Princess Twilight
Twilight’s head felt really fuzzy and was getting worse by the second due to the infernal rapping on her door. Groaning she looked out of her window to notice that it was either really late at night or really early. She turned in bed and covered her head with the sheets when a voice joined in with the rapping.
“Sis get up, you need to raise the sun! Come on Twili’ get up” Came the soft spoken voice of Luna. Twilight’s brain was still half asleep as she got out of bed. Half her sight was blocked by her bed hair as she looked around for the offending noise. Turning she noticed the door as a few more raps confirmed that it was the source of the early morning wake up call. Opening the door revealed a rather annoyed looking Luna. She noted in her still booting mind that, for some odd reason, she was taller than her but it was Luna. The princess of the night currently standing at the door, looking annoyed still refused to compute with her brain.
“Urgh, I feel like I had a bad night with all the alcohol i drank. What happened last night princess? Can’t you do it?” she asked her mind not yet fully with it.
“Princess; Ha nice one ‘Twili, what has gotten into you by the way? Come on, stop playing games and get ready” Luna said leaving her standing in the doorway confused.
Twilight’s brain finally got its required start up when she proceeded to look into the mirror mounted on the dressing cabinet. Brushing her mane with the brush she found on the top, she noticed that her horn was significantly longer and slender at the tip.
“What the hay?” She asked as she was now fully awake, “where am I?” she asked looking around to notice that she was now endowed with a pair of wings, “What happened last night?” she asked no-one in particular. She looked like a slightly larger version of herself but had her once straight mane and tail was significantly more wavy and seemingly flowing with a magical wind that wasn’t actually there. Last thing she remembered was Pinkie Pie, one of her late night parties and herself getting rather smashed on Applejacks’ family cider. Something coming in from Celestia via Spike and then blacking out.
Twilight continued to refuse what she was seeing, but looking at the attire that was presented before for her, she couldn't deny the facts that was presented before her, she was a princess and she was in charge of the sun.
She noted that the attire was very similar if not the same as Celestia's, meaning that it consisted of 4 slippers, a Crown and matching chest piece that was actually a form of necklace that appeared to be a chest plate. All pieces were made of a dark purple metal, a shade lighter than her own coat, with inlaid diamond on the main chest and a single one in the crown.
Taking the chest plate in her magic, she placed it on to find that it fitted nicely. the crown sat behind her new horn and helped keeping her mane out of her face. She slipped on the shoes which were exactly like Luna’s in design, a wrapped Fleur De Lis. She would get answers from her, hopefully, but the shoes were very comfy and she would have to get a set when she figured out what was going on. one thing that she didn't think about was how they were staying on her hooves but dismissed it as magic.
But first she had a sun to rise as was her duty so Luna had said abruptly in the doorway. Well it should have been Celestia she controlled the sun and her sister Luna the moon. She quickly decided, after a few minutes of wondering what she should do, that she needed to raise the sun as Celestia seemed to be either forgetting to do it, or something was wrong.
She concentrated and felt a small warm sphere. it was like trying to reach for something that was just out her hoof length. Concentrating on the sphere for a few moments her horn jerked to a point in the horizon, forcing her neck to crane down rather painfully, where the sun should have been. She struggled to move her neck back up, as she strained to do so she noticed that suns rays peaked over the forest. it was only then did she realise what she had just gone and done.
“I just forced the sun to rise.” Twilight said jaw agape, “Also why did I think Luna was my sister?” she asked herself admiring the sunrise she muttered a few ramblings under her breath as she headed towards the dining hall. Why this was happening she didn’t know, but after breakfast she would get answers. one way or another.
~0~0~
“Morning Spike, time to rise and shine” a white unicorn mare with a long light pink mane, a sun shaped cutie mark adorned her flank, with light purple eyes to offset the mane colour. She smirked at the sound of groans emitting from the basket that Spike was trying to get back to sleep. she knew that he was not one for the early mornings and liked to torment him about it when she got up earlier than him, on occasion.
“I hate how you are a morning person Celestia” Spike muttered getting up and noticing that the library was tidy as usual. But considering there had been a massive pile of books there last night before he had gone to bed from one of Celestia’s study nights. Now however there was no pile to be seen on the wooden floor.
