Over the rocky canyons, past a frozen tundra, and through Everfree Forest lie a land where ponies, unicorns, and pegasi roam. This land is known as Equestria, a beautiful, fertile land. Birds were chirping happily, and ponies everywhere were enjoying the day. Two pegasi friends were chatting at Summer Flight Camp, a homesick filly was deep in thought, a young unicorn was bustling about, a bright pink pony was pushing rocks, and the Princess was doing a quick check through with the castle staff.
This day was in stark contrast to how things were going in the shadows of the Changeling Kingdom.
The changelings had been forced out of Equestria long ago, and they’d been starving ever since. Occasionally, an especially gifted shapeshifter would sneak into one of the smaller towns in Equestria and managed to feed off their love, getting just enough to bring back to the kingdom. Additionally, they would feed on the innocence of woodland creatures, but it was just not as filling as the samples of pony love that was brought back to them.
The leader of the changelings, King Imago, was desperate to get his people back into Equestria. He had sent a letter to Princess Celestia a little more than a decade ago, pleading with her. He tried to explain that the changelings could feed on love without harming anyone, and that their two peoples could live as one. He even tried to appeal to her by reminding her that he was actually half unicorn, “proof” that the two races could live in peace. Celestia felt pity for the creatures, but remembered centuries ago when changelings and ponies lived together. Shortly after the turning of Nightmare Moon, the changelings had attempted to rise up against Celestia.
And thus, King Imago’s request was politely declined, covered up by some poor excuse that the ponies wouldn’t take kindly to immigrants. The King regretfully came to realize that if his people were to eat, they would need to take Equestria by force.
Today was when he planned to strike. Or rather, he would send in his daughter, Princess Chrysalis, in to cause a diversion while the others invaded. King Imago felt bad that he was sending his daughter to the front of the battle, but she her powers of shapeshifting were the strongest he’d seen, even stronger than he. She had even learned a special spell that would let her take control of a being for a short time, a most valuable weapon.
Imago and Chrysalis were hidden in the royal labyrinth, peering through the hedge. “Now, remember Lis, Princess Celestia is the most powerful being in the world. You need to be very careful.”
The young changeling had been taken by the strong aroma of love, but then rolled her eyes slightly. “I KNOW, Papa.” she murmured dryly. “She could kill me with a single twinge of her magic. We’ve been over this a thousand times, and I’ve been through soooo much training! I’m not that little you know!”
Imago’s brows merged. “I know that, Lis. But I’m your father; it’s my job to be worried. Especially when you’re going up against the Alicorn Princess!”
Chrysalis frowned up at her father, searching his face. It was creased with worry and age, not to mention the stress caused by caring for a starved race. Her expression softened, and she offered a weak smile to her elder. “I won’t let you down, Papa, I promise.”
King Imago bit the edge of his bottom lip. His little daughter was barely the size of a teen pony, and her wings hadn’t even fully grown in. He began to second-guess his plan, considering leaving right then and replanning for a different year when Chrysalis was older.
The Changeling Princess’ eyes narrowed. “Papa, I know that look. We’re not going home, we can’t! We’re so close to taking this place! This is the closest we’ve ever gotten to the castle! Celestia will be here soon, we know her schedule, and we know that she always takes walks alone through the royal garden at noon! It’ll go off without a hitch!”
Imago sighed at the stubbornness of his daughter. She was so eager to prove herself. “Alright, alright. Let’s get this over with.”
Chrysalis grinned brightly at her father before squeezing her eyes shut. Her horn began to emit a emerald green glow, and the little princess began to change. The hollowness of her legs and horn mended, her swamp of a mane shortened and became more hair-like, and her wings began to furl into her back. Her fur changed from a washed out black to a pearly cream, while her mane and tail shifted to pink with peach-orange highlights. Her fangs became dull and blunt, flattening out into pony teeth. Finally, her size scaled down so she looked like a young filly.
Opening her now orange eyes, the changeling-turned-pony smiled in triumph, doing a little twirl in front of her father. “Did I miss anything?” she asked, her voice now bell-like.
Imago smiled proudly at his daughter. “Nope. Now where in Equestria did you find a little filly like that?”
“The silly little thing was wandering too close to the Everfree, so I followed her to a cave, tied her up, and practiced getting her just right.” she boasted proudly.
“Well you certainly did a good job.” the King murmured.
“Thanks Papa! I tho-”
The changeling was cut off by the sound of humming. The foreigners gasped and peered once more through the hedge. Princess Celestia was slowly making her way through the garden, humming a tune to herself as she did so.
“Quickly! Do your thing!” Imago whispered to his daughter, quickly shapeshifting into a blue bird, then perching in the hedge.
Chrysalis nodded quickly and ran deeper into the labyrinth. When she was sure she was deep enough in, she sat down on her pony rump and cried. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” she screamed, alligator tears running down her cheeks.
