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Twilight awakes in a foreign bed after a very rough Pinkie Pie party of drinking and partying. Things quickly go down hill when she finds out that she has some how swapped places with her teacher Celestia, and no pony seems indifferent about it including Princess Luna, who is adamant that she is her older sister.
When she approaches her former teacher about it, things might not be so easy as waiting the spell to run it's course.
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AN -
not dead yet - just very busy
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I likes it. Pinkie Approved
It's Applejack. One word.
Sorry, it's just one of my pet peeves.
Exactly.
You would do well to get an editor.
Look at: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=97 for help finding one.
Here are some spelling mistakes.
“To the library and ill explain” Celestia said as they pair of them teleported away to the library. I'll
“Of course Twilight, let Luna know I said high” Celestia said back. hi
Those are a few but you have an interesting premise so don't let those errors keep you from writing. A helpful way to spot those mistakes is to read what you have written out loud.
A few errors that I noticed, but otherwise an interesting story. I can't wait to see where this goes.
1250107
I strongly second this. The concept is entertaining and reasonably well done but it definitely needs some editing help. If you get a solid editor this could be a very good story. It does need work to get there though.
Thanks to all that comments. Its much appreciated - its nice to receive constructive criticism from time to time
-Updated first chapter to fix obvious mistakes
1250642
Good story so far!! /)*(\
Good concept..... Bad grammar.
Horrific grammar. Poor spelling. But the story is bloody awesome.
Have 4/5 Moustaches.
“Princess, I didn’t know that you were coming her. If I did then I would have organised something for you...” Celestia stammered. Only to have Twilight raises her hoof to speak; Like Celestia would to her when she ranted on about menial things.
Unfortunately I can use this one passage to point out several things.
First - "Princess, I didn’t know that you were coming her." A spellchecker of some kind is going to help clear things up and make the story easier to read. Even then you should read through your work at least once just looking for errors - "...her." would slip passed a computer, but not a reader.
Second - "Celestia stammered. Only to have Twilight..." The section "Only to have..." is a tie in between two parts of a sentence, so a comma would be a better choice than a period. Specific punctuation concerns aren't as easy to identify with a program, but just like spelling you should be reading through your work to catch and edit such things.
Third - "Only to have Twilight raises..." There's a conflict of tense. Most of your story is in past tense ("Celestia stammered..."), but you switched to the present tense for a moment there ("...Twilight raises...") Many programs will identify this sort of thing, but you should still be checking your own work to catch them.
Fourth - "Like Celestia would to her when she ranted on about menial things." Editing for content part one. The word menial brings to mind activities are either servant-like, or that you are forced to do and are insulting. I think you meant to use the word minor - things that aren't really important but Twilight freaks out about anyways. Double check to make sure that what you write will say what you mean. Unfortunately an editor can only do so much here, so you should really practice doing this for yourself.
Fifth - Editing for content part two. Elaborate! Clarify! I think that you could include a bit more information and really flesh out your scenes. What would Celestia organize for Twilight? A party? A parade? A private dinner for two? (Forget that last one!) What was something silly that Twilight freaked out about? How does Celestia react to being silenced by the same gesture that she is so fond of using? There are so many places in your story that I simply wanted to see more information about what was happening. Including some detail everywhere will help us see the scene as you do, provide better context for pretty much everything, and also prevent the story from seeming rushed.
Despite the impromtu editing session, I love the concept behind your story. The idea of Celestia body swapping to take a day off is pretty funny by itself. The entire premise is a bit thoughtless on Celestia's part, since she not only steals someone's body, but she steals a drunk's body, but it just begs to be explored. What would Celestia and Twilight do with their time as the other? What mistakes will they make?
And I really think you should rework this story so that Celestia somehow acquired Twilight's hangover...
Potential. Tracking.
I liked this very much and can't wait to see where it is going.
Celestia: "Sorry I cast a spell on you without your permission, and goofed it up, and potentially doomed Equestria..."
Twilight: "Then what do you have to say for yourself?"
