A Twist of Fate

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What if things had been different?
What if, on the fateful day of a Sonic Rainboom, Princess Celestia had been acting out of character?

Chapters (5)

Prologue · 22nd Feb 2013 · 2,696 words
2,696
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One · 24th Feb 2013 · 1,495 words
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Two · 10th Mar 2013 · 3,006 words
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Three · 5th Aug 2013 · 1,822 words
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Four · 6th Aug 2013 · 1,955 words
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Comments ( 20 )

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Fallen Knight

Fallen Knight #1 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Sad? Murder,conspiracies and such i would say Dark rather then sad.

Goodbye

Goodbye #2 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Your beginning is rather cliched. I'd only use to really poke fun at something. And either the placement or the blandness of the sentance about woodland creatures seems awkward. Over all actually your writing seems bland and rushed. Go into more detail of surroundings or thoughts. Develop your characters. Also how could Celestia not connect a talk about changlings and a change in appearence? You got an ok idea you need to work on your writing though.

Commentaholic

Commentaholic #3 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Hmm.... I'm curious enough to follow this and hold off judgement until I see where this goes. Yes, as some others said, a bit cliche, but the start of a story isn't the best indicator of where the writer will take it once they improve.

Keep going *thumbs up*

The One and only One

The One and only One #4 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Wait, so Celestia and Chrysalis became one being or something like that?

lemmingluv

lemmingluv #5 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

2162191 Not exactly. Chrysalis has used a spell to momentarily take over Celestias mind, but only her nervous system and such.

2162117 Thanks for not judging my stuff so quickly!

2161989 As for the whole cliched thing, I'm kind of writing this on a whim. If I'd gone into proper planning, I would have made my own illustration, had a better, more thoughtful title, and would have some friends read through it first. But again, I literally just wrote this last night, quickly while it was in my head.As for the woodland creatures thing, I admit that that was thrown in last second. However, if I hadn't, I'm quite sure someone would have said "How are they not dead from starvation????" Now, the thing about Celestia. She was mostly caught off guard by the fact that anyone would know about the changelings in the first place, as they've been gone for hundreds of years and she thought she was speaking to a 6-ish year old pony. I have good writing skills, I just haven't written anything in awhile.

2161800 Hmmm, I guess you have a point... In all honesty, I didn't intend to make it so dark when I sat down and started typing.

Goodbye

Goodbye #6 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

2162267
I just meant the first couple of sentences. I'll keep an eye on this.

Zloe_Zlo

Zloe_Zlo #7 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · 1 · Prologue ·

too dark for no reason.. sorry.

lemmingluv

lemmingluv #8 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · 1 · · Prologue ·

2162457 I don't exactly understand how you find this "too dark". There's no blood, no cursing, no killing, no blood thirsty monsters. What about it do you find dark?

FakeScienceMonthly

FakeScienceMonthly #9 · Feb 22nd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Feedback time.

OK, it's your first ponyfic, and I'd just like to say thanks for taking the time to think of an actual story and not writing a second person shipfic. However there are things you need to work on.

The most noticeable problem with the story is that characters seem to do things for strange reasons. Firstly, there's a race of shapeshifters by birth that for some reason can't sneak into an entire country. You should explain how the ponies are protecting themselves to make the threat seem more serious. If you don't it just makes me think they must be stupid or something.

After starving of love, the best plan they can come up with is to send their king and queen deep into hostile territory alone, to fight the enemy queen in hoof to hoof combat. Surely there is a safer option than that? Also, it's confusing why a bug race would have a king. Most people assume the changling queen is like a bee queen and produces all the offspring. There's nothing that says you change that to something else, but you should try to make it sound like you have a solid idea of the world you are writing in by explaining.

So, Chrysalis gets mad and takes over Celestia, then for some reason, she goes to antagonize Twilight. Why does this happen? Does she care about the building? Couldn't she have picked any pony to start her revenge with? I would be intimidated if I saw Twilight destroy a building. Does she know in advance that Twilight is going to be Celestia's student? Has she been watching the show? It all seems too unlikely.

Kazlene is right about the start. Just rewrite the first one paragraph now before anyone else see's it. Begin with anything but 'It was a sunny day in Equestria.'

Overall the story flow and writing style is good. The idea is worth persuing. You have a few problems with comma splicing and cliche's, but the story isn't bad.

Hope it helps. Good luck.

lemmingluv

lemmingluv #10 · Feb 23rd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

2163349 Okey dokey.

About the changelings being unable to get into Equestria, I was actually planning on getting further into it in the second chapter. It mostly has to do with unicorn magic and Celestia's protection spells and such. To be perfectly honest, I didn't include that because I didn't want the prologue to be so long that some people would completely not bother to read it.

Again, that has to do with unicorn magic. Since Imago and Chrysalis are both part unicorn, they'd be able to get through the boundaries and spells raising little to no alert. There were a group of changelings waiting on the border, but I guess I didn't really make that clear enough. I was originally going to follow the idea that they were insect-like and had more of a hive than anything, but then I read more about the changelings and Chrysalis on the Wiki (I know, not exactly reliable), and it didn't seem to mention them as being a "hive" of creatures. In fact, Chrysalis was given her name before actual design, and it was her name itself that inspired the buggy look. But I'm getting off topic. I kind of wanted to explore a loving father-daughter relationship in which Imago was the closest one to Chrysalis, and she would be willing to do anything for him, especially in vengeance. I dunno, I guess in a way I kind of felt that a king would fit better, especially since in the song she sang in Canterlot Wedding Part 2 she mentioned she had "no room in her heart" for a groom. I figured that maybe the only one she could ever really love was her father, who was taken away from her. Sorry for the long response for this part

This also has to do with the fact that I didn't want the prologue to be too long I had a whole section typed out where Chrysalis sets fire to the library that's part of the unicorns school and starts trapping members of the royal guard in crystals, but I left it out because of insecurities about length.

Blah, you're right. That beginning is going to be the end of me.

Thank you very much for your constructive criticism. Yes, comma splicing has always been a problem of mine. Sadly, I'm taught English by a teacher who can't spell, so it's a little difficult for me to fix it.

FakeScienceMonthly

FakeScienceMonthly #11 · Feb 23rd, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

2164538 I would think it would be worth it to add the extra details to the prologue. You can just briefly touch on them. That should be good enough to satisfy readers for a while.

Also, if there's a big magic shield protecting the country from changlings, then you have the additional problem of explaining why nopony knows what a changling is when there's a huge shield over the whole country because of them.

The comma splicing isn't a big deal. Just keep writing, and look out for them until they go away.

Goodbye