Just as planned, Celestia heard the crying and gazed with concern at the labyrinth. She quickly trotted through the entrance and around a few bends, only to find a young unicorn all alone. “Oh my…”
The unicorn sniveled and gazed up at the Princess with big, watery eyes. “W-Who are you? ….Princess?”
Celestia smiled. “Yes, it’s just me. Are you okay little one? What in Equestria are you doing here all by yourself?”
The unicorn sniffed, pushing a bit of her peachy mane out of her face. “Well, I left home early this morning to come see the garden. My momma promised she’d take me today, but…she had to go to the hospital last night…”
Sympathy spilled across Celestia’s face. “Oh, you poor dear. Come with me, I’ll show you the way out and give you a tour of the garden.”
The little unicorn grinned brightly, wiping away her tears. “Really?! You’d do that for me?”
“Of course! Any of my subjects are important to me, no matter how small.” Celestia said, helping the unicorn to her hooves. “Come along now.”
The unicorn happily trotted after the Princess, winking at a certain blue bird before leaving the labyrinth. I can’t believe she’s buying this!
“So, what’s your name anyways?”
“My name is Peachie Pie, your Highness.”
“Peachie Pie, it matches your mane quite well.”
“Thank you, ma’am!”
As Celestia led the imposter child through the garden, ‘Peachie Pie’ was counting backwards in her head. In a few minutes, her magic would be back to full power, and she would take on the Princess.
“…and this is the statue of Discord, spirit of Disharmony.” Celestia was saying.
Peachie Pie gazed up at the statue. It looked like someone had assembled random animal parts together and brought it to life. She made a slight face, then followed Celestia to the next statue.
A flush of magic washed through her, and she realized it was time. She smiled, “Excuse me, Princess?”
“Yes?” Celestia asked, smiling at the unicorn.
“Why are there only ponies living in Equestria?” she asked innocently.
Celestia blinked. “Whatever do you mean? There are griffons and minotaurs and dragons here in Equestria, not just ponies.”
“That’s not what I was talking about.” said Peachie Pie, frowning and shaking her head. “I’m talking about the Changelings.”
Celestia blinked in surprise. “Changelings? Where did you hear about those? They’re…unnatural, little one.”
Peachie’s eyes flashed green-blue and venomous. “Unnatural?” she hissed, her voice contorting to a growl. “Is that you’re polite term for ‘rubbish’?”
Celestia took a step back, unsure of what was going on. “What ARE you?” she asked after a pause.
With a green flash, Peachie was replaced with Princess Chrysalis. “The future of Equestria!” she screamed, jumping at Celestia.
The alicorn had no time to react, and the changeling was weaving a spell to latch onto Celestia’s mind to take momentary control. Recovering, Celestia pushed Chrysalis out, then pinned her to the ground with her horn.
“You changelings never learn! Why can’t you just stay out of Equestria!” she shouted. Suddenly, the Princess was tackled to the ground after a flash of black.
In the impact, Chrysalis was released, and she jumped up to see King Imago wrestling Celestia to the ground. The changelings eyes widened.
“Papa, NO!” she screamed.
“Enough of this!” Celestia yelled, slamming Imago into the ground with her magic. “Never again will your kind invade our home! This ends NOW!”
Imago charged up his horn with his dull blue magic, but it was a lost cause. Celestia blasted the King with powerful magic, causing his form to glow brightly and change. He stared up at his daughter in horror before his face was swallowed up by the glow.
“NOOOOOOO!” Chrysalis screamed again, running to her father. She ran face first into a force shield, a bubble of yellow magic keeping the little princess away.
The glow died down and to the horror of Chrysalis, her father was no more. Where his form once lay was a single rose sprouting from the ground, its petals black and its leaves a greenish blue. The shield melted away and the princess collapsed next to her transformed father.
Celestia gazed at Chrysalis with slight pity, but knew that the daughter must also pay the price for trespassing. Perhaps the other changelings would leave if their rulers never came back. Her horn began to once again charge up with her yellow magic.
Four things happened next, and it all seemed to move in slow motion. First, Chrysalis turned around to lock hateful eyes with Celestia; then, a bright rainbow explosion filled the sky; next, the Changeling Princess felt a surge of magical power; and finally, Chrysalis propelled herself at top speed at Celestia.
After a scream cut short, Celestia was no longer herself. Her mind had been taken over by an enraged changeling, and she was determined to ruin Equestria now. Chrysalis completely forgot about the rest of the invasion plan, this was all about revenge now.
A sudden blast of crackling, raw magic, followed by an enormous dragon caught Chrysalis’ attention. It was coming from one of the many towers of Canterlot. What in the world? she thought, her eyes narrowing. Might as well check it out... She flew up to the tower with ease, quite liking the alicornian wings she now controlled.