“I know how much you wanted to spend the day with Rarity, so I cleaned up before sunrise” Celestia said, “Besides I promised I would go to the spa with Rainbow Dash today anyway” she said in her usual perky tone, “I won that bet. now she is going to come with me if she likes it or not”
“Thanks I guess” Spike said. He was about to continue, when he smelt breakfast. He didn't think that celestia could cook as he was the one to do so normally, thought the smell of fresh pancakes quickly flooded the young dragons mind making him drool slightly. “Smells so good” he muttered as though in a hypnotic trance, he walked into the kitchen to see that Celestia had cooked up a storm prior to waking him up.
All along the main table was a pair of plates adorned with pancakes and a small jusg of syrup on next to each. Spike eyed on of the plates as Celestia turned and giggled at the sight of him sitting there, drooling at the sight before him
“Eat up. There is more than enough food here for the both of us to have seconds” she said with a smile. As they began to eat there was a knock at the door that interrupted their morning breakfast, Spike groaned however Celestia got up “I got it” she said walking out to open the door.
Opening it she saw her friend Applejack. The farmer in her usual stetson raised an eyebrow at Celestia, something was wrong, but the farmer couldn’t put her hoof on the matter. it was as though something seemed off or she was expecting somepony else to answer the door. Shaking it off, Celestia noticed the concern on the farmers face and spoke up.
“AJ, good to see you, come in. We were just having breakfast. Did you want something? Or has Apple Bloom gotten herself stuck in a freezer again?” she asked the farmer. Applejack responded. With a shake of her head she dismissed the idea that had brought on a bad memory of that incident.
“Naw sugar cube thanks for the offer though. Ah just came round making sure everything is fine with you, after that party Pinkie threw yesterday night.” AJ said, “You weren’t the most sober pony there. Buht good to see you’re okay. Ya got much planned for today?”
“No not really. meeting up with Rainbow and heading to the spa after she lost that bet last week” Celestia stated
“Ah tha’ bet. wondering when you would call that one in. Well best get back to it” AJ said tipping her hat
“Right then, thanks for coming though AJ” Celestia said closing the door and sitting down to finish breakfast. she looked over at Spike before speaking again, “I’ll take you to Rarity’s then head to the spa after finding Rainbow Dash. It’s Always nice to have a day off” she said as she admired her cooking.
This was going to be a good day off.
~0~0~
Twilight sat at the table with her older sister, Luna, to her left. Luna wore her usual attire but in a slightly more silver colour than the deep midnight blue than she normally wore.
“Much planned for today Twili?” Luna asked, taking up some toast
“Sort of, I might need to head to Ponyville” Twilight said looking at the windows.
“Surprise visits to Celestia then? Bet she would be happy to see you again” Luna said over her juice
“Yeah you could say that. Luckily I planned a day off for today” Twilight admitted “court can be very tedious at the best of times”
“By the way i have to ask, what was with you this morning? You’re hard to get out of bed I must admit, but normally it doesn’t take me thirty minutes to get you up and raise the moon” Luna admitted as a servant pony moved the empty dishes away from the table.
Twilight and Luna both rose and began to walk through the castle.
“Sorry about that, but not everyone is an insomniac like you ‘Lulu” Twilight said. Noticing how her Luna’s face contorted at the comment ‘Lulu.
“What have I said about calling me ‘Lulu?” Luna asked as they stopped in front of one of the many stained glass windows; the one depicting the downfall of Nightmare Moon and the element bearers, however this one was off slightly.
“What have I said about calling me Twili?” she asked noticing the picture was slightly off as there were 2 white unicorns when she could have sworn one was purple at some point. Or was her mind playing tricks again.
“Touché; is there a problem ‘Twili? You seem to be losing yourself in thoughts a fair amount today. No wonder you wanted to head to Ponyville” Luna said. Twilight nodded.
“I best be off, otherwise my student might find out before I get there. Like last time. I must admit I hate royal receptions sometimes”
“Last time we had such a reception it was not particularly one I particularly like to remember” Luna said remembering the Nightmare night incident.
“Well I have a chariot waiting apparently. I must give credit where it’s due, Radar is very good at what he does. He even seems to know what I want well before I ask it of him” Twilight admitted to her older sister. Radar was a tan earth pony with spectacles that made him look like a nerd. His cutie mark was a radar dish, the reason was that he had an uncanny knack to be where you needed him most or even minutes prior. this little talent made him an excellent behind the scenes helper for a royal princess. “I best be off, otherwise the guards might get a little bit annoyed with me”
“Aye, that happens a lot lately. Good luck little sister and tell Celestia I said hi” Luna said as they parted ways.