Celestia: "Uh... Oops?"
Brohoof for the M*A*S*H reference, but you really do need an editor. Preferably one who is a native English speaker. (In case English is not your first language, of course)
You need a proof-reader.
The errors are too many speed-bumps.
I could not get into the story at all. All of the grammar errors were like some sort of force-field. But the concept was good enough for me to keep trying.
You really need to have this properly edited. And who-ever does it is really in for a challenge.
I could try to do it myself, but I dont think I have the time.
Hmm. I am aware it's been said already, but... good concept, rather poor editing. Not that I'm one to talk about poor editing, really.
It's certainly interesting enough for me to read on, in any case. Good luck.
Nice but had taken a little bit long
With precision of a hawk with a sniper rifle,
BEST LINE EVER
IT'S ALIVE!
Great job on this one.
Interesting idea but it's riddled with too many spelling and grammatical errors for me to be able to read comfortable. The amount of missing capital letters, punctuation, proper grammar, etc, was simply too jarring for me to be able to read all the way through.
I do believe however, that if you took the time to read through it carefully and correct the technical errors, that the story itself could be much better.
-Dash
1250642global3.memecdn.com/still-waiting_o_207253.jpg
That cliffhanger, evil. And take your time, don't rush it.
yes yes it is starting
This is why Celestia pisses me off. Acting all high and mighty and "I'm on break, so I'll let the noob handle it." and shit. I just wanna punch her in the face.
This is still an amazing story. Things took a serious turn, i kinda expected things to stay in comedy mode
Take as much time as you want or need. All of your faithful readers will still be here.
Remember ... the world ends on the 21st so ... get to writing!
One word; proofread.
Again; Proofreading. Your fine-toothed comb appears to be broken.
*I's need to be capitalized
*needs punctuation
*walked; needs punctuation
*Dash," she
*"Oh," or "Oh!"; needs punctuation
*Needs capitalization
*"said. 'Don't" or "said, 'don't"
*I's need to be capitalized; cast
*No, I
Most of these issues are just capitalizing I's and the first words of a sentence, and making sure to have punctuation at the end of a sentence. There may be more of these that I have missed. I also feel that there are many places where commas would be appropriate (for instance, at the end of a quotation or after an interjection), but I didn't put those here.
Boy, Celestia really dropped the ball on this one. And that's not something you want to happen when the ball being carried is the Sun.
Interesting.
So STILL ON HIATUS... WELL FUCK... ISN'T Two years of it enough
Nice.
Until the end, I was thinking it was a chapter from another story that got posted in this one by error. I'm still not sure that's not the case.
Why? Simple: In the previous chapter, Twilight, temporarily bearing the sun in Celestia's stead, was preparing to go rescue her (for now) teacher with her brother's help.
Or is this story missing some chapters between the 3th and the (
presentlypreviously) 4th?Edit: Okay, it WAS missing a chapter. It's nothing, that kind of error can append.
On hiatus? It just got a chapter though...
Maybe I will save this one for next time...
More!!!
This is going to bother me for a while:
That right there is a double negative, which makes the sentence mean: Everypony is <insert antonym for indifferent here>. And I'm pretty sure that's NOT what you intended
You... SERIOUSLY need a pre-reader, like... wow. I'm very interested in the premise, but this needs a lot of polishing.
Nice chapter.
is there going to be more to this ? another story, a sequel or ........ i really like this story
M.A.S.H. That show was just funny.
This was a great story. I enjoyed the whole thing.
The idea is interesting and the sentences aren't badly written or laid out; it's just in dire need of an editor to fix all the spelling mistakes, incorrect punctuation, etc.
Are you looking for/wanting an editor? Because I saw several grammatical errors in this chapter and would be happy to give editing it a try. Of course, if you don't want me to, that's fine too.
The emotions seemed a bit all over the place
May I edit for you?
Awww.... I was hoping they wouldn't switch and everyone would only remember Princess twi and Celly
All the typos and grammatical errors leave a bad first impression.
I really like this story hope you'll make a sequel