Gliding through the window, she spotted a purple filly unicorn, eyes glowing and magic out of control. Blasts of power were ravaging all across the room, and some prestigious unicorns were floating in the air, at the mercy of the child.
Chrysalis' eyes widened, taking in the power she saw. A unicorn so powerful at such a young age? No! I won't allow it! I'm going to nip this in the bud.
And ‘Celestia’ knew just how to handle this…
“ENOUGH!” she yelled, discovering the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice.
The purple unicorn abruptly stopped her magic, all of the effects reversing. She stared up in fear at the Princess. Chrysalis almost felt a pang of pity, this unicorn reminded her a bit of herself when she was young. But nonetheless, she needed to be harsh.
“How DARE you?” she boomed. “Such magic needs to be disciplined, not just thrown around! Certainly not in MY kingdom!”
The purple unicorn sniffled, holding back tears. “I-I’m sorry, P-Princess…” she whispered.
“Sorry? You’re sorry?!” She leaned down so she was eye to eye with the unicorn, glaring. “Sorry doesn’t fix your behavior!”
A unicorn, who Chrysalis presumed was the purple ones mother, interrupted. “But, your highness! She’s just a little filly! She’ll learn!”
‘Celestia’ spun around to glare down at the unicorn. “You defy my word?” she hissed. She then turned back to the purple one. “Dishonor your princess, and you will pay the price! I hereby banish you, little unicorn, to live out the rest of your days in the EVERFREE FOREST!”
A collective gasp was shared throughout the room. The filly burst into tears.
“P-p-p-please, Princess! I’ll be good, I promise! Please please please don’t send me to Everfree!” she sobbed.
“Still you argue with your Princess? Fine, a further price you shall pay!”
‘Celestia’ then blasted a ray of emerald green magic at the filly’s parents, changing the father into a blue lily and the mother into a purple and white tulip. Chrysalis figured that she’d keep up with the flower pattern, considering that the alicorn did it often.
The little unicorn gasped. “Mom, Dad, NO!”
“Now, be gone with you!” the Princess demanded, stamping her hooves on the flowers.
The unicorn bawled, racing out of the room as fast her little hooves could carry her. Chrysalis grinned a little, but only for have wrecking the reputation of the Princess. She sighed mentally, realizing that she had just put a younger child through the same ordeal she had just dealt with.
She scoffed, then spread her wings and sailed out of the window. 'Celestia' swooped down at the nearest guards and charged up her horn. "Oh my, it seems you've been demoted, fellows." she said with a devious shift of her brow. Unleashing her magic, it settled around the two guards.
After a flash of light, the two guards were frozen in a state of surprise, locked within an orange crystal. Several unicorns were staring at Celestia and the frozen guards, shocked. Some of them even ran away screaming, while others just weren't sure how to react.
A shimmering gold sign caught Chrysalis' attention. Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, it read in large, block letters. Chrysalis darted to the school, her eyes glinting evilly. As she entered the door, she looked around quickly.
Library, library... she pondered. I need to find where they keep all their pesky information. Aha!
Down the hall, the "library" sign was sticking out from the wall, above a doorway. Chrysalis jetted down the hall in a few moments and hooked through the doorway.
"Oh, Princess!" the librarian said, looking happy but nervous. "I wasn't expecting you today, how are you?"
'Celestia' glared down her muzzle. "Get out." she said in a low tone.
"Huh? But..."
"NOW!"
The librarian quickly ran out the door, fear in her eyes. Chrysalis grinned, taking in the sight of all of the books in the library. "Some very powerful unicorn spells and knowledge are held here... Or at least, they were..."
Touching the alicorns horn to the carpet of the library, a few sparks flew off it and lit. Chrysalis chuckled as the small flame grew into an inferno and began engulfing the shelves of books. "And now the unicorns will no longer be well informed!"
Feeling her hold over Celestia fading, Chrysalis left the school as fast as the Equestrian Princess' wings could carry her.
Sad? Murder,conspiracies and such i would say Dark rather then sad.
Your beginning is rather cliched. I'd only use to really poke fun at something. And either the placement or the blandness of the sentance about woodland creatures seems awkward. Over all actually your writing seems bland and rushed. Go into more detail of surroundings or thoughts. Develop your characters. Also how could Celestia not connect a talk about changlings and a change in appearence? You got an ok idea you need to work on your writing though.
Hmm.... I'm curious enough to follow this and hold off judgement until I see where this goes. Yes, as some others said, a bit cliche, but the start of a story isn't the best indicator of where the writer will take it once they improve.
Keep going *thumbs up*
Wait, so Celestia and Chrysalis became one being or something like that?
2162191 Not exactly. Chrysalis has used a spell to momentarily take over Celestias mind, but only her nervous system and such.
