The Onion: Equestrian Bureau

by The Read Later List

“Princess Luna is Taking the Kids Again, Dear,” Comments Multiple Canterlot Residents

Canterlot, Equestria- Upon witnessing his children once again floating out of their bed and into the open night sky, Canterlot resident Malt Shake sighed, put down his newspaper, and reported to his wife that the Princess of the Night once again abducted their two foals.

“Yeah, this happens all the time,” said Malt Shake offhoofedly to one of our reporters while finishing his crossword puzzle. “I’m sure she’ll bring them back eventually. I mean, she usually does anyway.” The stallion continued to take a sip of his coffee before turning back to his paper. “At first, I was a little concerned over the fact that my children- who are both unicorn by the way- floated out of the windows and into the sky where we could hear the faint singing of the second most powerful figure in our government. But after the first twenty times, we kind of just got used to it.”

Although many concerned parents have reported these foalnappings to the authorities, the Canterlot police chief has reportedly, “Ceased accepting complaints of the nature relating to said abductions.” When pressed for a comment, the chief stated: “Look, I don’t know what these ponies want me to do. It’s not like I can arrest her or anything. For Celestia’s sake, she’s a Princess! She even takes my daughter on these weird night flights with her! Little Snowball hasn’t gotten a good night of sleep in two months!”

While the parents of the foals are either past the point of caring, or too tired to raise any charges, sources confirmed that Princess Luna has been happier than she has ever been since her banishment ended. “Ah yes, we are most joyed to see that these young ones are enjoying the night as much as us. Ever since our flights began, we’ve been able to overcome the massive depression that has plagued us ever since our stay on the moon. For once... for once we feel happy.” A single tear rolled down our ruler’s face as she took off into the night sky to round up her “Children of the Night”, as she called them.

“Well,” said Malt Shake. “At least Celestia stopped taking our foals to her bedchambers during the day. Celestia knows what she did to them in there.”

Comments

[TwizzleDragon]

Comment.

[KetchupAndRice]

lol Celestia does the actual 'Gobbling'

[Smirkythread]

I feel as if this paper is reporting any old thing these days, what happened to the days of hard hitting reporters exposing Celestia's cake obsession? (Joking, joking)

[Tatsurou]

2959619
"Coming next issue:
Celestia + foals = Cake. Pinkie Pie reveals the secret recipe stolen by the Princess from the griffons, first arriving in Equestria as 'Cupcakes'."

[Smirkythread]

2959654
....Oh god, what have I done?

[ISKV]

"Outraged and shocked griffon tourists complain that the business "Hot Meat" was in fact a gay bar instead of a specialty restaurant."

"A cloud was confirmed to have not moved from its spot since the Discordian era."

"New airship security measures cause eighteen hundred deaths out of a test group of twenty."

And in local news, Granny Smith was discovered to be a Ter-mare-nator model T-890 after finally undergoing surgery for her hip.

[The Read Later List]

2959771 haha! Mind if I use one or two of these?

[ISKV]

2959813

Have fun.

[CartsBeforeHorses]

Yeah, I've seen that video. What an... odd... thing to make an MLP video for. I mean, the animation is very well done, but the concept seems a bit bizarre. Ah well, I guess that's art for ya.

[The Read Later List]

2960266 Dude! I got my first downvote! Noo!

[CartsBeforeHorses]

2960271 Dude quit complaining. You're lucky. Look at this bullshit.

None of these people ever thought to leave a comment as to what caused them to downvote. The comments on that story are nothing but positive. A lot of these downvotes were not accompanied by an increase in view count, so I know that these people didn't even read this story.

And this is a good story. At least, better than a lot of stuff I see sitting at 90%.

What's worse, is that their non-opinions have probably kept numerous people from reading this.

I swear, people are such dicks on this site.

[The Read Later List]

2960290 Haha, I didn't mean to complain. But I was so close to breaking 100 upvotes without any downers. So close!

[CartsBeforeHorses]

2960628 Yeah, and that's probably why they downvoted it. They did it just to be a dick

[Fallen]

Regardless of what everyone else thinks.... this is downright hilarious

[The Read Later List]

3203225 Thanks for the help

[an1979]

OK finished all 38.
Most were hilarious.
Thumbs up!

PS.
Sorry for dumping some corrections all over place, in hindsight I should have made one post at the end with all of them.