The Onion: Equestrian Bureau

by The Read Later List

"I Am Your God Now," says Princess Twilight Sparkle

A photo taken of the princess after the assassination
Canterlot, Equestria- Standing over the freshly slain corpse of Princess Celestia, newly coronated Princess, Twilight Sparkle, licked a layer of leftover blood from her lips and shouted to the Royal Canterlot Congress that she was their God now.

After a carefully plotted assassination of Princess Celestia by her very own star pupil, Twilight Sparkle, the nation’s politicians were surprised by the bold claim of the newly coronated princess that she was indeed, Equestria’s primary deity. After licking the blood clean off of the dagger that had been plunged deep into the neck of Princess Celestia, Sparkle turned her attention to a slightly frightened Congress.

“Do not fear, my little ponies,” Sparkle stated, eyes wide open and beaming brightly. “You have been freed from the tyrannical rule of this dried up old hag. You have a new God now...” Immediately, Sparkle began to rattle off changes to be made to the Equestrian constitution like an emendation to give the Canterlot Royal library a budget of 20 million bits more than last year, a new law that states everypony who is not a princess must fill out the proper request forms in triplicate before any magic can be performed, and the law preventing the enslavement of earth ponies be repealed.

“My loyal subjects,” Sparkle announced to the many Congressponies in session as she calmly cleaned blood off of the blade of her dagger, “Do not fear your new, sole ruler. I promise I will be fair and just, and answer your prayers in a prompt manner.” Taking a step over the bleeding carcass of our once benevolent leader, she continued to pace around the podium and preach to her politicians, new policies and laws to be administered immediately to the Equestrian constitution.

“First I require every citizen to have one portrait of me placed inside their homes, just above the fireplace or somewhere that will be displayed for all to see. Once a day, the families of all my little ponies will gather around my picture and take turns saying thanks for allowing them to live their redundant lives under my caring and protecting wings. Oh, how beautiful are my wings?!” The newly coronated princess then spent several minutes admiring the two appendages that had recently sprouted from her back.

“Now bring me your virgins.” Sparkle added.

Reluctantly, Congress agreed to fulfill Princess Sparkle’s wishes due to the fact that the Equestrian economy is tanking and there probably won’t be a government next week.

Author's Note:

Hey, I know that Twilight doesn't have wings in the picture but... there is no way I'm editing another image. Believe it or not, I don't have all day to write these things.

Comments

[Zeppo]

I've only read the chapter names and I'm already laughing. I can't wait.

I may reference this in my next fic.

[Seether00]

Are we talking about only virgin mares or everypony. Please clarify.

[The Read Later List]

2611014 just the mares.

[Haybales22]

And then Luna shows up just sippin a smoothie, having been inside playing minecraft for the last six weeks, and just goes wut.
This is by far my third favorite chapter. (Not as good as cutie mark crusader suicide bombers or princess of sun banished to sun)

[Kage no Brony]

2614158

Actually, Luna walks in, drawing Twilight's attention.

Celestia groans, complaining about a splitting headache. She then wonders if she's been drinking.