2162117 Thanks for not judging my stuff so quickly!
2161989 As for the whole cliched thing, I'm kind of writing this on a whim. If I'd gone into proper planning, I would have made my own illustration, had a better, more thoughtful title, and would have some friends read through it first. But again, I literally just wrote this last night, quickly while it was in my head.As for the woodland creatures thing, I admit that that was thrown in last second. However, if I hadn't, I'm quite sure someone would have said "How are they not dead from starvation????" Now, the thing about Celestia. She was mostly caught off guard by the fact that anyone would know about the changelings in the first place, as they've been gone for hundreds of years and she thought she was speaking to a 6-ish year old pony. I have good writing skills, I just haven't written anything in awhile.
2161800 Hmmm, I guess you have a point... In all honesty, I didn't intend to make it so dark when I sat down and started typing.
2162267
I just meant the first couple of sentences. I'll keep an eye on this.
too dark for no reason.. sorry.
2162457 I don't exactly understand how you find this "too dark". There's no blood, no cursing, no killing, no blood thirsty monsters. What about it do you find dark?
Feedback time.
OK, it's your first ponyfic, and I'd just like to say thanks for taking the time to think of an actual story and not writing a second person shipfic. However there are things you need to work on.
The most noticeable problem with the story is that characters seem to do things for strange reasons. Firstly, there's a race of shapeshifters by birth that for some reason can't sneak into an entire country. You should explain how the ponies are protecting themselves to make the threat seem more serious. If you don't it just makes me think they must be stupid or something.
After starving of love, the best plan they can come up with is to send their king and queen deep into hostile territory alone, to fight the enemy queen in hoof to hoof combat. Surely there is a safer option than that? Also, it's confusing why a bug race would have a king. Most people assume the changling queen is like a bee queen and produces all the offspring. There's nothing that says you change that to something else, but you should try to make it sound like you have a solid idea of the world you are writing in by explaining.
So, Chrysalis gets mad and takes over Celestia, then for some reason, she goes to antagonize Twilight. Why does this happen? Does she care about the building? Couldn't she have picked any pony to start her revenge with? I would be intimidated if I saw Twilight destroy a building. Does she know in advance that Twilight is going to be Celestia's student? Has she been watching the show? It all seems too unlikely.
Kazlene is right about the start. Just rewrite the first one paragraph now before anyone else see's it. Begin with anything but 'It was a sunny day in Equestria.'
Overall the story flow and writing style is good. The idea is worth persuing. You have a few problems with comma splicing and cliche's, but the story isn't bad.
Hope it helps. Good luck.
2163349 Okey dokey.
About the changelings being unable to get into Equestria, I was actually planning on getting further into it in the second chapter. It mostly has to do with unicorn magic and Celestia's protection spells and such. To be perfectly honest, I didn't include that because I didn't want the prologue to be so long that some people would completely not bother to read it.
Again, that has to do with unicorn magic. Since Imago and Chrysalis are both part unicorn, they'd be able to get through the boundaries and spells raising little to no alert. There were a group of changelings waiting on the border, but I guess I didn't really make that clear enough. I was originally going to follow the idea that they were insect-like and had more of a hive than anything, but then I read more about the changelings and Chrysalis on the Wiki (I know, not exactly reliable), and it didn't seem to mention them as being a "hive" of creatures. In fact, Chrysalis was given her name before actual design, and it was her name itself that inspired the buggy look. But I'm getting off topic. I kind of wanted to explore a loving father-daughter relationship in which Imago was the closest one to Chrysalis, and she would be willing to do anything for him, especially in vengeance. I dunno, I guess in a way I kind of felt that a king would fit better, especially since in the song she sang in Canterlot Wedding Part 2 she mentioned she had "no room in her heart" for a groom. I figured that maybe the only one she could ever really love was her father, who was taken away from her. Sorry for the long response for this part
This also has to do with the fact that I didn't want the prologue to be too long I had a whole section typed out where Chrysalis sets fire to the library that's part of the unicorns school and starts trapping members of the royal guard in crystals, but I left it out because of insecurities about length.
Blah, you're right. That beginning is going to be the end of me.
Thank you very much for your constructive criticism. Yes, comma splicing has always been a problem of mine. Sadly, I'm taught English by a teacher who can't spell, so it's a little difficult for me to fix it.
2164538 I would think it would be worth it to add the extra details to the prologue. You can just briefly touch on them. That should be good enough to satisfy readers for a while.
Also, if there's a big magic shield protecting the country from changlings, then you have the additional problem of explaining why nopony knows what a changling is when there's a huge shield over the whole country because of them.
The comma splicing isn't a big deal. Just keep writing, and look out for them until they go away.
It's feasible for the shield to be invisible, have any of you read the Xanth books by piers Anthony?
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poor twilight