Once twilight was out of hearing range Luna let out a massive breath of relief
“Next year, I’m going to be the one taking a day off and not you Celle” She said to no-pony in particular
~0~0~
“Celestia darling, how wonderful to see you again. Though I would have thought that you would be locked away in that library as usual, but seems that I am wrong yet again about you; Ah and I see why, Spike my dear a pleasure to see you again” Rarity said as Celestia walked into the boutique with Spike on her back.
“No problem Rarity. Besides, I promised Spike that he could have a day off and well today's that day. I’m sorry i can’t stay longer, I have a spa day with Rainbow dash” She said. Rarity raised a proverbial eyebrow
“I assume that Rainbow Dash didn’t like the spa that much. Or so she has told me”
“Well....I kind of let loose Pinkie Pie on her and said that if she wanted it to stop then she would have to come to the spa today” Celestia said. Both mares let out a laugh as Rainbow Dash landed at the front door to the boutique.
“Sup. Heard my name and decided to come and show you how awesome the Dash is” She said proudly. Only then did she notice the Cheeky grin on Celestia’s face “Oh” she said paling
“Yup, you are coming with me to the spa missy mush” Celestia said as she literally dragged Rainbow Dash out of the boutique with her literally kicking and screaming all the way down town.
“hmph, it would seem that she has quite a way with that stubborn mare” Rarity said as Applejack walked to the door. Not daring coming in as her hooves were muddy more than anything and she couldn’t stand a scolding by Rarity
“Well howdy Rarity, Ya ain't seen Twilight round here have ya? Been looking for her all day”
“Don’t you mean princess Twilight? Whatever would you be looking for her. You should really try Canterlot if you need her so badly and not around here”
“No i mean unicorn Twilight. You know, lavender mare, book worm, lives in the tree library in town, royal student to Celestia? Got drunk last night with Pinkie then played what appeared to be a massive game of chess combined with scrabble?” Applejack explained. The fashionista shook her head.
“Wasn’t that Celestia that did that last night? And since when did you get the names wrong? Celestia is Twilights student not the other way around” Rarity explained, leaving a perplexed Applejack standing there, “Did you hit your head last night or something like that?”
“Ugh never mind; if ya see her, let me know alright?” the farmer said, she turned around to leave as Rarity bid her goodbye.
“Of course I will. It’s not like she’s going to have a surprise visit to Ponyville today” Rarity said as Applejack walked toward the center of town, leaving Rarity to fuss over her designs at the boutique.
“Something is seriously wrong here; I know I have my facts right” she muttered to herself as she trudged back to the orchards, “but i know that i’m right, Twilight is my friend and Celestia is the princess so why is everypony acting so odd?”
~0~0~
“Oh that is so relaxing wouldn’t you agree RD?” Celestia asked as the two mares soaked in the sauna
“yeah I suppose so. Bad to time mention that I dye my mane and tail eh?” Rainbow said showing that her mane was indeed losing its colour and turning white in the sauna. Not that the mares cared, they were relaxing
“Ah, i always wondered that” Celestia said “I wonder, are clouds really comfy as you say they are; If so I would love to have one as a bed”
“Of course they are. Only way to sleep sometimes” Rainbow said as Aloe walks in
“Sorry to intervupt ladies, but Celestia, Princess Twilight is here and she vants to have a word with vou” she said with a slight French accent. Rainbow noted that Celestia seemed to simply lose all sense of conscious thought at the comment of her teacher wanting to speak to her.
~0~0~
Twilight stood outside the spa. She had asked Aloe to get Celestia as her conflicting thoughts were really getting on her nerves. Twilight watched as Celestia walked out. She was about the size of Rarity and thus Twilight was taller than her; a lot taller than her.
“Princess, I didn’t know that you were coming her. If I did then I would have organised something for you.” Celestia stammered. Only to have Twilight raises her hoof to speak; Like Celestia would to her when she ranted on about trivial things.
“I need to talk to you in private. I think you know exactly what is going on here” Twilight said as Celestia looked at her. She could tell that she was spooked about something or annoyed either or.
“But, nothing is going on here; this is how it always was supposed to be and today is our day off from our lives...opps” She let slip, “I can explain” she said as Twilight's face contorted with rage. She was right something had gone on last night.
