in a mountainside forest clearing Rarity tries to make a run for it only to be stopped by an advancing swarm of changelings on all sides.

As she backtracks towards the carriage in fear describe what she is feeling, what her thoughts are. She stops and cowers in fear at the thought of spending the rest of her life as changeling food. Worse still her friends and family may never know what happened to her, she fears that one of those monsters will impersonate her and harm Sweetie Bell.

And then describe as the changeling crowds part for their queen who walks with both the grandeur of royalty and the pain of age. As she gets close, Rarity’s flight-or-fight response kicks in. She trembles in fear as she threatens the Changeling queen who just smiles and bows. “Welcome home, Princess Rarity,” she says.

It is at this point that the sudden influx of confusion into her fear laced mind makes her go blank, her eyes roll back and with only a frightened murmur she faints.

Cue next scene where she wakes up in the hive and to her horror she’s now a changeling...
It’s just a suggestion. I’m not trying to write your story for you. :twilightsheepish:

2165748 I feel that I want to do a new story chapter first and then edit the first one.

2166463 I said the same thing to someone on my story. :twilightsheepish:

I’m looking forward to what happens next.

While this a promising fic, just.............. solw down! :twilightangry2:
It seems too rushed and she's accepted responsibility as a queen far too quickly! :flutterrage:
Just tone it down a bit and it'll be fine! :pinkiehappy:

2172702 I tend to allways rush my fics.

Your spelling is terrible. With nearly all of today's word processors having a spell check feature, there is no excuse for that.

Also, as was mentioned in the previous chapter, the pacing is too rushed. Even with the calming effects of the hive, Rarity shouldn't be so quick to accept. I'm a sucker for "X is a changeling" fics, but so far, this is not shaping up to be one of the better ones. It's not beyond fixing, though, so I think I'll stick around a little longer to see where you go with it.

So… If Rarity and her ‘parents’ where changelings, then what about Sweetie Bell? :rainbowhuh:

2172745 And so, you use that tendency of yours as an argument to continue rushing your fics instead of tring to correct it and become a better author?

I see what you did there.
But yea try to get longer descriptions and somewhat maybe little more about what she fell etc

so far, it's a good, although short, read, and I look forward to more.

Definitely needs to slow down a bit.

As much as happened in this chapter, you'd need another thousand words minimum for it to be good.

2172833 I want to get a fic done, it's so rare that I write anything nowdays. Would you like to help with the fic?

I want to get a fic done, it's so rare that I write anything nowdays. Would you like to help with the fic?

If I can, why not? But you need to know that I'm not that good in English. (It's not my home language, French is.)

But that can be a good practice for us too. (You to become less… "rushy", and me to become better in English.) I just hope you don't mind correcting every idea I give you, (and saying which error I have made were) that's the only way to help me progress.

Oh, you were allways one

That is one "l" too much.

2176632 Later on I'll PM you ideas for how to develop this and slow it down. At this very moment however real life is in the way.

THREE WORDS!!

FEED OF SPIKE!
FEED OF SPIKE!!

She thought Oh, I hate flying. A fall from this height would surely kill me unless I was lucky enough to land in a lake. Still, those pilots know their dutiesand are trained for this sort of thing, and even if by some chance one of them had a heart attack in mid air, the other could still land this chariot safely.

The pegusai started flying due east and speeded up their flying.

Now I happen to be a pony with a good sense of direction, and Canterlot is to the north of Ponyville, which means that we are flying the wrong way.

"I'm sorry to be a back seat flyer, but we appear to be flying the wrong way, towards the Badlands, where Changeling Hives are known to be located. I'd really rather we didn't end up there, it's dangerous."

There was no reply from either of the pilots, who just speeded up their flying.

"Now you're creeping me out.

1. duties and
2. pegasi
3, 4. sped

Not sure Rarity would ever randomly and casually imagining one of her charioteers having a heart attack, nor am I sure the other could still land the chariot safely with two useless ponies and an unbalanced pulling angle.

Not quite sure Rarity would ever say 'creeping me out' either. Sounds more like Rainbow to me. Try 'scaring me'.

Hey, wait a minute, how would Rarity know where the Badlands are?

2180630
...do you mean "Feed off Spike"? :derpytongue2:

This story has only 2500 words, as far as it has progressed I think it should easily have double if not triple that number. We've gone from Rarity being normal to being kidnapped, being told her whole life has been a lie, shown around a changeling hive, accept everything the queen says, no Rarity like freak outs or any sign of her usual behavior through out any of this and than finally accepting responsibility to be queen of a bunch of bugs that just kidnapped her what feels like only 5 minutes ago. I'm going to track this because I'm a sucker for Mane 6 to changeling fics but this needs a lot of work.

Oh MY!!!! :fluttercry:
Good luck, my heart and thoughts go out to you. :ajsleepy:

your family comes first, always. the fanfic can wait and so can I.

my well wishes to you and your family.

Hope that she gets well soon.

Thoughts and prayers. May she have a quick recovery.

fanfic comes second for thing like this i hope your mom is going to be ok

sadness

:applecry::applecry::applecry::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch::raritydespair::raritycry::pinkiesad2:

that is very sad...... :fluttercry::applecry::pinkiesad2::raritydespair::raritycry: I pray for her recovery and hope that she gets better. Do whatever you need to, family comes before pony fics.

Hey don't worry abolut the fic its not going anywhere, so help your mother get better, because she will.

My condolences to your ailing mother

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