Due to the persuasion of her friend Rarity, Applejack decides to go speed-dating in Canterlot. She becomes more comfortable around the kindly Heart Cross, but a secret he keeps threatens to tear the relationship apart forever.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 17th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 20th, 2021
aricaitlyn
Ari / 21 / she/her / more active on AO3 as aricaitlyn!
aricaitlyn
Joined 17th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SerenityViewer · 4.3k words · 26 2 · 1.4k views
- Crystalis McCloud · 13k words · 22 4 · 887 views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.171 seconds
Total duration
1,011 users online
50,774 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is much better! More detail, some comedy, and a longer chapter! Good work!
better
The others have mentioned that you have done better, however it still could have improvements.
Such as the portion where Applejack had decided that she would see Rarity, it wasn't mentioned that Applejack even told the reason for her coming. Yet, Rarity seemed to know, without mention that Applejack would have been coming to see about speed-dating. The style of look selected for Applejack could have added details, also something on Heart Cross, on the next chapter. On the side note as well, I don't think I could imagine Applejack gasping either. It's most likely due to the common impression of gasping, but it does not seem to match Applejack's characteristics. One extra thing, sorry to bother again. However, on this portion for example -
Rarity growled angrily and grabbed Sweetie Belle by the hoof. "We're going home," she muttered, trotting off.
"Well, Ah guess we're done here," Applejack said to the two fillies remaining. She led them home.
"Sis, why aren't you seein' a colt like Rarity?" Apple Bloom asked.
Seems a very fast transition, perhaps you should slow down a tad? Either way I hope to see this improve, will leave a favorite for the meantime.
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx
2897452
You make a good point.
Nearly every time I add to a story, whether it's a long one-shot like this one or a multiparter, I make edits to my chapters.
Fast transitions are my thing; the words fly into my head just as fast as they end up onscreen. And the rest, now that you mention it, does seem a little iffy.
Thanks for the critique. I liked the quote
2907016
2907957
I really enjoy reading your critiques.
Also, you're not the first to mention that the story is fast-paced and rushed. Most of my readers say that.
How can I work on that to better myself as an author?
2908054
The words come quickly, and I either don't listen to music or I play brony/rock music while I write. Since the general idea just comes to me as I write, I really don't get to fill in the in-betweens and details.
Not to mention that I'm still new to writing. Everyone had beginnings, even Batman.
I see things in a very detailed way mentally. Say that the cafe Applejack and Heart Cross met in was medium-sized and had a dark interior. You don't know that; I never even mentioned it once! In my writing mindset, I regard most detail as "filler", even if the really important details matter the most.
In very rare cases, I write the story on paper before submitting it anywhere online. This is probably my only example. I originally wrote this about two years ago, in between seasons 1 and 2.
Would prewriting help? I despise prewriting with all my heart, but if it will help me improve, then I should consider it, right? Right?!
2908275
Hey, I made some major edits to the story. Do you wanna run through it again to see if it's better/worse/the same?
3127866
Take your time. I'm just happy about my work.
3203704
Awesome! Glad you like it! I'm really excited as to how this will go on, too.
Whens the next chapter?
3238127
This is a one-shot, not divided into chapters. I plan on uploading more soon, so hit that fancy "Watch" button and wait.
That took a dark turn. You elaborated to what happens to a pony's cutie mark once they reveal their changeling nature. He felt pity, and I'll be damned, you did a fine job on this one!
3357071
3357072
3357077 Emoticon fight?
3357082 No, save that for political debates
3357085 Yeah, I'd rather not. I'm preoccupied writing the next chapter of Messages from Canterlot High! Are you excited, because I'm excited.
3357089 I AM :D
3357120
I have no idea how to end this! Send me a private message; we'll call this a collab between writers.
3368692 Wait, WHAT?! @~@
3368714 Or, y'know, whatever you want to do is fine.
3368726 I am just shocked you'd be willing to collab! PM me after four today (unless you're in a different time zone or something)
3368732 Oh, sorry! I had my friend over!
Whenever you can, shoot me a PM. I'll respond when I can.
3374340 ok
This looks like it could be an interesting story, beginning was really interesting, but I was kids shocked by the sudden change of pace when they got to the Changeling's place, although, it does sound interesting , so I can't wait to see where it goes.
3849695 Thanks for the constructive criticism and the favorite; I really appreciate it!
Oh, and I love your icon.
No problem, I'm just getting started on this site myself, trying to write decent fanfiction on the world's slowest computer.
BTW Ton Nook is always watching, wondering why you aren't paying your rent. XD
3849743 (I'm actually trying to pay off my rent ingame hahah)
I've been away for a while, (I hope my Lion villager hasen't eaten all of the herbivore villagers yet) dosent help 3 of my townspeople are pigs tho.
3849805 *Drags self in* Here's your 98,000 bells. And, no, i don't want to expand yet.
Great story! But why is it not full? The story itself looks like something, what could be expanded into a series.
Are you still working on this?