“Then explain how I rounded up in a bedroom this morning with Luna rapping at my door claiming to be my sister! Or how I managed to raise the sun this morning” she demanded, making ponies around her look nervous
“To the library and I'll explain” Celestia said as they pair of them teleported away to the library They appeared in the centre of the main room. Twilight was still rather annoyed at how Celestia was acting towards her.
“Explain now” Twilight said stamping her foot sending a tremor Celestia gulped. Where she in any other position then she would have scolded Twilight then and there. But she couldn’t as she held the teachers role.
Like a cat admitting defeat Celestia sighed and began to explain what was going on
“Last night, I evoked a powerful spell that encompassed all of Equestria. The basis was that the whole of Equestria would wake up to a new Princess for a day or so then go back to what it was. I choose you Twilight, as being my student I thought that you could perhaps do with a change of pace or scenery, to replace me for 2 days. Today and tomorrow, you would feel the lap of luxury of all that royalty has to offer, fine foods and drink, Special treatment and of course free reign over the castle, things that I take for granted daily. In exchange I would take your place as a simple unicorn and experience 2 days in the life of someone without privileges. The spell altered the minds of your friends and thought that I was you and you were me. Simply put I casted a very complex body swap. Wow, never knew I could say all that without breathing in” Celestia said as she finished up, “I was hoping that you wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary as your mind should have tried to make you think that this was real and how it always was. Not for anything longer than 2 days, after that you and I would switch again and no one would be any wiser as this would have seemed like a dream. But it looks like I was wrong on that level too” she concluded trailing off at the end of the sentence.
“So this was just a way for you to get to know my life better? A way that you could witness for yourself what I do daily?” Twilight said raising an eyebrow at the idea
“well...yes and no. I don’t know if you have noticed, but I think the spell MAY have gone wrong as you weren’t supposed to be drunk at the time of casting. I cannot be sure, but i have a feeling that it may have. Call it a gut feeling”
“So you and I have swapped places and now you’re telling me this might be permanent!” Twilight said, her voice quivering in tone
“Sort of yes” Celestia said “Don’t worry, Luna knows of this and she will help you out”
“With what might i ask?” Twilight asked looking rather dazed “my sister helps me out greatly while we rule over Equestria. what just happened?”
“Don’t you remember what i was just talking about? The whole 'i casted a body swap spell and i think that it has backfired on me?'” Celestia said, “it seems that the spell wasn’t cast correctly or something clashed with the spell. Now we are seeing the repercussions of it”
“Of course how could I have guessed. you try this on me and it backfires. Luna says hi by the way. Enjoy your time off then, i'm going to head back to Canterlot” Twilight said, her head fuzzy from conflicting magic
“Of course Twilight, let Luna know I said hi” Celestia said back.
Twilight disappeared in a puff of purple magic and vanished leaving Celestia standing there sighing.
“I think I may have made a very big mistake. I need to find that spell again. Where in the name of Twilight did I leave it...? Oh barn hay it was in canterlot and in the royal archives” Celestia said, only realising that her plans for two days off had just gone rather sour for her indeed.
“Let’s hope this ends after the 2 days otherwise this may be either very good or very bad for me” she muttered heading back to the spa.
To be continued
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I likes it. Pinkie Approved
It's Applejack. One word.
Sorry, it's just one of my pet peeves.
Exactly.
You would do well to get an editor.
Look at: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=97 for help finding one.
Here are some spelling mistakes.
“To the library and ill explain” Celestia said as they pair of them teleported away to the library. I'll
“Of course Twilight, let Luna know I said high” Celestia said back. hi
Those are a few but you have an interesting premise so don't let those errors keep you from writing. A helpful way to spot those mistakes is to read what you have written out loud.
A few errors that I noticed, but otherwise an interesting story. I can't wait to see where this goes.
1250107
I strongly second this. The concept is entertaining and reasonably well done but it definitely needs some editing help. If you get a solid editor this could be a very good story. It does need work to get there though.
Thanks to all that comments. Its much appreciated - its nice to receive constructive criticism from time to time
-Updated first chapter to fix obvious mistakes
1250642
Good story so far!! /)*(\
Good concept..... Bad grammar.
Horrific grammar. Poor spelling. But the story is bloody awesome.
Have 4/5 Moustaches.
“Princess, I didn’t know that you were coming her. If I did then I would have organised something for you...” Celestia stammered. Only to have Twilight raises her hoof to speak; Like Celestia would to her when she ranted on about menial things.
Unfortunately I can use this one passage to point out several things.
