The Onion: Equestrian Bureau

by The Read Later List

Zebra Nation Once Again Sweeps the Equestrian Games

Canterlot, Equestria- For what seems like the hundredth time in a row, Zebrica has once again swept the Equestrian Games, earning gold in nearly every event possible. The zebra lands have always been known to produce outstanding athletes, but some are beginning to think that their repeated victories are more than just a coincidence.

“Every year we invite the zebras to come and participate in our games,” stated Prince Shining Armor, former captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard. “And I don’t think there is a single recorded year where we have taken home the trophy for Equestria. I’m not even sure why we call it the Equestrian Games anymore...”

Scientists have been curious as to why ponies have never bested zebras in the games, so in response they have begun to analyze the events themselves.

“Well,” commented Azure Potion, Equestrian physical therapist” as we all know, there are 42 events in the games, including: the 100 yard dash, 200 yard dash, 1-mile run, 2-mile run, 26-mile run, 200-mile run, steeplechase, 200 meter jog, the “lion run”, and various other ground based running events. The only common ground these games share is the fact that they are all... well, ground based events. Even all flying games were outlawed twenty years ago due to the fact that the zebra nation could not compete due to the lack of feathered wings, and all that really did was take away three chances to gain a gold medal for the griffons, equestrians, and dragons. You know, it’s kind of unfair once you think about it...”

Even though many expect the Equestrians to once again lose the games, a few ponies are still optimistic. “Yeah I know we’ll lose again,” said Equestrian athlete Rainbow Dash. “But at least the zebras will never beat us in a swimming competition.”

Watermark of the 1936 Equestrian games, the only games in which zebras were denied entrance, and the one victory Equestria has, but it doesn't really matter because they can't really brag about those years.

Comments

[TwizzleDragon]

I'm loving that pic

[The Read Later List]

2733059 I know right? I saw it and I was like, "Hell yeah, this is going in an article!" Thanks for reading

[A Madman With a Box]

Just reading now, I have to say its not every day you see a story with no downvotes and a high number of upvotes.

[The Read Later List]

2733149 Shhhh... Don't bring that to anyone's attention. You never know who could be listening...

[CartsBeforeHorses]

Lol. This might be your best article yet.

I like how you have both a 200 yard dash and a 200 meter dash. That's kind of appropriate given that we have no idea what system of measurement Equestria uses. I've seen fics that make up units, too, like "hoofs" instead of "feet."

But I've actually seen stories that use both hoofs and feet IN THE SAME STORY. It's like, okay, at least be consistent with yourself!

[The Read Later List]

2733787 I was hoping someone would catch that.