First - "Princess, I didn’t know that you were coming her." A spellchecker of some kind is going to help clear things up and make the story easier to read. Even then you should read through your work at least once just looking for errors - "...her." would slip passed a computer, but not a reader.
Second - "Celestia stammered. Only to have Twilight..." The section "Only to have..." is a tie in between two parts of a sentence, so a comma would be a better choice than a period. Specific punctuation concerns aren't as easy to identify with a program, but just like spelling you should be reading through your work to catch and edit such things.
Third - "Only to have Twilight raises..." There's a conflict of tense. Most of your story is in past tense ("Celestia stammered..."), but you switched to the present tense for a moment there ("...Twilight raises...") Many programs will identify this sort of thing, but you should still be checking your own work to catch them.
Fourth - "Like Celestia would to her when she ranted on about menial things." Editing for content part one. The word menial brings to mind activities are either servant-like, or that you are forced to do and are insulting. I think you meant to use the word minor - things that aren't really important but Twilight freaks out about anyways. Double check to make sure that what you write will say what you mean. Unfortunately an editor can only do so much here, so you should really practice doing this for yourself.
Fifth - Editing for content part two. Elaborate! Clarify! I think that you could include a bit more information and really flesh out your scenes. What would Celestia organize for Twilight? A party? A parade? A private dinner for two? (Forget that last one!) What was something silly that Twilight freaked out about? How does Celestia react to being silenced by the same gesture that she is so fond of using? There are so many places in your story that I simply wanted to see more information about what was happening. Including some detail everywhere will help us see the scene as you do, provide better context for pretty much everything, and also prevent the story from seeming rushed.
Despite the impromtu editing session, I love the concept behind your story. The idea of Celestia body swapping to take a day off is pretty funny by itself. The entire premise is a bit thoughtless on Celestia's part, since she not only steals someone's body, but she steals a drunk's body, but it just begs to be explored. What would Celestia and Twilight do with their time as the other? What mistakes will they make?
And I really think you should rework this story so that Celestia somehow acquired Twilight's hangover...
Potential. Tracking.
I liked this very much and can't wait to see where it is going.
Celestia: "Sorry I cast a spell on you without your permission, and goofed it up, and potentially doomed Equestria..."
Twilight: "Then what do you have to say for yourself?"
Celestia: "Uh... Oops?"
Brohoof for the M*A*S*H reference, but you really do need an editor. Preferably one who is a native English speaker. (In case English is not your first language, of course)
You need a proof-reader.
The errors are too many speed-bumps.
I could not get into the story at all. All of the grammar errors were like some sort of force-field. But the concept was good enough for me to keep trying.
You really need to have this properly edited. And who-ever does it is really in for a challenge.
I could try to do it myself, but I dont think I have the time.
Hmm. I am aware it's been said already, but... good concept, rather poor editing. Not that I'm one to talk about poor editing, really.
It's certainly interesting enough for me to read on, in any case. Good luck.
Interesting idea but it's riddled with too many spelling and grammatical errors for me to be able to read comfortable. The amount of missing capital letters, punctuation, proper grammar, etc, was simply too jarring for me to be able to read all the way through.
I do believe however, that if you took the time to read through it carefully and correct the technical errors, that the story itself could be much better.
-Dash
One word; proofread.
*I's need to be capitalized
*needs punctuation
*walked; needs punctuation
*Dash," she
*"Oh," or "Oh!"; needs punctuation
*Needs capitalization
*"said. 'Don't" or "said, 'don't"
*I's need to be capitalized; cast
*No, I
Most of these issues are just capitalizing I's and the first words of a sentence, and making sure to have punctuation at the end of a sentence. There may be more of these that I have missed. I also feel that there are many places where commas would be appropriate (for instance, at the end of a quotation or after an interjection), but I didn't put those here.
Boy, Celestia really dropped the ball on this one. And that's not something you want to happen when the ball being carried is the Sun.
You... SERIOUSLY need a pre-reader, like... wow. I'm very interested in the premise, but this needs a lot of polishing.
M.A.S.H. That show was just funny.
The idea is interesting and the sentences aren't badly written or laid out; it's just in dire need of an editor to fix all the spelling mistakes, incorrect punctuation, etc.
Are you looking for/wanting an editor? Because I saw several grammatical errors in this chapter and would be happy to give editing it a try. Of course, if you don't want me to, that's fine too.
All the typos and grammatical errors leave a bad first impression.